Sorry, Maya will not be appearing today, October 17, Mustache Day. Growing out mustaches is a common way for baby-faced boys to appear mature. For girls, the only mustaches they get are milk mustaches.
Previously on Wild Arms 3: Nobody got any gems while Maya read a book. Ho-hum.
And now we are back at Humphrey’s Peak. As an additional recap: we started a few quests here after being wiped out by Asgard and the Prophets, and all we really have to show for it is one more medium/dead Guardian.
But speaking of those prophets, returning to HP after clearing Fortune Gear and Gemstone Cave will lead to this little check-in.
The last time we had one of these cutaways, we saw Malik and his desire to revive a strange blonde lady. Now we get more insight into Melody’s motivations.
As we already learned way back at Unclean Mark, Melody is homicidally obsessed with beauty.
And she doesn’t so much get along with her coworkers.
I used to love the word “vainglorious”… But then I read a breakdown of the webcomic Sinfest. Now it is ruined for me…
Wild Arms 3 has a lot of great, subtle animations for its various dramatic moments. This is not one of them.
Melody is chastised for her dedication to beauty, and she retorts by scolding Malik’s love of zombies.
Bro does not like to have his side projects threatened.
Tropes I will never get tired of: villains are working together for a common goal, but they hate each other because, ya know, they’re villains.
“We will build a better planet! Where Smurfs are more accepted!”
There may also be less altruistic reasons these three want to evolve the planet, though.
I guess they’re obsessed with Final Fantasy 6? You know, Terra was named Tina in Japan, fools.
“Could we wrap this meeting up, guys? We have evil laugh class in like five minutes.”
I do appreciate that the Prophets have life or death stakes for why they are manipulating the whole of the world. Recently, we have been establishing that the “Council of Seven” used to be pretty idealistic good guys…
They’re not so good anymore, though.
“Like, again. You were so close last time.”
Melody and Malik quarrel, but it is clear who is unquestionably in charge.
Thank you, Chatty Cathy.
Asgard learned how to completely obliterate the heroes, which is something you failed to do, Malik. Did you really think the big lug couldn’t figure out English?
“Also, I stuck an iPhone down their throat while nobody was looking.”
What an odd thing to say. I wonder if this is a theme of Wild Arms 3.
Malik, we’re really short staffed here. If you could just answer phones and learn about how robots work, that would be great.
Also: get back to your real job.
“Gee, I don’t know. Maybe four people with ARMs and god-power keep threatening us at every turn.”
“He says, ‘I’m a stupid green thing, and I freak everybody out.’”
“Don’t worry, he’ll be there a while. That part where it loops with pipes and the lava before the hammer brother trips up everybody.”
Newsflash: nobody trusts Janus. Should have given Balazs the Dark Spear.
So that’s where we’re at with the bad guys: Melody and Asgard are going to try to wreck our team, and Janus is achieving ultimate power. Virginia, meanwhile, can’t get off Clive’s couch.
“Yeah, Clive, my real one. Not some green-haired dude with glasses that I’ve been projecting on for the last few weeks.”
“We had a lot of fun in the backyard with weapons.”
“Never taught me how to brush my teeth, but I used to bullseye wind rats back home.”
“If that photo is indeed the Council of Seven…Or if it is somehow connected to the prophets, it may have something to do with the mysteries of the world.”
What are the odds of a JRPG party ever finding anything that doesn’t have to do with the mysteries of the world?
Kinda Spoilers: I am really impressed that Wild Arms 3 showed enough restraint to not make Clive’s Professor/Father-in-Law part of the Council of Seven. There was at least one independent scientist on this planet! (Even if he did live down the street from the sole laboratory on Filgaia.)
“And it’s how you met your wife? How do I become a scientist, Clive?”
“Everyone else just said ‘this planet sucks’ and didn’t research any further.”
It’s always awkward when someone admits to killing a family member.
“Left off the father-in-law bit, though! That’s on you.”
“Anyone else in this gang have mentor-based trauma? Everybody? That’s what I thought.”
We now go live to Virginia for her reaction…
That’s the stuff.
You two going to have a slap fight right here in Clive’s living room?
Take a moment to appreciate that ceiling.
Oh thank God, it’s Datson. We all love you Datson.
We always have time for you, Datson!
Remember back when vaguely anonymous NPCs had the same modeling work as the main characters? Good times.
“Please, give us anything as a distraction.”
“Approximately six feet in that direction. He could shout from there. I really have no idea why I’m the messenger.”
Remember that dude fixing the Memory Figurine a couple updates back? The one in the cult? Guess who is the client.
Gallows and his religion get a few believability bonus points because we routinely summon his gods.
“Anybody else want to cry about lost father figures? No? Let’s go.”
Stop camping our save point, plot.
A little overeager there, Al.
“Your freaky cult better not be a sex cult. I left my owl mask at home.”
“We at the Ark of Destiny are dedicated to using ancient artifacts to bring about a better future, free from these harsh environmental conditions. Our religious order has recently discovered a ruin in this area. It is said to be an ancient ruin, dating back to the very first people who inhabited this planet.”
Oh here we go again with this…
Remember my warning earlier, Wild Arms 3.
Never go full Trigun.
But, nope! We’re going to commit to this whole “wasteland planet filled with people that flew here on a spaceship” conceit.
Of course it is going to be canon now. You can’t have a religious order in a JRPG without it being at least partially right. (And if it is partially wrong, it is only because an evil god is in charge. And that’s only half right this time.)
“So, you need us to… launch humanity in space? I’m not following here.”
So the local ruin has a “security system”, and there is a magical-scientific artifact in there. Got it.
Shard of Lavos? Been there.
Just keep digging that hole, Al.
“Are you going to use it to power a giant, transforming robot?”
Hey! It’s the first time our “Drifters” have officially accepted a mission since Granny told us to save the world.
No, gardening does not count.
“I want me some new firepower, Clive.”
Virginia doesn’t get enough credit as a JRPG protagonist for preemptively figuring out the villains’ plans. Most heroes just stumble into bad guy traps.
Virginia also gets additional kudos for remembering to get paid.
Score. You got Venmo, Albert?
That literally was a negotiation!
“Might be a legendary artifact that can power space travel, might be nothing. We’ll find out!”
Oh yeah, we need directions.
Our next destination is a short gallop from Humphrey’s Peak.
I wonder if this is more of a pun in the original Japanese. “Faraway Lands” is just kind of a non sequitur of a dungeon name in these parts.
Ack! This dick! You better run!
“Hey, Clive, didn’t you dedicate your life to figuring out what was wrong with the planet? And there was this huge thing, like, a jog from your house? Does that bother you?”
Thar be monsters.
Meanwhile, Virginia’s Daddy Sense is tingling.
Ain’t nothing “land” about this place.
So we’ve got a significantly mechanical dungeon, and its inhabitants…
Are a bunch of weirdos. You main opponents are these Power Ranger-looking Digimon rejects.
Aw, electricity, the ol’ standby for murdering robots.
This doesn’t seem to do anything, but it feels threatening.
But thanks for dropping the Dragon Fossil. We can always use more of those!
More options than usual for making progress.
Guess the elevator is out.
And we’ll need a little more height to get those treasure chests.
Here is your other common opponent for this area: Unknown.
Unknowns are translucent, which is shorthand for how they are completely immune to physical attacks.
And they are generally resistant to all elemental magic, too.
This could mean your average battle takes forever. Back on the “normal stats” PS5 version of Wild Arms 3, Wirginia is one of our most powerful mages, but her light magic barely puts a dent in these jerks.
However, there is Devastate, a spell that comes compliments of the Fire Medium. Devastate is distinctly non-elemental.
Clive is our worst mage, but one casting of Devastate devastates an Unknown into oblivion. Now we know the spell that is going to get a workout for this dungeon.
Oh! Some of the Vacuumons drop Warp Stars. These are consumable items that let you immediately warp to any train station. And your vehicles are dragged along, too. These are generally useful for the obvious fast travel shenanigans, but additionally valuable for warping your “boat” to helpful shores.
Anywho, back to dungeon exploring.
Appropriate to a place apparently once powered by a magical fire, we have to light the furnace to make progress.
Eat it, fossil fuels.
Scooting around the furnace room allows us to access those treasures from a few shots back.
Just need to put in some cardio.
And you’ll be feeling lucky in no time.
The elevator is activated now, but there is one unexplored door up top.
Duplicator door! Break out your magic key for more treasure.
You are going right back to the garden the first time I get a chance.
Now we can take the elevator. And that’s where we are going to stop this update, too. There is more dungeon to go, and I can safely say its finale is a bit of a doozy…
Next time on Wild Arms 3: Heeeeeere’s Daddy.