New rule: replace all 2-D platforming “water levels” with “digging levels”.
… I really think I’m on to something here…
Look, we all know why we have water levels, right? Here, I brought visual aids.
Here is Mario at ol’ World 1-1. You don’t even think about it when you are playing, but Mario only ever occupies the lowest quadrant of the screen. Yes, there are a few “floating” blocks here and there, and Mario can certainly jump his share of mans, but the majority of the action happens at ground level.
For a slight change of pace, even when facing down his own personal Godzilla, Mario has only been centered, and does not get to play in much more of the screen area. In fact, the “tight corridors” of your average fortress stage create tension with claustrophobia… But Mario is still occupying roughly the same amount of space. There’s a big, scary ceiling instead of an infinite blue sky, but you weren’t going to fly up there anyway. You would have to wait two whole games to earn that raccoon tail!
But now we are talking. Without the player even noticing, the humble water level has granted Mario full reign of your entire CRT screen. And, more importantly, it has granted Mario’s opponents access to a world (of pain). Did you hate bloopers as a child? Was it because you could not jump on them? Or was it because there was nowhere to hide? Once Mario gets his overalls wet, he is utilizing the full area available… and it practically becomes a shoot ‘em up. In fact, that nearly literally happens by Super Mario Bros. 3.
And even if your 2-D hero does not “swim”, we are all familiar with how other water levels across the genre facilitate different, more vertical playstyles…
There are options! But one thing is common across water levels: they flood the screen with possibilities.
If you are a Mario-ologist, you may be jumping to object to these assertions. “Why, Goggle Bob,” you may say, “Super Mario Bros. 2, the game immediately after Super Mario Bros. in America (as in Japan it is known as Doki Doki Panic, which I must state when it is mentioned, because I am a big, smelly nerd) is vertical like the day is long. Mario gets all over that screen.” And, while this may be technically accurate, it is wrong and you should feel stupid for thinking such a thing, hypothetical reader whom I now hate. Even when ladders/vines and platforms find ways to make Mario ‘n friends leap all over the screen, there is still so much space between. What is the count on the most “elevations” you ever see on a screen in Super Mario Bros. 2? Three? Maybe four?
A water stage has infinite places a cheap cheap may find you. Or, to note it again (because I have to squeeze more content out of this level I hate)
Can you even count the number of Jelectros on the screen? No, of course not. We do not have the technology to count that high. It is impossible.
At this point, there are two people that have absorbed this article and are thus producing contradictory thoughts. There are those that have not actively played 2-D platformers for years saying, “Oh! These water levels sound great! Using the whole screen is fun for the whole family!” On the other side, we have people that have played through World 2-2 more than two times saying, “Godless Bob, you are full of Toki excrement; there has not been a fun water level in four decades of gaming.” And both of the guys I just made up are right! Water levels are an exciting way to utilize new options in platforming, and they also suck worse than a hedgehog drowning in a labyrinth. And everyone that has ever suffered knows the reason why: it sucks to swim. Hitting the pool in real life may be a reason to visit TripAdvisor, but simulating water in a platforming game inevitably leads to physics that are slower and more laborious. It just plain feels better to run around back where the sun is shining. Mario yearns for the land! Don’t tell him it is better down where it’s wetter.
So how about we stick to the dirt, and follow Pepper Grinder’s example.
Pepper Grinder is a 2024 game by Devolver Digital that is impossible to buy on Amazon (“No, dammit, you stupid search bar, stop switching me back to the home goods department. I want the videogame, you monster company!”). You play the part of Pepper, a shipwrecked madam that instantly acquires a portable drill that is approximately twice her size. Pepper masters this drill immediately (noting that I would not be that adept. I would have taken my own arm off inside of approximately seven seconds), and ventures across four worlds to beat back some pirates (or something) that stole her treasure. Much like Drill Dozer, Pepper’s grinder is the main way you accomplish anything, and all movement is based on dexterously utilizing the drill. But unlike Drill Dozer, Pepper’s adventure is less about discovery, and more about straight platforming.
And that is glorious.
Let’s address the gorilla in the room: this is a classic Donkey Kong Country game. Your entire existence is about momentum, there are secrets to find that are mostly based on properly jumping off/out of things, and playing any stage for seven seconds quickly gives a player the impression that they should only need seven seconds to complete the level. This is not Sonic the Hedgehog where the goal is to see how much of the world can become a blur, this is Diddy Kong’s jam, where your greatest goal is to discover how long you can stay somersaulting. Line up those enemies! Blast through flying cannons the moment there is an opening! Vault from one speed-boosting patch of dirt to another! You can “fail”. You are allowed to slow down, take in the level, and maybe drill around for some extra gems. But complete with that omnipresent time attack challenge, it is clear the best way to play is to blast through the earth with maximum momentum.
And the best part? Thanks to the scope of drilling through any available patch of dirt, you are utilizing the whole screen. It is like a water level! But with the breakneck speed of the best Donkey Kong Country stages. Donkey Kong Country could learn from this! You may miss out on Aquatic Ambiance and Enguarde, but that is a small price to pay for a game that never, ever stops being fast and fun.
So here is the new plan: give Donkey Kong a drill. Give Sonic the Hedgehog a drill. Mario has intermittently gotten drills in recent games (he always has been a trendsetter), but make sure he has one at all times. Clear out the water levels. Tell Torpedo Ted to get a new job. All Bloopers will be forced above ground. It is time to drain the swamp of water levels, and get back to drilling. Drills are apparently the secret sauce that can make 2-D platforming eternally entertaining.
And if you think it is impossible to make “water levels” fast and fun by emulating different playstyles, well, I have a certain dolphin you need to talk to…
FGC #719 Pepper Grinder
- System: Modern times means modern PC, Switch, Playstation 4, Playstation 5, Xbox One, and Xbox X|S releases. Weirdly enough, I got a deal on the Playstation 5 version, so that is what you see in this article (if you are not looking at pictures of Mario).
- Number of Players: Pepper is alone on this quest. Is there some way to unlock playing as Level 3 Boss Mint? I kinda figured that would happen eventually…
- What’s in a name? Oh! Pepper and Mint. I just got that.
Story Time: This was basically covered in the article, but to be clear: Pepper lost her treasure, and she needs to reclaim it from an entire city of troll-creatures called Narlings (they kinda look like narwhals). I’m only reiterating this because the Narlings are eventually revealed to be ruled by a king, and that king is some skeleton monster man that would dwarf most skyscrapers. I was expecting a vast final showdown with something, but what are these critters feeding their monarch?- Other Similarities: I maintain that this is a secret Donkey Kong Country game with its physics and collectathon elements, but given you are fighting pirates for treasure and attempting to selfishly collect as much as possible, Pepper could be replaced with Wario. We could finally have a new Wario Land game again! Also: Donkey Kong Country + Wario Land is probably my dream platformer, so it is easy to see why I enjoyed this one…
- Switch it up: Drilling is your main verb, but there are a few spots where you get to plug your drill into a peripheral or some kind. For instance, you get a mobile gatling gun that transforms a few areas into run ‘n gun adventures. And then there is the mech suit that is many times your size and a million times more destructive. In conclusion, someone stuck some Contra and Mega Man X in here, thus further tickling my fancy.
- Collectathoning: There are hidden coins across stages, and they can purchase cosmetic options (hair, cape) as well as alternate routes on the map. These “shortcuts” are not interesting enough to really justify having a cost, and they do not unlock a secret lost world or alike, but they are additional Pepper Grinder content. Unlock all the stages for the full Pepper Grinder experience! And maybe destroy a few balloons!
- So there are no water levels? Technically there are a few spots where you go underwater. They suck. So Pepper Grinder is just consistent in showcasing how water stages should be obliterated.
Say something mean: The boss of the first world is awful. It is the ol’ standby of a monster that can only be attacked during a particular vulnerable period, and if you lose at any point in the fight, you have to start at the beginning, thus trudging through the early volleys that are tedious beyond reason. Later bosses all have clear “parry” moments, but you can get some extra hits in so you are not just chilling and waiting for that miniscule opening. The first boss offers no such opening, so it is 70% waiting around by volume. I am glad I did not quit at this early, terrible boss, but I was sorely tempted.- Did you know? Pepper Grinder was developed by Ahr Ech, which is based out of Oregon. I cannot name a single other thing, videogame related or otherwise, that comes from Oregon. … Craters?
- Would I play again: Yes! I might even buy an extra copy to have on Nintendo Switch (2) just so I can play it randomly on the go. It’s a short game, but (almost) every second of it is fun, and I would be glad to play through it again.
What’s next? It is somehow the end of the month again already, so we are back to the Smash Bros. Challenge and ready to engage Ridley, motherlover. Please look forward to it!
