So I’ve been working on a life’s philosophy, and it goes something like, “see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.”
Allow me to explain through the art of videogame essay.
Today we are examining Gitaroo Man. This is a rhythm game that was released on the Playstation 2 back in 2001/2002, and was technically already covered on this very site for being one of the best introductions to gaming-as-a-concept in history. It is a singularly unique experience that could have only been released in its birth epoch (show me a story-based rhythm game with this kind of attention to detail! No, it cannot be a quasi adventure game), and we are blessed that Sony deigned to release a version that is now playable on modern technology for the first time since the friggen’ PSP. It is likely because of some accounting error or musical rights expiring or something, but Gitaroo Man returning to our living room is an event to be celebrated (possibly through website post).
While much can be said of the gameplay and general presentation of Gitaroo Man (and, again, I said it ten years ago), today we are going to focus on the plot. If you have played Gitaroo Man, you likely are leaping to the comment section to affirm that I have gone insane. Fun fact: Gitaroo Man’s plot is a baby story for babies. U-1 (name hilarious in 2001) is a put-upon loser of a teenager. He learns he is a secret superhero, quickly masters his superpowers, flies to space, and saves an entire planet/gets the girl. While he is a hero on Planet Gitaroo, U-1 then returns to his mundane life, but now has the confidence to (double) get the girl back on Earth. Cue the song, roll the credits. The story of Gitaroo Man is unquestionably part of the simple, inviting appeal of the game as a whole, but it also could be a Little Golden Book for rockin’ toddlers. Believe in yourself! Listen to your talking dog!
But to explain myself, I am going to have to throw it to that talking dog
To get a little more into the weeds on Gitaroo Man plot, it is important to note that U-1 is jealous of Kazuya (no relation), who is an excellent skateboarder. U-1 wholeheartedly believes that Pico, the object of his own affection, is dating Kazuya, and that is due to Kazuya’s rad skateboarding moves. U-1 deeply desires the skateboarding skills of your average Hawk, but mastering sick ollies is beyond the capability of his stubby little legs. Puma the Dog knows damn well that U-1 is not going to get anywhere with this skateboarding thing, and encourages U-1 to focus his efforts on his musical powers, because holy cow the Gitaroo can sunder demon babies (more threatening than that sounds) with a meager handful of strums. And speaking of malevolent entities destined to be sundered, when U-1 finally makes it to Planet Gitaroo, he finds that “aliens” Kirah and Zowie bear striking resemblances to Pico and Kazuya. But noble and beautiful Kirah is in the unwilling thrall of Zowie, and Zowie just happens to be an evil dictator that has conquered an entire planet. And, fun fact, Zowie cannot play a musical instrument for crap. He covets the legendary Gitaroo, and had a whole mechanical Armored Gitaroo built just so he could attempt to match Gitaroo Man’s power. And Zowie still loses everything! All that power, and he is still beaten by some kid in a beret.
So an entire planet was enslaved because Zowie wants to be U-1, and U-1 nearly resisted his call to heroism and saving those people because U-1 wants to be Zowie. Neither our hero or villain wants to be who they are!
Naturally, this got me thinking about Elon Musk.
Elon Musk was briefly Earth’s first trillionaire. Even if you want to take the (very reasonable) stance that the whole accounting of it was very creative with what counts as concrete property, or perhaps that the very nature of this status being so fleeting and involving stock estimation proves that the economy is a mug’s bet, you still have to acknowledge that Elon Musk was the first human being valued at over a trillion dollars on this (extremely subjective) scale. It is an achievement! And if you consider net worth to be the literal measure of a man, then Elon Musk is the most winningest man to ever win. He beat the system! He stands above all humans upon a throne made of solid gold! Pay tribute to the God of Wealth! Mammon gets a week off!
And you could not pay me a trillion dollars to be Elon Musk.
Look, I’ve never met the guy. It is entirely possible that Elon Musk, in his own home, in his own space, is a perfectly content dude. It would be disingenuous to claim that it is impossible for a celebrity to have a personality that is used for appearances that is not true to how they act when in a more comfortable environment. But that caveat aside, Elon Musk has certainly projected a persona onto his politics and social media platforms, and that persona is Tower Arcana all the way down to the rancid ground. He is continually railing against practically any minority that exists, and often chastising the whitest of the white productions for so much as mentioning a black or trans person. He temporarily joined our federal government when an odious slob-monster gained power, and utilized a portion of that power to further suppress the people of entire countries. There was the whole “Heil Hitler” thing, which simply does not happen by accident. Roll all of this together, and it paints a picture of a man that has untold wealth and power, but is still actively angry at a planet that does not conform to his imagined best of all possible worlds. He has everything, but because he does not literally have everything, he is dejected, and constantly swinging his fists against shadows.
And I would love to say that if I had a trillion dollars, I would be a better person. In fact, I can say with full confidence that if I had a trillion dollars, I would be significantly less woeful than the creature that is presented as Elon Musk. But the essential problem here is not that my personality is less detestable, it is that my personality would never have a trillion dollars. What it takes to acquire a trillion dollars: the exploitation of labor, sidling up to national officials to reap government contracts, the continual lies regarding conquering the stars, maintaining the mythology around your own intelligence, getting your mom to excuse you from fights with Mark Zuckerberg; I would not ever be able to do any of these things. The first time someone asked me if my Space Company was going to colonize Mars, I would explain how that was impossible within our lifetimes (and my stock would drop). If I had to grease the palms of a dozen corrupt senators so I could effectively supersede NASA, I would start worrying about the educated scientists losing their livelihoods to corporate tomfoolery (and my stock would drop). If someone asked me why my new line of trucks looked and behaved like mobile coffins, I would admit it is because I have terrible design sense, but no one is capable of telling me no (and my stock would drop). And that is the essential problem here: once you have done everything it takes to be a trillionaire, that part of your brain does not simply turn off and kick back with some margaritas. You are forever the person that did everything to get to where you are, so why stop now? Why not pursue the world you want more and more. Never stop, never be happy with what you have. Because if you do stop, then what was the point of all this? Why did you only conquer the world halfway to then quit like some grubby peasant? You need it all.
It is easy to see how that thinking would make someone a touch melancholy.
I want to take this article to not only make an enemy of the richest man in the world, but also the rulers of Saudi Arabia/The King of Fighters tournament (editor’s note: Peter Thiel’s recently outed “secret society” also looks like the most miserable bunch of sods in the world, but we are going with an example that has a slightly happier ending). Remember the Riyadh Comedy Festival? Where Saudi Arabia invited a number of comedians to perform back in the Fall of 2025? And there was a bit of an uproar because celebrities like Sex Pest Louis C.K. or Transphobe Dave Chappelle had previously stated they had morals and concerns about free speech, human rights, and a general aversion to slavery, but they performed for a country built on the broken backs of the oppressed because millions of dollars are millions of dollars? Yeah, that happened. And it happened with such ease (35 different comedians!) because people who get to the level of being internationally recognized comedians are people who are used to fighting for that fame. Anyone can stand up in front of a microphone and make jokes! And while it is certainly a factor that all of these comedians have talent/practiced much of their lives to get where they are; they are also people that had to fight over other equally talented comedians. And over decades (Sex Pest Louis C.K. is nearly 60, Pootie Tang predates 9/11), that shapes who you are. A comedian may broadcast the image of a put-upon ol’ sadsack that just can’t catch a break, but the fact that they are standing on that stage at all means they possess the ruthlessness and drive required to get there. So when you are offered blood money, you are going to take it, because your own wallet has been dripping red for a lot longer than anyone wants to admit.
And I note the Riyadh Comedy Festival not because I am anxious to be beheaded, but because I can state that there are comedians that turned down the affair. “Weird Al” Yankovic recently stated,
“I’m doing enough that I don’t need to take any amount of money if it makes me feel icky, and that kind of did.”
So, yes, you can be wealthy, successful, and have a movie or two to your name and still acknowledge that abusing people is wrong. It is 100% provably possible. But it is also true that Weird Al is not the richest person on the planet. It sure does seem like that guy gained more than a few issues with all of his wealth.
My final thought on the richest of the rich? I covet the wealth, but I sure do not want to be the guy who has it all. I am envious of fame, success, and power. But I would not under any circumstances want to be the man who has all of that. It looks terrible.
Today’s game is about kids that gradually learn that they should focus on what they have, and not live their lives jealous of the powers of others. One boy figures it out, the other dies mad about it (okay, Zowie might be alive in a “Team Rocket is blasting off again” way, but he definitely had a significant fall from his planet’s atmosphere). This is a childish story that has been told a thousand times. Be who you are, not someone else. But even adults could stand to be reminded of this fact. There are people out there with the cool car, the piles of cash, and the lover on their arm that you may want. But how did they get there? Who are they inside that that is their life? Not every successful person is miserable, but did they earn their returns through the misery of others? Is that the person you want to be? Do you want what they have so much that you would want them to be ya? Or should you say see ya?
Always remember the lessons of Gitaroo Man: be who you are. Practice your gitaroo. Do not enslave a planet. Listen to your dog. Find the future in your reality.
FGC #740 Gitaroo Man
- System: Initially the Playstation 2, and then the PSP for Gitaroo Man Lives!. It is now available on contemporary Playstations, where Gitaroo Man truly lives.
- Number of players: I am imagining how 2-player Gitaroo Man would work online, and I am laughing at the absurdity of it functioning.
- What’s in a name? I always want to call this “Gitaroo-Man”. I blame Spider-Man. Relatedly: Peter Parker and U-1 could be identified as the same guy.
- Port-o-Call: As many have noted, the input delay on the Playstation 5 version of Gitaroo Man needs some work. Personally, I have no idea if I am so used to the timing of the PS2 version, or if there is significant lag, or what; but it does seem like the general consensus is that something went wrong here. It’s not like they needed to make the Sanbone Trio any harder…
Modern Innovations: We now officially have rewind and save states in Gitaroo Man. This was a game where, on the initial release, it was impossible to pause. Now you can rewind to cheat your way to an S-Rank? I know I am a big supporter of cheating, but that feels unsavory.- Modern Confusion: How are there still loading screens!? It is the future! The next stage should just pop in instantly! What is even happening!?
- Favorite Level: Born To Be Bone is my favorite song, but I am going to note the Legendary Theme’s emergence on the beach as an amazing experience. That is a stage where you feel inordinately good to earn an S-Rank.
- Did you know? Mojo (Mojo Mojo Mojo) King Bee is the only character to be voiced in English in the Japanese Dub. That means he has the same voice actor across both languages, which is why we all quote his famous lines like, “I’m gonna get you, Gitaroo Man” and “heavy breathing”.
- Would I play again: Now more than ever.
What’s next? We’ve covered Ivysaur. We’ve covered Squirtle. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to complete the Pokémon trio with Charizard. Please look forward to it!