I try to stick to a FAQ format for most any Kingdom Hearts post
But some come out a little different than most
Many say the next Kingdom Hearts is but a song
And, for anyone curious, they’re not particularly wrong
Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory is a rhythm game
It’s Theatrhythm: Kingdom Hearts in all but name
And if you’re looking for a fun time, it’s a can’t-miss
It’s great gameplay with a soundtrack that is bliss
Though that depends on how much you love the franchise
And whether you dream of sailing Chip n’ Dale’s skies
Or if you hum the Traverse Town theme to sleep
Or count Meow Wows instead of sheep
And you can play as Sora, Riku, Aqua, and Roxas
And use all their friends to smash heartless and boxes
This is pure, unfettered Kingdom Hearts nostalgia
Looking for something else will cause psychalgia
But, as is ever common here
Nomura wants your ear
Yes, this game is nostalgia with a plan
(Even if we’re not going to include Tarzan)
See, at the end of KH3, Sora went missing
So it’s up to the girl that he should be kissing
To sort through her boyfriend’s thoughts
And find a memory that connects the dots
To find where her poor Sora has gone
And to make the time before KH4 drag on
And to Kairi’s credit, she does find that important key
It just happens to be something Sora would never see
The answer was always in Kairi’s memories
And how “Ansem” planted one most cleverly
Back when our heroine’s planet heard its final knell
And the villain rocketed Kairi away like Kara Zor-El
Seems Xehanort was aware of other universes beyond their own
Worlds where a Gummi Ship has never flown
Places that appear in their own universe as mere fiction
But are real on the other side of this barrier’s restriction
So if Sora can’t be found
That is where he must be around
And, by the end, our heroes have a new world to see
(And if you want to know how, be sure to buy KH3’s DLC)
Riku ventures forth to a whole new place
And Kairi stays home to, I don’t know, wash her face
And maybe the next adventure will truly let her participate
As opposed to just sticking her on the cover like fan bait
But if you’re looking for more plot, that’s all you’ll find
Because this whole game takes place in Sora’s mind
But there is an unexpected bonus to this whole affair
And that’s the way the recap focuses on the joy and despair
Unlike a certain handsome blogger’s focus on franchise phantoms
This story wastes no time on the differences between Ansems
The whole tale of Kingdom Hearts is told from I to III to 358/2 days
And it features not the bad guys, and all of their wily ways
But the trials, tribulations, and feelings of our idols
Because Kingdom Hearts was never about lore bibles
It was always about a trio of separated teens
And how they reconciled through any means
And they made friends and enemies along the way
But didn’t let any silly Organization ruin their day
Kingdom Hearts always had Disney and Square
And bad guys in cloaks with dubious hair
But it was never about Mickey, Ansem or all the rest
It was about a boy, a girl, and a boy that thought he knew best
And Melody of Memory takes the time to remind us all
That this franchise is more than a lore wrecking ball
It’s about the people that have caused us to care
And the pain that we all share
So, maybe this interpretation of a silly rhythm game is wrong
But I still think, at the very least, it is a game worthy of a song
And I might still be working out the key to its chorus
But that’s only because we’re trying to find our Soras
So, Kingdom Hearts 3 is the first Kingdom Hearts game since 2005, eh? How’s that working out?
Certainly not. In a lot of ways, Kingdom Hearts 3 is what the Kingdom Hearts titles have been striving for since the initial announcement of Squall Leonheart meets Dumbo. Disney worlds are huge and varied, NPCs actually exist (where appropriate) so Planet Tangled feels populated by actual people (as opposed to the Agrabah Marketplaces of the past that had apparently been struck neutron bombs), and the various worlds often contain mechanics that unmistakably separate the “levels” by something other than your Disney-approved guest characters. There are (relatively) Giant Robots in Toy Store world! A sailing system reminiscent of a mini-Wind Waker in Pirates of the Caribbean world! Big Hero 6 features a Crack Down-esque super-hero city playground! It’s pretty great, and a far cry from the 
Q. Hey, Goggle Bob, there’s that new Kingdom Hearts 2.8 game out. What’s the deal?
A. Nomura must have watched a lot of Inception before writing this game, because… well.. it’s exactly that. The conceit of the game is that there are a few worlds that are just resting their eyes before returning to the Kingdom Hearts universe, and, rather than hearing “just five more minutes, mom” from Hunchback of Notre Dame Planet again, Yen Sid decides to send Sora and Riku into the dreams of the sleeping worlds to wake ‘em up. Unfortunately, something goes wrong immediately, so, while Sora is in the sleeping dreams of the worlds, Riku is actually in Sora’s dream (of the sleeping worlds). Or maybe it’s the other way around? Whatever. What’s important is that one character can only operate when the other is asleep, and they can’t actually both be in the same place at the same time, just simulations of the same place and… ugh… Never mind, trying to parse all the little “clues” in this game will give you a headache. What’s important is that Riku and Sora can’t kiss until the ending. Oh, and 
Xehanort (one of ‘em, does it really matter which?) attempted to infect Sora with darkness, so that way he’d have a Xehanort-Sora on the team, but that failed when Riku, Mickey, and Lea saved Sora from almost certain identity crises.
A. No. I mean a barren, dark universe where time has no meaning and heartless creatures feed on the discarded remains of lifeless fantasy worlds.
A. Remember how you could play dress up with Lightning in 
And, incidentally, Willa Holland, Aqua’s voice actress (who is probably best known for her role as the occasionally sword-wielding Speedy/Thea on CW’s Arrow) should probably win an award or something for carrying the entirety of this story on her vaguely-defeated-but-still-trying inflections. It’s really noticeable given she’s the only one talking for, oh, 75% of the game, and it’s quite good.
A. There are also HD cutscenes from the browser/cell phone based Kingdom Hearts (Unchained) χ. It’s the story of how a bunch of wannabe furries attempt to save the world from a global war by creating factions that are forbidden from cooperating with each other. It doesn’t work out. I’d get into it more, but I find cell phone games to be repugnant, useless, and they take up my Pokémon Go time, so screw that noise. Even I have limits.
This is Wankery Week, and, while masturbation in general has something of a male-connotation, let’s not forget that women have needs, too. Sexy needs. I want to be clear that I’m not talking about shoes or showers or other things that the fairer sex seems to believe are essential. Ladies, I’ve got a good musk going here, I don’t need some random water shooter to relieve me of this funk.
I mentioned at the start of the week that I had a crush on Princess Cecilia of Wild Arms. See, I was fourteen, and I want to say that I didn’t acknowledge that women were actual people until around when I was sixteen. Before I had my first “real” girlfriend, I pretty much interpreted women as unknowable, ascended creatures that had this whole sex thing figured out and were the eternal gatekeepers of me ever getting to see real, live nudity. In short, I hadn’t yet discovered that everybody poops. And, really, video games didn’t do much to divorce me of this notion, as “developed” video game women were magic warriors (Terra/Celes, FF6), manic pixie dream girls (Marle, Chrono Trigger), or cats (Kat, Breath of Fire 2). Cecilia, literally from her introduction, is a magical princess, yes, but she also falls asleep in class and is known as the gluttonous “burger queen” by her classmates. In other words, in a weird way, she’s “one of the guys”, and… well, I’m just saying if we ever hung out, I’m pretty sure she’d be in to me.
I’m going to give the designers of any number of JRPGs the benefit of the doubt on this one, because it (theoretically) wasn’t misogyny that made Rudy the ideal boy, it was simply a need to appeal to a boy-based market. JRPGs often follow the same tropes as shonen manga because they’re both trying to garner that same audience, and half the tropes there go back thousands of years as “boy stories”. In modern times, we may have gotten past “Princess Peach needs rescuing” but it’s still hard to ignore the glut of fictional women that appear to exist exclusively to entertain the male protagonist. But since those male protagonists are supposed to be audience inserts, it’s easy for the audience to ascribe any traits they’d like to Male Hero #3,214. Rudy would totally hang out with you and talk about One Direction all night long. He’s a huge fan!