Samus is baaaaaackIt seems hard to believe, but, after years of Metroid 2 being the black sheep of the Metroid family (or at least its most ignored entry), we now have three different perfectly valid Metroid 2 experiences readily available. The original Metroid 2 is right there on the 3DS Gameboy Virtual Console, AM2R is an amazing fan remake available in the secret corners of the internet, and now we have the official Nintendo reimagining, complete with amiibos and an honest-to-God advertising campaign (admit it: it’s hard to remember if Federation Force actually happened). Metroid 2 is king of the Metroid Hill, and it’s great to see there’s a Metroid Hill in the Nintendo Kingdom at all.

Of course, it’s not so great that Metroid: Samus Returns is the Metroid 2 I’m least likely to ever play again.

That sounds a might pessimistic, so let’s first cover the good stuff. First and foremost, somebody at Nintendo learned from the Metroid: Other M debacle, and Samus Aran is now delightfully mute. Granted, there’s something unnerving about the fact that the only way Nintendo seems to be able to maintain their bad ass bounty hunter’s bad ass status is through keeping her from opening her mouth for an entire adventure… but still! Samus is cool, calm, and collected, and, at no point does she worry about “the baby” or space dragons that may or may not have eaten her parents. That’s what we like to see! And, while she doesn’t talk, she does take a few moments to have “cool” moments in cutscenes (like casually blasting a defeated foe post battle), so what little personality that seeps through is Adam-free and Aran-appropriate. Oh, and this game has the Screw Attack! That’s a great little item. Love that thing.


And now for the bad parts.

I think it all boils down to one thing: this video game is too video game-y.

OMEGA!Yes, this is an odd complaint, but it’s valid for this interpretation of SR388. Metroid 2 was a game about a made-up heroine fighting random space monsters until there were no space monsters left. It’s a videogame, and it’s not like someone put serious thought into the ecology of the planet that houses frightening space bugs living among infinitely spawning flying worms. But… that seems reductive. Despite the small screen, despite the complete lack of color, and despite the music that was clearly composed by randomly spitting on a Casio from a distance of at least eleven feet, there is a lot of care and consideration in the original Metroid 2. The “Metroid life cycle” is ridiculous (jellyfish -> bug -> bug with tusks -> fat dragon -> tyrannosaurus), but it seems… possible. Metroids are a weird and wondrous species, and, sure, some of them can breathe fire, but it does make a certain amount of sense that they wouldn’t be amoeba-looking “larvas” for their entire life cycle. Butterflies don’t look that much like caterpillars, after all. Similarly, the other creatures of SR388 seem like actual fauna that might have to live side by side with space vampires. Metroids are given a wide berth, and, aside from the occasional errant robot, if it moves on SR388, it’s staying clear of those apex predators. In fact, this is epitomized during the final area of Metroid 2. The Queen Metroid’s lair is completely devoid of non-metroid life, and this leads to entire screens of Samus exploring empty corridors.

Unfortunately, the staff of Metroid: Samus Returns likely found those vacant hallways boring, because that kind of environmental storytelling is absent from this iteration of the Queen’s Lair. Now that area is choked with rampaging robots, angry bats, kamikaze bugs, and murderous hedgehogs. This is just like the area before, which is crowded with rampaging robots, angry bats, kamikaze bugs, and murderous hedgehogs. And the caverns before that also include rampaging robots, angry…. You get the idea. Yes, as you progress in the game, you gain new and exciting ways to battle these monsters, and the different areas generally have different layouts and configurations so it doesn’t all become rote after Area 3, but… It gets exhausting. Samus’s armor has been reduced to Fusion levels of softness, and, at all times, you have to be on guard, else you’ll lose an entire energy tank to an errant angry bat. So you’re always defending yourself, always in rooms filled with rapidly respawning opponents, and always… drained. There is no rest for Samus, because this is a videogame, and if you’re not doing videogame things at all times, what’s the point?

Hey little duderAnd if you think this is an exaggeration, consider that the larval metroids appear in this adventure just as they did in Metroid 2, Super Metroid, and almost every other metroid game. The difference here, though, is that when you clear a room of metroids, and return to what should now be an empty room, there are now all new monsters skulking about for your endless fighting pleasure. Yes, this game can’t even let Samus rest for three hallways.

This need for a constant stream of encroaching encounters is obviously to showcase the new combat features of this Metroid adventure, but… they’re not that great, either. Don’t get me wrong, the new multi-directional aiming is a godsend, and the whole “melee counter” system is fun and exciting when you smack that X button right in time, but it’s more… videogame problems. The average metroid boss battle (which happens somewhere around forty times over the course of the game) involves a lot of hopeful chucking of missiles at a weak point that may or may not be guarded by random electrical discharges at the moment. But you can counter at just the right time, and blast off half a metroid’s health in one quick quasi-QTE. Obviously, the fastest way to clear SR388 of its indigenous life forms is to exploit these counter moves. But it quickly becomes clear that if you miss an early pass at your counter opportunity, it’s often faster to just suicide poor Samus (only takes like three hits anyway…), restart the battle, and save yourself ten minutes of clumsy missile aiming in favor of thirty seconds of mastering the counter timing. This is generally just convenient with the alpha metroids, but it’s practically essential by the time you get to the “invincible for 90% of the match” gamma metroids. And, given the vast time difference between countering vs. not countering, victory over I call him Hoagieany given boss feels less like “mastering” the encounter, and more like “Oh, I finally hit X when I needed to.” It’s not about skill, it’s about following the pattern like an obedient puppy. And the last thing Samus Aran should be is obedient.

And for further evidence, please find me someone that enjoyed that Digby the Drillanaut boss fight. That was the most “this is a pattern, follow it” boss I’ve seen since the NES days.

Now, I want to make something clear: none of this makes Metroid: Samus Returns a bad game. I enjoyed my time with the game, and my hand may have cramped into a Kid Icarus claw from playing the game nigh-continuously since its release. I did not rest until the last Metroid was in captivity, and the game was good enough to hold my interest through repeated demoralizing game overs. But am I going to rush back and play it again? No. Going to fish out every last item because they stuck friggen plasma beam doors randomly in the first area? Nope. Hard mode? Absolutely not. Even the old standard of “it’s a Metroid game, now do it faster” doesn’t seem at all appealing. Sure, I could do this quicker, but it would be because I’d be able to best the various bosses faster… assuming my counter timing skills stay consistent. If not, I’ll be spending another hour taking down four damn omega metroids, and I really don’t want to do that ever again. Heck, I’m not even sure I want to see another one of those stupid snail monsters again. How can the most elite bounty hunter in the universe be thwarted by a mollusk!?

Grab 'emSo here’s the state of 2017: we have Metroid 2, which is the deeply flawed story of a bounty hunter eliminating space monsters on their home planet. We have AM2R, which is a remix of that story with modern design conventions and a loving attention to detail. And we have Metroid: Samus Returns, which is a videogame.

… I’m pretty sure I have other videogames to play.

FGC #328 Metroid: Samus Returns

NOTE: Spoilers may appear in this area.

  • System: Nintendo 3DS. With the exception of an upcoming Pokémon game, this may be the system’s swan song. Not a bad way to go out.
  • Number of players: They should make a Metroid game that is multiplayer! And maybe it could involve bounty hunters playing soccer! But, in the meanwhile, this is one player.
  • Here we goJust play the gig, man: I like the musical improvements, but the Norfair theme in every fire room is absolutely wrong in every way. Like a lot of the game, it’s not that it’s bad per se, it’s just like… You have a favorite song? And, no matter what, you’re happy to hear said favorite song? And then one time you go out to a karaoke bar, and your ex lover is drunk and singing the song at maximum volume while looking right at you and giving you the finger? It’s like that.
  • I am a liar: I wrote this article on Saturday, proofed it early Sunday… and then decided to play some more Metroid. I thought I should confirm that all the “early” locked doors were just hiding Super Missile Upgrades and not anything actually interesting (spoilers: hypothesis confirmed), but, while doing that, I wound up 100%’ing the game. The good news is that I vastly enjoy exploring SR388 when I have doom-bringer level upgrades and no reason to fight a boss every three rooms, but… does that make the game better? That I really enjoy this game when it’s not doing the one thing it made super-important for 80% of the experience? Questions for the ages.
  • Other questions worth asking: Why does every creature on this planet hate Samus? Back on Zebes, where you potentially could claim Mother Brain was telepathically controlling the planet, even zoomers and alike seemingly couldn’t care less about Samus. But this SR388 involves literally every living thing in these caves trying to kill a bounty hunter that is twice their size and equipped with a super laser weapon. There are even a few plants that barf death flies! What is wrong with this place!?
  • Favorite metroid form: It’s still zeta metroid, but for totally different reasons. The “grappling tug” event during that battle means there are two different ways to exploit your metroidian opponent. This is twice as many opportunities than seen in other metroid fights, and I’m glad for anything that makes these battles go faster.
  • Amiibo Corner: Without exaggeration, squishy metroid amiibo is the best amiibo in my collection. I choose to believe this is “the baby”, and not just some random glass case escapee. Huh. I guess this confirms that one unnamed metroid is the most frequent reoccurring Samus ally in the series. Sorry, that one guy from Other M whom I forgot.
  • He’s too big: Ridley reappears!


    On one hand, I was dreading an inevitable Ridley battle in this game engine, as a Ridley fight should not be all dodging and waiting for glowing weak points, it should just be about firing as many missiles and laser beams as chozoly possible. And that’s exactly what the fight is! Yay! On the other hand, it’s three parts, and the first two are boring as hell, and must be repeated after every loss, so nuts to that. It’s another part of the game that is fun once, but I don’t want to repeat.

  • Did you know? The “chase sequence” with Digby leads to an instant death if you get pegged with his digging bits… except if you have an amiibo-provided reserve tank. Then, the “instant death” drill instantly drains your health, the reserve tank refills 200 energy, and… then you die immediately. Again.
  • Would I play again: This was a fun game! I’m glad Metroid is back, and care clearly went into the production of this title. But there are too many battles I simply don’t want to revisit, so it’ll be a good long time before I try such a thing again. Sorry, Samus, but try returning again later.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Dragon Ball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 3 for the Playstation 2! From space jellyfish to space monkeys! Please look forward to it!

Lil' duder
See? Just like a big lightning bug.

2 thoughts on “FGC #328 Metroid: Samus Returns”
  1. Metroid II may have been composed by randomly spitting on a Casio, but I really liked how the old game had a lot of areas where the music was replaced by nothing but weird ambient noises. Really sold the whole “diving into a hostile alien world thing.

    Arguably also selling it was the old pea green Game Boy screen, if you view the handheld as a hi-tech window into Samus’s activities on the alien world instead of just a thing you’re playing a game on.

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