Tag Archives: poetry

FGC #137 Bionic Commando

Something a little different for this one…

Click right about here to see into the mind of one of the NES’s greatest heroes.

FGC #137 Bionic Commando

  • System: Nintendo Entertainment System, and kinda sorta Gameboy, depending on how much you consider that version to be its own, independent thing.
  • Number of players: There can be only one Bionic Commando.
  • Favorite Weapon: There is the bazooka, and there is everything else. Three-Way Blaster doesn’t even rank.
  • Swing is the thingChildhood Memories: I hated this game as a kid. I’ve come to appreciate it as an adult, but the complete lack of a jump button made a young Goggle Bob so upset I can’t even describe it. Like, Rad, can’t you just step over that barrel? It’s not that hard!
  • Though I still hate…: Having to juggle the proper radio devices lest you be locked out of a boss room is kind of terrible. How am I supposed to remember which otherwise useless item works in which particular area? And what maniac numbered these levels, anyway?
  • Did you know? I feel like a lot of people already know this, but the original “Top Secret” Japanese version of Bionic Commando was just loaded with swastikas. They were all over the place! I’ve always found it funny how other mediums have no problem with Nazi bad guys, but video games, oh no, now we’ve gotta throw random eagles into the mix.
  • Would I play again: Hell yeah.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Capcom vs. SNK for the Sega Dreamcast! Didn’t we already review that game?… Oh? This is the other side of that? So it’s a good game? Awesome. Please look forward to it!

Christmas Comes to Pacland

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Pacland
Only one family was stirring, that of Pac-Man.
Mister, Miss, and Baby were out in the snow
Trying to give this capering thing a go.

The happy family

The ghosts appeared to ruin everyone’s fun
To see that the Pac-Family would be forever done.
But they were swiftly banished with a power pellet
And during their escape, upset a man in red velvet.

Santa fell to Pacland with a tremendous clatter.
The Pac-family rushed to see what was the matter.
“Stay away from that man,” warned Missus Pac,
“You never know when strange creatures will attack!”

You don't know where it's been!

The moon was high in the sky, but Santa was not.
The ghosts didn’t know the horror they had wrought.
With good St. Nick buried and crashed,
Hopes for a jolly Christmas were dashed.

The Pac folk were scared, but still resolute.
They had to help the strange man in the red suit.
So they dragged the gang out of this quagmire,
And stuck them all in front of the fire.

Now Dasher, now, Dancer, now, Prancer and Vixen,
Oh, Comet, oh, Cupid, oh Donner and Blitzen!
They all had bumps and bruises and cuts,
But the biggest problem was Santa the klutz.

They look dead to anybody else?

The sleigh had been full of toys for every boy and girl,
But when the ghosts attacked, they flew off in a whirl.
So the toys were lost, forever and ever, it would appear,
Which was a much bigger problem than eight damaged reindeer.

But Pac-Man spent his life collecting weird dots,
So it shouldn’t be a problem to find toys for tots.
He set out into the blizzard with his loyal Pac-Dog,
While Santa sat and warmed himself by a burning Yule log.

Those ghosts, they recovered, and got to the toys first.
Maybe not all monsters are naughty, but these were the worst.
They played with the toys meant for every good lad
Even though they knew they had been nothing but bad.

They're just having fun!

Under the snow, Pac-Man did stealthily burrow,
But his sneaking skills weren’t exactly thorough,
The ghosts discovered the intruder with some haste,
And then the poor Pac-Man found himself chased.

So proud of himself

If there was one thing he could do, it was outrace a ghost,
So Pac-Man maintained speed, and kept the monsters engrossed,
While a furry little pac-dog grabbed a great big sack,
And started the long journey home, all the way back.

Pac-Man escaped, and the ghosts were lost,
But the blizzard was blowing a killing frost.
About the time man and dog fell right off a bluff,
Well, the odds of success were looking pretty rough.

Down I go...

But they both made it home safe, all the toys in tow,
Even if Pac-Man did look like a corpse from Fargo.
So Christmas was saved… except now it was much too late,
Just hours to go, even Santa couldn’t fly so fast, so great.

Pac-Man had another idea, and they all rushed to the orchard,
Where power pellets grew abundantly, and ghosts were tortured.
Hyped up on pac-drugs, every reindeer started to glow.
Now Santa wouldn’t be late, the reindeer were ready to go!

That can't be natural

So Santa flew from this place, bidding every pac adieu.
The jolly old elf leaving behind this spherical hullaballoo.
Pac-Man and family went home, proud of their good deed,
While reindeer pulled a sleigh at light speed.

But the tale was not over, oh no, not yet,
There were still gifts for the family to get.
A visit from St. Nick meant presents for all,
Like the pac-cat, Sourpuss, who got a yarn ball.

Even the ghosts, whose plans were often malicious,
Received a host of presents, some of them delicious.
Everyone was happy, everyone was filled with joy,
And Pac-Man went back to Smash, where he battled Roy.


And Santa flew through the skies, contemplating that weird land,
That, he surmised, was likely related to a video game brand,
“But no matter,” he was heard to say, with some pomp,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good chomp!”

Thanks for putting up with this nonsense!

FGC #038 Mega Man Legacy Collection

(Told you it would be a little different)

FGC #38 Mega Man Legacy Collection

  • System: PS4, XboxOne, 3DS eventually
  • Number of Players: One man… nay… one Mega Man
  • Gonna be a video blog now? God, no.
  • Favorite Robot Master: Shadow Man is a ninja!
  • Any complaints about the collection? Oh, gee, thanks, database, half the cast of Mega Man 5 is weak to Beat. Well, duh, Beat is the Death Bringer in that game.
  • Head Canon for Beat being amazing: See, Dr. Light and Dr. Wily are just clowning on each other, trying to see who is best with giant robot fights. Even though the world is in peril, it’s all a game to the two of them. Then Wily kidnaps Cossack’s daughter for some robot ideas, and Coassack never gets let in on the joke, because, ya know, his daughter is in mortal danger. So when Dr. Wily kidnaps Light in Mega Man 5, probably just to play poker or something, Cossack supports Mega Man, and manufactures The Death Bird to end Wily once and for all. Mega Man, of course, wins, but Light takes one look at Beat’s performance, and determines that he’s way too over-powered, so he handicaps the poor creature. Oh, also, Mega Man got his Mega Buster because Light really thought he was fighting this new Cossack guy in 4, and has been too embarrassed to remove it since. Well, until Mega Man 9.
  • Going to complete all those challenges? Man, I barely like playing through one robot master per game with the plain buster, left alone all of them. No thank you.
  • Did you know? Wily Machine 2nd form is weak to the Drill Bomb, but you have to detonate it juuuuuuust right. This is another reason nobody likes Mega Man 4.
  • Would I play again? Somehow I’m playing the game right now.

What’s Next? Random ROB has chosen… Yoshi’s Story! And we’re back to normal with that one, I’m not even certain that dinosaur is worthy of GIFs left alone rhyming. I mean… Please look forward to it!