It may shock you to learn that when I was a Wee Goggle Bob, I was not particularly strong. The basic math here was straightforward: I was a little dude, and I had roughly the same stamina as your average jellyfish. I could successfully lay on a beach all day, but ask me to do the tiniest physical activity, and I was done until the tide could roll me back into the ocean. Or, to get slightly less metaphorical, I am pretty sure I could hold myself up on that President’s Physical Fitness Test horizontal bar for a whole two seconds. I was not the absolute worst student in gym class (you can always find someone smaller and weaker than you, because you have to recoup your lunch money somewhere), but I was definitely in the lower percentiles for my age and gender. And, since these physical fitness tests persisted through elementary school and junior high, I was reminded at least once a year that I best stick to Spelling Bees and Geography Rallies, because the only sports position I could ever hope to fill is waterboy. Go use your noodle arms to solve some equations, Goggle Bob!
Today I am an adult, and I have been for some time. Somewhere in my thirties, puberty finally kicked in, and I grew some workable muscles. I am by no means a physical powerhouse, and I am likely still in the generally “small” percentile for my age and gender, but I am now physically capable of performing feats of strength. I have been asked to help people move! And not just because I compulsively organize their media collections when we get to the new house! I genuinely have no idea exactly when it happened, but my physical fitness has finally improved to perceptible levels.
And, somewhere along the line, I got better at Castlevania, too. That is a less practical skill, but I am happy about it.
This feels like something that should be quantifiable. When I was young and busy failing Presidential Fitness Tests, I also had Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse to keep me company. And I played Castlevania 3 for roughly 3,000 hours and in 3,000 separate ways. I went through different routes, adopted different partners, and fought different bosses all across Castlevania. I also never, not even once, figured out a decent plan of attack for the Leviathan/Demon creature that would follow the Mummies and Cyclops. That room with the falling blocks? Never completed it without exploiting Alucard’s bat form. And, despite having “Help Me” for bonus lives and a password that would take me right to Dracula’s doorstop, I never beat Castlevania 3 (until the advent of save states). That boss has three phases! I could barely handle one!
And, lest you think someone with a gaming blog that has been maintained for the last decade was somehow always bad at videogames, I could deal with other games. Super Mario Bros.? Beat Bowser in all his incarnations. Mega Man 2 or 3? Wily was obliterated. Double Dragon 2? Cleared it (on normal mode). I never beat Karnov on the original hardware, but I did see the credits of Bart vs. The Space Mutants (eventually). And all those beat ‘em ups with limited credits? I conquered The Manhattan Project through sheer force of will. And skill! That had to be a factor.
But the classic Castlevania games? Castlevania (1) was a NES game owned by my cousin, and I was never able to beat it when visiting. Super Castlevania was an amazing showcase of 16-bit hardware, but there was no way I could slog my way to Slogra. Castlevania: Bloodlines was one of my few Sega Genesis games, and its final boss rush was an insurmountable obstacle. And, yes, I did beat Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest, but that was much closer in style to Castlevania: Symphony of the Night/every other metroidvania in the franchise. In fact, complete with being part of the genre name, the Castlevania franchise became synonymous with search action for decades, and the old days of “Nintendo hard” Castlevania titles were over before I had the skills to conquer them.
So, whether children could beat them or not, someone had to take up the Castlevania torch (possibly to fight a Frankenstein[‘s monster]). There have been a number of Classic Castlevanialikes over the years, and today’s feature fits the bill. Let’s look at Saint Slayer: Spear of Sacrilege.
Saint Slayer: Spear of Sacrilege is a 2-D action platformer with enough minor twists that it feels like a “real” Castlevania that was lost on a console nobody ever actually played. Castlevania: Spear of Sacrilege for the Amiga CD32. Basically, we have 100% traditional walk-slowly, jump-deliberately Castlevania gameplay, but the titular Spear of Sacrilege serves a few extra purposes. Your magic meter allows you to throw (copies of) the spear. This not only works for long-distance offense, but also to create makeshift platforms, as a spear stuck in a wall is an excellent foothold. This can subtly and drastically impact platforming challenges (and anything that makes platforming easier in a Castlevania is fine by me). There are a few friendly NPCs walking around, and there are a handful of opportunities to “save” hapless villagers or caged dogs. And you can score a familiar or three! They do not do much, but it is always nice to have a pet goblin around. We have some signs of the modern era with quasi-corpse run mechanics (getting back to your fallen body is not as important a goal as in Shovel Knight, but your rotting carcass will often yield a powerup), and gore levels that tend to lean closer to Splatterhouse. But aside from those caveats, 
there is little here to dissuade a veteran gamer from believing this was something released in 1993. And that is good! 1993 was a great year for videogames! It included Castlevania: Rondo of Blood! Which features a carriage battle that is super similar to a set piece in Saint Slayer: Spear of Sacrilege. This is still good! Saint Slayer: Spear of Sacrilege is an excellent Castlevania just like the games I loved in my childhood.
Except I beat Saint Slayer: Spear of Sacrilege inside of two hours.
It is not because Saint Slayer: Spear of Sacrilege is too easy! There are many places where you might be able to claim this modern Castlevania is even harder than its ancestors. You can slash to destroy powerups, which you can use to avoid a subweapon you don’t desire, but it also means you can accidentally detonate a life-saving chunk of meat. Speaking of restoring health, there are poison pickups that will cause your hero to barf out some health points. Continues are limited, and, while there is a password system, that system does not allow you to retain permanent upgrades (so sympathetically kiss that dog familiar goodbye). And one of the final boss fights is a mirror match of a difficulty not seen since The Legend of Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link. Nobody is going to start hollering that Saint Slayer: Spear of Sacrilege is a baby game for babies.
But I beat it in an evening. The penultimate stage appears to be lovingly borrowed from Battletoads, and I still managed to triumph over the forces of evil. I did not fly through the game, nor did I collect every last bauble on my initial playthrough, but I definitely saw the credits roll in less time than it would take me to… Uh… what’s something that should be quick, but winds up taking more than two hours… oh!… I took less time to beat this game than to write this article. And do you know how weird that is for someone who took literal years to complete Castlevania 3? The final boss of Saint Slayer: Spear of Sacrilege is difficult! And I discerned his pattern inside of ten minutes! Trouble the soul of my mother no longer, guy whose name I cannot immediately remember!
I would love for there to be some game design-based moral here. Something about how you can only play so many Castlevania games before you start to actually get good at them? Or maybe how Castlevania games are about patiently learning patterns and clearing hallways of threats, so you can finally climb a staircase without soaking fireballs? Or possibly finally being able to play the games with save states allowed me to “train” for future titles that would not include such trappings? I don’t know! Nothing feels honest, though. This is a difficult Castlevania-style game, and I no longer see such a thing as difficult. I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know when it happened, but at some point it happened. I look in the mirror, and I do not see the fresh-faced boy that felt threatened by the concept of Dracula having two phases, I see a man that can carry the weight of the world/Spear of Destiny. The world has changed, and so have I. Is it good? Is it bad? It is hard to say. But it definitely is.
I’m still not going to do a pullup for the president, though…
FGC #734 Saint Slayer: Spear of Sacrilege
- System: You can be the Saint Slayer (?) on Nintendo Switch, Playstation 4, Playstation 5, Xbox One, Xbox X|S, and Steam. For this review, I fought through the forces of evil on the Nintendo Switch 2. This is something that should be played with a Nintendo controller.
- Number of players: Sorry, there is only one Spear of Sacrilege available.
- Other Castlevaniaisms: Much like the holy water of holy hand grenade-like quality in the original Castlevania, there are more than a few bosses in Saint Slayer that can be slain practically instantly by the right subweapon. For instance, bring the bomb-spear to the fight with Beatrix, and her wannabe Yellow Devil magic books will be obliterated inside of two hits.
What’re ya Buyin’? There is a shop that randomly appears (sometimes at the top of a level, sometimes not) and offers generally life-saving items and hints. It is an ideal reason to collect cash/crystals and occasionally purchase halos. Also, you can use it on a new game plus to prepurchase your animal buddies. Hang out with a useless dog as much as you like! Though it is weird that that feature is locked on an initial playthrough. It’s not like you have the necessary funds for a purchase literally seconds after starting the game…- Favorite Stage: The dungeon stage is appropriately 8-bit frightening, includes unique mechanics with vengeful torture victims, and is overwhelmingly gross with piles of rotting meat. “The vilest stage” is not usually my first pick, but it feels right for an ostensible horror game.
- Favorite Boss: Every last enemy and boss gets a biography page. This is the best way to convince me a game is good, as it means someone could easily make a 90’s style strategy guide out of the proceedings. That’s worldbuilding! Anywho, Otto the Chef used to be a royal chef, but became corrupted by time traveling wizards or something, so now he attacks with a cleaver as big as a man. Also, he’s like 12 feet tall. That would make operating any kitchen difficult.
- Favorite NPC: Jorg. Nobody beats Jorg.
- Collectathon: There is one hidden relic per level (excluding boss stages). On my initial playthrough, I did not care too much, as collectibles are lower on my priority list than candle meat and 1-ups. But! It turns out each relic unlocks a secret password that allows for some cool mods. Some are simply “always have x powerup” or alike, but several make the game delightfully absurd. “CHICKEN” means you will always be attacked by angry birds (like after attacking a cucco in The Legend of Zelda). “GREENMAN” makes your sprite greener and enhances jumps, but decreases your traction. That’s right! It’s Luigi mode!
Did you know? It appears the only women in this universe are the mysterious shopkeeper, Lavinia, and the mysterious librarian, Beatrix. From this we can gather that ladies have innate abilities to instantly travel through space and time. You learn something new every day. Also, do not pause while waiting to read Beatrix’s dialogue unless you want to be embarrassed by an easter egg inserted by a 12-year-old.- Would I play again: As someone who is apparently very good at Castlevania games, Saint Slayer: Spear of Sacrilege is a quick game that can be completely dominated inside of a day (that’s including all collectibles and any “mod modes” I’d care to conquer). And that’s good! But it does feel like I have gotten everything I want out of the experience for the immediate moment. I will probably play it again somewhere down the line. But, then again, I could just play Castlevania 3 again…
What’s next? Random ROB may or may not have chosen… Shovel Knight Dig! Shovel Knight: Treasure Trove is wrapping up over on the Even Worse Streams side of the site, so the FGC is going to close out Shovel Knight coverage with a different Shovel Knight game! Please look forward to it!
Could have timed that better…