Let’s talk about dungeons, Mario Making, and executive dysfunction.
Super Mario Maker 2 was released nearly two years ago. Initially, it had much the same issue as Street Fighter 5 or Splatoon 2: the previous version had been subject to frequent updates featuring both quality-of-life and just-plain-cool upgrades, and Super Mario Maker 2 did not feel different enough from its predecessor to really deserve that same dedication. I already made a bunch of Super Mario Maker 1 stages, why do I need to find new ways to utilize Cloud Strife-based puns for these same lakitu barrages? But, over time, Super Mario Maker 2 obtained its own updates, and now we’re looking at a totally new experience that involves frog suits, SMB2 mushrooms, and some patently-dubious ninji speedruns. Super Mario Maker 2 is well and truly its own animal at this point, and, while official support may be waning now (sorry, no new game styles for you), general community support is still there and active, so you can create infinity Mario stages for a very expectant audience. This is the perfect time to tear into Super Mario Maker 2!
Aaaand I can’t make a single damn level. The soul is willing, but the mind is weak and pasty…
There is a part of me that wants to create a Super Mario Maker 2 “game”. Eight worlds, four levels each, and theme each world around a different aspect of Mario. Maybe make World 1 something more based on Super Mario Bros. (1) gameplay, while a later world features the quirks of Super Mario Bros. 3. And the various powerups! And vehicles! I could make a whole world that is a vague shoot ‘em up! I love those things! I have a thousand ideas for Super Mario Maker 2, and I should be able to fill up a whole universe with ‘em inside of a few days.
But, if I am being honest, that kind of project has always been a problem for me. I might want to do something, I might even have some great ideas for individual moments in some grand design, but when it comes time to actually sit down and do it, I am stuck. I cannot make even one level. Why? Well, some would claim it is a failing of the soul. Others may point to a low level form of executive dysfunction/dysexecutive syndrome and/or adult attention-deficit disorder. My father would just say I’m slacking off again (good job with the tough love, dad). Am I going to try to self-diagnose my inability to make Mario levels for a blog post? Maybe! But the end result is the same: there ain’t no Goggle Bob Super Mario Maker 2 stages available, and it is pretty safe to assume there won’t be any any time soon, either.
If you really want to get into the details of why Super Mario Maker 2 isn’t happening, look no further than the many, many options available within the game. I am being crippled by choice! I understand dividing it into manageable, themed chunks is not only a good design theory, but also something my brain can possibly process. I cannot deal with multiple “universes” of Mario availability, but I could potentially sit down and figure out the best damn Super Mario World courses possible. I could do that! But I’m not going to, because, even limited to one “style”, I can still choose from like twenty different monsters, ten different obstacles, and oh man I am totally ignoring how I could shoehorn Yoshi into all of this nonsense. And even all that comes after designing a level layout. How am I supposed to figure out how to stack seventy hammer bros if I can’t lay the path Mario is going to take!? Maybe I should start with a basic layout, and go from there… But would that be too boring?
Or maybe I should just play a game that is all basic layouts…
What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 2 is a Playstation Portable title from 2008 that didn’t see North American shores until 2010. Since this article is already ridiculously autobiographical, I will note that I purchased this game back in the day for two distinct reasons:
- At the time, I believed NIS America to be the sole source of humor in videogames, and NIS America was responsible for this localization.
- I believed this to be a Warioware/W.T.F. style minigame compilation, as was the style with “eccentric” titles of the time.
By now, both of those assumptions have been proven to be differing degrees of terrible. Congratulations on NIS for pioneering the concept of being glib about JRPG conventions, but, man, the American indie scene adopted that tone, and now you can’t get six games into the eShop without ramming into thirty snide references to how the good ol’ days of gaming weren’t always so good. And, more importantly, WDIDTDTML!?2 is not a minigame simulator. This is a game that has one basic gameplay concept expanded to multiple levels. And that concept? You are the bad guy, and you have to build your own dungeon to keep the heroes out and/or dead.
But don’t worry! Being an evil overlord is easy! Apparently thwarting heroes is as straightforward as playing Dig Dug. There are four or five stratums of dirt under every dungeon entrance, and it is your task, God of Destruction, to grab that pickaxe and plink out a path through the mud. Along the way, various monsters will be released from the surrounding ether, and, after a sufficiently winding path is constructed, you will place Demon Lord Badman in the most fortified location. Then, the heroes inevitably start their march toward Lord Badman, and the only thing that is going to hold them back is a twisty dungeon filled with an army of monsters. And do not worry if you lose a few monsters, because their essence can be “recycled” into bigger and badder baddies, so maybe Dolph Heroman, Slayer of Slimes, will be devoured by a reincarnated lizard the size of a Buick. Lord Badman is in good (bad) hands!
And, according to the narrative details of WDIDTDTML!?2, those monsters getting “recycled” is ultimately the point of the game. Every dungeon you create is a mini eco system, and depending on how food (other monsters, adventurers) is distributed in this environment, you may see all kinds of mutations and variants in your creature population. Mutants may appear because they are overfeeding (sorry, those slimes are just too delicious), or they have been absorbing too much ambient dungeon mana. Or maybe they just dropped into the place from a gateway to Hell, and they are about to throw the whole ecosystem out of whack! I mean, it’s all good as long as Lord Badman is protected from encroaching mages, but, still, would have liked to see those omnomnom worms survive. And, for the record, if you would like to play with this whole “ecosystem” mechanic, there is a mode in WDIDTDTML!?2 that is basically “free play”, and you can see just how many skelemans (actually their names this time!) you can have operating before a Wookiemon devours the whole lot. We’re all learning together!
But whether you are here to see the mating habits of dragons or not, there is definitely some magic happening. You are making a dungeon! Okay… yes… I’ve been saying that all along, but you’re making a dungeon carelessly! Wait.. that’s still wrong… You’re making a dungeon without thinking? Dammit! What I am trying to say is that when playing WDIDTDTML!?2, you are using the same basic tools as your average Mario Maker (making levels, distributing monsters/traps), but you are doing it with all the haste necessary to repel an invading force. There is a time limit. There are resource limits. There is an immediate challenge, and I can deal with an immediate challenge. I can work with a deadline. Would I make more complicated, noteworthy, and potentially brilliant dungeons if I were working with the unfettered freedom available in a different “maker” style game? Of course! But would I actually make anything in that environment? Evidently not!
So, as much as I hate authority, I know something simple about myself: I cannot work unless someone is yelling at me. I cannot create unless there is a clear and present deadline. I cannot trust myself to do goddamned anything unless someone, whether they be a Hell Lord or not, is complaining about my lack of output. I could do anything, but I’m not going to do a damn thing until it can be described as “looming”.
And I’m going to keep playing WDIDTDTML!?2 until Super Mario Maker 3 includes a mode where Bowser yells about not having a built castle yet.
FGC #583 What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 2
- System: Sony PSP, and I’m pretty that’s it. There’s a quasi-sequel on the Vita, but I don’t think this UMD made the jump over to the digital realm of the Vita. Or maybe it did? I don’t know. Not like there’s an online shop where I can check.
- Number of players: Just the one. It “feels” like it is 2-players with the existence of the invading heroes, but they’re exclusively A.I.-controlled.
- What’s in a name? The original title for this game was “Holy Invasion Of Privacy, Badman! 2: Time To Tighten Up Security!”, however, there were some concerns about the Batman estate (carefully managed by billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne for some reason) taking legal action against the more Batusi-based title. The bad guy is still named Badman, though. Oh, and if we’re going with the original Japanese title, that’s “For a hero, [you are] quite [impudent/cheeky/bold] 2”. It must be a mouthful either way.
Favorite Monster: Black Hole Stomach is one of the overweight mutations of the succubus-style monsters. I appreciate the fact that this is, like, the one game I can name where there are “fat” human-type monsters, and they’re not just walking jokes or portrayed by a sprite that is simply marginally rounder. Black Hole Stomachs are just as jiggly as any other large monster. And their “ecosystem” stats mean they subsist on spirits! How do you gain weight by eating the ephemeral? Just a lot to like/unanswered questions there.- For the prequel: What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 1 was a DLC-exclusive title that could be lost to the ages… but WDIDTDTML!?2 included it on the disc via entry of a secret code (that is listed in the instruction booklet). Hooray for game preservation! Of course, WDIDTDTML!?1 kind of feels like a warmup for WDIDTDTML!?2’s more intricate gameplay, so there is very little reason to go back to basics. But, hey, at least the option is available!
- Did you know? Apparently no one has a complete WDIDTDTML!?2 Almanac of Monsters (and Heroes) online. But there is a “Holy Badman” wiki, so one could suppose that progress is being made.
- Would I play again: If this were more accessible, totally. As it is, I don’t get out the PSP that often, so it’s kind of a bother. But I do enjoy digging out tunnels for our favorite Badman, so I would like to get back into it sometime.
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Captain America and The Avengers for SNES! The Avengers, eh? I think I’ve heard of those guys! Please look forward to it!
The best way to preserve your past is to literally own your past.
And that latter point is pretty damn relevant, because when was the last time you heard about Mario’s other jobs with his brother? Nobody questioned when Mario claimed he was a doctor, because we were already used to his construction, bottling, and cement factory jobs…
Game & Watch Mario Bros. has not been completely forgotten by Nintendo, but it has been diluted in modern incarnations. Mario Bros. appeared in both Game & Watch Gallery 3 for the Nintendo Gameboy, and Game & Watch Gallery 4 for the Gameboy Advance. Unfortunately, there was basically no way for modern (“modern” being “made after 1984”) systems to emulate the hugely horizontal play area of the original Game & Watch, so everything was compressed to fit a squarer playing area. And, obviously, Mario & Luigi now work at a simple package delivery company, so the impressionable players could never have an inkling that the super brothers were ever transporting wine. And the “modern” reimagining? Well, now we’ve got a cake factory in the works (not even a 
But let’s not imagine we live in a world where Game & Watch and its contributions are completely ignored. Why, there’s Mr. Game & Watch right there, starring in 
But it ain’t gonna happen. Nintendo holds an iron grip on any and all legal ownership of Mario, Luigi, and the Game & Watch. It would not be as profitable to focus on “perfect” Game & Watch preservation as it would be to steer those resources into other departments, but, by the same token, there is no way Nintendo is going to let someone else profit from technology made by Nintendo nearly 40 years ago. The original creator of Game & Watch died nearly 25 years ago (!), but Nintendo is going to own that hardware lock, stock, and barrel until the day you die. And if you are under the mistaken impression that Nintendo would be cool with some modern modding, go ahead and ask anyone that listed a video on youtube about how to hack the latest Game & Watch release. Oh, wait, you can’t, because Nintendo copyright claimed all of them out of existence. Want to do anything you want with that fifty dollar doodad you got for Christmas? Not on Nintendo’s (game &) watch, buddy!
System: Technically ROB chose the Gallery for Gameboy, but I did a lot of focusing on the Gameboy Color enhanced Game & Watch Gallery 3. Also tossed in some Gameboy Advance Game & Watch Gallery 4 action, too. I have a lot of random Game & Watch Galleries scattered about the place.
Favorite Game & Watch game (modern revision): Game & Watch Gallery 4 went harder than it had to with its remixed graphics, and I appreciate that Donkey Kong Jr. got one final showcase before he was retired seemingly forever. That little dude always needed a few more starring roles, and Gogglebob.com does not officially recognize Donkey Kong (of Donkey Kong Country) as Junior’s grownup incarnation. And further proof Mario once had a mean streak!
Would I play again: I like revisiting the infant stages of the Mario we know today. I would totally be down with all of these titles being ported to the Switch, as they work very well for dealing with random boredom. Other than that, though? Well, sometimes it is nice to know something is being preserved, but maybe I could play something else…
Let’s settle this right now: which is better, Papa Nier or Brother Nier?
There was a meme circulating recently that asked a simple question: if you were able to “takeover” any company/production studio/IP with impunity, what franchise would you helm and/or revive? Obviously, my mind races at even the suggestion of such a scenario. Is it finally time for 
First of all, as one would expect, the original Mega Man graphics of 1987 were updated to something that would be a bit more appropriate for nearly twenty years later. This was a carefully measured graphical upgrade, too, as the target system for Mega Man Powered Up was the PSP, a very particular handheld with its own widescreen dimensions. Mega Man was made for a big fat TV that could host a fighting robot just as easily as Star Trek: The Next Generation, but Mega Man Powered Up had to fit a world that was much more rectangular. Given this shift to a different aspect ratio, Mega Man’s levels had to be reformatted into something less vertical, and generally more horizontal. And, hey, the fact that nobody had to fight the memory constraints of an early NES cartridge probably changed a few things, too. And speaking of constraints, every Mega Man game after Mega Man 1 featured eight robot masters, while Rock’s first adventure only included six opponents. How about another two for the road? Include some dubious voice acting and a little extra personality for every ‘bot, and then you’ve got a proper Mega Man that matches the style of 
for actually connecting to the wi-fi. An easy and relevant example: Mega Man Powered Up would offer a playable Roll only through a PSP system-based download, and you could connect again later to get some seasonal costumes. The message was clear: kids, please go online, and we’ll give you free stuff. Just go online, players, you’ll like it, we swear.
And it is hard to overstate how this is simultaneously the best and worst idea for revitalizing Mega Man (1). On one hand, who doesn’t want to play as the bad guys? It was fun to grab Cut Man’s rolling cutter, but why not have the man with the head-blade himself? And who wouldn’t want to run around blasting away with atomic fire that also inexplicably works as headgear? But, unfortunately, the original Robot Masters have more problems than dangerously themed hats. The original Mega Man bosses were extremely limited in their movesets, and Mega Man won everything upon stealing their master weapon. Elec Man has an amazing Elec Beam, but take it away, and he is no different than Mega Man. Run, jump, unique weapon, the end. And some of those weapons/robot masters don’t even work. Guts Man is an iconic opponent, but his Super Arm is situational at best, and outright, irredeemably useless at worst. Even granting Guts Man the ability to summon new blocks only upgrades him from “ineffectual” to “at least he’s not worse than anyone else”. Playing as the bosses of Mega Man is pretty great, but, for the purpose of unique, interesting gameplay challenges, this is the worst crop in the franchise.
And, yes, that is my immediate thought for what game I would petition for a “new” version. I like to imagine I would come up with some game that is innovative, original, and unique in the gaming sphere, but I know what I want. It’s Mega Man. It’s more Mega Man, based on the combination of two really good Mega Man games. Mega Man 2 and Mega Man Powered Up? Mega Man Powered Up 2, please.
He is not Slick: Oil Man is the other new Robot Master, and he is… a tar baby. Like, straight up, that is exactly what they were going for with the lips and coloration. And that makes sense! Tar, oil, it’s all connected! That said, just because something makes a kind of rational sense doesn’t mean it isn’t hurtful and racist, so someone down the lane should have noted that this was a terrible idea. And the fact that he has a… let’s say “colloquial” accent that involves other Robot Masters calling him a “thug” absolutely does not mean the localization helped. Love that oil slide move! Everything else deserves a rewrite.