Tag Archives: autobiography

FGC #601 Psychonauts 2

This article contains spoilers for Psychonauts 2, primarily in regard to a lore twist that is learned approximately halfway through the game. If you have had long conversations with Ford Cruller, you know what I am talking about. Anyway, you have been warned…

THE PSYCHONAUTS!My grandfather was the eldest of seven brothers. As confirmed by those granduncles and practically our entire extended family, my grandfather was always known as a generally kind man who was also very quick to anger. And everyone thought this was wholly justified! He had to “keep in line” his younger, male siblings with very little help from a father growing up, and then he was a navy man just in time for World War II. He spent all day on a boat with a metaphorical collection “brothers” that all had to be disciplined and controlled, and… well… I don’t know if you have ever dealt with a man before, but they can get kind of rowdy. So is it any wonder that his experiences from childhood to young adulthood stayed with him his entire life? You cannot just “turn off” the person you have been for twenty years, and if that means you occasionally must throw your drunken brother-in-law off a balcony to make a point about being civil at dinner parties, so be it (also, in my grandfather’s [legal] defense, it was not a particularly high balcony). My grandfather lived to be older than most, and, even through to the age when he was frequently napping in the living room lounger, his whole family continued to have explanations for any temperamental shouting matches. He’s always been like that. That’s just who he is.

Until it wasn’t who he was.

Today’s game is the venerable/mythical Psychonauts 2. Psychonauts 2 is here! It was released! After 16 years of absolutely no Psychonauts (Gogglebob.com does not recognize the existence of virtual reality), here is Psychonauts all back again. And it is no exaggeration to say that Psychonauts is “back”, either. If your number one complaint about Psychonauts is that it never should have ended, Psychonauts 2 has got you covered with everything from the original, and a host of quality-of-life improvements to round out an “and then some”. Psychonauts 2 starts with a Raz that already knows the essential skills from Psychonauts 1 (sorry, invisibility, I said essential), and escalates from there with confidence that the audience does not need an entire level to understand PSI blasts again. All new abilities are then introduced, challenges are expanded, and, by the end, Raz will be thought-grappling while bossing a clone around with the best of ‘em. It is remarkable all on its own that Psychonauts 2 is simultaneously exactly more of the same, and something wholly new and different. This is the game Super Mario Bros. 2 could have been! If that wasn’t awful!

Connect the thoughtsAnd I would be remiss if I did not note that they don’t make ‘em like this anymore. Psychonauts was one in a seemingly endless parade of collectathons that had been going strong for ten years when it was released back in 2005. But now it seems like the idea of searching environments for hard-to-find collectibles has fallen by the wayside, and Psychonauts 2 is an example of a lamented evolutionary dead-end that that did not survive to see 2021. Chasing figments or hooking hidden keys to hidden chests feels simultaneously antiquated and refreshing when the best other titles of this era can manage is a sidequest or two where you must rescue three cats. Three cats!? You lifestream-addled morons! This friggen’ foyer has 17 tickets to find, and five more scavenger hunt items just to add a little flavor. Is this the kind of gameplay that is sustainable for title after title demanding you achieve 101% to see a marginally satisfactory ending? No. Of course not. That’s why so many people in Liberty City had mental breakdowns when photographing graffiti and seeing a “1/5,000 found” notification. But now, as likely the one game this year that is going to ask you to achieve “Rank 102”, it is a much easier pill to swallow.

But a collectathon can only work if there are interesting worlds in which to do your collecting. Mario 64 had portraits that doubled as portals, Banjo Kazooie had entire realms inside its haunted castle (wait… that was just the same as Mario…), and Psychonauts has always been about exploring the mind. And abstract psychological concepts are fertile ground for a dungeon or ten! Psychonauts 1 featured bipolar disorders transformed into theatres and Napoleon complexes transferred to gigantic boardgames. Psychonauts 2 ups the ante (literally) with hospital-casinos, gameshows, and germ-riddled bowling alleys (uh… that is better than it sounds). It is a joy to explore these abstract worlds with concrete platforming abilities, and slingshotting over a gap to find some emotional baggage or sneaking under a bridge to find a bright idea is consistently pleasant. These “mindscapes” are beautifully realized from a conceptual and level-design standpoint, and every opportunity to enter a new level feels like a gift. Look, Ma, now I can jump in this crazy bee lady’s brain! Wonder what I’m gonna find there!

But there is one important difference between Psychonauts 1 and Psychonauts 2…

FGC #600 Marvel vs. Capcom 2: New Age of Heroes: Part 5

Finally, some gameplayMarvel vs. Capcom 2: New Age of Heroes is an amazing, once in a lifetime game that brings together over 50 characters from wildly disparate worlds and franchises. So, in an effort to pay tribute to one of the games I believe to be the greatest of all time, please enjoy the final day of our five-part, 100% complete, generally alphabetical look at every fighter in Marvel vs. Capcom 2. Now let’s talk about the monkey girl…

SonSon

Go Go MonkeySonSon is one of four original characters in Marvel vs Capcom 2. Amingo, Abyss, and Ruby Heart were all created exclusively for MvC2, and they have not appeared in anything but cameos ever since.

Except SonSon is not an original character. SonSon is based on SonSon from the obscure 1984 Capcom arcade title, SonSon.

Except SonSon is an original character, because she is the granddaughter of that SonSon. She is not the SonSon of SonSon. She is, essentially, SonSon III.

Except SonSon I was not an original character, either. SonSon I was based on Sun Wukong from the 16th century Chinese novel, Journey to the West. SonSon is one of a thousand “adaptations” of this classic tale, with the original premise of Dragon Ball being one of the most prominent illustrations.

So, SonSon III is ultimately an original character that is based on a character that is possibly the least original character in the whole roster.

But, hey, at least she can turn into a giant monkey. That might be better than being a cactus.

Peter “Spider-Man” Parker

Its that guySpider-Man is Sailor Moon.

And, yes, both franchises subsist on several Young Adult fiction tropes, but very specifically for both cases…

1. The central “Marvel” conflict of Spider-Man was always that Peter Parker kind of sucked as Peter Parker, but excelled at being Spider-Man. Iron Man had his potentially deadly shrapnel that “made him” Iron Man, the Incredible Hulk had his man/monster dichotomy, and Spider-Man had the unbearable burden of having to be a good Peter Parker and superhero. He failed. A lot. Nearly everyone in Peter Parker’s life, from his adopted mother to his boss, thinks Peter Parker is a slacker that is never going to achieve anything, and this is primarily because Pete puts too much of an emphasis on saving the world. He was late because he was stopping a mugging. He missed Aunt May’s birthday because he was dealing with Galactus. It’s kind of a “nice guy” fantasy wherein your every failing has a big, important reason that no one would ever understand because it must be a secret for their own good. But, end of the day, Spider-Man is saving the day, even though J.J. would never believe Peter Parker can accomplish anything. In much the same way, Usagi, Sailor Moon’s “secret identity”, is the world’s biggest screw-up, and if you told her parents that she was destined to rule a thousand years of peace after banishing all evil witches from the land, they would likely die laughing. Very similar “secret identity hijinks” on both sides, with a heavy emphasis on simultaneously being super important but extremely poorly regarded by their friends and family.

2. Similarly, Spider-Man is…

FGC #591 Jay and Silent Bob: Mall Brawl

Gonna be a mall brawlI have put some thought into this, and I have come to a realization:

I am mad that Kevin Smith is happy.

I am, and have always been, a comedy nerd. Back in the dark ages of VHS tape rentals, I would always convince my dad that it was in his best interest to rent the likes of Airplane, Young Frankenstein, and Nation Lampoon’s Any Goddamned Thing. And this worked out well, as my father generally enjoyed comedies as well. After all, he was the man that introduced me to Woody Allen, and I watched the likes of Annie Hall, Love and Death, and Crimes and Misdemeanors well before I understood about 110% of the sex jokes contained therein. But, while I loved all these comedies, I had one complaint: all of this humor was aimed at my dad’s generation. Chevy Chase had never played a Nintendo, and Leslie Nielsen clearly would never have an opinion on Voltron. I could watch a thousand “80’s comedies”, but when would I ever see a comedy that had the voice of an actual 80’s kid?

Enter Kevin Smith and Clerks.

To be absolutely clear, Kevin Smith is, by all definitions, not a contemporary of my generation. He was born nearly fifteen years before this author, and his experiences are firmly those of Generation X. That said? Goddamn did his early film oeuvre capture the feeling of being a teenager in the 90’s. Perhaps something about his directing and writing was universal, or maybe my generation just happened to live at the edge of such things as “malls” and “the Catholic Church” existing, but, whatever the cause, Kevin Smith’s films spoke to me. They were vulgar, often sexist/homophobic, and generally vaguely immature, but there was a truth buried in there that I felt like only my generation would understand. I was not old enough to date someone that had sucked 37 dicks (I mean, as far as I knew), but I was old enough to hang out at the mall, hate on magic eye posters, or have substantial opinions about working at a menial job. And if you want the kind of low-key youthful rebellion that would inevitably be inspired by Kevin Smith’s films, consider the fact that my friends and I watched Dogma around midnight on gigantic screens in the sanctuary of a church. Had the damnedest time finding the remote for that DVD player…

Hey, this is relevantAnd, since we are moderately on the subject, let’s talk about Dogma. Clerks was Kevin Smith’s amazing debut, and it all but defined the mood and attitude of a generation of people that were not even supposed to be here today. Mallrats was a farcical look at the world outside the horrible fate of retail (but still firmly entrenched in that world), and, while still a comedy, Chasing Amy tried its hand at being a little more serious than other Kevin Smith fare (and, I feel it is worth publicly stating: wow, watching that movie in 2021 is a different experience than in 1997). But Dogma? Literally holy crap, Dogma was an experience. It was star-studded! It was hilarious! It was taking huge, obvious swings at “The Church”, Christianity, and religion in general! And these were topics that were generally considered taboo in polite society! Sunday school never made references to crucifixions producing shit monsters, and they certainly never acknowledged how clergy would inevitably try to pimp themselves out with bobbleheads if given the chance. This was revolutionary stuff for my teenage friends and I, and it confirmed something I had always suspected: Kevin Smith was going to be the voice of my generation for our generation. This writer/director is going places, and he is going to go places we never would have ever expected.

And then Kevin Smith’s next movie featured a character named Cocknocker.

A sack full of 'emLet’s take a step back and address Woody Allen. First of all, to be perfectly clear, fuck Woody Allen. This paragraph is likely going to sound like Woody Allen is being lauded, but, to be clear, fuck that guy. However, one can complement the arc of his works from his first movies back in the sixties (and works going back to fifties) to today. He started with generally farcical parodies, gradually moved into what would define the romantic comedy, and then made his way to something more akin to “serious pieces” that happened to have a few jokes sprinkled in. From there, there was a clear period of vaguely defensive “I liked your old, funny movies” bouts of navel-gazing, and then he finally seemed to settle on something more comedic again, albeit usually with a sort of mature (re: old man) edge to the proceedings. And, say what you will about your enjoyment of any of those movies, but it is certainly a way to see a man progress and grow and change with his own media. Woody Allen did not win an award and simply make that same prestigious movie over and over again, he, like all of us, changed, and his output reflected that. And, sure, he did eventually go back to that romantic comedy well an awful lot, but he tried to do something different, and really did produce some films that could have only come from a man that had the life experiences of someone that had been writing comedy for arguably his entire life. Woody Allen has done odious, reprehensible things in his existence, but you can also see how the art changed with the man, and thus, also with a generation.

As I write this, Kevin Smith is currently promoting his latest production: He-Man: Masters of the Universe: Revelation. What’s more, he is promoting it by saying, “Your old toys are exactly where you left ‘em, Kids – and we took really good care of them!” The potential voice of our generation is still speaking for our generation, and he is advocating for nearly forty years of arrested development. Play with your old toys again, children of the three-hour Saturday Morning Advertising Block. Do not think critically of your current situation at all! Enjoy Mer-Man!

This looks familiarAnd, in much the same manner, here is today’s game, Jay and Silent Bob: Mall Brawl. To be clear, Kevin Smith is not directly responsible for JaSB:MB. He definitely approved the project, it is all based on characters he created, and he does technically headline/star in the game, but he did not sit down to program this View Askewniverse-based adventure. That was primarily left to Tomas Guinan and Spoony Bard Productions. But does Jay and Silent Bob: Mall Brawl feel like something that was produced by Kevin Smith? For better or worse, yes, very much so. JaSB:MB is filled to the brim with references to Smith’s most popular works (like Mall Rats, Dogma, and Clerks), as well as significant nods to less fashionable productions like Clerks: The Animated Series and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Or maybe they were his more popular productions with his fans? I cannot say for certain, as I have personally been quoting Plug and Leonardo Leonardo for years. And they both appear in Level 6! Wow! If you are a fan of “those Jay and Silent Bob shows”, you are going to love this trip through the mall.

But if you are not here to see Patrick Swayzee (and his horse, Road House, from that movie he was in), there is not much here for you. This is a beat ‘em up heavily inspired by the likes of River City Ransom… but without the leveling/advancement system that made that title so memorable. Or this is a beat ‘em up heavily inspired by Double Dragon… but without the precise punch/kick system and platforming that made Double Dragon and its sequel NES mainstays. This is a hodgepodge of concepts and characters from other NES beat ‘em ups (Abobo appears as a pretzel!), but ultimately something that never even pretends it is better than its original sources. There is a Turbo Tunnel! Like in Battletoads! But it is shorter and includes far less risks than the game it is referencing (come on, man, you couldn’t figure out how to implement pits into this system?). Same for the faux Mega Man fight against Cocknocker, as that simulates a robot master battle with sound effects and graphics, but not any mega-gameplay that makes that situation fun. About the only thing that really stands out as innovative in JaSB:MB is the battle against Golgothan the Excremental that requires your chosen hero wield a nearby plunger to actually do some damage. This adds an extra, previously unseen bit of strategy to the proceedings, and it would be a fascinating mechanic if the damned boss could not “camp” the one item you need to defeat it. So actually grabbing that weapon-of-choice can be a shitshow if the enemy AI decides to be crap? I know that guy!Wonderful. And that seems to be the game in a nutshell: there are good bones here, but the flesh wrapped around it is powered by about 5% good ideas, and 95% nostalgia.

But what the hell would you expect?

Jay and Silent Bob: Mall Brawl never claimed it was going to be the next Taro-esque commentary on the state of gaming. It was never supposed to be an evolution for the beat ‘em up genre, or the apparently-a-genre-for-the-last-decade 8-bit retro craze. This whole exercise was never going to be anything of the sort. This is a game that was released for Kevin Smith fans, and initially distributed on an actual, playable Nintendo Entertainment System cartridge because Kevin Smith fans are inevitably fans of the NES. This is a game wholly entrenched in its own nostalgia for media that is now old enough to drink, and a writer/director that could be a literal grandpa any day now. This is a “by fans, for fans” affair, and asking it to question its medium or source material is folly. You want to ask greater questions of the universe, you buy a different game. You buy a Jay and Silent Bob game because you want to participate in goofy antics with Jay and Silent Bob.

And you do not watch a Jay and Silent Bob movie for deep thoughts. You watch a Jay and Silent Bob movie because you want to laugh. And you will laugh, because farts are funny.

I also know this guyKevin Smith could have, at one point in his career, pivoted to becoming a “serious” creator. He could have become a serious man in a serious world that has very serious things to say about serious topics. He could have followed the same arc as so many comedians before him, and focused on his deeper thoughts. He did not. He decided to use his filmmaker clout to write comic books where Green Lantern eats out Black Canary, and Batman pisses himself (uh, to be clear, these were two unrelated events). He said his piece on religion, and then went on to create whatever the hell Tusk is supposed to be about. And the thing about all of that? He seems happy about it! He is uncritically producing a movie about a commercial from forty years ago, and he is having a blast doing it! I can barely get through this paragraph without throwing shade at Mattel, but Kevin Smith is right there, happily telling his audience that all their toys are back and better than ever.

And you know what? Good for him! Kevin Smith seems happy. And, unlike other writer/directors, we are not constantly hearing about how he is a horrible person. Maybe we need more people producing a lifetime of “light” entertainment, and significantly less “serious” directors that are currently wanted for various sex crimes. When the biggest scandal to come out of a guy is “those jorts”, we are in a good place. Kevin Smith may not have become the auteur I wanted him to be, but he seems like a good person. And if he produces a funny movie every once in a while, hey, all the better.

The world could use more Kevin Smiths. And the gaming world can have a few Jay and Silent Bob: Mall Brawls, too.

FGC #591 Jay and Silent Bob: Mall Brawl

  • System: Technically, this is a NES game. There’s a cartridge and everything! But the expanded-palette “arcade mode” is also available for the modern usual suspects, like Nintendo Switch and Playstation 4.
  • The fans are upsetNumber of players: Well, it is Jay and Silent Bob, so two players are available. Does the game get more difficult with more buddies? Or are the enemy mobs the same? I don’t know!
  • Favorite Boss: Abobo-as-a-pretzel is super annoying, but he reaches an entire other level when he is joined by some weird little pretzel baby creature. We’re in a crowded elevator, kid, I don’t need you jump kicking me over and over again while I’m trying to punch your dad!
  • A moment for the departed: Clerks: The Animated Series (which is referenced frequently across this game) is easily the funniest single six episodes of any cartoon ever produced. It was also, technically, the first DVD I ever purchased, and the first disc that ever went into my Playstation 2. Sorry, Dead or Alive 2, but I was a little more interested in finding the answer to the immortal question of “why are we walking like this?” Also, mark this one down as another animated series that made reference to South of the Border.

    Put it on the list

    I’m going to start keeping track of this.

  • Let the past be past: Back to the actual game, I could have done without the NES standard of starting every stage from the start after a continue. The fact that Jay and Silent Bob refill health as time passes is helpful, but if you get unexpectedly wrecked by a boss, it is a gigantic pain to have to repeat everything on your way back to another potential loss. And the final stage being a boss rush? Nobody wanted to play that in the first place…
  • An end: If you are curious about the secret identity of the final boss, go ahead and consider that mystery story trope about how the culprit is always the named character that is otherwise mysteriously absent. And, without revealing the shocking conclusion, I can disclose that, yeah, Jay and Silent Bob do make it back home to Quik Stop.
  • Who is Leonardo Leonardo?For the sequel: Theoretically, this game is the “Curse of the Moon” to an eventual, other beat ‘em up titled Jay and Silent Bob: Chronic Blunt Punch. It looks good! It looks like more of the same, actually, but with modern art and conventions. And that’s enough! Trading 8-bit graphics for “goofy” animation should be fun. And we need more fun.
  • Did you know? Dante was supposed to die in the first Clerks movie, but that “alternate ending” was scrapped before the premiere. This is why, in the Devil May Cry franchise, there is often a “Dante must die” mode. Some people just won’t let it go.
  • Would I play again: Probably, but purely as a novelty. This game may have issues, but it doesn’t wear out its welcome, so I could see playing it again with another Kevin Smith fan. Hey, I might not watch Dogma every other day, but I do watch it again every decade or so…

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Muse Dash for the Nintendo Switch! Time to run to the music! Or from the music? Something like that! Please look forward to it!

It's the turbo tunnel
This is like some kind of generational trauma, isn’t it?

FGC #586 Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour

LETS RACING TIMEBack in the 1300s, Chaucer wrote the famous phrase, “familiarity breeds contempt.” But, in the 21st Century, can we quantify how much familiarity breeds contempt? And how much of that contempt can be directed at Disney World?

Today’s title is 100% a Disney product. The last few weeks, we have looked at games that are based on (now) Disney franchises. The Avengers! Mickey Mouse! A human girl that sings songs is next! But, theoretically, you could sever these properties from their root master, and still have a viable product. Mickey Mouse is Disney, but that rodent has proven he can survive in sorcery & swords/keys just as easily as entertain in a variety show. The Avengers existed before Disney, and they could do it again. But Disney World? Walt Disney World is Disney. Even more than Disney Land, Disney World was planned from Day 1 to be Walt Disney’s little “magical kingdom” that may or may not have been intended to be part of a larger eugenics experiment. But there are rides! And the rides have lore! Space Mountain is not just some banal Six Flags rollercoaster, it is about something (space, probably, or mountains). Entire destinations within Orlando now have whole, legitimate “themes”, and you can nary look at an enormous golf ball without being reminded of ol’ Uncle Walt’s dreams for a better, probably vaguely racist world of tomorrow. Since Papa Disney’s passing, his traditions have been kept alive, now with newer parks and features that all highlight that same brand of Disney magic, complete with very intricate tales of albino alligators body surfing down ill-advised ski slopes. Disney World literally defines the very concept of a theme park, and that theme is “Disney is all-encompassing”.

Stay coolSo here is Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour, a game that only Disney could sponsor. It has been stated before that a good kart racer is basically little more than a “controllable” theme park attraction, so here is a kart racer that is straight up just a series of races through theme park attractions. It’s win-win! And, while not everyone may be completely familiar with the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, the majority of tracks on this tour of Disney World are more famous than half the characters that had entire games on the Dreamcast. Sorry, Seaman, but The Pirates of the Caribbean, The Haunted Mansion, and Tommorrowland all got movies in the years since this game’s release, and I’m pretty sure the Jungle Cruise wormed its way into that same criterion at some point in the last dismal year. Blizzard Beach, Typhoon Lagoon, and Hollywood Studios are comparatively newer attractions, but they all still are synonymous with the full Disney World experience. And the secret, bonus track is Splash Mountain? Why, I heard of that on Fox News! It must be popular! And, as one might expect, all the tracks are wholly recognizable as being tied to their “real” rides and venues. Even if every level did not have a full marquee of its name before the event, you would still be able to flawlessly match every track to their attendant attraction.

… Or… at least… I think you could? Probably?

I do not live in Orlando. In fact, I live a solid thousand miles from Disney World. Give or take the ease of air travel, there is no way I can just stop over at the Magic Kingdom on an afternoon. But I was raised as a privileged little boy, so my family visited Disney World once every year for as long as I could remember. There may have been some years off somewhere in there, but I definitely feel like my Disney quota was met annually. And that is significant! Because I can recite with perfect clarity the numerous times my parents messed up my childhood and set me on this path to being the cynical, miserable bastard I am today. But they didn’t screw up Disney! I got there once a year, and, while I have only been there once as an adult thus far, I still have overwhelmingly positive memories of Disney World. Thinking about the rides featured in this game are very much like thinking about some of the games featured on this very blog. Mega Man? Super Mario Bros? All remembered on the same happy echelon as Space Mountain.

Except, as Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour reminded me, that is a steaming pile of mouse hockey.

I once passed out as a direct result of Typhoon Lagoon and I am only going to admit it as ALT testLet’s be clear about something here: I have Mega Man memorized. Mega Man 1-6? Particularly Mega Man 2, 3, and 6? I could draw you maps. Literally! I am not going to claim I could literally play with my eyes closed, or get exact proportions of levels correct, but I definitely know Mega Man games like I know my own neighborhood. And that makes sense! I have played these games frequently from the time I was five, and, with an intervening thirty years, I have reached a point where I confidently know what I am doing when tasked with killing a Quick Man. Same for banishing a Bowser. Or mashing a metroid. Even defeating a Dedede is now second nature, as there are certain games I just know. And, in a weird way, I can safely say that, should you cut away the fluff and cruft of my very soul, and bring that which is “me” down to its absolute component pieces, you probably would find a map from Chrono Trigger. I am a simple man! I am powered by a 16-bit processor that has been chugging on A Link to the Past for years.

But is Disney World there in the core of my soul? Apparently not.

ArrrrrWalt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour sees its racers zoom through various rides and attractions from “real” Disney World. But could I tell you if these racecourses actually follow the arcs of their “source material” rides? Nope. It all feels vaguely familiar, and there are definitely a few landmarks that I can say come directly from the real park (hey, there are those pirates whistling at a dog!), but could I corroborate that they are properly distributed through their areas? Are there big, important parts missing? Are some rides much larger to fill out a track? Smaller? I feel like I should know these things, as some of these rides have been a part of my life since I was a child. But… nope. Just a general foggy memory of Space Mountain here, and I have no real idea if anything meant to simulate the ride is accurate to real-life innovations between 1975, 2000, and 2021. It all seems vaguely correct, but I really have no way of knowing. After all, it is not like I can just “pop in” to Disney World: 1997 in the same way I could boot up Mega Man 2 right now.

But maybe that is a good thing. Maybe the fact that all of my most cherished childhood memories are not always immediately available is ultimately good for my soul. I have Mega Man 3 for NES right here, but do I play it? No. If I am going to play that game, it will be on a videogame system that doesn’t require excessive blowing to get it going. And, even if I am in the mood for Mega Man, I could play Mega Man 11 first. Just for something different! Or Mega Man X for some of the best. Or Mega Man Battle Network for something that is both familiar and different. Ultimately, it is very unlikely that I will play Mega Man 3 in the near future. It is unlikely I will get my old Transformers out of the attic. It is unlikely I will fish out my old comics and give ‘em a read. It is impossible to revisit the Disney World of the 90’s (or so) that lives in my mind, and maybe separating myself from that is a good thing.

And I am pushed to this realization by one Bruno Biggs.

Go BrunoThe tracks of Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour are all 100% based on real Disney World locations. The cast of the game, however, is a different story. We have Chip and Dale in their Rescue Ranger regalia as the stars of this show, as their mischievous antics apparently were the impetus for the plot of this racing game (yes, of course there is a story/goal for this kart racer). Jiminy Cricket is also on-hand in his typical role of the era as company narrator (because no one knew what to do with the absence of ol’ Uncle Walt since the 60’s). But beyond that? There is not a Goofy, Donald, or even Pluto to be found. The playable cast includes the likes of Moe Whiplash, Polly Roger, and Otto Plugnut. Who are they? Who cares! WDWQ:MRT includes three Disney luminaries, and ten original characters that were never seen before, and destined to never be seen again. The company that owns Mickey friggen Mouse decided their company mascot could go ahead and sit this one out, and, in his place, we have Amanda Sparkle. You know! Amanda Sparkle! From absolutely nothing, ever!

But the unknowns of this cast are not to be completely ignored. Sure, they do not have the star power that we would see in House of Mouse (one Disney version of Smash Bros, successfully released for the same general audience a year later), but they do have something of a purpose. Every one of these characters is a clear mix of basic Disney anthropomorphic animal archetypes (duck, dog, mouse, etc) and some kind of theming from one of the featured Disney World attractions. The previously mentioned Amanda Sparkle is a dog-woman that is supposed to be a movie star, so she belongs to the Hollywood Studios area. Baron Karlott is just south of being a Count Duckula xerox, so he is chilling with The Haunted Mansion. If Polly Roger’s name doesn’t give her away, her pirate hat will, and Moe Whiplash is too root’n toot’n to belong anywhere but Big Thunder Mountain. And, considering this is a title where you must gradually unlock all levels, having someone on the cast immediately reminding you that the Epcot Test Track will eventually be available is a boon. Oliver Chickly III might not even be as recognizable as Clarabelle Cow, but at least he has a rationale.

Let's rockAnd, honestly? It is not the worst thing in the world to have these “nobodies” available in a Disney game. Consider that previously mentioned Bruno Biggs. Bruno is ostensibly the representative for the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, as his bio outright states his personality is large, in-charge, and rockin’. He is also pretty large by himself, as he is the biggest racer, and is noticeably wearing a t-shirt that was likely purchased for his (much) littler sister. In fact, if I were to succinctly describe Bruno Biggs, I would simply claim that he is the unholy bastard child of Mickey Mouse and Pete (please do not send me the fanfic where this actually happens). Bruno is a big, round, Ub Iwerks-looking character, but with the familiar ears and snout of the most famous mouse this side of Pikachu. And he is… kind of cool? Like, he is clearly the “jerk” of the cast, but this is a kart racer, so he is less “Bowser conquers the galaxy” and more “Bowser in tennis matches”. And, on that level, he is one (but not the one) of my favorite characters in the game. He is not Mickey. He is the weird, funhouse mirror version of Mr. Mouse. And that is reasonable when you are revisiting a game from a couple of decades back.

And that seems to be best. Two years after the release of Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour, we saw Kingdom Hearts. While it may not have been intentional at the time, that lil’ franchise seemed to codify the Disney Trinity of Mickey, Donald, and Goofy. Beyond the world of Square titles, even beyond the world of videogames, it seems like the likes of Chip, Dale, or Horace Horsecollar have all taken a backseat to see that Mickey, Donald, and Goofy are always the stars of the show. There is no doubt that, were WDWQ:MRT released today, it would feature a story wherein Goofy messed up the Magic Kingdom, Donald and Mickey have to help out their buddy, and Pluto, Minnie, and Daisy were all available to race, too. Bruno Biggs would be nowhere to be seen, and you can just forget about a secret unlockable Ned Shredbetter.

Now it has frogs or whateverAnd maybe the fact that you are now curiously googling Ned Shredbetter is a good thing. You are not familiar with the cast of WDWQ:MRT, because they barely exist. In the same way that you may not completely recall every twist and turn on Space Mountain, Xperimental Utility Duck 71 is an alien mystery. And that can be fun! You know Mickey, you have seen him in a hundred other games. Let the other guys have a turn for once. Put down the traditional Mega Man, play a Disney kart racer from 2000. The old, comfortable standbys will still be available when you get back.

Familiarity will breed contempt, so go ahead and play with the unknown for a little while. Give Bruno a chance.

FGC #586 Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour

  • System: Playstation (1) and Sega Dreamcast. For the record, I played the Playstation version, as that was more immediately across the room. There is also a Game Boy Color version, though I have to assume that has a few graphical downgrades.
  • Number of players: The presence of a Dreamcast version may indicate there is a 4-player mode, but I’m going to claim two players, as nobody ever uses that Playstation multitap.
  • Not a thunderboltStory time: If you are curious, the official story is that Chip and Dale have damaged the machine that is responsible for the nightly Disney fireworks show, so they have to race around the park to find every last chunk to piece it all back together. Unfortunately, this makes WDWQ:MRT one of those “challenge-driven” kart racers where you have to collect seven whatsits across the course and finish in first if you want to see the next track. See also Sonic R or Diddy Kong Racing. Or don’t, because the Disney A.I. is brutal, and I want to go on Splash Mountain now, dammit!
  • Favorite Racer: Tiara Damáge’s whole deal is that she is a “little girl” that likes the villainesses more than the typical Disney Princesses. Good for her! She’s also a duck that dresses like Maleficent, so she 100% has my vote… even if she is a little too close to Magica De Spell to be completely original…
  • Favorite Track: With the way your vehicle changes to be appropriately a boat or kart or whatever for every track, it almost feels like this is the secret prequel to Sega All-Stars Racing: Transformed. And then the Animal Kingdom: Dinosaur track includes those magical portals that seemed to pop up all over the place in that franchise. Seems like an odd coincidence…
  • Unanswered Questions: Is Jiminy Cricket drunk?
    What is up with those eyes

    I really don’t think he should be driving in that condition.
  • Did you know? The curators of the various Magic Kingdoms still officially call the whole thing Walt Disney World. When do you suppose they are going to drop that superfluous first name? Nobody ever visits John D. Rockefeller Center anymore.
  • Would I play again: I am willing to say this is the best kart racer on the Playstation 1. Unfortunately, it has to compete with the best kart racer on the Nintendo 64 for my attention, and that game is a little more accessible in the year 2021…

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Hannah Montana: Rock Out the Show for the PSP! Yes! The Disney train is going to keep chugging with one of their most profitable characters! Please look forward to it!

I'm a tour guide