Tag Archives: fanfic

FGC #576 Contra

June 1, 2633

GIFs you can hearMy name is Lance Bean. I have been dispatched to an archipelago near New Zealand with my partner, Bill “Mad Dog” Rizer. Why is he called Mad Dog? Because he was responsible for packing for this mission, and the dumbass didn’t even bring any shirts for us. Multi-purpose gun? Check. Suntan lotion? Bug spray? A friggen towel? Nope. I am traveling with an animal.

And our superiors apparently recognized that. Mad Dog is here to shoot stuff, but I have been distinctly tasked with documenting this journey. Apparently, prior to two years ago, this was a completely abandoned island. Then a meteorite crashed on the area, and the place has been hopping ever since. Now satellite images show that there appears to be a heavily armed militia preparing for an invasion, and nobody much likes that. However, no one can figure out the exact affiliation of this army, so there is some conjecture among the science types that these dorks arrived here on that previously mentioned space rock. Do I truck with that theory? Of course not. But I have been tasked with documenting this mission and any “weirdness” (their exact words) that may be involved. I’m not holding my breath there, but it at least gives me a reason to send Bill out in front while I scribble down some notes.

Mad Dog, I’m going to spend most of this mission looking for a t-shirt shop thanks to you, so you’re going to deal with these dorks and their stupid exploding bridges.

June 2, 2633

What even is this thing?Bill and I have ventured through two distinct areas, and I have learned two things:
1. The “army” doesn’t seem to be affiliated with any known superpower, but they do call themselves Red Falcon.
2. Red Falcon hella loves backpacks.

Other than that? Nothing to report. Where we landed was some dense forest, and it was crowded with guys running around doing nothing. Guess we interrupted Red Falcon calisthenics? And then Bill blew ‘em all to whatever afterlife is relevant to backpack worshippers. There were a few turret guns and a literal gun wall, but nothing we couldn’t handle. I mean, look, our boys back home keep sending gun modulations through flying orb thingys, so we’re not going to be impressed when confronted with a cannon that can aim in a whole three directions.

Once we got on the other side of that defensive wall, we at least saw Red Falcon had some interesting tech. I emphasize “had”, though, because we blew it all to Kingdom Come. It is not my fault if you seal all your doors with extremely volatile, glowing red buttons. Oh, and head’s up, Red Falcon? Some weirdo doing jumping jacks across a wall is not the impenetrable defense you seem to think it is. Incidentally, as per my orders, I did want to stop and take a look at all this tech sprinkled around the base, but Bill… well… Bill apparently got a flamethrower modulator on his gun, and having a flamethrower pissed him off so much, he had to burn the whole base down. First world problems…

Regardless, nothing extraordinary about Red Falcon to report so far. There was some kind of weird, angry eyeball thing at the end of this labyrinth fortress, but it was probably a robot or a hologram or something. It shot bubbles? Literally nothing to write home about. Apparently we’re going back outside tomorrow, so looking forward to that.

June 3, 2633

Thar be dragonsMad Dog is a dick.

Look, Bill, this is really straightforward: you jump and tumble and whatever and shoot the bad guys, and I hang back and write up these mission reports. I have to stand there and take notes. It is my job. And it’s cool that you get to flip around like a coked-up acrobat on floating rocks or whatever, but do not leave me behind. This is pretty basic stuff. I am your partner. I am helping. And I will literally die if you run ahead of me and leave me to get blasted while I’m trying to catalogue that 800th backpack dude. Yes, I know you think this is stupid, but it is important to the mission, and that means it is important to you. You want to get medals, Bill? Oh, no, I guess you don’t, because you can’t even remember to bring a shirt. Dammit, Bill.

Stop calling me “scorpion”, Bill. Is that supposed to be an insult? No, scorpions are not known for being slow. That isn’t a thing.

For the record, the waterfall was nice and pleasant. Nothing too exciting going on here, but the “gun wall” from that first base was replaced with some kind of mobile dragon statue. Red Falcon apparently is really into robotic masonry, but this has otherwise been a pretty uninteresting day. Now for another day, another base.

June 4, 2633

Where is my shirt, BillFirst task of the day: another dumbass series of hallways. Who cares? This is, like, exactly like the last base, but with more guns. Been there, done that. There was even some kind of hologram monster thingy shooting bubbles at the end. Red Falcon apparently has decent technology, but it uses it all for bubble cyclopes and dragon statues. I admire that, though it isn’t particularly effective in the face of Mad Dog.

But speaking of Mad Dog, I was cursing my dear companion for most of the day (again), because today’s adventure was blanketed in snow. How does that work? We were looking at a reasonable 50-60 when we touched down (yes, Bill, I understand that it is Summer at home, but we’re in the southern hemisphere, genius), but now we are trudging through a blizzard. Technically, we are also close to where that meteor touched down, so it is possible there was some manner of ecological event here, and, (conjecture) the meteor is somehow “draining” the life (and temperature) out of the area. Or maybe Red Falcon invested in a weather machine, and is training its grunts for snowy backpacking. Really could be a lot of explanations here.

Regardless, Bill couldn’t care less, and he seems to keep warm by pressing himself up against “spike trucks” (his words) and firing away. I guess the adrenaline is keeping his shirtless self going. There was some kind of “hover ship” at the entrance to the next base, but that thing barely warrants a mention. However, it does seem like that base is going down into the Earth and “following” that meteor that hit the archipelago two years ago, so we might see some answers tomorrow.

And maybe, once we’re inside, Red Falcon will turn up the thermostat.

June 5, 2633

I do not like this dudeThis has been a… memorable day.

So our first stop was some kind of factory or power company or… something. It’s hard to tell, because whatever was ever supposed to be going on here appears to be partially broken now. There are pipes that are half broken, expelling… something that is deadly. You do not want to touch that stuff. And, whether the place is actually functioning or not, there were a pile of soldiers defending the area. Maybe they like the energy blasts? Trying to warm the place up? This Energy Zone (Bill’s naming scheme, based on the fact that he woke up and “crushed” some stupid energy drink) is a complete mystery, and I can’t see any humans actively working within this “factory”.

Oh, and the reason I note that “human” thing? There was what appeared to be a person in a football uniform guarding the following area… except he was about three times the size of your average human. This goliath tossed some disc thing around the area, but the biggest threat was the fact that he was just… big. I could have reasonably described everything “big” we faced up to this point as some kind of robot, but this was definitely a biological entity. He (it?) smelled alive, at least. Is this the effect of the meteor on a human? Some genetically manipulated malcontent? However this beast came into existence, we put it in the ground, albeit after it soaked way too much artillery.

By comparison, the following area was fairly mundane. It seemed to be a deliberate “trap zone” (how does that work for you, Bill? Hangar Zone? No, that’s stupid) to keep invaders like us out. Of course, the whole area seemed… off. Like maybe someone on the planning board had read about how to repel invaders, but didn’t quite understand what was actually going to be useful. Spiked walls? Deadly. A mine cart that just putters along at 5 MPH and doesn’t go anywhere? Maybe head back to the drawing board, Red Falcon. You’ll get us next time, I’m sure.

Regardless, one final door busting, and we’re good to go. Given all these fortifications, I’m guessing we’ll see the heart of this mission tomorrow.

June 6, 2633

Java is cancelledOkay…

Okay.

That was… something.

I will keep this report brief: yes, the meteorite apparently brought some aliens with it. I have no idea how to even describe these things, but Bill called the big sausage-looking thing “Java”. Why? It made me spill my morning coffee, and Bill was having a laugh. He has been a jackass to the very end. Also, I would love to document more of what we experienced on that wretched island, but our favorite jackass blew up the whole island. Was that part of his mission? Destroy every last trace of the nightmare I just experienced? Good job, Mad Dog, you shot a pulsating, mammoth heart until an entire archipelago detonated. Oh, did I not mention the solitary heart the size of a Hummer? And how it was protected by an army of spider-aliens that were continually spawning from acid-dripping eggs? And how I had to spend like twenty minutes prying one of those suckers off Bill’s face? That was not a fun time for anybody involved.

I am done with this nonsense. Yes, there were aliens. Yes, a lot of those “backpack dudes” were probably aliens, too. It was, probably very literally, aliens all the way down. And I am done. I’m not doing that again. You want to send this “Scorpion” against an army of aliens again, you can count me out. I know that meteor had to come from somewhere, but If these aliens strike back, that’s super, but I’m staying home.

I’m going to need thirty lifetimes’ worth of therapy now…

FGC #576 Contra

  • System: We do not have time to name every system that has hosted Contra. I can at least confirm that everyone thinks of the NES or Arcade versions, but some of those ports have appeared on the Nintendo DS, Nintendo Switch, Commodore 64, and… let’s say Playstation 4.
  • Number of players: Two player simultaneous in a time when that was rarely ever seen. Particularly in an action game! That’s important!
  • Back in Action: And, while 2-P is important, I’d also claim that one of the chief reasons Contra became so popular was that “instant respawning” was practically unheard of at the time. Nobody likes to restart from the beginning of the level! They want to pick up right from where their corpse lies! And Contra’s instant respawns were wonderful! Just a shame that Lance and Bill were always so… fragile.
  • Favorite Weapon: Spread. It works in other games, too. Special shoutout to the incredible uselessness of flamethrower, and the horrible “tiny shield” that is generated by coupling a laser with a rapid-fire controller. It’s like tackling the alien hordes with a blowtorch!
  • Land of the Rising Fun: The Japanese version of Contra includes cutscenes, snow, pulsating alien hives, “mission reports”, and a full map. It’s all available on the modern console Contra collection, and I will admit that not being able to read those mission reports may have inspired this article.
  • Goggle Bob Fact: This is a game I can finish without ever taking a hit. I rarely “practice” that hard on a game, but it happened with Contra, because I had to record Contra footage about a decade ago, and I refused to record any deaths. My mortal enemy is this pipe, though.

    Stupid pipe

    Or maybe Achille’s heel is a more appropriate moniker for that one…

  • Did you know? American editions of Contra seemed to downplay the whole “future war” thing, but keep all those whacky aliens and magical guns. This is a weird choice that nobody in 1987 actually cared about.
  • Would I play again: I like to run ‘n gun. This is the ideal game to play for like a half hour and just be done. That happens a lot in my household.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Rock ‘n Roll Racing for the 16-bit system of your choice! First we are going to rock, then we are going to blow up a race car, and then we might roll. Please look forward to it!

Hate this guy

FGC #479 Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse

Here comes Grant“Grant? Grant, my man, how are you? How’s the family? Good. Good. Look, I’m calling because I have a bit of an opportunity for you. You ready? You sitting down? Okay, great, look, I got the call from Konami, and they want you to star in the next Castlevania game. Yes, you! No no, look, I understand what you’re saying. Yes, there is technically a Belmont starring in this game. No, not Simon this time, it’s… let me see if I wrote this down… it’s Ralph? Is that right? Ralph Belmont. He’s supposed to be Simon’s grandfather or something. So, okay, yeah, you’re not the star, but you’re going to be one of the stars in the first ever Castlevania game featuring more than one vampire slayer. And you’re going to be one of the good ones, too! Like, without question, you’re going to be the first partner that can be recruited. What? Oh yeah, there are two other people involved, some wizard lady and a bat-dude. I think he’s supposed to be related to Dracula? No, don’t worry about it, he’s a standup guy. At least… I think he’s a guy. Half guy? Is that a thing? What? Yeah, sorry, I’m getting off track. So, yeah, you’re going to be the first ever person to team up with a Belmont to take on Dracula! You! Grant Danasty!

“No… Buddy, do you understand what I’m saying? You’re not going to get a whip. You, and only you, are going to have an unlimited cache of daggers. Yes, Ralph gets daggers, too, but you have infinity daggers. And not only that, but you know how the Belmont dude in those other games was all slow and everything? Well you get to jump around like Mario. I know! Kids love Mario! You’re going to be the Mario of Castlevania! Except with knives! And I guess you can use an axe, too, so that way you get a powerup power like everybody else. I mean, between you and me? That Dracula Kid only gets a cruddy stopwatch. You’ve got an axe! Like a dwarf! What? No, I’m not calling you short. I’m calling you strong! Castlevania 3: Starring Grant Danasty is going to be a totally different experience. I don’t see why anyone would use any of those other so-called heroes at all!

Bad guy!“Oh, but one teeny tiny admonition: You have to play a monster in your first appearance. The whole deal is, like, Dracula cursed you to be a monster in some clock tower, so you have to fight Ralph and climb around on walls and scream like you’re a big, bad guy. I think some prosthetics are involved. But it’s good! Like, sure, you have to act like a monster, but it’s all because you have some tragic backstory with a lost group of bandits that have been fighting against Dracula taking over the local countryside. Oh, and it all ties into your ending, too. The vampire guy just stands there and broods, but your finale sees you rebuilding the town and being remembered as a hero.

“So, trust me, man, you are going to love all of this. You’re going to be synonymous with Castlevania! Castlevania 3: Legacy of Grant! Tell me you’re down for this, and I’ll let Konami know they’ve got one acrobatic ace on Ralph’s team!”

—-

Get 'em“Grant, my main man, calling again because I’ve got some great news: you’re going to America, baby! Castlevania 3 got picked up for localization, so you’re going to be an international star! Burt Reynolds, Madonna, and now Grant Danasty! You are gold, baby!

“Just, you know, few caveats. Nothing, really, but I figure I should mention ‘em to you. Just as a courtesy thing. First of all, and this shouldn’t really impact you at all, but they’re changing a few graphics here and there. Some naked statues are a little less naked, some crosses are a little less cross-y… You know, those whacky Americans, they got all kinds of problems. And… uh… well, you know, same vein and all, they may have… well, I think the parlance is “nerfed” your appearance a little. You know how you had all those daggers? Well, now Grant is stuck with one single danger, and you’re not allowed to throw it. … Yeah, look, I understand what you’re saying, but you’re looking at this all wrong. You’re more of a challenge now! You know you completely wrecked the Japanese version with your ability to crawl through shortcuts and pelt that cyclops with your daggers, so now there’s a reason to use dopey ol’ Trevor. … Oh, yeah, they changed his name. ‘Ralph’ didn’t really resonate in the States… Oh, yeah, no, I hear you, but… Yes, Alucard gets to keep his fireballs. No, buddy, I don’t think that just because Alucard’s mobility is infinite and you have a fiddly jump to… Grant, seriously? Listen to me. You’re going to be great. They’re going to love you! Grant Danusty is going to be a household name. … Grant Danasty. Yes. What did I say? Sorry, slip of the tongue.

“Oh, one last thing. Apparently your backstory now is that you’re a pirate. It doesn’t impact anything, but I guess they wanted to explain the bandana? Hey, that was your fashion choice, don’t blame me. Besides, it’s not like anyone is going to remember some dumb biography from an instruction manual in twenty years. They’re going to remember Grant! The man that stabbed Dracula right in the face! I’ll call Konami right now and tell ‘em Grant Danusty is down! … Oh, sorry, I think I have a cold or something.”

“Grant, hey, I know it’s been… really? Seven years? Wow, where does the time go? Look, calling because I got you another gig in Castlevania! I know, right? They never reuse protagonists, but here we are! Grant is back, baby!

“… Well, okay, I’ve spoken to Castlevania’s new director, Iga or something, and… Well, okay, remember Alucard? I guess he made an impact on somebody, and now he’s getting his own game. … No, I’m sorry, the whole thing is supposed to take place like hundreds of years after Castlevania 3, so… Well, I guess in the story, you’re kind of… uh… dead. But don’t worry! I looked at your contract, and if Alucard appears in a game within a decade of CS3, then you have to, too! So I got you in!

Take that!“… Well, yeah, you’re not the hero. You can’t always be the star, Grant. It’s more of a cameo, really, but a gig is a gig, right? And your buddies Ralph… sorry, Trevor and Sypha will be there. It’s just a boss fight… Yes, you’re a boss monster again… Yeah, apparently you’re a zombie version of yourself… Yeah, look, just take the gig, man. Grant gets to be 32-bits, your fans get to see you all over again, and it’s going to be great. You don’t see Christopher Belmont getting these calls, do you? It’s a paycheck, buddy, just have some fun with your friends, don’t think too hard about it. At least you’ll get your daggers back!”

“Grant, my nasty boy, where have you been? Eleven years just flies by, right? Well, look, I’m calling you with some amazing news. They’re making a Castlevania fighting game, and it’s only going to include fourteen legends from across the whole franchise. And one of those legends? You guessed it, the one and only Grant Danasty. … Nope! You’re not a boss or a monster or anything. It’s just you, Grant, and you’re a playable character all over again! And your old buds are in the game, too, so if you want to see Alucard all… You’re not talking… Oh, Grant, come on, I know a sword to the face hurts, but you were supposed to be an evil zombie. You have to let it go.

“Although… uh… Speaking of things you’re going to have to let go, they decided to… expand your backstory a little bit for this one. No, you don’t have to worry about that pirate thing again, I don’t know why you keep bringing that up… No, apparently there is, like, time travel in this one, and the ‘you’ that is fighting is a Grant from after Castlevania 3, and after Trevor and Sypha get married. And… uh… If I’m reading this right, your whole deal is that you’re jealous that Trevor and Sypha are together, so you skipped their wedding and… What? Well, okay, yeah, I guess it kind of makes you sound like a ‘douchebag’, but you don’t need to use that kind of language. You fell for a girl while you went on an adventure, and that makes you relatable. What? No, it really doesn’t matter that you only ever shared a single screen back in the day, it’s what’s called a retcon. You had a thing for Sypha, she went for Trevor, and you’re fighting to impress her. Easy-peasy. You don’t have to change a bit.

“Oh… wait, there is one thing. I just got a fax of… Woof… Okay, apparently your costume is going to look like… uh…

Classy kind of guy

“No, you’re not a mummy monster. Why do you keep thinking someone is trying to make you a monster? It’s just… a stylistic choice. Happens all the time! You should see what they’ve got this Maria kid wearing. Trust me, you’re going to make out great with this Judgment thing! These fighting games always take off, and you’re on the ground floor! There’s going to be, like, medusa head DLC in three years, and you’re going to be part of the original crop. You are Castlevania all over again, Grant!”

“Grant. Grant, I know you’re listening. You have to stop calling me. It’s been almost ten years since that Judgment disaster. Konami… or what passes for Konami nowadays… They’re done with you, okay? It sucks, but it happens. And this new thing? The Netflix series? They’re not interested. Your “team” contract ran out a long time ago, and the writers here? They don’t care. I don’t know if it’s the whole pirate thing, or how there is already enough of the aristocracy versus the peasants thing going on, or maybe it’s just that “surly Trevor” subsumed your personality… but, Grant? You listening to me? You have to let it go. This is a new Castlevania, and it’s not for you.

Winner“Look, Grant are you?… Grant? Grant, you’re a good guy. Remember the good times! You were the top of the heap in Castlevania 3. You were right there at the beginning, you could kill a skeleton from a hundred meters, and you didn’t need a single heart to scuttle all over the world and make every level your playground. Things may have gone downhill from there, but you were top of the heap at the start, and people will remember that. Hey, I hear there’s a whole Classic Castlevania Collection being released, and it’s got the American and Japanese versions. Think about it, man, everybody is going to see your glory days all over again, no stupid Netflix show required. Netflix shmetflix, you’re the big man from Castlevania, Grant, and they’re crazy for not seeing it.

“Grant? You alright? … Yeah, okay, I’ll come over. Break open a wall, we’re gonna have a meat feast tonight. A toast to Grant Danusty, buddy!

“… What?”

FGC #479 Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse

  • System: Nintendo Entertainment System is your classic go-to, but it has recently resurfaced on Wii, WiiU, 3DS, and Switch/PS4 for compilations. Yes, I am pretty sure I purchased this game on every one of those systems.
  • Number of players: One vampire slayer at a time, please.
  • Favorite Slayer: Alucard. What? I like dhampirs.
  • Favorite Route: Whatever allows me to skip that falling block area. Considering I also want to pick up Alucard, that usually means swinging through his crypt, and then moving on to Castlevania’s inexplicable Fake Atlantis. Sorry I had to drown an entire city on the way to Dracula, guys, but that’s what you get for employing a loadbearing dragon.
  • Lookin' GoodFrom the peanut gallery: My better half objected to every time I switched characters, and commented “don’t make that horrible sound again.”
  • Goggle Bob Fact: My grandparents mailed me this game as a Christmas gift back when I was a wee Goggle Bob. Some part of me would have wanted to have my vacationing grandparents home for the holidays… but another part of me was very content to hunt vampires all day and night for weeks. Childhood: it’s a tradeoff.
  • So, did you beat it? I want to say this is a game I played 10,000 times as a kid, but never actually conquered until the innovation of save states. This is saddening, but have you ever actually fought Dracula III’s final form? It is a death-spewing monster the likes of which the franchise has rarely seen (and the hellish pits don’t help).
  • Did you know? The Grant Doppelgänger still uses constant throwing daggers, while Grant is left with his piddly stabbing stick in the American version. The computer cheats!
  • Would I play again: This is easily one of, if not my most, favorite Castlevania titles. I drift back to Castlevania 3 about once annually, and I don’t see that stopping anytime soon.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Three Dirty Dwarves for the Sega Saturn! That’s three more dirty dwarves than we normally get! Please look forward to it!

Buds!

FGC #447 We ❤ Katamari

In the wake of a little green man and a giant ball wrecking the planet, let’s take a moment to cover all the news…

National
Trump Address Nation
“Our borders will be back!”

President Trump tweeted to what is left of the nation today after the attack of what is now being called the “Democrat Ball”.




He then proceeded to blame a cornucopia of races for the attack, and eventually explained the naming of the destructive sphere:

“Democrats? Who can trust them? I’m not saying they made this ball, but people are talking. They hate your number one favorite president, so they’re trying to embarrass him. We need to stop this Democrat Ball and Crooked Hilary!”

Poor NYCAt a later press conference, Trump provided no further details, but when asked what Hilary Clinton had to do with anything, responded by calling a reporter a word we cannot in good conscience reprint. It rhymes with “bunt”.

Democrat Ball relief will be sent to New York, New Jersey, and other areas our president deems worthy. When asked where President Trump would find the money to rebuild, in New York City’s case, an entire island (island included) President Trump began shouting that the economy is as good as it ever was, and anyone that claims he is not a billionaire is a liar.

In further response to the Democrat Ball, an Executive Order has been issued exiling any United States residents with, per the order, “funny sounding last names”. As of press time, the administration has declined to further define those terms.

Local
Farmer Loses Mythical Beast
“My cowbear!”

Cows!A local farmer lost his beloved cowbear yesterday, and still has no idea where it has gone.

“It just up and ran off. My prized cowbear!” balled the strange farmer. “It done flew out of its pen yesterday, chasing some flying, flaming cow, and then the whole rest of my little cows and bears ran away, too. They all followed that dang cowbear down to the racetrack, and I don’t have a dag gum clue what to do!”

When the farmer was told there was no such thing as a cowbear, and that there was absolutely no race track in the area, he simply stared into nothingness for approximately five minutes. After the long, awkward, and eerie pause, he finally spoke, saying, “You guys are no help, I’m gonna go ask myself that King of the Cosmos if he’ll help me.”

The King of the Cosmos denied comment, citing he didn’t exist, either.

Entertainment
Beyoncé, Los Angeles Crushed
A loss for the planet

Yass QueenIn sad news, Beyoncé was enveloped in the Democrat Ball. Unfortunately, she was on the outside of the ball for quite a while, and suffered more than a few hair emergencies thanks to her body being crushed by the sheer force of the rest of the items in the ball, such as cars, monuments, and marginally rabid tourists and fans. Presumably, Beyoncé is now orbiting our solar system with the rest of those lost to the Democrat Ball, making the popular singer a literal star.

Whether or not this will affect the release of Beyoncé’s next single, Love in a Partitioned Drive, is yet to be seen.

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SAVE THE PANDAS
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World
Super Sumo Destroys Japanese City
Move over Godzilla!

Sumo!Downtown Tokyo was destroyed today as a gigantic sumo cannibal bowled through the city.

The unidentified sumo rolled around, presumably too hefty to walk, and was followed by a small green creature. The sumo miraculously chose not to devour the green critter, but did proceed to eat everything he could fit into his gaping maw, including people. The sumo terror grew at an exponential rate, and, while he started merely eating food randomly strung around on the street for the Metro City Memorial Festival, he grew to such a size that even the greatest yokozuna could not hope to achieve.

“Sakura and I were just sitting there, minding our own business, eating a pizza, ya know, nothing special,” said one Ryu Chan of Kyoto. “And then this brobdingnagian sumo comes rolling over, sticks Sakura in his diaper with our pizza and a bunch of giant watermelons, and then he ate Sakura! After the watermelons but before the pizza! So you know!”

The young Ryu was obviously shocked at the loss of his sweetie/pizza, but retained a certain optimism that can only originate from the blissful knowledge of having avoided digestion.

While we did attempt to interview the super sumo, we unfortunately failed when our cameraman was consumed. We accepted that as a “no comment”, and allowed the sumo to roll away, demolishing a fencepost, fence, and two dolphins on his way out of town.

Science
Are we hurtling into the sun?
Some say “yes,” others “no”

MY EYES!Scientists claim the sun is growing closer by the moment.

An independent study conducted by Ultra Tech claims the sun is right where it has always been, and it’s just a trick of the eye.

After the damage wrought yesterday by the Democrat Ball rolling across our nation and the world, certain scientists are claiming our own planet is being used as the next Democrat Ball, and it is rapidly gaining speed on its way to the sun!

Other scientists think those first scientists are gigantic loonies.

“It is unmistakable!” said one Professor Larks. “We are quickly attracting other, smaller planets and satellites, and being hurled at the sun by some cosmic entity! It’s all over, people, this is the end!”

“My respected colleague is, unfortunately, an idiot,” retorted Professor Relson. “If we were getting closer to the sun, it would start becoming remarkably hot, and all studies show that the planet is not getting warmer at all. See, the proof is in this data. Although I must admit that it is odd that the constellation Cygnus appears to be stuck in my lab assistant’s buttocks.”

While temperatures have indeed been climbing today, it has been deemed a perfectly normal, predicted heat wave, and is in no way indicative of the Earth eventually crashing into the sun. As many scientists have already concluded, the Democrat Ball was caused by Democrats, and it is currently unlikely they wish to see the destruction of all life on Earth. It would be insane for a political party to actively destroy the planet in the name of guileless greed.

Whether we actually are approaching the sun, for any reason, is yet to be seen.

This entire article is a work of fiction, and not intended to be taken seriously. All celebrity tweets are impersonated. This is parody of our own completely bonkers reality.

FGC #447 We ❤ Katamari

  • System: Playstation 2, and that’s it. Maybe we’ll see a Switch rerelease? Maybe they won’t release this one the same day as Super Smash Bros? Who’s to say?
  • KATAMARI!Number of players: I have never successfully gotten a two-player roll-out going with Katamari Damacy, but I’m sure there’s an alternate dimension where it became a competitive sport.
  • Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: I would argue that this is the truest form of Katamari, after the initial proof-of-concept that was fun, but still limited; but before the inevitable parade of sequels that wound up pasting gimmicks and general unwanted cruft to a winning formula. This isn’t to say this is my absolute favorite Katamari game, but it is one of the best in the franchise. Oh, and I played it for about ten billion hours back at its release, so I’m going to go ahead and say that it has enough content to keep someone busy…
  • Just play the gig, man: I also want to say that Katamari Damacy and its sequels are the only games for which I inevitably seek out the soundtrack immediately. I can sing a song for all who feel love! And I will!
  • Favorite Roll-up: The sweets stage, featuring a delicious gingerbread house, is my pick of the game. You really can’t lose when you’re building the world’s largest jawbreaker. Willy Wonka knew that!
  • Did you know? There is an entire cottage industry for nerds attempting to complete that 1,000,000 rose rollup challenge that is unlocked after completing the game. I simply want to point out that people did this thing before trophies were a mainstay in gaming.
  • Would I play again: I ❤ this game. Please port it to Switch, Namco? I need to have portable sumo rolling on the regular.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Mega Man X5 for the Playstation! And we’re going to throw Mega Man X4 in there, too! It’ll be a mega time! Please look forward to it!

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FGC #391 Star Fox 64 3D

Let us review how it only took one greedy pig to ruin the universe.

Here is Pigma Dengar.

Oink

First, we shall consider Pigma’s past. Pigma was a member of the original Star Fox team. This gang included not only Pigma, but also Peppy Hare and its leader, James McCloud. And, if you examine the infrastructure of the original Star Fox, you’ll find that being a mercenary space pilot was a pretty cushy gig. Sure, you were flying across the universe straight into danger on all fronts… but it certainly paid well. The Star Fox custom ships were all the latest in technological advancement, and, let’s be real here, that costs a pretty penny. And then there’s the Great Fox, a gigantic, airborne aircraft carrier that could quickly hop around the galaxy. James needed a 70 year loan to purchase that incredible ship… and I don’t care what planet you’re on, a bank isn’t going to hand out that kind of scratch without a flawless credit rating. Essentially, history shows that, prior to the Lylat Wars, Star Fox was making bank.

But Pigma wanted more.

WeeeeeeIt might be speciest, but Pigma was a pig through and through. Pigma was perfectly willing to sell out his companions and entire operation for, what, a few pieces of silver? The whole Star Fox operation was squashed in one day thanks entirely to Pigma’s greed. The cunning pig led James McCloud and Peppy Hare into a lethal trap, and only Peppy was able to escape with his life. James was gone, Peppy was wounded, and Pigma had indisputably switched sides. It was this event that would then inevitably lead to rise of Andross, and the Lylat Wars would occur shortly thereafter.

And consider Andross: he may have once been the most hated ape in the galaxy, but, one way or another, Andross’s tale is one of an underdog. Andross was singularly brilliant even as a child, and was focused on protecting his home planet of Corneria. However, his ambitions outstripped his abilities, and, in a fateful accident, a chunk of the capital was outright obliterated. General Pepper, seeing no other recourse, exiled Andross to Venom, a planet so inhospitable, it was literally named for poison. But Andross thrived in this environment, and, from the nothing that was a demon class planet, Andross had amassed an army. It was then that he was able to tempt Pigma to his side, and put an end to the original Star Fox team. Andross came from nothing, had all of his resources stripped away, and was still able to successfully launch a rebellion with the help of one greedy pig that already had more than his fair share of wealth. Andross was hated and reviled, but no one can say he merely inherited that title.

I hate everything!And, while we are speaking of privilege, we must consider Pigma’s lost quarry: Peppy Hare. Peppy escaped that fateful trap that finished James McCloud, and hopped on home to relay the news to Fox McCloud, son of James. Fox was an excellent pilot in his own right, but was he prepared to take up the Star Fox mantle? Was he at all qualified to lead a team of mercenaries on a blood quest to avenge his father? Or was Fox less fox, and more a lamb to the slaughter? Peppy never seemed like a vengeful hare, but he did immediately conscript his inexperienced “nephew” in a bloody war without a second thought. And, advanced or not, did anyone truly believe that four ships would succeed in stopping Andross where an entire army had failed? And who the hell thought it was a good idea to make the amphibious mechanic a pilot? Was this “team” thrown together with the same care as a middling salad? We now see Star Fox as a group of heroes that have saved the universe on multiple occasions, but, at the time, it was just a bloodthirsty rabbit and a kid that inherited his father’s empire. One might suppose we should be thankful was Fox McCloud was firmly on the side of the angels.

But Pigma certainly was not. Star Fox was assembled to destroy Andross, and Star Wolf was assembled to counter that vanguard. Or was it? Data on the Star Wolf team prior to the Lylat Wars is sketchy at best. What we do know is that Andross was responsible for the Wolfen craft that the team employs, and we’re all well aware that Andrew earned his seat at the table through being Andross’s nephew. But Pigma? It’s unclear how Pigma joined the gang. Was he with Star Wolf from the beginning, or did he join only when Andross offered a bounty? Are the rumors true, and Pigma is also the reason Fox and Wolf have an eternal rivalry? Whatever his origin, Pigma was certainly a member of Star Wolf exclusively for the paycheck, and, ace piloting skills or not, he was only interested in “finishing the job” for the money.

Which he didn’t. Star Wolf failed, Andross failed, and Star Fox brought peace to the galaxy. Pigma was out of a job.

SpicyBut greed doesn’t evaporate after a single setback. Pigma may have been financially and morally bankrupt, but it was still a big galaxy, and not being accepted by polite society never stopped this pig. Despite being targeted by the Cornerian Army, Star Fox, and Star Wolf (his former companions), Pigma was able to make a living as a pirate.

And then his greed nearly destroyed the universe. Again.

Aparoids, mechanical monsters from the furthest reaches of the galaxy, invaded the Lylat System. These insect-like creatures may have been merely a galactic annoyance, but Pigma thought he could make a quick buck by getting his hoggish hands on a Core Memory, and selling it to the highest bidder. His plan may have worked… except the core assimilated Pigma, and transformed him into a galactic engine of destruction. Mecha Pigma then severely damaged the climate control center of Fichina, and effectively killed an entire planet. Before he was finally destroyed by Star Fox, Pigma had left an indelible scar on the face of the galaxy, and all in the name of buying a bigger pig pen.

So is there a moral to Pigma’s story? He had it all, gave it away for more, but, in the end, died a penniless captive of his own avarice. “Don’t be greedy” seems like a pretty obvious lesson here, but maybe there’s something more. Maybe we’re supposed to realize what greed does: that, given the option, there are some people that would absolutely choose to endanger everyone and everything in the name of profit. Maybe the moral is not to avoid being this type of person, but to never enable someone that would even think of doing such a thing. Greed is bad, we know that, but perhaps it is more important to guard against the greedy than worry about the dominion of our own hearts.

Though, one would suppose, a coda is important here.

Right?There are some that say Pigma survived. Despite the destruction of the Aparoid hive, Pigma lived on, now fused with the core he stole long ago, and became some manner of… space box. This new creature is neither living nor dead, though seemingly possessed of Pigma’s repellant personality. Perhaps this is the ultimate fate for one so fueled by greed. Perhaps, trapped in a prison of his own making, screaming at the void and attempting to distract heroes from their real goals, perhaps that is where greed leads in the end.

But that kind of appropriate punishment will not bring back the lives lost.

Beware the pigs of this galaxy, citizens. Beware the pigs.

FGC #391 Star Fox 64 3D

  • System: Nintendo 3DS. If we’re talking about the original, which we’re not, then you’d have to hit the N64.
  • Number of players: Multiplayer is still possible, right? Let’s say four. Wait, they dropped the on-foot mode? Lame.
  • Hey, genius, none of this is canon anymore: Yes, Star Fox Zero apparently has rewritten the Star Fox timeline once again. And maybe Star Fox 2 is now partially canon, too, thanks to the SNES Mini? I don’t care. Star Fox 64 got the coolest strategy guide, so it’s the most canon.
  • Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: I’m not generally a fan of the Star Fox series, as I prefer my shoot ‘em ups to be 2-D, and the 3-D perspective somehow doesn’t work with my brain (I have a tendency to gauge distances wrong… and smash right into things. Sorry, Fox), but Star Fox 64 is my favorite of the franchise. Maybe I just like charging lasers? Or maybe it came out at just the right time to be the only game available on my only current system for a few months (thanks, N64!). Whatever the reason, this is the only Star Fox title that ever really clicked with me, and the 3DS version only makes it better. So time to pay, Andross!
  • Tanks a lot!Other Vehicles: This is also the first Star Fox game to get bored with Arwings, and introduce the tank and submarine. They’re both awful, and I hate them. I don’t understand how some videogames keep making tanks awful, but here we are.
  • For the ladies: Katt Monroe appears to be the only woman in this entire war. This would bother me more if I wasn’t dreadfully aware of what happens to women in the Star Fox fandom.
  • Did you know? If you battle Star Wolf more than once during an adventure, they will return with “battle damage” and cybernetic enhancements that presumably cover their many scars. And Wolf himself gets a pile of band-aids. Considering how furry that dude is, that has got to be painful.
  • Would I play again: Probably yes. Out of many Star Fox games, this one seems to be my one return engagement, and sticking it on a portable system doesn’t hurt. And I can punish a pig, which is always good.

What’s next? Random ROB… can be kind of funny sometimes. As you may be aware, I “roll” Random ROB pretty far in advance, and, by complete coincidence, it created its own theme week thanks to three sequential games that actually all work together well. So, next week we’ll start with Rocko’s Modern Life: Spunky’s Dangerous Day, and kick off TV Week, a week featuring games based on TV shows. Please look forward to it!

Off to the next adventure