Tag Archives: psp

FGC #587 Hannah Montana: Rock Out The Show

Yes, let us all rockHannah Montana: Rock Out The Show is an “Only on Playstation” PSP title that sees Disney’s Hannah Montana rock out a variety of shows. While Hannah is rocking, it is your job to dress her and her backup dancers, prepare the stage, and then press a series of random buttons so your star can rock as optimally as possible. It is a pretty straightforward example of a rhythm game, though there is a smattering of a plot with Hannah stuck planning on her own world tour while her dad reminds Disney lawyers that the man responsible for Achey Breaky Heart does not appear in videogames. And, since we have a plot going anyway, may as well act out a few “skits” that are similar in tone to the television series that made Hannah Montana a household name.

Actually… uh… sorry to show my whole ass here, but I’ve never seen an episode of Hannah Montana. I apologize! I wasn’t the right age for Disney Channel programming, and… Wait, sorry, that’s a lie. I watched a lot of Disney Channel shows, because I am a perpetual adolescent that will always be excited about fantastical adventures (for further evidence, please see the entire rest of this blog). I just didn’t watch any live action Disney Channel content. I have enough real life in my real life! I don’t need to be reminded of a grotesque world that looks like mine, but Corey is somehow in the house! So I missed Hannah Montana when it was new, and thus do not know if her taking a tour to Madagascar or Mumbai is supposed to be normal, funny, or ironic. Are these characters always so antagonistic to each other? Is the obvious and impending fratricide a normal part of the programming? I just don’t know!

However, I do know one thing, and that is that you can judge an artist by their songs pretty easily. I do not have the time to consume 98 episodes of content to determine whether this Lilly character is relevant to the overarching themes of the concept. But I can listen to the eleven songs included on this humble UMD. And, from listening to these eleven songs long enough to parse out some lyrics, it has been determined that Hannah Montana has four, evidently Disney-approved themes:

Hannah Montana Likes to Party!
Song examples:

  • Pumpin’ Up the Party
  • Let’s Get Crazy
  • We got the Party
  • Let’s Do This

FancyOkay, easy one! Hannah Montana is an entertainer grown in Nashville labs for the express purpose of entertaining teens and tweens (“tweens” are presumably teens that enjoy the comedic antics of Wario). And what does that age group love? Partying! So don’t worry, not-kids, Hannah Montana is here to help you party like a rock star! Well… a Disney approved rock star. You can’t get too cray-cray when Lord Mickey is watching.

So Hannah Montana has at least four songs that are “party songs”. They are party songs that are about as generic as possible (yes, Hannah, let us all “get loud” in an authority-approved way), but they are at least teen-appropriate with a number of references to adults not understanding (“parents might not understand”) while the rocking is happening. And, hey, the songs do actually rock! Or at least there’s a steady beat! These songs are more exciting than… uh… singing hymns? Surely you would not be allowed to rock this hard in the presence of a nun.

“Let’s Do This” also contains references to the artist wishing to invite the whole of the audience backstage for the rockin’ “real party” after the show. This neatly brings us to our next point…

Hannah Montana is Secretly Better than You
Song Examples:

  • Best of Both Worlds
  • Just Like You
  • Rock Star

Dance itSo this is apparently the “conflict” of Hannah Montana. Hannah Montana is a stage persona, but the “real” Hannah Montana is Miley Stewart, a normal teenage girl just like you or me! Wow! She’s a rock star, but also has to go to math class! She can be the best of both worlds!

And, like, that’s great for you, Hannah, but this boasting doesn’t have to be the focus of, like, half these songs. There is probably some wonderful wish fulfillment here for teens who want to experience that same “the best part is that you get to be whoever you want to be”, but you will note that these songs do not sing about the glories of finishing your English homework. They are all about “living the dream” and “signing autographs” and having “dreams come true” despite being “just like you”. She doesn’t want to be treated differently! Except maybe she can still go to lavish movie premieres!

Can’t you see I’m just an ordinary girl? Who may or may not have servants that dance for her personal amusement? You don’t? Wow, that sucks.

And the stated surprise of “Rock Star” is “I might even be a rock star,” which seems to denote that this secret life could be the secret of most anyone. It, ya know, isn’t, but the implication brings us to…

Hannah Montana is Downright Better than You
Song Examples:

  • I Got Nerve
  • Supergirl

Something about butterflies“Supergirl” seems to posit that you do not want to be a super girl like Hannah Montana. This clearly-not-a-kryptonian claims in an opening lyric that just because she is a star, it does not mean she gets whatever she wants when she snaps her fingers “just like that”. And that is likely true! But the rest of the song outlines how she is on the “covers of your magazines”, is the center of attention literally everywhere she goes, and is apparently a trendsetter in everything from fashion to leisure activities. She once again claims to be like you or I, immediately before noting that she is “super cool, super hot,” and whatever the hell “super super” is supposed to be.

The message is clear: Hannah Montana has deep feelings and bad days just like you or I, but she is also the center of the universe. Even in your wildest dreams, humble(d) listener, you will never reach the lofty, exalted position as The All-Hannah Montana.

And then there’s “I Got Nerve”, which could be a great “every girl” anthem about having the nerve to understand that anyone in Hannah’s audience could be someone that says “I know where I stand, I know how I am” and “gonna get what I deserve”. But it starts with “we haven’t met, and that’s okay, ‘cause you will be asking for me one day” and ends with a haunting refrain of “I’m what you want” and “what you need”, thus reminding you the listener that Hannah Montana is not “every girl”, she’s Supergirl. She is unique. She is special. You are… what was your name again? Anonymous Fan #67,163? Wow! That’s cool! Are you named after your grandma?

Hannah Montana is Every Woman
Song Examples:

  • Nobody’s Perfect
  • Life’s What You Make It

Keyboardists rock!Bah, perhaps this is all too cynical. It is not about identifying Hannah Montana as some inaccessible, marginally impossible goal of super stardom at the age of thirteen, it is about escapism. Nobody chastises anyone that enjoys Peter Parker and his secret identity as the Spectacular Sticky-Man, and Hannah Montana should not be judged like a “real person” just because Miley Cyrus actually is a real person that got to achieve the rock star dream before she was old enough to drive. It is unerringly contemptuous to interpret these anthems as musical arrogance.

And besides, you have songs like “Life’s What You Make It”, which plainly states that you can make life hard or a party, it’s all up to you! You can party with Hannah Montana, you just have to believe in the Hannah Montana in your heart! You decide! Your life is under your control! And “Nobody’s Perfect”, which has a distinct refrain about everybody making mistakes! Hannah Montana has to “work it again and again to make it right”, and that’s a good lesson for anyone! “Try again!” It works for pop idols and regular losers alike!

Hannah Montana is a celebrity, but she is also a teenage girl, just like her intended audience. She is as mundane and universal as her songs. She is not perfect. She is just a woman trying to make her life what she wants to make it.

And you can help her by watching her internationally broadcast show, buying her albums, playing her videogames, purchasing her officially licensed Sony Playstation Portable variant model…

FGC #587 Hannah Montana: Rock Out The Show

  • System: There are Hannah Montana games on other systems (mostly related to the movie), but this specific game is only on the PSP. Did it make the jump to the Vita? Only Miley’s brand manager knows for sure.
  • Number of players: You can share your performances with other players, so does that count as multiplayer? If not, it is just Hannah Montana singing alone.
  • World Tour: Hannah Montana starts in Nashville, but then travels to international locations like Mexico City, Venice, and Tokyo. Even if this is a non-canon adventure on top of a fictional show, I appreciate any time a “world tour” visits more locations than “everywhere in the United States, and London”.
  • Hardware: There is a solid pink PSP-3000 that was packaged with Hannah Montana: Rock Out the Show. To my knowledge, it was the only PSP-3000 that was distinctly “for the girls”. Also, it is the only PSP-3000 that I own.

    Also the sound you make for a cat

    What? I wanted something stylish for when I have to output my PSP games! Did you think I was emulating these things this whole time? Gitaroo Man does not deserve that.

  • A sign of the times: You can use your PSP’s online functionality to access the websites for Hannah Montana and Radio Disney! Yay! You would never be able to type those links in a browser on your own!
  • What’s in a name: Apparently Billy Ray Cyrus’s name on Hannah Montana is Robby Ray Stewart. I don’t know why this makes me laugh every single time.
  • Goggle Bob Fact: It is goddamned impossible to find the proper track list for this game anywhere online. I had to complete the whole story mode, and then transcribe the song names just to get this article started! The things I do for an article about a PSP game written to appeal to exactly no one, least of all the author!
  • WooooooDid you know? Apparently there is an episode of Hannah Montana that was pulled and repurposed in America because it upset the Children with Diabetes organization. The episode was titled “No Sugar, Sugar”, and was offensive thanks to its complete inability to portray diabetes in a remotely correct fashion. The episode did manage to air everywhere else in the world, though, and occasionally showed up in Disney syndication thanks to human error and/or the nefarious forces of Blubberman. Why does it still air in other countries, when its comments on diabetes are just as wrong outside the US? We may never know.
  • Would I play again: Is this a decent little rhythm game? Yes. Is it also entirely superfluous in the face of other, more modern videogames? Also yes. I will only play this game again if I want to revisit the fabulous world of Hannah Montana… which isn’t likely to happen ever again.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Disney’s Kim Possible: What’s the Switch?! It’s our final look at Disney nonsense, and it’s probably even more alienating to my audience than this Hannah Montana nonsense! Hooray! Please look forward to it!

It's vaguely funny
Okay, the little skits are somewhat charming

FGC #583 What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 2

Shhhhh he's talkingLet’s talk about dungeons, Mario Making, and executive dysfunction.

Super Mario Maker 2 was released nearly two years ago. Initially, it had much the same issue as Street Fighter 5 or Splatoon 2: the previous version had been subject to frequent updates featuring both quality-of-life and just-plain-cool upgrades, and Super Mario Maker 2 did not feel different enough from its predecessor to really deserve that same dedication. I already made a bunch of Super Mario Maker 1 stages, why do I need to find new ways to utilize Cloud Strife-based puns for these same lakitu barrages? But, over time, Super Mario Maker 2 obtained its own updates, and now we’re looking at a totally new experience that involves frog suits, SMB2 mushrooms, and some patently-dubious ninji speedruns. Super Mario Maker 2 is well and truly its own animal at this point, and, while official support may be waning now (sorry, no new game styles for you), general community support is still there and active, so you can create infinity Mario stages for a very expectant audience. This is the perfect time to tear into Super Mario Maker 2!

Aaaand I can’t make a single damn level. The soul is willing, but the mind is weak and pasty…

There is a part of me that wants to create a Super Mario Maker 2 “game”. Eight worlds, four levels each, and theme each world around a different aspect of Mario. Maybe make World 1 something more based on Super Mario Bros. (1) gameplay, while a later world features the quirks of Super Mario Bros. 3. And the various powerups! And vehicles! I could make a whole world that is a vague shoot ‘em up! I love those things! I have a thousand ideas for Super Mario Maker 2, and I should be able to fill up a whole universe with ‘em inside of a few days.

Working awayBut, if I am being honest, that kind of project has always been a problem for me. I might want to do something, I might even have some great ideas for individual moments in some grand design, but when it comes time to actually sit down and do it, I am stuck. I cannot make even one level. Why? Well, some would claim it is a failing of the soul. Others may point to a low level form of executive dysfunction/dysexecutive syndrome and/or adult attention-deficit disorder. My father would just say I’m slacking off again (good job with the tough love, dad). Am I going to try to self-diagnose my inability to make Mario levels for a blog post? Maybe! But the end result is the same: there ain’t no Goggle Bob Super Mario Maker 2 stages available, and it is pretty safe to assume there won’t be any any time soon, either.

If you really want to get into the details of why Super Mario Maker 2 isn’t happening, look no further than the many, many options available within the game. I am being crippled by choice! I understand dividing it into manageable, themed chunks is not only a good design theory, but also something my brain can possibly process. I cannot deal with multiple “universes” of Mario availability, but I could potentially sit down and figure out the best damn Super Mario World courses possible. I could do that! But I’m not going to, because, even limited to one “style”, I can still choose from like twenty different monsters, ten different obstacles, and oh man I am totally ignoring how I could shoehorn Yoshi into all of this nonsense. And even all that comes after designing a level layout. How am I supposed to figure out how to stack seventy hammer bros if I can’t lay the path Mario is going to take!? Maybe I should start with a basic layout, and go from there… But would that be too boring?

Or maybe I should just play a game that is all basic layouts…

It's the food chain!What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 2 is a Playstation Portable title from 2008 that didn’t see North American shores until 2010. Since this article is already ridiculously autobiographical, I will note that I purchased this game back in the day for two distinct reasons:

  1. At the time, I believed NIS America to be the sole source of humor in videogames, and NIS America was responsible for this localization.
  2. I believed this to be a Warioware/W.T.F. style minigame compilation, as was the style with “eccentric” titles of the time.

By now, both of those assumptions have been proven to be differing degrees of terrible. Congratulations on NIS for pioneering the concept of being glib about JRPG conventions, but, man, the American indie scene adopted that tone, and now you can’t get six games into the eShop without ramming into thirty snide references to how the good ol’ days of gaming weren’t always so good. And, more importantly, WDIDTDTML!?2 is not a minigame simulator. This is a game that has one basic gameplay concept expanded to multiple levels. And that concept? You are the bad guy, and you have to build your own dungeon to keep the heroes out and/or dead.

But don’t worry! Being an evil overlord is easy! Apparently thwarting heroes is as straightforward as playing Dig Dug. There are four or five stratums of dirt under every dungeon entrance, and it is your task, God of Destruction, to grab that pickaxe and plink out a path through the mud. Along the way, various monsters will be released from the surrounding ether, and, after a sufficiently winding path is constructed, you will place Demon Lord Badman in the most fortified location. Then, the heroes inevitably start their march toward Lord Badman, and the only thing that is going to hold them back is a twisty dungeon filled with an army of monsters. And do not worry if you lose a few monsters, because their essence can be “recycled” into bigger and badder baddies, so maybe Dolph Heroman, Slayer of Slimes, will be devoured by a reincarnated lizard the size of a Buick. Lord Badman is in good (bad) hands!

It's a party!And, according to the narrative details of WDIDTDTML!?2, those monsters getting “recycled” is ultimately the point of the game. Every dungeon you create is a mini eco system, and depending on how food (other monsters, adventurers) is distributed in this environment, you may see all kinds of mutations and variants in your creature population. Mutants may appear because they are overfeeding (sorry, those slimes are just too delicious), or they have been absorbing too much ambient dungeon mana. Or maybe they just dropped into the place from a gateway to Hell, and they are about to throw the whole ecosystem out of whack! I mean, it’s all good as long as Lord Badman is protected from encroaching mages, but, still, would have liked to see those omnomnom worms survive. And, for the record, if you would like to play with this whole “ecosystem” mechanic, there is a mode in WDIDTDTML!?2 that is basically “free play”, and you can see just how many skelemans (actually their names this time!) you can have operating before a Wookiemon devours the whole lot. We’re all learning together!

But whether you are here to see the mating habits of dragons or not, there is definitely some magic happening. You are making a dungeon! Okay… yes… I’ve been saying that all along, but you’re making a dungeon carelessly! Wait.. that’s still wrong… You’re making a dungeon without thinking? Dammit! What I am trying to say is that when playing WDIDTDTML!?2, you are using the same basic tools as your average Mario Maker (making levels, distributing monsters/traps), but you are doing it with all the haste necessary to repel an invading force. There is a time limit. There are resource limits. There is an immediate challenge, and I can deal with an immediate challenge. I can work with a deadline. Would I make more complicated, noteworthy, and potentially brilliant dungeons if I were working with the unfettered freedom available in a different “maker” style game? Of course! But would I actually make anything in that environment? Evidently not!

Look at that spriteSo, as much as I hate authority, I know something simple about myself: I cannot work unless someone is yelling at me. I cannot create unless there is a clear and present deadline. I cannot trust myself to do goddamned anything unless someone, whether they be a Hell Lord or not, is complaining about my lack of output. I could do anything, but I’m not going to do a damn thing until it can be described as “looming”.

And I’m going to keep playing WDIDTDTML!?2 until Super Mario Maker 3 includes a mode where Bowser yells about not having a built castle yet.

FGC #583 What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 2

  • System: Sony PSP, and I’m pretty that’s it. There’s a quasi-sequel on the Vita, but I don’t think this UMD made the jump over to the digital realm of the Vita. Or maybe it did? I don’t know. Not like there’s an online shop where I can check.
  • Number of players: Just the one. It “feels” like it is 2-players with the existence of the invading heroes, but they’re exclusively A.I.-controlled.
  • What’s in a name? The original title for this game was “Holy Invasion Of Privacy, Badman! 2: Time To Tighten Up Security!”, however, there were some concerns about the Batman estate (carefully managed by billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne for some reason) taking legal action against the more Batusi-based title. The bad guy is still named Badman, though. Oh, and if we’re going with the original Japanese title, that’s “For a hero, [you are] quite [impudent/cheeky/bold] 2”. It must be a mouthful either way.
  • This is technically the first oneFavorite Monster: Black Hole Stomach is one of the overweight mutations of the succubus-style monsters. I appreciate the fact that this is, like, the one game I can name where there are “fat” human-type monsters, and they’re not just walking jokes or portrayed by a sprite that is simply marginally rounder. Black Hole Stomachs are just as jiggly as any other large monster. And their “ecosystem” stats mean they subsist on spirits! How do you gain weight by eating the ephemeral? Just a lot to like/unanswered questions there.
  • For the prequel: What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 1 was a DLC-exclusive title that could be lost to the ages… but WDIDTDTML!?2 included it on the disc via entry of a secret code (that is listed in the instruction booklet). Hooray for game preservation! Of course, WDIDTDTML!?1 kind of feels like a warmup for WDIDTDTML!?2’s more intricate gameplay, so there is very little reason to go back to basics. But, hey, at least the option is available!
  • Did you know? Apparently no one has a complete WDIDTDTML!?2 Almanac of Monsters (and Heroes) online. But there is a “Holy Badman” wiki, so one could suppose that progress is being made.
  • Would I play again: If this were more accessible, totally. As it is, I don’t get out the PSP that often, so it’s kind of a bother. But I do enjoy digging out tunnels for our favorite Badman, so I would like to get back into it sometime.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Captain America and The Avengers for SNES! The Avengers, eh? I think I’ve heard of those guys! Please look forward to it!

It's a crane game

FGC #580 Mega Man Powered Up

There was a meme circulating recently that asked a simple question: if you were able to “takeover” any company/production studio/IP with impunity, what franchise would you helm and/or revive? Obviously, my mind races at even the suggestion of such a scenario. Is it finally time for Gitaroo-Man to take the stage again? Or can I decisively make that “Metroid 5” title that sees Samus somersaulting through a 2-D, futuristic/abandoned city (well, it’s not technically abandoned, there is a lot of sand around)? Or would I zero in on one of my most beloved/expansive franchises? Trade Mighty No. 9 for that all-important Mega Man Legends 3? Continue the X franchise into the real 202X? Or would I turn my gaze elsewhere? Would I settle for a sequel to an all-but-forgotten PSP game?

Would I demand Mega Man Powered Up 2?

Let’s talk about Mega Man Powered Up (1). Actually, wait, let’s talk about Mega Man (1). Mega Man has been discussed on this blog before, and we came to an unfortunate conclusion: it is not very good. It is not bad! It is just not very good, and, considering there are five other Mega Man titles on the Nintendo Entertainment System (and at least two Gameboy games!), there really is not a reason to play Mega Man (1) beyond morbid curiosity. Sure, Mega Man is where it all started, but it is by no means an essential entry in the franchise that would shortly thereafter allow a player to whack a sentient fan with all the strength of a dog punch. And perhaps it was this unfortunate fact that prompted Keiji Inafune, Mega Man’s adopted father, to produce Mega Man Powered Up, a game with the basic premise of Mega Man (1), but more than a few significant changes.

Swing itFirst of all, as one would expect, the original Mega Man graphics of 1987 were updated to something that would be a bit more appropriate for nearly twenty years later. This was a carefully measured graphical upgrade, too, as the target system for Mega Man Powered Up was the PSP, a very particular handheld with its own widescreen dimensions. Mega Man was made for a big fat TV that could host a fighting robot just as easily as Star Trek: The Next Generation, but Mega Man Powered Up had to fit a world that was much more rectangular. Given this shift to a different aspect ratio, Mega Man’s levels had to be reformatted into something less vertical, and generally more horizontal. And, hey, the fact that nobody had to fight the memory constraints of an early NES cartridge probably changed a few things, too. And speaking of constraints, every Mega Man game after Mega Man 1 featured eight robot masters, while Rock’s first adventure only included six opponents. How about another two for the road? Include some dubious voice acting and a little extra personality for every ‘bot, and then you’ve got a proper Mega Man that matches the style of the contemporary Mega Man titles of the era. Mega Man is all dressed up and ready for modern times.

Except Mega Man Powered Up was a snip ahead of its time.

Let’s talk about the PSP for a moment. The PSP was Sony’s first prominent videogame handheld, and the intended rival to the Nintendo DS. And while the UMDs of the PSP could boast more intensive experiences than anything on the DScitation needed, one thing the system lacked was a touch screen. This would be rectified with the PSP’s successor, but the feature that would launch a thousand mobile games was wholly absent from the Playstation Portable. And, lest we forget our history lessons, the PSP was also riding high right on the cusp of wireless internet functionality being standard. All PSP systems had online capabilities, but, if you were off a college campus, the average PSP user didn’t have easy access to that functionality until late in the system’s go-based life. This led to a few curious scenarios wherein game designers practically begged their audience to go hook up to a McDonald’s hotspot, and maybe the prompted players could get a little bonus The good doctorfor actually connecting to the wi-fi. An easy and relevant example: Mega Man Powered Up would offer a playable Roll only through a PSP system-based download, and you could connect again later to get some seasonal costumes. The message was clear: kids, please go online, and we’ll give you free stuff. Just go online, players, you’ll like it, we swear.

These two failings of the PSP are relevant because Mega Man Powered Up could have really used a touch screen and an audience with extensive online support. Why? Because Mega Man Powered Up featured a pretty robust level editor. And who wouldn’t want that?! Make your own Mega Man stages! I’ve been doing that with graph paper and my grandparent’s colored pens since I was seven! The only issue was that, without a touchscreen, the controls were cumbersome, and without a reliable internet connection, there was no way to share and trade with others. The functionality was technically there, but the community decidedly was not. So Mega Man Powered Up: Make Your Own Levels was little more than a five minute novelty, and not the Mario Maker it could be today with a potential Mega Man Powered Up 2.

But if we’re being honest (and what is a videogame blog without honesty?), the whole “Mega Man Maker” of a potential Mega Man Powered Up 2 would be completely perfunctory next to the real reason this humble blogger wants to see Mega Man Powered Up 2: MMPU let you play the whole game (and multiple challenge levels) as all the Mega Man Robot Masters.

Freeze!And it is hard to overstate how this is simultaneously the best and worst idea for revitalizing Mega Man (1). On one hand, who doesn’t want to play as the bad guys? It was fun to grab Cut Man’s rolling cutter, but why not have the man with the head-blade himself? And who wouldn’t want to run around blasting away with atomic fire that also inexplicably works as headgear? But, unfortunately, the original Robot Masters have more problems than dangerously themed hats. The original Mega Man bosses were extremely limited in their movesets, and Mega Man won everything upon stealing their master weapon. Elec Man has an amazing Elec Beam, but take it away, and he is no different than Mega Man. Run, jump, unique weapon, the end. And some of those weapons/robot masters don’t even work. Guts Man is an iconic opponent, but his Super Arm is situational at best, and outright, irredeemably useless at worst. Even granting Guts Man the ability to summon new blocks only upgrades him from “ineffectual” to “at least he’s not worse than anyone else”. Playing as the bosses of Mega Man is pretty great, but, for the purpose of unique, interesting gameplay challenges, this is the worst crop in the franchise.

But the potential cast of Mega Man Powered Up 2? Now there are some luminaries. Air Man can blow out multiple tornados, and potentially use his winds for platforming hijinks. Flash Man can stop time and spread his pellets around. Quick Man would be an amazing mix of agile mobility and a hypothetically inefficient offense. The invincible dash of Heat Man. The leaf rain of Wood Man. The mettle of Metal Man (he lives every second knowing that one day that Metal Blade will toll for him). Mega Man 2 has one of the most amazing lineups for any Mega Man title (the whole thing would be perfect if Crash Man would just curl up and explode), and the promise of Mega Man Powered Up 2 allowing these Wily Bots to rampage along would be more than enough to guarantee a hit. Hell, you don’t even have to make ‘em good guys! Go the Mega Man & Bass route, and have any given character rebel for no reason! I would give my left pinky for a Bubble Man that is boiling over and taking no prisoners!

Clean up the placeAnd, yes, that is my immediate thought for what game I would petition for a “new” version. I like to imagine I would come up with some game that is innovative, original, and unique in the gaming sphere, but I know what I want. It’s Mega Man. It’s more Mega Man, based on the combination of two really good Mega Man games. Mega Man 2 and Mega Man Powered Up? Mega Man Powered Up 2, please.

And then when we get to Mega Man Powered Up 3…

FGC #580 Mega Man Powered Up

  • System: Playstation Portable, and only PSP. You’re not even allowed to play this bad boy on the Vita. Probably something to do with the online functionality.
  • Number of players: You could share your levels with the whole world, but you’re probably just going to be playing alone.
  • Is the Yellow Devil still terrible? Absolutely. Worst part of the challenges, worst part of the game, worst part of the franchise. It is appropriately named.
  • Favorite Robot Master: Apparently my original choice for Mega Man 1 was Ice Man, but I want to give Time Man a nod on this go round. He can slow down time! But not stop it! We had to save that for Flash Man, apparently, and it’s that kind of continuity that always makes me happy. Also, Fire Man ranks as low as possible on this list for being just south of straight up revisiting Flame Hyenard. What is with Fire Masters with voice acting?
  • Favorite Robot Master (To Actually Play As): Now here is where Ice Man wins. I love ice beam-ing through levels, and it is rather fun seeing just how much of any given stage can be transformed into one continuous series of ice platforms. That said, though, unfreezable bosses are a lot more difficult with that plinky little blaster.
  • Vaguely offensiveHe is not Slick: Oil Man is the other new Robot Master, and he is… a tar baby. Like, straight up, that is exactly what they were going for with the lips and coloration. And that makes sense! Tar, oil, it’s all connected! That said, just because something makes a kind of rational sense doesn’t mean it isn’t hurtful and racist, so someone down the lane should have noted that this was a terrible idea. And the fact that he has a… let’s say “colloquial” accent that involves other Robot Masters calling him a “thug” absolutely does not mean the localization helped. Love that oil slide move! Everything else deserves a rewrite.
  • Goggle Bob Fact: If you were wondering why I have such an exact memory of the state of internet connections at Mega Man Powered Up’s release, it’s because I had to “overwrite” my MMPU save with Gamefaqs-provided data in order to “download” Roll. What was I supposed to do? Purchase a wireless router? I was a poor college student, dammit, and the campus wi-fi isn’t quite there yet!
  • Did you know? Keiji Inafune claimed that the “chibi” style of Mega Man Powered Up was always intended from Mega Man’s inception, but was impossible with NES technology. So we can conclude that, much like George Lucas, Keiji Inafune is a confirmed liar.
  • Would I play again: Probably… but only if the PSP miraculously becomes a lot easier to pick up an’ play. I appreciate that my ol’ portable still has a working battery, but it is a whale of a lot easier to play Mega Man 2 on any given videogame system (and certain toaster models).

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… NieR Replicant ver.1.22474487139… . Hey! That looks like math! I was told there would be no math! Bah! Regardless, please look forward to it.

Guess he got blocked
This is the only blocking in a fight I support.

FGC #571 Shock Troopers

This is shockingShock Troopers is an Arcade/Neo Geo title from 1997. It is, in essence, an upgrade to SNK’s Ikari Warriors, a franchise that had debuted a little over a decade earlier. It is a top-down run ‘n gun with an emphasis on dodging, exploding, and occasionally going toe-to-toe with a tank. It may not be the most memorable game in the SNK pantheon (or even the most memorable Neo Geo game that involved shooting your way through an entire war, as that was somehow a very well-worn genre on the system), but it is certainly a fun experience for anyone that has ever enjoyed the likes of Contra or very particular parts of Bionic Commando.

And, ultimately, somebody must have liked Shock Troopers, because it warranted a sequel being released the following year: Shock Troopers: 2nd Squad. Mind you, it is entirely possible that Shock Troopers 2 was intended as an utterly different franchise, and merely wound up with Shock Troopers branding for expediency. ST:2S is a top-down shooter, but it drops the “basic” powerup-based offense of ST1 for a weapon leveling system that is closer to Blaster Master than Contra. It also places more of an emphasis on controlling vehicles, drops the signature multiple paths available in the original, and, while the graphics are certainly an upgrade, feels like a simpler, “step back” for what could have become an established franchise. Also, in what is perhaps the most damning omission of all, the game has dropped “team” mode, and now only features four playable characters, a far cry from ST1’s cast of eight. Granted, Shock Troopers 2 relies on the fact that it stars the titular “2nd Squad”, so it is no surprise there is no cast overlap. However, should Shock Troopers 2nd Squad be forgiven for the fact that the cast went from…

Always select Big Mama

… to…

Never select the punk

Notice anything, ya know, different about that 2nd squad? Is it, perhaps, a complete lack of melanin?

Let’s do the math on this one: There are 8 playable characters in Shock Troopers. It is difficult to say for certain with old graphics and generally anime-inspired art, but it can be honestly stated that there are at least four characters that could be described as “tanned” or darker. There are also three blonde characters, and one dark-haired fellow who has the same skin-tone as the blonde characters. So it can be confidently stated that there are four white people in the cast, and four people of color. Shock Troopers 2nd Squad cuts the cast in half, and now there are four white people, and zero people of color. Again, these are two totally different casts, but its clear that when the franchise wanted to boil down the cast to a lesser number, the people of color got cut, and the white remained.

I do not need to explain how this is fucked up.

However, I feel I do need to elaborate on how this is the exact level of fucked up that still continues to this day. Yes, it is easy to chastise a game from nearly 25 years ago for not adhering to the societal norms of today. Yes, we were all dimly aware of racism back at the tail end of the 90’s, and this was well before the enlightened children of the future all happened to simultaneously notice that Nintendo’s entire Smash Bros. roster has more white people named “dark” than actual people with dark skin. But this was the start of “tokenism”, right? A time we widely acknowledge where there might be “a black guy” or two in the cast, but they were only there because the designers “had to” hit some arbitrary percentage goal. A cast of color in the original Shock Troopers should not be lauded for existing or lamented when it was dropped for the sequel, because these characters were little more than the typical “minority hires” of the day. White characters with dark skin, and nothing more.

But Big Mama has something to say about that.

Here comes Big Mama

Now, to be clear, Big Mama is hella problematic. Big Mama is, right down to her name, a deeply racist and offensive stereotype. In a game where there is very little definition for the individual characters (“Marie Bee likes cats” is all you’ll get out of one of Shock Trooper’s other leading ladies), Big Mama does get the characterization of her name (this ain’t Big Papa), and her one ending image, which shows Big Mama being a mama to some random kid.

You win, Mama

Maybe her kid? Maybe a white person’s kid? We are not ruling out that possibility, because Big Mama seems to be in the same category as noted pancake accompaniment, Aunt Jemima. If you are unfamiliar with the mammy/mammie stereotype, it is remarkably straightforward: it is meant to represent the enslaved women of color that were forced to raise the children of their white slavers. Like a nanny, but completely owned by another human being. It is a generally affectionately referenced stereotype (again, check your breakfast table), but it is still a venomous, hurtful reminder that it was once perfectly okay for a black woman to be forced into a role against her will (and, yes, your syrup has made moves away from this for this very reason). Big Mama, complete with one victory animation that borders on offensive, is a textbook mammy stereotype.

WINNERBut, that said, Big Mama is also capable. She is strong. She is one of the few Shock Troopers that does not use an “extra” weapon, like a knife or (inexplicable) boomerang, as she can successfully pummel a foe in close quarters. She comes equipped with her own bazooka, though, for when the going gets rough, and her official art shows her equipped with a Rambo-esque bullet belt’s worth of firepower. And this all ties into something very important: Big Mama is jacked. Big Mama appears to be 110% muscle, and there is no videogame universe where that is not seen as a tremendous asset (okay, maybe not in Pokémon). Big Mama is the rare female playable character in a videogame that is not wafer-thin, and she has got the big guns to put her in Zangief’s piledriving class (which he teaches on Monday nights at the Y). Big Mama is wholly unique not just in Shock Troopers (where there are two other standard issue skinny white women available), but also across gaming, because here are all the other large, muscular black women I can recall playing as across other videogames…

On rare occasions, we get a Sheva (Resident Evil), Elena, or even MK’s Jade, but there is no way any of those women could reasonably take a punch from Goro. Big Mama, though? She could tear Goro’s arms off just as easily as Jax. Big Mama has a unique race, gender, and body type for gaming. And, give or take one of Chrono Cross’s cast of thousands, it’s difficult to immediately recall a single playable character that even comes close to fitting those same parameters. Big Mama is a singular woman in her entire medium.

She is the winner!And she got dropped for the sequel and any of the myriad of other SNK/Neo Geo crossover materials across the last two decades. Shock Troopers introduced a character that could embody a severely underrepresented chunk of the population, but dropped her at the earliest opportunity. Two decades of busty blondes later, and we have yet to see another Big Mama.

And that’s fucked up.

FGC #571 Shock Troopers

  • System: Neo Geo / Arcade initially, and then (like most Neo Geo games) it resurfaced in one way or another for the PS2, PS3, PS4, PSP, Xbox One, Wii, and Nintendo Switch. It looks like it skipped the WiiU, but, then again, so did Nintendo (HEY-O!).
  • Number of players: Looks like two, but you have a choice of eight characters. That is because…
  • Make the dream work: The player has a choice between playing as one hero (“lonly” mode, thanks SNK translation team), or a team of three. I literally cannot fathom why someone would play as anything other than a team. You get three life bars, so you can switch when one is running low (and wait until you see a health powerup)! You get three different offensive/agility options, as every character plays distinctly! You have an excuse to use the chubby white dude and his clearly circumstance-based poison bombs! Why would you ever limit yourself to one character per credit?
  • Favorite Character: Oh, maybe because you want to show Big Mama solidarity. I understand wanting to showcase Big Mama.
  • Say something nice about character design in Shock Troopers 2nd Squad: I mean, it’s nice that both of the women in Shock Troopers 2 aren’t the typical blonde bombshells you see in gaming, and Lulu is fairly androgynous (which is a welcome alternative to “boob delivery creature). Also, Toy is a punk with a laser, which ain’t bad.
  • EAT BUILDING!Favorite Boss: Oh yeah, the boss designs definitely improved between sequels. In the first Shock Troopers, you mostly just fight fantastic military weaponry, like a helicopter or battle tank (“battle tank” is defined as any tank that has more spikes than your usual tank). In Shock Troopers 2, you fight significantly more varied opponents, including an entire office building that changes into a missile/laser fortress. It is basically a Transformer, and I am here for that.
  • Pick Your Poison: Shock Troopers offers three different routes to the final level, complete with an opportunity to switch paths about halfway through. That adds a fun reason to replay the game! That said, Jungle is terribly boring, while Valley lets you blow up a submarine. And Mountain lets you climb a cliffside by hand, and then use a zipline. So why would you take any route other than Mountain?
  • What’s in a name? The terrorists of ST1 are known as the Bloody Scorpions. The sequel features DIO, led by a man named Nakatomi. This implies that the initial Bloody Scorpions are not around anymore because they found a good day to die hard.
  • Did you know? If you leave the banana life up sitting on the ground too long, a monkey will dash over, and steal your bananas. How cheeky!
  • WeeeeeeWould I play again: Shock Troopers is a fun little run ‘n gun with multiple routes and characters that wholly encourage additional playthroughs. I will probably do that! … If I remember this game exists, and there aren’t any Contra games I want to play at that immediate moment.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Night Trap! The game that almost broke all of gaming! Woo boy! Please look forward to it!