It is not February yet, but circumstances demand we now talk about tits.
Today’s game is Yeah! You want “Those Games,” Right? So Here You Go! Now Let’s See You Clear Them! It is… exactly what this world needs. After years and years of mobile games being advertised with completely incredulous videos showcasing “games” that do not in any actual way exist, You want “Those Games,” Right? So Here You Go! Now Let’s See You Clear Them! finally provides an experience where you can pull a pin and watch a goblin destroy a man. While this collection does not offer anything like “makeover to win back your man” or “you need to save your baby from a flooding house, choose the plunger, idiot”, several of the old standbys are available here. We have mix the colors, evacuate the parking lot, choice-based endless runner, math tower, and the previously mention pin-puller. Everything here is immediately recognizable, and, since we are dealing with game concepts that can be conveyed in a three second ad, there is a pointed level of zen applied to the proceedings. Not unlike WarioWare or other mini-game collections, everything here qualifies as “easy to learn, difficult to master”, and a player is all but guaranteed to enjoy their time un-parking cars or dropping rocks on a treasure hunter. Complete with a format that does not involve microtransactions or cooldown timers, this is the ideal way to play “those games”, and not a single aspect of those fake mobile games is missing from this complete experience.
Well… except the tits.
You want “Those Games,” Right? So Here You Go! Now Let’s See You Clear Them! may have a title like a Japanese light novel, but it does not have the innate horniness. In fact, this game barely even has approximations of people. Every one of the challenges involves some kind of person somewhere (even parking simulator involves a few fellows you can flatten), but they are all rough sketches of the human form, and nothing like the real thing. “Stick figure” is a little too reductive, but it is not too far off from these nondescript homunculi. The “hunters” in pin-land are just the same as your avatar, but with a hat. The goblins are short and have pointy teeth/ears. The scientist appears to be the same person from the parking lot, but with a stethoscope. These “people” could have been crafted by a toddler.
And, in a way, it is odd that we do not see this more often. Nintendo is known for its iconic characters, but much of its gaming influence started back in 1980 with the Game and Watch series. And, while the official Mr. Game and Watch is something of a thirty-years-later revisionist invention of Smash Bros. Melee, the original Game and Watch character designs were not far off from that 2-D stickman. Ball featured a person with gangly arms, a big nose, and no other identifying features. Flagman or Vermin (whack-a-rat) showcased someone slightly different from Ball, but not enough that you would notice unless you were playing them side by side. Judge showcased competing twins, and Octopus smacked a diver’s helmet onto the proceedings just to explain why your gamer can survive underwater. Come to think of it, the only time you really got a markedly identifiable character was when a license was involved, like with Popeye or Mickey Mouse. So before Mario was a household name, the company that would one day have a hit song about his princess was best known for… Generic Guy. Turtle Bridge did not include any reptiles named for renaissance artists.
Of course, history has proven that stickmen are not the way to go. Nobody ever mistakes Link for Mario, and Nintendo has profited from that recognition. Even when you have games like F-Zero or Star Fox where a “person” doesn’t have to be included at all, you wind up with an intergalactic bounty hunter or a fox-man. Conquering capitalism may not be the first thought in any game designer’s head when they are working out the hair color of Samus Aran, but it is clear that characters sell. Hell, even when you start with a “placeholder” sprite like Kirby, you can somehow wring three decades of lore out of a pink ball with legs. Whether it is because of a seemingly effortless capacity for designing memorable characters or thanks to millions of dollars pumped into advertising (or a little of both), Nintendo has proven they can make stars out of any videogame protagonist.
But when you don’t have Nintendo backing your designs, why not just use tits?
“Tits” may be reductive, but those “fake” mobile ads use sexuality in a variety of ways. Parading out some model-looking digital avatar is obvious, but we have also seen multiple occasions where an “ugly duckling” is merely an ingénue that just needs to take off her glasses and do her hair (and you, smart and sexy player, are just the man to hand her the hairdryer). Similarly, there are many games wherein the “goal” appears to be some level of romantic revenge, and you must guide a buff stud to winning a pile of cash that will make that damned ex jealous of your riches. And, in practically all of these cases, sexuality’s omnipresent cousin, ego, is massaged with messages like “will improve your IQ” or “9 out of 10 people cannot solve this puzzle”. Don’t you want to be quantifiably better than your peers? Isn’t your best idea for a first date an IQ test? An IQ test that you win!? These appeals to the masses aren’t just about tits, they’re about brain-tits!
Basically, every tits-based ad is a shortcut to avoid having to establish and maintain a character that has actual enduring appeal. Everybody likes boobs (or at least roughly 50% of the population), so why not just go with a “character” that has survived since the age of loincloths?
So congratulations to You want “Those Games,” Right? So Here You Go! Now Let’s See You Clear Them! for forgoing tits and sticking to the classic “nothing” character of the Game and Watch days. Like how all of these games are actually games people would want to play, a stick figure can be the best option available when there is a good game built around them. It is unlikely You want “Those Games,” Right? So Here You Go! Now Let’s See You Clear Them! is going to sell a billion units, but at least it came by its sales without relying on exploiting male impulses like its inspirational cousins.
You don’t have to create the next Mario or a supermodel to make a memorable game, and You want “Those Games,” Right? So Here You Go! Now Let’s See You Clear Them! proves it.
After decades of losing to his descendants, Mr. Game and Watch wins.
SBC #14: Mr. Game and Watch & Yeah! You want “Those Games,” Right? So Here You Go! Now Let’s See You Clear Them!
Mr. Game and Watch in Super Smash Bros Ultimate
- He any Good? For being a joke character, Mr. Game and Watch has a versatile toolset. Want to toss projectiles at weird angles or absorb your enemy’s shots? You’ve got options! My only complaint is that he is super light, and feels like he should have a little more heft for how many of his attacks require getting up close and personal. Oh, and if you rely on judge, you suck.
- That final smash work? Still the octopus of previous smashings, but now a lot more useless as he cruises along the screen. Really, if he’s got the smash ball, and you can’t see a giant cephalopod coming, you deserve to get knocked into the next screen.
- The background work? Flat Zone X has just enough happening that it is interesting, but no deadly holes pop out of anywhere. This makes it my ideal hazard-based Smash Bros stage. I will judge other levels according to the echelon of Flat Zone X.
- Classic Mode: A Long Legacy means Mr. Game and Watch is going to fight classic characters on the most classic versions of their stages. This is fun journey… give or take having to deal with Donkey Kong’s 75m stage. I hate that place. The final boss is just a hand, which really makes me think there should be a more “classic” Smash Bros boss available. Some giant 8-bit sprite, maybe?
- First Appearance: Remember when Mr. Game and Watch was the supreme, final unlock of Super Smash Bros Melee? He was a lot of fun there, if only for the important factor of always confusing your friends who just wanted to play a game with a mobile pikachu. Past the novelty factor, though… well, it was always entertaining to see someone learn how his projectile worked for the first time.
- Smash Trivia: Mr. Game and Watch is the only brother to not have eyes in his default “stance”. A few generic actions, like parrying, rely on a character providing visual cues from their eyes. This means there are circumstances where Mister just has a light-up head.
- Amiibo Corner: The infamous Amiibo that has three switchable forms. I’m sticking with his alarm-taunt, because not nearly enough is made of the watch side of his name. Now please give me a call when they make a completely 2-D, paper-thin Mr. Game and Watch amiibo to hang out with a Paper Mario amiibo.
- Does Smash Bros Remember Today’s Game? I realize I am already stretching Mr. Game and Watch’s lore by claiming he stars in this title, but it does remind me that Smash Bros. does not include a whole lot to acknowledge the history of mobile gaming. There really should be a stage that is nothing but randomly generated Fire Emblem JPGs scrolling in the background.
Mr. Game and Watch in Yeah! You want “Those Games,” Right? So Here You Go! Now Let’s See You Clear Them!
- System: Currently available on Steam and Nintendo Switch. It will be no surprise if this migrates over to other systems, but these are currently the most portable systems available. They are mobile.
- Number of players: Only one person can hope to conquer all of these challenges.
- Favorite Minigame: There is something zen about the parking lot puzzles. You are taking a gigantic knot and reducing it to a meager length of string. The cars will go home, and all will be well. Those pedestrians really mess things up, though…
- A Bit of Tits: The only “sexual exploitation” that seems to happen here is during the endless runner that features a male hero that “wins” a house with a female supporting character. Or, if he collects enough to be a “celebrity”, he “earns” a whole harem of women, and the original supporting character is crying. This… raises all sorts of questions.
- Say something mean: Hit detection on that endless runner game absolutely sucks. I understand the faux 3-D perspective is an issue in even the best of games, but when tapping a spike plate is an instant game over, maybe make it more obvious you are about to be impaled.
- Thoroughly Researched: There is a Gacha-style vending machine available for useless titles and useless title backgrounds. Somebody really understands the driving force behind mobile gaming.
- Watch it, Buddy: This was featured on Even Worse Streams back in the Summer during an “off” week.
Please enjoy fanboymaster, BEAT, Jeannie, Caliscrub, AJVark, and an active comments section trying to survive watching me not understand how colors work.
- Did you know? As noted on the stream, the implication of the color of the doctor character in the beaker game is that we are dealing with a lady scientist. And, considering she is the only person in this whole game that has confirmed gainful employment, this means that 100% of characters in You want “Those Games,” Right? So Here You Go! Now Let’s See You Clear Them! that are beneficial to society are women. Somebody call the Men’s Rights Activists! And then laugh loudly!
- Would I play again: It is a shame that this game is predominantly based on puzzles with set solutions, as eventually you run out of puzzles. Maybe I’ll give it another go after enough time has passed that I’ve forgotten the solutions. That sounds like a fun time… If I can remember to do it…
What’s next? Hi! I’m Daisy! And I’m appearing in a videogame! Please look forward to it!
I have the highest IQ forever and evah