I’m in a rotten mood, so today I am going to… Let’s see here…
I am going to yell at Rew. Who is Rew? Is he some mystery man that floated through the SEGA offices? Is he an angry ghost that haunts 16-bit cartridges? Is he Tomohiro Yamamoto? Who knows! But we do know Rew is credited as a character designer on Golden Axe II, so we are going to look at the characters of this 1991 beat ‘em up and play our own rude ‘em up.
Alright, let’s get the old cast out of the way first. That’s Ax Battler. He is Conan the Barbarian and no second thing. I guess he can use magic? Conan was not into that foul sorcery. Other than that, his most unique feature is that he wields a sword, but is named Ax Battler. And that’s fine! He consistently battles a guy with an axe, and he does not strike anyone as the kind of dude that can spell, so Ax Battler it is. No points for originality, but at least you’ll remember his name as a legend of Golden Axe.
And Tyris Flare is clearly just Red Sonja. She’s even friggin’ red! Did someone at Sega think that no one had ever read the 10,000 volumes of Conan and Red Sonja fiction that existed as of 1990? Did nobody care after Nintendo won the rights to giant gorillas? Bah! At least Tyris Flare has a last name that denotes her fiery magical aptitude. Would hate to see someone in the Flare family summon a water lizard.
Okay, now we’re talking. We all know Gilus Thunderhead is a repurposed Lord of the Rings character. But! Gauntlet, Dungeons & Dragons, and other high fantasy games already established the ideal party: warrior (boy), warrior (girl), wizard, and ranger/thief (or just “skilled guy”). We were never going to get a friendly wizard in the world of Golden Axe II (everybody can already use magic, losers), so tossing in some speedy dude with a dagger would have made perfect sense. But no! We got a dwarf with an axe! Because someone correctly identified the genre (beat ‘em up!), and realized an angry dwarf was the only way to go for our third man. And extra special bonus: Gilus can ram right into his opponents with his silly, pointed hat! We got some Viking crossover here, and it is glorious! And gorious! Golden Axe II and Final Fantasy 3 have this whole thing figured out.
Our first enemies are random barbarians that wield clubs and claws. Kudos for the claws, but those exposed thighs do not impress me much. Moving on.
I want to appreciate this. I want to love and cherish all skeletons. But here? A skeleton with a shield and a sickle is nothing. That is Jason and the Argonauts in its most basic form, and that was thirty years out of date by the time Golden Axe II swung into the picture. A little environmental storytelling implying these skeletons are equipped with farm implements because they are revived villagers would go a long way! But these skeletons are just your typical undead army (they are even directly summoned by the final boss), so there is literally nothing distinctive about these bones. At least Stalfos get a goofy name.
Wow! The Lizard People have a weapon and a shield!? Where have I seen that before? No no, it must be new and original. Golden Axe II would never reuse the exact same concept between monster species. At least the lizards have an additional tail attack to separate them from the Hyrulian Geru.
Filthy, filthy wizards. Golden Axe II did make one major improvement over Golden Axe: during campfire scenes, you are not beset by wily gnomes stealing your magic jugs, but wizards. Kicking around a wizard is jolly good fun, and does not raise disastrous questions about gnome abuse. Unfortunately, while we all appreciate a good wizard-pounding, the design on these wizards is once again trite. Robe, staff, and shadowed face so only the eyes are visible? Bad news, Golden Axe II, Final Fantasy called, and they want their everything back.
There are mounts! You can ride two different types of miniature dragon! That’s pretty alright! The only downside to this one is that the Golden Axe II universe seems to be lousy with incidental dragons, but you do not ever encounter a significant dragon. Dragon’s Pass appears to be a giant, fossilized dragon, and Tyr can rain fiery dragon death on her opponents, but the closest you ever get to an active dragon in the proceedings is a little kangaroo reptile that somehow acquired a saddle. Boo! Boo this mock dragon!
Chicken Leg? Somebody stole this from the Altered Beast guys. No trophies for theft, Golden Axe II.
So what’s the deal here? This critter is often seen as the boss of areas with a healthy skeleton population, so this is likely intended to be some manner of undead hulk. The sword is presumed to be glowing with magic, and that head-based shield just screams that something sorcerous is going on. But what actually is it? Calling it simply “death armor” reduces this fella to a mindless hunk of clothing, which is inappropriate for a boss with rudimentary AI. Dullahan always has a spare head nearby, and that shield design does not in any way count. So is this a headless horseman? But without a horse? Because there is not a single horse in this entire game? Is a horseless headless horseman considered crippled? Are we picking on the disabled dead? Are we the bad guys?
Golden Axe decided that Death Adder stayed dead after his defeat in Golden Axe/Golden Axe Warrior. Luckily, the game is called “Golden Axe”, so anybody could pick that hunk of gold up and swing it around. Thus, our new opponent is Dark Guld… who looks exactly like Death Adder. Dark Guld got slightly different armor to protect his pecs (abs are still out and proud), and he has a cape to accent his golden color scheme. Other than that, he is just Death Adder II. And when Death Adder finally decided to come back from the dead and get his revenge, he heisted this Dark Guld’s cape. The indignity! Ugh! The only thing left in Golden Axe II is…
I take it all back: Golden Axe II has the best character design in gaming. The boss of the first level is a colossal S&M deer wearing green panties? Forget I said anything bad. Rew, you just turned my whole day around.
FGC #710 Golden Axe II
System: Sega Genesis. This is one of those “sequel to an arcade game that only appears on consoles” dealies. Any version of it you saw in arcades was technically a console-to-arcade port.- Number of players: Two player simultaneous for saving the kingdom, and two players for The Duel mode. We’ve got two two players!
- Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: This is an awful beat ‘em up. Just awful. I have also played 30,000,000 hours of it. Awful. Here is your hot tip from a pro: if there is a pit, trick everybody into said pit. If there is not a pit, turn the game off, and go play literally anything else. Golden Axe II runs dry of new enemy configurations by, like, the second level! If it wasn’t for the dash attack, this would be agony.
- But you played it how often? This was one of my only owned Sega Genesis games, and the only one with a legitimate two player mode until I got Hyperstone Heist (which, in child time, was a lifetime). This means that Golden Axe II got played a lot when I had a friend over. I had one other friend with a Sega Genesis! Everybody else wanted to try this fancy new(ish) system! So we squeezed as much fun as possible out of Golden Axe II. Nowadays, if I saw a couple of kids playing Golden Axe II, I’d call child protective services.
- Favorite Level: Level 3 has the most pits, so that is our winner. Go solve the Riddle of Steel in Hell, random thugs, your pathfinding has killed you again.
- Say something nice: Even the attract mode introduction maintains the ruse of the penultimate level, where Dark Guld sitting on his throne is actually one of the headless armor monsters. It is the kind of thing that would never work in a tangible reality (Phony Dark Guld’s “head” is literally a 2-D painting on a throne), but it is an excellent fake out for a game otherwise devoid of guile.
Unanswered Questions: There are purple random thugs, and then purple lizard people. Is the implication that the thugs are transforming into cold-blooded monsters, or is it simply a matter of the Sega Genesis not having enough colors to go around?- Did you know? Apparently kicking enemies down stairs that are taller than your playable characters will deal no extra damage. Do these creatures not have spines?
- Would I play again: I owed it to my younger self to cover Golden Axe II for the FGC at some point. Now that that is complete, I do not need to play it ever again. If I need a beat ‘em up where some blue guy is throwing around a sword, I will simply play Final Fight 2, thank you very much.
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Qix! How many licks does it take to get to the center of Qix? Let’s find out! Please look forward to it!