Tag Archives: rockstar

FGC #587 Hannah Montana: Rock Out The Show

Yes, let us all rockHannah Montana: Rock Out The Show is an “Only on Playstation” PSP title that sees Disney’s Hannah Montana rock out a variety of shows. While Hannah is rocking, it is your job to dress her and her backup dancers, prepare the stage, and then press a series of random buttons so your star can rock as optimally as possible. It is a pretty straightforward example of a rhythm game, though there is a smattering of a plot with Hannah stuck planning on her own world tour while her dad reminds Disney lawyers that the man responsible for Achey Breaky Heart does not appear in videogames. And, since we have a plot going anyway, may as well act out a few “skits” that are similar in tone to the television series that made Hannah Montana a household name.

Actually… uh… sorry to show my whole ass here, but I’ve never seen an episode of Hannah Montana. I apologize! I wasn’t the right age for Disney Channel programming, and… Wait, sorry, that’s a lie. I watched a lot of Disney Channel shows, because I am a perpetual adolescent that will always be excited about fantastical adventures (for further evidence, please see the entire rest of this blog). I just didn’t watch any live action Disney Channel content. I have enough real life in my real life! I don’t need to be reminded of a grotesque world that looks like mine, but Corey is somehow in the house! So I missed Hannah Montana when it was new, and thus do not know if her taking a tour to Madagascar or Mumbai is supposed to be normal, funny, or ironic. Are these characters always so antagonistic to each other? Is the obvious and impending fratricide a normal part of the programming? I just don’t know!

However, I do know one thing, and that is that you can judge an artist by their songs pretty easily. I do not have the time to consume 98 episodes of content to determine whether this Lilly character is relevant to the overarching themes of the concept. But I can listen to the eleven songs included on this humble UMD. And, from listening to these eleven songs long enough to parse out some lyrics, it has been determined that Hannah Montana has four, evidently Disney-approved themes:

Hannah Montana Likes to Party!
Song examples:

  • Pumpin’ Up the Party
  • Let’s Get Crazy
  • We got the Party
  • Let’s Do This

FancyOkay, easy one! Hannah Montana is an entertainer grown in Nashville labs for the express purpose of entertaining teens and tweens (“tweens” are presumably teens that enjoy the comedic antics of Wario). And what does that age group love? Partying! So don’t worry, not-kids, Hannah Montana is here to help you party like a rock star! Well… a Disney approved rock star. You can’t get too cray-cray when Lord Mickey is watching.

So Hannah Montana has at least four songs that are “party songs”. They are party songs that are about as generic as possible (yes, Hannah, let us all “get loud” in an authority-approved way), but they are at least teen-appropriate with a number of references to adults not understanding (“parents might not understand”) while the rocking is happening. And, hey, the songs do actually rock! Or at least there’s a steady beat! These songs are more exciting than… uh… singing hymns? Surely you would not be allowed to rock this hard in the presence of a nun.

“Let’s Do This” also contains references to the artist wishing to invite the whole of the audience backstage for the rockin’ “real party” after the show. This neatly brings us to our next point…

Hannah Montana is Secretly Better than You
Song Examples:

  • Best of Both Worlds
  • Just Like You
  • Rock Star

Dance itSo this is apparently the “conflict” of Hannah Montana. Hannah Montana is a stage persona, but the “real” Hannah Montana is Miley Stewart, a normal teenage girl just like you or me! Wow! She’s a rock star, but also has to go to math class! She can be the best of both worlds!

And, like, that’s great for you, Hannah, but this boasting doesn’t have to be the focus of, like, half these songs. There is probably some wonderful wish fulfillment here for teens who want to experience that same “the best part is that you get to be whoever you want to be”, but you will note that these songs do not sing about the glories of finishing your English homework. They are all about “living the dream” and “signing autographs” and having “dreams come true” despite being “just like you”. She doesn’t want to be treated differently! Except maybe she can still go to lavish movie premieres!

Can’t you see I’m just an ordinary girl? Who may or may not have servants that dance for her personal amusement? You don’t? Wow, that sucks.

And the stated surprise of “Rock Star” is “I might even be a rock star,” which seems to denote that this secret life could be the secret of most anyone. It, ya know, isn’t, but the implication brings us to…

Hannah Montana is Downright Better than You
Song Examples:

  • I Got Nerve
  • Supergirl

Something about butterflies“Supergirl” seems to posit that you do not want to be a super girl like Hannah Montana. This clearly-not-a-kryptonian claims in an opening lyric that just because she is a star, it does not mean she gets whatever she wants when she snaps her fingers “just like that”. And that is likely true! But the rest of the song outlines how she is on the “covers of your magazines”, is the center of attention literally everywhere she goes, and is apparently a trendsetter in everything from fashion to leisure activities. She once again claims to be like you or I, immediately before noting that she is “super cool, super hot,” and whatever the hell “super super” is supposed to be.

The message is clear: Hannah Montana has deep feelings and bad days just like you or I, but she is also the center of the universe. Even in your wildest dreams, humble(d) listener, you will never reach the lofty, exalted position as The All-Hannah Montana.

And then there’s “I Got Nerve”, which could be a great “every girl” anthem about having the nerve to understand that anyone in Hannah’s audience could be someone that says “I know where I stand, I know how I am” and “gonna get what I deserve”. But it starts with “we haven’t met, and that’s okay, ‘cause you will be asking for me one day” and ends with a haunting refrain of “I’m what you want” and “what you need”, thus reminding you the listener that Hannah Montana is not “every girl”, she’s Supergirl. She is unique. She is special. You are… what was your name again? Anonymous Fan #67,163? Wow! That’s cool! Are you named after your grandma?

Hannah Montana is Every Woman
Song Examples:

  • Nobody’s Perfect
  • Life’s What You Make It

Keyboardists rock!Bah, perhaps this is all too cynical. It is not about identifying Hannah Montana as some inaccessible, marginally impossible goal of super stardom at the age of thirteen, it is about escapism. Nobody chastises anyone that enjoys Peter Parker and his secret identity as the Spectacular Sticky-Man, and Hannah Montana should not be judged like a “real person” just because Miley Cyrus actually is a real person that got to achieve the rock star dream before she was old enough to drive. It is unerringly contemptuous to interpret these anthems as musical arrogance.

And besides, you have songs like “Life’s What You Make It”, which plainly states that you can make life hard or a party, it’s all up to you! You can party with Hannah Montana, you just have to believe in the Hannah Montana in your heart! You decide! Your life is under your control! And “Nobody’s Perfect”, which has a distinct refrain about everybody making mistakes! Hannah Montana has to “work it again and again to make it right”, and that’s a good lesson for anyone! “Try again!” It works for pop idols and regular losers alike!

Hannah Montana is a celebrity, but she is also a teenage girl, just like her intended audience. She is as mundane and universal as her songs. She is not perfect. She is just a woman trying to make her life what she wants to make it.

And you can help her by watching her internationally broadcast show, buying her albums, playing her videogames, purchasing her officially licensed Sony Playstation Portable variant model…

FGC #587 Hannah Montana: Rock Out The Show

  • System: There are Hannah Montana games on other systems (mostly related to the movie), but this specific game is only on the PSP. Did it make the jump to the Vita? Only Miley’s brand manager knows for sure.
  • Number of players: You can share your performances with other players, so does that count as multiplayer? If not, it is just Hannah Montana singing alone.
  • World Tour: Hannah Montana starts in Nashville, but then travels to international locations like Mexico City, Venice, and Tokyo. Even if this is a non-canon adventure on top of a fictional show, I appreciate any time a “world tour” visits more locations than “everywhere in the United States, and London”.
  • Hardware: There is a solid pink PSP-3000 that was packaged with Hannah Montana: Rock Out the Show. To my knowledge, it was the only PSP-3000 that was distinctly “for the girls”. Also, it is the only PSP-3000 that I own.

    Also the sound you make for a cat

    What? I wanted something stylish for when I have to output my PSP games! Did you think I was emulating these things this whole time? Gitaroo Man does not deserve that.

  • A sign of the times: You can use your PSP’s online functionality to access the websites for Hannah Montana and Radio Disney! Yay! You would never be able to type those links in a browser on your own!
  • What’s in a name: Apparently Billy Ray Cyrus’s name on Hannah Montana is Robby Ray Stewart. I don’t know why this makes me laugh every single time.
  • Goggle Bob Fact: It is goddamned impossible to find the proper track list for this game anywhere online. I had to complete the whole story mode, and then transcribe the song names just to get this article started! The things I do for an article about a PSP game written to appeal to exactly no one, least of all the author!
  • WooooooDid you know? Apparently there is an episode of Hannah Montana that was pulled and repurposed in America because it upset the Children with Diabetes organization. The episode was titled “No Sugar, Sugar”, and was offensive thanks to its complete inability to portray diabetes in a remotely correct fashion. The episode did manage to air everywhere else in the world, though, and occasionally showed up in Disney syndication thanks to human error and/or the nefarious forces of Blubberman. Why does it still air in other countries, when its comments on diabetes are just as wrong outside the US? We may never know.
  • Would I play again: Is this a decent little rhythm game? Yes. Is it also entirely superfluous in the face of other, more modern videogames? Also yes. I will only play this game again if I want to revisit the fabulous world of Hannah Montana… which isn’t likely to happen ever again.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Disney’s Kim Possible: What’s the Switch?! It’s our final look at Disney nonsense, and it’s probably even more alienating to my audience than this Hannah Montana nonsense! Hooray! Please look forward to it!

It's vaguely funny
Okay, the little skits are somewhat charming

FGC #160 Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

WeeeGrand Theft Auto: San Andreas is the only Grand Theft Auto game I have ever played to completion. When this game came up on the FGC, my initial thought was to fire up the game and figure out exactly why. Then I, ya know, played the game, and, for all the reasons that I may have stayed glued to GTA:SA back in the day (conquering neighborhoods, “powerup progression”, or even just a tolerable plot), I realized the real reason I played GTA:SA so intensely was… cheats.

So, let’s look at the cheats of GTA:SA.

Incidentally, if you want the full cheat codes, go ahead and head over to Gamefaqs. I figure copy/pasting that one link is faster than blatantly copying all the inputs.

Instant $250,000, full health and armor

Ah, here’s the reason I finished this game. I’ve never liked the combat in GTA games, whether it involve fist-fighting, gun shooting, or katana slicing. The aiming system improved for San Andreas, but, seriously, I have never seen a franchise that was so successful with a series of protagonists that controlled so poorly. Yes, driving is the meat and potatoes of this series, but anytime you have to truck through a building and avoid gunfire… ugh… I’d rather take a nap in a lava bed.

However, with the cheat that effectively guaranteed infinite health, I was able to bulldoze those aggravating sections with the grace of a rhino (but with twice the armor). C.J.’s enemies never knew what hit them… or maybe they knew, but were less than willing to admit they were fighting some kind of immortal gangbanger. … Blacula would make an excellent videogame hero, come to think of it.

The rest of the cheats in this game make the experience more enjoyable, but this is the cheat that kept me (and C.J.) alive.

Spawn a Jetpack

VrooomAnd now for everything else. GTA:SA is kind of a terrible game in a lot of ways. For one, super obvious thing, checkpoints are practically nonexistent, and if a mission takes twenty minutes to “get there”, and your car mysteriously implodes ten seconds into the actual gameplay, well, tough noogies, it’s time to drive all over the countryside again. This has never been fun.

However, flying back to the mission marker via jetpack? That’s something I can endorse.

If memory serves, there are either no real jetpacks over the course of the game proper, or there’s approximately one, and it’s hidden in a secret spot in an air force base or something. This is absurd, because, obviously, there’s no finer way to zoom around San Andreas, or, barring that, pretend you’re the Rocketeer, and search for errant zeppelins. This jetpack isn’t perfect, as sometimes you want something a little bigger…

All Boats Fly

Oh, wait. Yes, that’ll do.

All Traffic Lights Stay Green

I was just recounting how videogames run by their own rules, and nobody gets a bonus for heeding traffic signals in GTA, but apparently AIs that live in GTA universes pay attention to the rules of the road, even when a capricious player destroys those rules. GTA:SA feels like the last GTA game where causing mayhem was the be all and end all, and it even includes these “little things” like watching every NPC slam into every other NPC. Oh, speaking of mayhem…

Max Fat or Max Muscle or Max Sex Appeal or Max Skinny or Max Wanted Level

BANGGrand Theft Auto 3 and its silent protagonist made a concentrated effort to make the player identify with the psychopath asked to kill thirty random pedestrians by the strange man on the other side of the pay phone. C.J. of GTA:SA is much more his own character: a man betrayed by the normal rules of society and, eventually, even the love of his companions. C.J. has hopes, dreams, and maybe a solid green suit, and his existence is very different from the tabula rosa of GTA3.

I’m not completely certain how I feel about this change, as it creates a weird disconnect from the insanity of the game itself. You’re not causing the chaos, its C.J. You’re not stomping a hooker to death, it’s C.J. You’re not seducing some random nurse for hot coffee/powerups, it’s C.J. It feels vaguely dishonest for a game that revels in its havoc to so totally detach the player from the avatar, and this trend only grows in scope as the series progresses (GTA5 arguably being the peak where the “crazy guy” is presented as an option and not the inevitable norm).

That said, I feel it’s this disconnect between player and protagonist that occasionally turns me into a vengeful god.

C.J. is just out for a stroll, taking his favorite uzis for a walk. And, whoops, for no apparent reason, he’s the most wanted man on the continent. His first impulse is to book it to the nearest vehicle, but, uh-oh, now he inexplicably weighs 300 lbs. And, a few steps later, all of his muscle mass has evaporated. As he desperately pushes his overtaxed heart to the breaking point and wedges himself into a nearby cab, he suddenly shrinks down to anorexic proportions… and that’s about when the tank shows up.

It’s going to be a long day for C.J.…

Spawn a Stretch Limo or Jump 10 times higher

And sometimes I am a caring god, and give C.J. everything he ever wanted.

All Pedestrian are Elvis, Clowns, Beach Goers, or Hookers

HOT DOG!Who doesn’t like a change of pace? “Pedestrians” in GTA games are a strange lot, as they pretty much have to be there to make all this carnage “mean” something, but, conversely, they’re… nothing. Cops and gang members are one thing, but pedestrians pretty much exist only to run away screaming and occasionally provide “witty” (Rockstar level witty) dialogue. Other than that, they’re mobile speed bumps. I’m having a hard time thinking of something in another videogame that is so simultaneously essential and useless.

Pedestrians get an upgrade when you can at least laugh at the fact that you forgot to turn a random code off. Oh, cool, it’s Elvis. There’s another Elvis. Oh and… right, yes, Elvis code. Never before has my lack of memory been such a boon! And the codes that randomly transform the populace (and C.J.!) into beach bums, sex addicts, or clown sex addicts (assumed) are ideal for when you feel like crusin’ San Andreas and getting your pie on. Okay, fine, there isn’t a crème pie weapon, but a Bozo tossing a Molotov is pretty much the same thing, right?

All Vehicles Explode on Contact

WHAMMOAside from the already mentioned Health Code, this would be the cheat I enter every single time. There’s something damn satisfying about absolutely everything exploding in your wake, whether you’re driving a hot dog truck or a hovercraft. I realize it’s a cliché to invoke the good name of Michael Bay, but it is damn fulfilling to be responsible for more explosions than Alfred Nobel. Some people just want to watch the GTA world burn…

As an added bonus, you may enter this code, and then attempt to drive the streets of San Andreas “for real”. Carefully drive at thirty miles an hour, stop at every traffic light, and… every time you mess up, something explodes. It’s just like real life, if everything in real life was made of nitroglycerin.

Bonus points if you’re driving an ambulance.

Weather Cloudy

Well, not every cheat can be interesting.

FGC #160 Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

  • System: Playstation 2 is what I played for this review and what I’ll always remember, but the game also wound up on Xbox, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Playstation 4, and wasn’t there a cell phone version or something? That had to be terrible.
  • Number of players: There’s only room for one king of San Andreas.
  • Hot Coffee: Does anyone even recall the “hot coffee” debacle? Remember how it was found that you could hack sex scenes into GTA:SA because the designers had wisely decided to drop that asinine feature People are going to have to diebefore release? And because of some random hackers, GTA:SA had to be sold with an “Adults Only” sticker and be completely recalled? Shouldn’t such a thing have had more of an impact on gaming history?
  • Favorite Vehicle: Why don’t tanks have radios? This seems like a major design flaw.
  • The Air up There: It’s kind of sad that I played GTA5 and then replayed GTA:SA to confirm one thing: Rockstar has no idea how to make plane controls “work”. Maybe it’s just me, but I can never steer a plan effectively in a GTA game, and nothing has improved across sequels. Granted, I’ve never flown an actual plane, so maybe it’s just too real for me. Either that or I am a living tree magnet…
  • Did you know? Hot Coffee gets all the attention, but a skateboard was also cut from the final game. Apparently, the skateboard would have worked like a combination vehicle/weapon, allowing C.J. to scoot along or wallop an officer with the board itself. This eventually got recycled into Bully, where it feels slightly more appropriate.
  • Would I play again: I had a lot of fun with Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but everything I liked about it got magnified by 100% and transformed into later Saint’s Row games, so that’s where my current allegiances lie. They made cheats an integral part of the experience!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Athena for the NES! Speaking of vengeful gods, let’s take a look at a mostly-naked one! Please look forward to it!

Weeeeeee
I’m an excellent driver

FGC #048 Space Station Silicon Valley

The Grand TourSpace Station Silicon Valley is a fun, unique game. Released for the N64 in the Fall of ’98, SSSV is the singular tale of Evo the robot (and his useless partner, Danger Dan) crashing into a space age amusement park populated with robotic animals. Evo lost his body in the crash, so he must commandeer various ani-bots to fight, jump, and puzzle his way across the station. A variety of habitats are available, so Evo may become a turbo-boosting fox in the meadows, or a jet-powered penguin in the snowy valleys. The huge range of animals offers a different challenge and experience with every level, and a few “bonus stages” even allow for an eclectic mix of gameplay options, like a faux-first person shooter tour or robo-racing. And, for an absolutely cathartic final stage, Evo reclaims his original body and stomps around vaporizing fifty of so of the animal buggers. Who’s the top of the food chain, now!?

If you’re a frequent reader of my musings, you’d probably expect that down in the random bullet points section, I would, not for the first time, lament the fact that this is a N64 game, and thus butt-ugly and about as appropriate for modern gaming as Atari Pitfall. “There’s good gameplay here,” I’d grieve, “And a fun story with interesting locales, but it’s terribly dated, and about one controller pak away from being completely unbearable.” Then I’d probably make a bear-pun, maybe something involving “kuma shock!”, and beg for a remake: a version of this game that looks like it at least was rendered with more than six polygons, and maybe support for a controller that was intended for more than one game. Please, someone bring Space Station Silicon Valley into the modern era, so a whole new generation can experience the joy of polar bear tanks!

Or… not.

Sad truth: I absolutely do not want to see Space Station Silicon Valley sullied with modern sensibilities, because I know who would be responsible, and I’m pretty sure it would end poorly.

Looks like funSpace Station Silicon Valley was developed by DMA Design. Never heard of them? That’s okay, they were gobbled up in a couple of company sales and eventually got rolled into being… Rockstar North. Ever heard of them? Yeah, they’re the guys that make Grand Theft Auto, and the DMA Design team that specifically worked on SSSV was the same group that was assigned to Grand Theft Auto III, the game that effectively created an entire genre and turned everyone at Rockstar into a bunch of… rockstars.

There’s a pretty clear through-line from SSSV to GTA3, too. Jacking cars is not terribly dissimilar from jacking robot animal bodies, and the way the gameplay hops around from action run ‘n gun to required racing to now let’s have a fighting tournament for some reason is a staple of both games. There’s also the collectathon aspect, wherein both games put a heavy emphasis on finding a seemingly infinite number of whatevers in any given area. It doesn’t matter if it’s energy cores or graffiti tags, the designers want you to explore every last nook and cranny of these 3-D worlds, and you better whip out that magnifying glass if you want the coveted 100%. Huh. It’s kind of funny to notice that one of the most OCD requirements of contemporary gaming had its origin distinctly on the N64.

Then there’s the other clear link between the two games: their sense of humor. Before I go any further, I want to note that I am well aware that humor is subjective. What’s funny to you might not be funny to me, and vice versa. We all have facebook feeds, and we all have at least one friend who is constantly posting, I don’t know, an image macro that says “President? More like Kenya-dent! LOL!”. Yes, someone is laughing at that, and, despite how much you or I may find it dumb, racist, a bar so low a cockroach could vault it, or all of the above, there’s still a larger than anyone would care to admit demographic that eats that stuff up with a fork. By the same token, I am physically incapable of watching an episode of Rick and Morty without laughing hysterically, while there’s a (Nielson proven) group of people that wouldn’t bother with the show for longer than a few moments. These… well, I suppose I should still call them people… people exist, and I know I shouldn’t judge them on what they do or do not enjoy, but I know what I like, and, like any human being, I want to see more of what I like, because I am a gigantic narcissist. Keep that in mind as I say this…

Have a napI don’t think the people behind Grand Theft Auto understand humor. Or, to be more precise, I don’t think the people who write GTA’s dialogue, plot, and characters understand humor.

There is a lot that is funny in the 3-D Grand Theft Auto games. I played GTA: San Andreas until I could map out CJ’s neighborhood better than my own, and found a pile of humorous situations across that fake California. One of my fondest memories in gaming involves a morbidly obese man in a pimp suit attempting to escape the police with only a bicycle and a rocket launcher. It started out as a simple workout routine and it… escalated. Also, who cares about the hot coffee, the best part of any date is arriving at your beau’s house via jet dressed as a gimp, and none of the neighbors bat an eye (maybe because last week you showed up in a battered tank).

But the cutscenes? The actual intended story of the GTA series? Ugh, forget it. Yes, there is occasionally a funny line or observation from one of the characters, but most of the time, it’s just a gauntlet of “jokes” that weren’t funny the first time stretched to absurd lengths. Here’s a new character, and his defining trait is… he’s a chronic masturbator. Oh boy! Masturbation is funny, right? Hope you enjoy constant references to masturbation in the background of every scene from here on, because that’s going to happen! More recent GTA games seem even worse, diving its “humorous” edge into a sea of hateful stereotypes and privilege-induced condescension. Mocking Trevor is fine by me, as he’s a complete lunatic and self-imposed sadist, but every joke involving Franklin includes a healthy tinge of “boy, it sucks to be poor and black”, which, while accurate, seems less like it’s elucidating an issue and more like exploiting an entire downtrodden demographic for the amusement of people that can afford hundreds of dollars in video game equipment. And then there’s Michael, whose entire character for much of the game is, “here’s a badass, but he’s henpecked and disrespected”. This point is driven home ad nauseam by his wife and teenage children in his “whacky” home life, and that… it’s supposed to be funny, right? Because if it’s not a jape, then it’s just a MRA manifesto acted out for an audience of over ten million, and that would be horrifying.

Space Station Silicon Valley doesn’t have problems anywhere near that ghastly, but it does have the prototype of that same sort of lack of confidence in the inherent humor of the game itself. Look, randomly robotically enhanced rodents are going to be funny all on their own. A fox pulls out a turbo booster, or a hippo craps landmines, and you’re going to be amused. It might not be completely laugh out loud funny, but it’s “funny”, no need to elbow me in the gut with a huge gasser like, oh ho ho, here’s a guy stuck in a toilet.

He died in horrible agony!  It's funny!

Yep, that’s a guy stuck in a toilet. That’s… funny… I guess? Alright, it’s just a cute thing to find, no big deal.

GET IT!?!

And here’s the good ol’ double entendre. See, the evil brain in a jar wants Evo’s body to live in, not for anything lewd. But you could interpret it either way! Haha! Funny joke, everybody laughs.

And, in its way, this is why Space Station Silicon Valley works. Yes, it has some of the groaners that would eventually infest the GTA franchise, but they’re quick, one-and-done affairs. They don’t dominate entire scenes, they don’t become endless running gags squeezed into a forty hour experience, and they don’t define entire characters in lieu of actual characterization. Actually, Action Dan is pretty much entirely just a joke based on a hero being incredibly lazy, ineffective, and cowardly; but he only really opens his mouth for mission briefings, so he’s more like a snarky narrator than anything else.

RACISMThat’s why I don’t want to see Space Station Silicon Valley revisited. In its current incarnation, it’s charming and goofy and just a fun game to play. With a little retooling, and adding modern conveniences like voice acting and expanded “running narration” during the levels, it would get old very fast. In an odd way, the Event Horizon-esque framing device for SSSV isn’t that different from the typical “last survivor” narratives of games like Bioshock, but the idea of finding “funny” audio recordings while traipsing around as a boxing kangaroo… No. Just no.

I’ll deal with janky graphics and jankier controllers, just keep a thousand lame 69 references off this space station.

FGC #48 Space Station Silicon Valley

  • System: N64. Though, in Europe, there was also a Playstation and Gameboy Color release. The GBC release was 2-D and absolutely appalling, while the PSX version was pretty similar to the original and retitled Evo’s Space Adventures. Also, the PSX version retained the Blue/Green gauges that corresponded to the Blue/Green buttons of the N64… but made no sense in the land of squares and crosses.
  • Number of Players: One Evo. Action Dan doesn’t even get out of his chair.
  • Favorite Animal: Jetpack Emperor Penguin is best penguin.
  • ZOOOOMA sign of things to dumb: Another indication that this was made by proto-Rockstar North? It’s glitchy as all get out, complete with making the final bonus area impossible to access because some trophies are literally unattainable. There’s also, of course, random clipping issues with falling through floors and walls, and game freezing issues tied to random events. All seems really familiar to someone who was once crushed by an inexplicably flying tank.
  • And also: Rockstar North has never understood checkpoints. Ever.
  • So, what’s a game with an ideal sense of humor? I never completely finished Grand Theft Auto V. I platinumed Saint’s Row 4. That should tell you about everything you need to know.
  • A Rare problem: When Rare Replay was released recently, I saw a few different people lament the fact that this game was not on the collection. The reason for this was, obviously, Rare had nothing to do with this game, but I can see where someone might be confused, as it does seem to have that same collectathon/pointy polygons aesthetic that permeated a number of Rare N64 games.
  • Did you know? The final stage of this game features Evo being reconstructed into a complete killing machine, but his abilities and armor are determined by how many “useless” collectibles you grabbed over the course of the game. I’m pretty sure there is absolutely nothing in the game that overtly states this, though, so if the final stage seems way too difficult, it might not be your subpar action skills, but your subpar searching skills in every other level. Have fun replaying the entire game!
  • Would I play again? On the rare occasions I’m in a N64 mood, this game has been known to resurface. With a completed save file, it’s fun to choose a random level/animal combination, and just have fun with it. Sometimes a drag racing rat is all you need.

What’s Next? Random ROB has chosen… Fester’s Quest for the NES. You can’t hear it, but I’m snapping my fingers right now. I’m really good at it! Not so good at the game… Oh well. Please look forward to it!