Previously on Xenosaga: Hopefully the previous update provided all the answers, because now it’s time for all sorts of questions.

Xenosaga Freaks, mentioned briefly at the start of the Episode 2 portion of this LP, was a “promotional” Xenosaga game released in Japan a few months before the release of Xenosaga Episode 2. The Xenosaga Freaks disc contained some Xenosaga word puzzle games, a Xenosaga glossary of terms (which, you’ll note, is missing from XS2), a demo of Xenosaga Episode 2, and “Xenocomi”, a visual novel featuring The Brews killing time aboard the Durandal during some Episode 1 respite. For many years, this game was entirely out of the reach of American audiences, but some brave souls over at Xeno Underground not only translated much of the game, but also programmed the separate Xenocomi stories into simple executables.

Seriously, good job, Jintoki and Kare Reiko.

So, in the interest of covering absolutely everything about Xenosaga for this LP, I contacted Talking Time’s own BEAT about performing a video LP of this crazy bit of nonsense, and he was very gracious in helping me put together a stream of ludicrous twaddle with FanboyMaster and SpoonyBardOL. A recording of the stream is available here.

Since I technically stole BEAT himself for this gobbledygook, I’m also going to steal his general note format.

Notes! With Time Annotations!

4:51 – Hey, this is my first video LP, so it takes us like 5 minutes to even start. Note also that, once again, democracy fails.

9:32 – It’s always hard to tell with a fan translation (to be clear, this isn’t a swipe at fan translations, I love fan translations, just, by definition, whoever the original writer was is not involved in the translation), but it appears that KOS-MOS makes a joke comparing the “death” of a dish washer to her murder of Virgil. Fun times ahead, folks!

11:32 – This is the first appearance of the breakout character of Xenocomi: Adjustment Tab. The glory of Adjustment Tab is all we can rely on in this broken world.

25:00 – A frank discussion about Allen occurs shortly before his actual appearance in the game. Such is the power of Allen. Also: magical butts.

31:00 – And now: cats. Spoilers, the plot of this little story is that KOS-MOS has been infected with a cat virus (delivered by kitty ears), and she now thinks everyone is meowing at her. Also, there’s a magical cat that only KOS-MOS can see. Whether or not this cat grants wishes is unknown.

34:00 – We’re about a half hour in, and KOS-MOS finally leaves her room. Break out the champagne.

36:00 – Ziggy doesn’t want to be involved in this garbage any more than we do.

38:00 – The canonocity of Xenocomi is discussed, and, yes, since KOS-MOS acquires cat abilities in time for XS2, this silly story is canon. KOS-MOS did nearly kill everyone in pursuit of an imaginary cat. Also, Masato Kato is discussed. Looking at the data now, it appears that Kato did not work on Xenosaga in any capacity, but he was likely responsible for anyone with cat problems in Xenogears and Chrono Cross. As far as I can tell, his alibi is that he was working on the lesser Mana titles at this time.

43:00 – Here’s about where Allen is nearly murdered, because, ya know, machine gun hands.

50:15 – The secret origins of this aspect of the LP: I just did not feel like screen capturing a shitty anime visual novel. Hasn’t Xenosaga taken enough time from my life? Also, I guess chaos can speak cat.

54:00 – BEAT explains his hatred of shitty anime visual novels while KOS-MOS destroys everything in her path. This seems appropriate.

58:16 – chaos is his usual completely unhelpful XS1 self, and a few bars from Sonic Adventure slip into the narrative. This should not be allowed.

1:00:00 – This… also should not be allowed.

1:02:00 – Captain Matthews does not have his proper headwear for this game, which is an affront to U-DO. We also discuss Adventurers, an old webcomic that I want to say led me to “Toastyfrog” in the first place. Hey, looks like the Adventurers archives are still available.


1:10:14 – It looks like KOS-MOS’s story doesn’t offer any details, but here’s the deal: Professor and Assistant Scott kidnapped Allen to stick the kitty virus on KOS-MOS, and, while KOS-MOS is wrecking up the place, Professor wants to check out the Zohar Emulators aboard the Durandal. That is, technically, the “main” plot of this story, but, as you can see, it’s barely touched in favor of whacky hijinks.

1:14:41 – And then MOMO wallops KOS-MOS with a frying pan. This was, oddly enough, foreshadowed.

1:16:47 – Xenocomi has the audacity to present a quiz at the end of the story. You can’t just become a game now, you stupid visual novel! As mentioned, the original Xenosaga Freaks came with a complete glossary of Xenosaga, so presumably the idea was that you’d memorize all that useless trivia, and then you’d pass this quiz at the end of a visual novel that dared you to maintain consciousness. I actually did find a FAQ while BEAT was talking… but apparently it didn’t apply to this specific translation/version, and I had to rely on my own Xenosaga knowledge. Oddly, at this point, I think I do know a bit of XS trivia.

1:21:20 – Here are the credits.

1:22:00 – And then we have a brief discussion of what the hell just happened. It is not in any way illuminating.

And that’s about it. We only played 1/7 of the game, as every other main character has their own path, and then there’s an Allen route, too. I, unfortunately, do not have the kind of stamina to play this “game” to completion, so you’ll just have to content yourselves with the KOS-MOS route.

And I want to, again, thank BEAT, FanboyMaster, and SpoonyBardOL for joining me in this nonsense. And special thanks, again, to BEAT, who urged me to actually get this stream going after I first floated the idea six months ago.

Oh, and final verdict on the Xenosaga visual novel of Xenosaga Freaks? Well, I had to use a thesaurus for the word “garbage” over and over again in writing this little outline, so that should tell you everything you need to know.

Next time on Xenosaga: Gimme that old time religion.

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