FGC #731 Silver Surfer

The 1983 Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe #10 includes a profile on (the) Silver Surfer. After a lengthy biography of Norrin Radd’s existence as the herald of Galactus and his later time on Earth, general statistics are registered. Silver Surfer is 6’ 4”. His eyes are white, and his hair is described as “none”. Under “powers” it is noted that “The Silver Surfer possesses vast cosmic power granted him by Galactus” and “he can generate beams of energy through his hands with sufficient destructive force to level a large city”. And, importantly, “the binding forces of silvery material which comprises the Surfer’s ‘skin’ are so great there are few known forces in the universe great enough to overcome them. Thus, he is invulnerable to most forms of physical harm.”

Seven years later, Software Creations developed Silver Surfer for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Silver Surfer (videogame) is a shoot ‘em up where Silver Surfer (guy) has to sail through five selectable stages, beat a few bosses, reclaim some thingamabob, and then raid the Magik Domain to save the universe. Silver Surfer can fire silver blasts, breathe in the vacuum of space, surf above and below water, and even acquire a Gradius-esque “option” to fire in multiple directions. And, of course, Silver Surfer is “invulnerable to most forms of physical harm.”

Unfortunately, “most” is not “every”. After all, “there are few known forces in the universe great enough to overcome (him)”. So here are the top “few known forces” in Silver Surfer (NES) that will instantly kill the cosmic-powered Silver Surfer (and, thus, damn the whole of Creation).

The Edge of a Planet’s Surface

Speed is relative, so, even though 8-bit Silver Surfer appears to be moving at a velocity that can be easily mimicked by most slugs, he is capable of advancing at literally light speed. Crashing into a planet at that rate might not kill the invulnerable Silver Surfer, but it would destroy the planet and every innocent lifeform on it. So this is probably just an example of loss abstraction. You screwed up, player, and this Silver Surfer death is meant to be representative of…

A Wooden Bridge That is Maybe 50 Feet Long

Oh. Uh. Silver Surfer, even at his lowest surfing speed, should just shred through a wooden post like a Thing through teiglach. I… guess… that post could be affixed to the planet’s core. Or… something? Maybe it was a sacred bridge? But there are a lot of them in the same level… Bah! It kills Silver Surfer! Okay!? Let’s just move on to..

Creepy Skeletal Elephant Head Drippings

Yeah! See! This is some kind of magic vs. Superman thing. It is hard to confirm what we are even looking at here, so of course it is capable of defeating Silver Surfer. These elephant skulls are up to something, and they are corrosive to silver-flesh. Could not be more obvious!

Green… Uh… Thingies

And these things! They could be flakes of a negative universe! Or scouts of the villainous Void! Pray you never encounter peas in space, lest your quest will come to an immediate end.

The Tiniest Fireball

And this fireball that is the size of Silver Surfer’s pinky finger! Silver Surfer has been known to fly through friggen’ suns, but that fireball must have been lobbed by Firelord, who also has Cosmic Power on occasion. Sure, it is a diminutive chunk of flame, but bullets are small, too. This is like a space-fire-bullet. See? It makes total sense! These are all canonical threats to…

Spirit Halloween Ghosts

Okay. Silver Surfer has occasionally delved into the metaphysical. Particularly in his early years, it was established that Silver Surfer is a little too overpowered to knock around Doctor Octopus, so Silver Surfer did a lot of arguing with cosmic deities over the goodness of man or whatever. Silver Surfer was distinctly saving souls, and it makes a certain amount of sense that Silver Surfer could be defeated by corrupted feelings. But, my dudes, those are just “ghosts” you can buy from Spirit Halloween. Your grandma could grab those things by the dozen on November 1, and apparently have the Silver Surfer defeated in time for Matlock (thank you, CBS, for making that reference perennial). If these lawn ornaments can slay our hero, then any person can accomplish Silver Surfercide.

Wee Turtles

Whoops! Spoke too soon! Reptyl has some pet reptiles ready to trash Kid Radd, and they can accomplish their goal with the same haste as grandma’s ghosts up there. So apparently not only can any human beat down the former herald of Galactus, most animals can do it, too.

An Upset Caterpillar

Dammit! Add invertebrates to the list. You do not even need a spine to overcome the Silver Surfer. Would you still be victorious if you were a worm? Apparently! What further indignities…

This Urn

Man, I could survive touching pottery, and I am legendarily easy to kill. There are whole forums dedicated to the many ways to murder me, and I do not think a single weirdo on there has just said “urn”. That is ridiculous! Urns are not murder weapons! They are accessories to Three Stooges gags! Or valuable rupee containers! Silver Surfer is susceptible to goddamned everything!

A Single Rubber Duck

Silver Surfer will fall to an inanimate object that is best known for pleasing a muppet. Pack it in, boys. The universe is doomed.

FGC #731 Silver Surfer

• System: Originally an NES title that seemed damned to never leave its home system, Silver Surfer is now part of the Marvel MaXimum Collection, and can be played on the Nintendo Switch (2), Xbox X/S, Playstation 5, and general Windows machines.
• Number of players: There is no possible way you could ever get another person to play this with you.
• Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: People are always excited to note how difficult Silver Surfer is as a shoot ‘em up, and they are correct to do so. However, the history books should note that the main reason for this difficulty is that Silver Surfer has zero HP, a hitbox that is suicide-shaped, and a universe containing two distinct bullet hells (maybe three). Oh, and there are apparent “traps” that exist simply to punish you for guessing at the wrong route. But once you get past that, it is… still pretty boring. Alternating between horizontal and vertical scrolling adds a little variety, so that is… uh… Gah, I think this game bored me into a coma.
• Just play the gig man: Popular opinion is that the music in Silver Surfer is amazing. I’m not hearing it. It’s not bad, and it is bordering on something you might hear on the Sega Genesis (complimentary), but it does not have that earworm quality that is essential to good gaming music. Sorry, music critics of 1990, I am not with you on this one.
• Favorite Boss: Can you believe Marvel has a cosmic villain named the Collector, and then they had the temerity to introduce another dude named the Possessor? And Silver Surfer got stuck with the latter as a boss battle? Dreadful. Give me the Skrull Emperor any day. At least he brought a wall of guns to the fight.
• Did not understand the assignment. Mephisto, Marvel’s (usual, occasionally deposed) Lord of Hell has a level that is mostly hellish… Uh… from a “this is where damned souls hang out” perspective. It’s not (just) hell to play. But Firelord has a stage with a lot of damned imagery, jack-o-lanterns, and more flaming pits than someone would expect to see from a retired Xandarian. So I am confident in saying the creators thought he was some kind of Hell royalty, too. Probably the same guys that chose “the Possessor” as an antagonist…
• Other Canon Questions: The Magik Dimension has no relation to Marvel’s current darling X-Men character (established in 1983), but is another excuse for the art department to throw assets at the wall to see what sticks. And the final boss of the area (/the whole game) appears to be Mr. Sinister from his character portrait, but is a giant purple monster when confronted. Maybe he is supposed to be Thanos? Or a Mindless One? Or no one ever got to the end of the game, so it didn’t matter at all?
• An End: After conquering the Magik Dimension, Galactus announces that the Silver Surfer must now hand the doomsday weapon (?) over to the world devourer. But Silver Surfer refuses! And… that’s it. Silver Surfer just leaves, Galactus is like “man, I gotta go get something to eat,” and that is the end of it all. You never fight Galactus! It’s a friggen’ Silver Surfer game, Galactus is there the whole time, and you never fight him! Argh!
• Goggle Bob Fact: The first “real” floppy comic I ever read was a Silver Surfer castoff from one of my mom’s friends. It is hard to describe the level of confusion Moebius sparked in my young mind… before I just went back to playing Mega Man 2. Now there’s a story!
• Did you know? After beating the game, the credits roll. Then, like when you hit a Game Over, you see a high score table titled “The Super Surfers”. All the names of the highest scoring surfers just appeared in the credits seconds earlier. Despite it fitting perfectly, no one stuck “STN” “LEE” in there. “JCK” “KBY” would also have been accepted.
• Would I play again: Silver Surfer contains three separate runs of escalating difficulty. I was ready to never play again after the first quest. So, no, I will not be revisiting Silver Surfer’s gloriously vulnerable abs again anytime soon.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen to take a week off so I can get back to that whole “friends recommend games” thing. Next week, we are looking at Cassandralyn’s suggestion of Yoku’s Island Express. Please look forward to it!