It takes the reflexes of a cat to get through Ghosts ‘n Goblins, so we are going to make today’s article incredibly straightforward. What can and cannot be tolerated in the Makaimura franchise? Here is a simple primer for everyone that does not have the time to memorize the patterns of a thousand zombies.
Allowed: Satan
Satan is a winged, red beast that is literally the first monster you see in Ghosts ‘n Goblins. You fight this dork twice in a loop of Ghosts ‘n Goblins: once as a single foe, and once with a “shadow duplicate”. There are not two Satans. I guess. Look, this is only really explained in supplementary materials, and one could assume this red demon is not, like, the Satan. Satan also reappears to capture Princess Prin Prin in Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, but he is not fought in that adventure. Sit this one out, bro, let the fiend plants do all the work.
Allowed: Astaroth aka The Devil aka Great Satan aka Jark
Astaroth has a long history in mythology, tangentially tracing all the way back to the goddess Astarte of Mesopotamia. He is also the two-faced final boss of Ghosts ‘n Goblins, and one of the most iconic reappearing characters of the franchise. You never quite know which Red Arremer you are dealing with, but Astaroth is always Astaroth. Astaroth’s chest-mouth, demonic depiction is based on Blemmyes, which (to save you a trip to Wikipedia) is the result of centuries-old racism. If you were from Eastern Europe in 800 AD, this would be super offensive, but it is apparently totally cool in 1985.
Forbidden: The Holy Cross
Speaking of traditions, Arthur often finds himself at the doors to his final challenge, but is then told he must return to an earlier level to find the only weapon that can defeat the big bad. In Arthur’s maiden voyage, Astaroth is his ultimate opponent, and this king of the underworld can only be slain by the power of a cross. Unless you live in America, where Arthur gets…
A shield. Link at least got a cross on his shield, but this ain’t no Hyrule. There is… an upside-down A? For Arthur? Maybe? Whatever! Point is that the shield functions exactly like the cross (short range, destroys enemy projectiles), but is no longer religious. And don’t blame Nintendo for this censorship! While this change did persist with the NES version, it first appeared in Capcom’s independent arcade cabinet. Crosses: they are allowed when Konami has a Belmont defeat Dracula, but not when a knight battles Satan.
Allowed: The Psycho Cannon
Ghouls ‘n Ghosts decided this whole shield/cross thing was bunk, so Arthur moved on to having the Psycho Cannon. It is the exact same weapon in all but name: its range and rate of fire is not great, but it does eliminate enemy projectiles. This time, we get the added bonus of it being more powerful at closer range (arguably adopting the advantage of the new Sword weapon), but the drawback of it being the only weapon without an associated, chargeable magic attack. So the Psycho Cannon kicks off the tradition of the final boss only being vulnerable to a weapon that is just a generic magical blast with dubious in-game mythology. Sorry, symbol of Christ, you got demoted for a fireball.
A fireball that, it should be noted, is initially depicted with a pentagram. That symbol has all sorts of meaning across all sorts of cultures, but it is never well received in Satanic Panic circles. It is apparently more permissible than a cross, though, so Lucifer is going to fall to it. Wait, did I say Lucifer? I meant…
Forbidden: Lucifer & Michael & Samael
There is a long line of mythology for all of them, but to summarize: Lucifer is another name for Satan, Samael is another name for Satan, and Michael is meant to be an archangel and general assistant to God, noted rival of Satan. And now we apparently cannot have Satan in forms that are not Satan. It was okay for a Nintendo instruction manual…
But names had to be changed by the time we got to the Genesis. So Lucifer and Michael have both myth-switched to Vikings, and are Loki and Valkyr. That is a passable change, as no one even notices Michael/Valkyr has a name, and Loki is a great name for a villain. But Samael becoming Sardius? That is nothing. That is what happens when you very specifically ask your grandma for Gradius, and she comes back with something that the Gamestop clerk assured her was the same thing. It’s not! Sardius doesn’t have a big core at all! Change things so they make sense, Capcom! Censorship doesn’t have to be arbitrary!
Forbidden: These specific crosses
See? Consistency! We already determined crosses were not allowed. So someone on the Capcom staff didn’t get the memo, and doodled in crosses on the coffins of Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. Easy enough: we’ll mythology switch again, and change them to ankhs. Simple! Now we are all on the same…
Allowed: These specific crosses
Oh come on! You didn’t even check the background!? Can censorship make sense for five seconds? Videogames are for children! We need to censor things that are inappropriate for children! We all agree on that, right? That’s why we do what we do! So let’s think of the children and…
Allowed: Bonus points for collecting women’s underwear
That’s it! All censorship is forbidden forever! I’m gonna go play Mortal Kombat until I don’t believe in God anymore.
FGC #715 Ghosts ‘n Goblins
- System: I ain’t listin’ all these systems. The arcade is where it started, and a whole lot of people played it on the NES. From there, it was ported to everything contemporary, and reappeared every time a system was moderately strong enough to handle it. Did you ever play the Gameboy Color version? Or the iPhone instance? If you are curious, screenshots from today were from either Capcom Arcade Stadium on Nintendo Switch, or the Nintendo Entertainment System Virtual Console on the same system.
Number of players: Everybody always forgets that this one has two player alternating options. I tried it a few times with friends as a kid. We still never got past the second level.- Favorite Weapon: Later games nerfed the dagger, but it is unquestionably the best choice in Ghosts ‘n Goblins. Stab everything with rapid fire, and watch those zombies go down like chumps. The only issue is that you will be upset when you must forsake your favorite knife for a shield.
- What is a demon? The Unicorn Bully is appropriately demonic. Red Arremer, the little devils, and Satan are all super demonic. But the dragon that pops up as the boss of the middle couple of stages? I guess that is threatening, but the beast feels like it should be in another franchise. Maybe something with a ninja? I don’t know. Just get that puppy out of here, and replace it with… let’s see here… Do we have any angry worms available? One of those.
- Kill all Wizards: Later games would add all sorts of variations, but you really cannot beat a random magician transforming Arthur into a toad. It is a classic for a reason!
- An End: Considering the difficulty of this whole adventure, the final boss is relatively easy. For whatever reason, Street Fighter rules are adopted for the battle, and Arthur is always facing Astaroth. Keep shooting, dodge a few fireballs, and you are golden. Arthur is not quite delving into shoot ‘em up territory, but it is a weird change of gameplay for the finale.
Did you know? The final levels of Ghosts ‘n Goblins are nigh impossible, as you have to climb a pair of towers with limited time and an onslaught of monsters that camp ladders. And it is even worse in the North American localization, as the designers added a second Unicorn Bully to pincer attack poor Arthur at the start of the stage. And Satan has double health points! Does Capcom hate America!?- Would I play again: Ghosts ‘n Goblins is a fun game, but its descendants are better. Well, except the PSP nightmare. But the rest of the games are obvious improvements! Sorry, First Arthur, but I need a knight that is capable of scoring a crossbow!
What’s next? Random ROB is continuing spooky month by choosing… Carpathian Night Starring Bela Lugosi! Let’s go hunt some vampires/Bela Lugosi! Please look forward to it!
“Hey, I found your bloomers.”