Jack? Mighty Bomb Jack? You want to know about good ol’ Jack? Ha! Okay, pull up a stool, I’ll tell you about Jack.
First thing you gotta understand about this whole thing is that it was the 80’s. You’re probably too young to remember this, but back then, we had kind of this… fad going. Not some stupid fidget spinner nonsense or pants around your ankles or whatever, no, back then we knew how to make a fad. Back then we had style. Back then, this circular fella, he had an eating disorder, and he decided to make that some kind of noble thing. He got his yellow ass chased by some ghosts, and suddenly, everybody was callin’ him a hero. A hero! For popping pills! But it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that everybody was worshipping this round boy, and then a couple of other guys get it in their heads that they want to be heroes, too. Before anybody realized what was happening, everybody was claiming to be a hero, and, for a whole quarter, you could hear their stories. And it might sound crazy, but some men got rich off those quarters.
Now, back when it all first happened, it was just random yokels running and jumping. I knew this guy, simple guy, had a simple name like Harvey or Harry or whatever, this guy decides he’s gonna run through some jungles, and get rich doing it. And he did! But you look for Henry on the street, even when he was at his most famous, and you’d never recognize him. Green shirt, green pants, he’s just some average schmoe. And a lot of the other “heroes” noticed that. Some people, they’re cool with not being recognized, but people who were trying to earn barrels full of quarters through their own “brand” alone? Those were not the kind of people that wanted anonymity. Those were the kind of people that want to be known, nay, lauded for their deeds and style. So the big costume craze hit next, and by ’84, Jack was getting ready to hit the scene.
Now, I mentioned that whole costume thing for a reason. A few years before Jack, there was this Italian fellow. Word was this kid was a carpenter or a plumber or something, but what was important was that he made the whole “blue collar” thing work. Personally, I never cared for it, because, come on, you got your first initial monogramed on your hat? What? You couldn’t afford to stick your whole name up there? Need to collect a few more coins, champ? But who cares, you’re not talking to me for my fashion advice, and neither was Jack. Jack comes to me, I remember this was April of ’83, and Jack says to me, “This new guy! They’re calling him Jump Man! I’m Jumpin’ Jack! What am I supposed to do?” And you know what? Jack had a point.
See, Jack had one amazing skill: he could jump good. You see your basketball players nowadays, and everybody says “they’ve got the ups”, but Jack? Jack could jump the entire height of a warehouse. Guy could jump up to the moon if he had to, and, believe me, he thought he might have to. Jack had always been good at jumping, and now, out of nowhere, there’s this other guy, and everybody is calling him Jump Man. And the kicker? He couldn’t even jump that well! He could vault a barrel, which, don’t get me wrong, is pretty hard in a stressful situation, but could he jump up to the top and jump on that giant monkey pal of his? No! Everybody is calling this schmuck “Jump Man”, but he can barely jump, and our expert jumper Jack here is going to come out, call himself a master jumper, and everybody is just going to say he’s ripping off the other guy. I tell ya, Jack was distraught.
So I says to him, I says, “Jack, look at this loser. He’s wearing overalls. Give it a couple years, nobody is going to remember this dingus. He’s a nobody, and you’re a somebody. You, you’re gonna bring class back to this whole operation. You’re not a ‘Jump Man’, you’re a Mighty Man! You’re gonna jump, you’re gonna jump the best out of all of ‘em, and they’re gonna call you Mighty Jumpin’ Jack! Totally different guy from that mustachioed loser. And you’re gonna let ‘em know it, too! You’re gonna wear a circus strongman getup, strap on a cape, and wear an awesome helmet with horns on the sides. Nobody is going to mess with you.”
Jack was a good guy, and, while I know I might have gotten a little crazy with that hat idea at the end, he immediately went for it. He was excited, and you could see it in his eyes. He started talking about how he was going to go to Egypt, and beat back an army of mummies, and save everybody from the pyramids, and, God, I think back on it, and it was like watching a man get born all over again. Now he was a man with a mission, and Mighty Jumping Jack was going to be the world’s next biggest hero.
Of course, things got a little complicated for Jack along the way. Every hero needs a villain, and this scoundrel by the name of Belzebut stepped up to challenge our boy. Seems it wouldn’t be enough for Jack to collect treasures in the pyramids of yore, nope, he also had to collect the million or so bombs that Belzebut had strewn about the place. That Belzebut had this whole “if I can’t have it all, I’ll blow it all up” thing going on, and, yes, we all needed a hero to save our priceless Egyptian monuments. Jack collects the bombs with his jumping skills, saves the day, and we’re all set forever. You really think about it, the whole situation should have made our jumping pal an international star. But you see Mighty Jumping Jack on any t-shirts lately? No, no you do not.
I blame those stupid bombs.
I want to say this again, and I know I just said it, but you’ve gotta pay attention to this: Jack collected bombs. He dodged mummies, nabbed treasure, and gathered bombs so he could defuse them. Jack never, not even once, used those bombs. Bombs were Jack’s enemy. No like bombs. Very straightforward. Bombs bad.
But Jack saves a international monument, comes back to the states, and starts telling his tale to these blokes at Tecmo. Jack goes through the whole rigmarole, mentions the bomb thing like, once, and what do they call him? Mighty Jumping Jack dies, and Mighty Bomb Jack stands in his place. Mighty Bomb Jack! I tell you, nobody reads Bat Joker Man comics, and nobody is going to see the latest movie with Luke Deathstar Skywalker. You don’t put the enemy in the title! Everybody thinks the exact wrong thing! They expect a guy that is gonna use bombs, and they get a guy that is good at jumping! No bombing involved! What is the audience supposed to think, huh? I’ll tell you what they think: they think that they got ripped off! You want mighty bombs, you go deal with that bomber git, not our pal Jack. Jack is for the jumper in us all, and nobody remembers that thanks to those fat cats at Tecmo.
Well, you know the rest of the story. Mighty Bomb Jack saved a pyramid or two, rescued a royal family, and hung up his horned helmet shortly thereafter. People enjoyed Jack’s antics, but it was a crowded market back then, and Jack started off on far too wrong a foot to ever survive. In time, other trends started to take over, and, by about the time “rodents with attitude” started being a thing, ol’ Jack had been completely forgotten. Sunrise, sunset, I suppose.
But don’t worry about Jack. You know that royal family he rescued? Well, he married a princess, and I hear that they’ve got a grandkid coming any day now. Can that plumber fella say that? I don’t think so. And, while Jack might not be the best known American hero, Egypt hasn’t forgotten Jack’s contributions, and they got him a modest statue in one of their big cities. Cairo? I’m sorry, I’m not much for geography. Point is that Mighty Bomb Jack, terrible name and all, is remembered some places. Oh! And he donated most of that treasure stash to orphans! So there’s a lot of good in this world now thanks to a guy that just really, really knew how to jump.
What’s that the kids say nowadays? He’s the bomb? Yeah, maybe you were just ahead of your time, Jack. Jack, you were a mighty man, and the bomb.
… Ugh, that sounds terrible.
Now pour me another pint, and I’ll tell you what really happened to Alex Kidd.
FGC #370 Mighty Bomb Jack
- System: Mighty Bomb Jack was originally a NES game, but then appeared on nonsense like the Atari ST, Commodore 64, and Gameboy. Only one of those things qualifies as a real system. Oh, and Wii Virtual Console, too.
- Number of players: There was a Vs. version that had two players, but it’s single player on the NES, so we’re going with that.
- Who put the Mighty in Mighty Bomb Jack: The original Bomb Jack was a single screen, hop around affair for the arcade. Mighty Bomb Jack added fully scrolling stages, and relegated the “single room” areas primarily to bonus rooms. … Or at least they felt like bonus rooms. Point being that this is basically the same difference between Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros., except Nintendo expanded that property into a gigantic, sprawling franchise, and Tecmo did not grant Bomb Jack the same boon.
- Favorite Confusing Moment: Mummies are Jack’s primarily antagonists. Mummies are capable of transforming into parrots, skulls, and bugs. Life is like fighting a mummy, you never know what you’re going to get.
- Did you know? If you collect too many powerups in Mighty Bomb Jack, you are sentenced to the Torture Room, where you must survive for a set amount of time before being granted an exit.
Could you imagine if this feature was implemented in other videogames? Could you imagine if it was implemented in a Wario title? It would change the face of gaming. … For the worse.
- Would I play again: Oh yeah, this game is really boring. And annoying. Sorry, Jack, you’re going back into retirement.
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Taz-Mania for… Let’s make things interesting! All next week, we’ll be pitting SNES and Genesis titles against each other in a no-holds-barred battle for supremacy. So we’ll be kicking it off with Taz-Mania for the Sega Genesis vs. Taz-Mania for the Super Nintendo. And we’ll wash it all down with a refreshing glass of OJ. Please look forward to it!