Tag Archives: tron bonne

FGC #620 The Incredible Crash Dummies

Learning!Let’s look at the history of The Incredible Crash Dummies, and how they are enormously relevant today.

Cars are amazing. Much like the common copier, a car is a normal part of daily life for many people, but something that would be impossible science fiction a couple centuries back. An automobile is a device that an individual personally owns, and allows said individual to turn a trip that would previously take weeks into a handful of hours. Want to transport groceries from the market? Go on a road trip? Steal a couch from your neighbor? A car makes it all possible!

Cars are also rolling murder machines.

Automobiles are terrifying. They are gigantic hunks of plastic and metal that we routinely hurl through our neighborhoods at speeds that could turn a human being into bloody chunks. Statistically, automobiles are one of the leading causes of unintended death and injury in the United States, with 37,595 motor vehicle deaths in 2019. And, while the US has experienced less motor vehicle death since 1999, there has been an alarming trend of that number ticking back up since 2009. Did we lose some driving skill points with the Obama administration? Are people returning to more reckless driving after watching Gerard Butler’s Gamer? Can we blame “self-driving” cars that have demonstrated a Christine-esque bloodlust? The world may never know. What is important is that cars are helpful and an incredibly likely way for you or a loved one to die/be seriously injured.

But maybe it won’t be so bad if you wear a seatbelt. I learned that from some dummies.

This is gonna hurtThe National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is a US Federal Agency that is ultimately responsible for vehicle safety standards. Like many American institutions, it is three lobbyists in a trench coat claiming they are working for the public good (and they’re totally old enough to buy beer, too, mister). The NHTSA was founded back when America had a three company monopoly on the very concept of cars, and has often been responsible for legislation that punished companies both foreign and domestic for attempting to gain a foothold that might make Henry Ford cry. Look up some details on the Citroën SM sometime if you’d like to see how the safest car ever™ can apparently be torpedoed by headlights. But, even if their motives are suspect in many situations, people at the NHTSA are firmly in the business of safety, so we have those proud men and women to thank for less cars immediately immolating their passengers. Oh! And seatbelts! The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration was practically founded to get seatbelts around your tummy.

Legislation made seatbelts mandatory on all cars produced after 1966. Then Reagan (naturally) dropped ‘em in a fit of deregulation. But they came back shortly thereafter, as the Supreme Court sided with insurance companies that wanted seatbelts in all cars (for altruistic purposes, I’m sure). New York then became the first state to require seatbelts to actually be worn in 1985. From there, other states quickly followed suit, and now New Hampshire is the only lawless hovel in the USA where seatbelts are optional. But as important as laws are, they are only as good as their enforcers. A seatbelt law is great for pulling someone over for the slimmest of reasons, but there were also many cops that, having grown up in a seatbelt-less environment, thought the law literally wasn’t worth enforcing. Seatbelts were and are a greater good for society and vehicle passengers… but they were kinda uncomfortable, and nobody likes being told what to do. It’s impossible to say if it’s bad or not.

Enter the crash test dummies.

COMMENCE LEARNINGIn 1986, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration began running public service announcements featuring crash test dummies. Where did they come from? Well, in 1869, Mary Ward was killed by a steam-powered car. 60 years later, someone decided to look into that, so Wayne State University of Detroit started seeing dead people as test cadavers in controlled car crashes. Unfortunately, measuring what the heck was going on was practically impossible with the tools available in 1930, so things were rough. But it did work in some fashion, as much of what we know about car design safety and bodies being ejected through windshields comes from this era. Look it up! It’s in The Journal of Trauma! Which is a real thing! There were also animal test subjects for a time, too, because humans are the trashiest animals of all. But at some point in there, people stopped strapping corpses and bears (!) into cars, and the crash test dummy became standard. The dummy was apparently first used in 1949, and technology on assessing exactly how damaged a dummy could be by a crash gradually progressed as the decades passed. And, as the crash test dummy became an iconic part of car crashes, someone had the bright idea to stick those dummies out in front of a camera. Vince and Larry (voiced by Garfield!) were born, and their slapstick hijinks lasted as long as a normal commercial, and they taught everyone “you could learn a lot from a dummy”.

And, while it is hard to measure the success of the Crash Test Dummies campaign, they were apparently effective. The dummies were ubiquitous in the old days of limited television channels/entertainment options. It seems certain that they aired these PSAs in conjunction with family-oriented programing, so if mom, dad, grandma, and Jimmy Jr. were sitting down to watch Head of the Class or Designing Women, the Crash Test Dummies would be a part of the experience. And they were entertaining! If you heard Vince and Larry talking about mundane-but-inevitably-fatal tasks like crossing the street or driving down to the store, you kept your butt in your seat, and watched the carnage unfold. At the time when the official campaign was retired in 1999, seatbelt usage had risen from 21% to 67%. Was this because people had learned a lot from these dummies? Or was it because children loved the toyline?

Because who could say no to this weirdo?

Colors are real
(Bomb Man and Tron Bonne provided for scale)

The Incredible Crash Test Dummies was an action figure line that combined the two things boys like most: vehicles and wanton destruction. Every Crash Test Dummy vehicle was built to be driven, destroyed, and then immediately rebuilt. And these were not Lego-esque construction toys, they were cars with crash-apart windows, crumple zones, and other fun features designed to break (and instantly unbreak). Everything scaled very nicely with other toy lines (if you want to see a GI Joe live through a generally harrowing experience, go nuts), and the actual figures had neat features, too (Vince and Larry can really go to pieces at the drop of a hat). There were even “little buddy” style figures, like the cat, dog, and crash test child that parents demanded be banned. So there’s a collector’s market, too! Hooray! They were never on the same tier as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Power Rangers, but the Incredible Crash Test Dummies must have had enough of a fanbase to sustain three different seasons of toys.

Oh, and a few videogames. They… existed.

Here we goTechnically, today’s chosen game is The Incredible Crash Test Dummies for the Super Nintendo. This version was ported to the Sega Genesis, Amiga, and other systems that did not have the wherewithal to host Chrono Trigger. There was also a Nintendo Entertainment System version, and that more or less played like a primitive sports title/minigame collection, and it was ported to the portables of the time. What ties these two versions together is that they were all absolutely terrible games. The NESalikes at least consistently reminded you that you were playing with crash test dummies, and practically every event involved some kind of slapstick carnage. The SNESalikes, however, were simply 16-bit mascot platformers (from the people that brought you B.O.B.), and were practically indistinguishable from the rest of the poorly considered dreck of the time. There is the charm point of the dummies losing their limbs as they lose health, but that doesn’t impact the gameplay nearly as much as you would think. Beyond that, there is a P-Balloon-esque powerup that encourages some limited flight-through-inflation… and that’s about it. This could easily be Swift the Tenrec racing against the nefarious Dr. Walrus, because no one would notice the difference if the Incredible Crash Test Dummies license was missing from The Incredible Crash Test Dummies game.

But there is a plot to the SNES version! And that plot is surprisingly germane to today’s point (we’ll get there eventually).

The Incredible Crash Dummies toy line initially featured Vince and Larry, the same dummies from the public service announcements. However, shortly after the toys were initially produced, parents began protesting the toy line, and networks stopped airing the PSAs. The reason? It was assumed that the PSAs were now serving the dual masters of public health and turning a profit. Every ad that told you to buckle your safety belt was inadvertently also informing children they could go buy The Incredible Crash Test Dummies merch down at K B Toys. This was seen as a bad thing by the public at large, so the toy line was made more distinct from the PSA characters. Vince and Larry kept on informing the public of the dangers of hugging windshields, and colorswaps took over as Slick and Spin. From there, Slick and Spin gained Pro-Tek Suits, as they had to combat their new enemies: the Junkbots! And those Junkbots barely looked like Crash Test Dummies! How convenient! This prompted a Saturday Morning Special/VHS Tape that told the (computer generated) tale of how the Crash Test Dummies must stop the nefarious Junkbots from stealing a really kicky vest or something. This same story/conflict became the plot of the Super Nintendo game, and now you too can battle the Junkbots and all their rad playsets and toys. Nobody likes youAnd never shall a Junkbot interact with Vince and Larry, else the safety of Crash Test Dummies implode. In short, whatever initial plans for The Incredible Crash Test Dummies line ever existed were seriously derailed the minute it seemed like the toys might endanger the successful PSA campaign.

And I am just trying to understand a world where a capitalistic campaign to make money off children is derailed and modified for the sake of public safety. Christ, I cannot even imagine that anymore.

You want Angry Ranting Goggle Bob? Sure, let’s do this. I lived through a number of significant events in recent American history. I remember when we were first supposed to hate Iraq, and I remember when we were asked to do that all over again a few years later with a similarly named president. I remember when 9/11 happened, and we were told to “never forget” the deaths of 2,996 people. I remember friggin’ freedom fries. And why do I mention any of these tragedies? Because they became focused, national campaigns demanding compliance. There is not a single person on Earth that ever heard of a law renaming a condiment due to political pressure, but, somehow, for six months, all the local restaurants employed servers that asked if you wanted “Catalina dressing” instead of “French”. Forget the crash test dummies, I have seen ridiculously successful advertising campaigns that benefitted only the US Government my entire life, and the public at large doesn’t even recognize such as propaganda. Or, put another way, next time someone shouts “America is Number One!” go ahead and ask them to name their sources. And, no, “freedom” is not an answer.

But this is not to say the United States of America is terrible! It is simply an affirmation that when the federal government wants something to be the standard for the country, they don’t need to make a law. All they need to do is pump the ubiquitous media with interview after interview about how something is our “enemy” or some ambiguous-but-vital goal is “impossible if we don’t all work together”. We all need to go to the mall right now, or the terrorists win.

Jumpin' AroundYet, now that there is a public health emergency that is likely to cause us to confirm how many people over a million you need to see dead before you start using a plural, the government cannot get its messaging straight. Killing Middle Eastern people was the only way we were ever going to ever be happy again, but getting a vaccine? Put that in the maybe column. Wear a mask? No, that might offend some customers that think this Applebee’s staff is somehow dirty. Actually close some goddamned stores because the risk of a localized outbreak will have a greater impact on society than Cletus buying his 256th Funko Pop? Never! Our government has never had a problem taking a bold, unwavering stance on the subject of massive, coordinated death, but when it comes to public health, everybody is shrugging and claiming personal choice is important. Nobody was talking about “personal choice” when the local donut shop was being vandalized every week after 9/11, Joe!

And this pisses me off after the last two years: Where are the Crash Test Dummies for COVID? I understand that Lorenzo Music might not be available for dubbing, but can we get a few decent voice actors to voice the… I don’t know… Mask Buddies? Some kind of ad that runs between Hulu reruns that promotes public health in the slightest bit? And not some “we’re all in this together” commercial to get you to go to Starbucks? The original Incredible Crash Test Dummies were a successful PSA and toy line! And videogame! That was awful! But still! You can do this! You can save lives and make a couple of bucks! I know you can do it, America! You have literally done it before!

Listen to this dummy. You could learn a lot from the past.

FGC #620 The Incredible Crash Dummies

  • Battle all our playsets and toys!System: There was a full system breakdown during the article, so I will just reiterate that we’re focused on the Super Nintendo version today. Will I look at other ports? Absolutely not.
  • Number of players: This really should be two players, as Crash Test Dummies come in pairs. But no dice. Sorry.
  • Level Up: Your main offensive ability is jumping on your opponents, ala Super Mario Bros. But! You can also throw a limited-ammo spanner of some kind as a projectile. And it gets better as you defeat more bosses! Or… it is supposed to… or… something… as it mostly just gets “stronger” by flying in loop-de-loops or other bizarre patterns. Like a lot in this game, it is a choice.
  • Favorite Boss: It is hard to say how much this was influenced by the already toyetic movie, but it seems like the bosses were exclusively chosen to sell the vehicles offered by the toyline. And I’m okay with that! I have been fighting the Technodrome for years! The final boss is the best, as his morphing truck adapts the whole “build whatever” aspect of the Junkbots canon. Oh, but all the bosses are absolutely terrible to fight, because of horrendous hit detection, so you won’t ever see the final boss anyway.
  • Bonus Time: Every boss is immediately followed by a Turbo Tunnel-esque bonus stage wherein you are forced to ram your dummy into a wall with as much speed as possible. For this being the “bonus” of playing an Incredible Crash Test Dummies videogame, you would expect they would maybe put a little effort into parts flying everywhere, or possibly our favorite dummy saying something cute as he is ejected. Nope! Just dumb explosion graphics. Lame.
  • Away we go!Stage End: Every level ends with a spinning “Next Zone” sign, and your dummy rolling into a ball to eject off to parts unknown. That seems weirdly familiar for a 16-bit platformer….
  • Goggle Bob Fact: So I made reference to a local donut shop being vandalized during the article. This is seriously in reference to my college days. Immediately after 9/11, the local donut shop was run by a Pakistani dude who actually did have his 24/7 coffee/donut shop vandalized, like, all the time. This led to the situation wherein my friends and I, completely unaware of this, showed up one night at 3 AM for coffee and donuts, because we were, ya know, bored college students. The owner had a bat at the ready when we arrived, because he assumed we were there to rob and/or vandalize the place (admittedly, we did have multiple tall people with a post-Matrix inclination toward trench coats). It was a confusingly tense situation! Mostly because half our party was high as hell, and had a really hard time understanding what was happening! After we explained that we mostly just had the munchies, the guy calmed down, and we all had coffee and donuts and talked about how much it sucks that so many people were so reactively racist all of a sudden. And I want to say that, barring the premiere of the Justice League cartoon/Gamecube (we were nerds), we came back there and hung out with the guy every weekend that semester. After a few months, hostilities seemed to die down, he stopped personally working the night shift, and we went back to dealing with whoever was making minimum wage for corralling geeks on the graveyard shift. But the point is: don’t let anyone tell you the time after 9/11 was a time of “national unity”. It was only a time of national unity for people that didn’t have to protect their businesses and homes with baseball bats.
  • Did you know? Yes, actual bears were used as crash test dummies at one point in history. This is inhumane and marginally insane (do you know anyone built like a bear? … I mean… a real bear). But it did mean that, for some short epoch, bear was driving. And how can that be?
  • Would I play again: No. This is… No. B.O.B. might get a play first, and that’s horrible.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Pokémon Legends: Arceus! Completely random that yet another Pokémon game appears on this blog! Maybe a Castlevania will be next! Anyway, please look forward to it!

This is someone's fetish

FGC #611 The Misadventures of Tron Bonne

nice airplaneThis was Mega Man’s last chance to be a contender, but now Mega Man will always only be Mega Man.

For those of you that do not follow the career of our favorite super fighting robot, Mega Man has gone through several permutations throughout the years. He started as the simple Mega Man, but already graduated to being the “spirit” of (separate) Mega Man X six years later. From there, Mega Man has gone through many different versions and spin off franchises. Some of these franchises were further explorations of “original” Mega Man gameplay (Mega Man Zero somersaults to mind as an example), while other offshoots used familiar iconography in conjunction with wholly unique situations (Mega Man Battle Network… oddly enough, often releasing simultaneously with Mega Man Zero). But whatever the situation, you could count on Mega Man running, jumping, and shooting his way to victory.

… Except when he was hosting a board game. Or racing a go kart. Or that one time he wound up in a bad SEGA CD-esque anime “super” adventure…

There was a hot minute in Capcom’s history when the likes of Super Joe or Captain Commando were intended to be the Mario of the brand. But, somewhere in there, Mega Man became the de facto face of a business that was almost immediately synonymous with gaming. Mega Man! The little robot that blinks! And it was not just a matter of Capcom promoting its blue bomber; Mega Man appeared as a regular on Captain N: The Game Master, too! Complete with a Nintendo Power covers, Mega Man was extraordinarily popular in his salad days.

Oh blast itAnd, as one would expect, this meant Mega Man became involved in several experimental titles. Mega Man could always be relied on to show up every Christmas with a handful of Robot Masters to rob and/or obliterate, but did you know that Japan saw Rock Board, featuring Mega Man’s two feuding daddies playing boardgames? Or that time Mega Man had to rely on soccer to defeat Dr. Wily? And once we got past the Super Nintendo, the Playstation proved to be the console generation that saw Mega Man experimenting the most. Mega Man: Battle & Chase was Mega’s chance at a kart racer, and Super Adventure Rockman saw Rock starring in his own FMV/anime challenge. We also saw two Mega Man quasi-fighting games in the arcades during this era (finally! You can play as Duo!), and, as the Playstation gave way to the Playstation 2, the obscure Rock Strategy appeared on Asian PCs. Mega Man got around at the turn of the millennium, all while his “traditional” action gameplay had three different flavors immediately available. How should Capcom fill your cup? Mega Man Classic, dark and frothy Mega Man X, or the newest hotness, the legendary Mega Man Dash?

Back in its prime, we had no idea Mega Man Dash/Legends would only ever see three entries. Two of these titles were the straightforward Mega Man Legends and Mega Man Legends 2, which both featured running, jumping, and exploring a world that would be very comfortable including a Duff McWhalen or Doc Robot. But the second title released in this quasi-trilogy, The Misadventures of Tron Bonne, included running, jumping, and… a robot management simulator? And a puzzle game? And some light gambling? Wait, did I just see a rogue-like sneak into the background? What is going on here!?

STAY OUTIn more ways than one, it is clear that The Misadventures of Tron Bonne was intended to be the experimental offshoot of the already fairly experimental Mega Man Legends. While Mega Man Legends went out of its way to confirm that this was the next generation for our blue hero, his “sister” Roll, and quasi-father Beard Guy, TMoTB barely made the most token of efforts to confirm it existed within the Mega Man universe. 8-Bit Mega Man appears in a random easter egg cameo, and… that’s it. No Dr. Wily boat rental here, and the concept of “Mega Man Legends” is barely even acknowledged on anything but the box copy. Beyond that, this is a story starring Tron Bonne and her family (characters introduced exclusively for Mega Man Legends) before they encountered our third favorite Mega Man. All characters outside the family, whether they be allies, villains, or frenemy police officers, are wholly new and were created exclusively for this adventure. And, give or take visual connection between Glyde and Glide.exe, none of these characters ever received so much as an echo in other Mega Man materials. The Misadventures of Tron Bonne is an island onto itself that was never truly revisited again in a franchise that has lasted to this day.

And that’s a damn shame, as once The Misadventures of Tron Bonne gets going, it fires on absolutely every cylinder available. Entire sections are given over to block puzzles, and said puzzles are careful, fun, and thoughtful. Meanwhile, “let’s rob a bank” or “let’s steal all the cows” are exaggerated bits of buffoonery where the action immediately feeds into the exact level of chaos you need when you can chuck whole trees at houses. The weakest segments are the “RPG dungeon” levels, which drag as you wait for your lil’ servbots to stop being squished, flaming casualties long enough to hit a switch or open a treasure chest. But even there, the NPCs of these caves are entertaining and memorable, and, give or take a quiz champ that should be left to die in a forgotten grotto, every “person” in these events could stand to survive to see the Battle Network franchise. Maybe they could control TediousMan.exe? Of course, even those RPG bits remind you that the “action segments” are king here, as every RPG boss is a matter of properly strafing around an arena and targeting servbots at the right weak point. Additionally, the opening and final segments of the whole game are both 100% examples of “action bits”, so, sorry if you really excelled at block shuffling, you need more active abilities to see Ms. Tron save the day.

GET ME OUT OF HEREOr… maybe that isn’t completely accurate. The final battle is a fight like practically any other standard Mega Man title with patterns to recognize and weapons to utilize; but there is one significant difference: levels. Your final matchup is fought not by Tron, but her favorite servbot. And said servbot can be a complete weakling or a daring master of bazookas. What makes the difference? You are responsible for “raising” the servbots between other events, and their levels are wholly dependent on the amount of love, care, and torture you shower on your minifigs. This means that, if you ever want to succeed in this world of airpirates battling other airpirates, you must engage in some light Tamagotchi gameplay to keep your army growing apace with your pocketbook. It’s an action game! It’s a simulation! And if you overlook either side of the equation, you’ll be no more successful than a JRPG player that ignores every town’s equipment shop. You have to remember to upgrade your g(G)ear(s)! (Not that that problem ever occurred on the stream…)

In short, The Misadventures of Tron Bonne was wildly experimental, and required the player to manage all sorts of skills to maintain a proper Tron Bonne capable of triumphing over her (relatively more) evil foes.

And then we never saw another Mega Man game try that again.

Asked and answeredThe Mega Man Zero franchise was the obvious continuation of Mega Man 2-D gameplay, but from Mega Zero 1 to Mega Man ZX Advent, we never saw so much as a cyber elf farming simulator. Similarly, Mega Man X made one attempt at its own JRPG with action elements and some very confusing warring factions… but probably the number one thing anyone remembers from that adventure is that it could unlock Cut Man in Mega Man X8. It seems the only future Mega Man franchise that tried to branch out from its “we’re doing the same thing every year like clockwork” gameplay was the Mega Man Battle Network series. Though, even in that case, its side games were either attempts to emulate other Mega Man games (Mega Man Network Transmission), or diversions that could barely come together as complete titles (Rockman.EXE Battle Chip Stadium, Mega Man Battle Chip Challenge). And by the time that franchise graduated to Mega Man Star Force on the next generation of hardware, the best anyone could hope for was an enhanced rerelease in the form of Rockman.EXE Operate Shooting Star. Bit of an inglorious end for an entire Mega Man Universe…

The Misadventures of Tron Bonne was a wildly experimental, incredibly entertaining diversion from traditional Mega Man gameplay that somehow still included wholly recognizable experiences. And not only was it never attempted again, but it apparently was the end of any experimentation in the Mega Man franchise. Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures 2 sure ain’t what my grandfather would recognize as a Pac-Man game, and Zelda Warriors is not your traditional Link jaunt. But Mega Man? Mega Man 11 is very much “the next Mega Man game”, and apparently a tie-in game for Mega Man: Fully Charged is too much to hope for. Mega Man is no longer allowed deviation, and that mandate has apparently been the norm since Tron retired from questing in 1999.

The Misadventures of Tron Bonne is a great game that apparently had horrible consequences. Sorry, Mega Man, but looks like Miss Tron is the reason you’ll never see a tennis court. Maybe Mario could let you guest sometime…

FGC #611 The Misadventures of Tron Bonne

  • All cops are wrestlersSystem: Playstation 1, because that is the system that could include a demo disc for Mega Man Legends 2 (coming soon!). A Playstation 3 PSN release is also available.
  • Number of players: For a game with forty servbots, you only get one player. Kind of amazing some multiplayer minigames didn’t sneak in there.
  • For the Future: You can see the first rumbling of much of the Mega Man Battle Network franchise in the Mega Man Legends series, and it is hard not to notice how the various “characters” of the RPG segments in TMOTB map easily to personalities that would be revisited by the time Lan was playing with his NetNavi. Tuttle, the dork exploring a cave in a top hat and suit, is just begging for something like FancyLad.exe.
  • Risk it All: There is also a casino level available. I am sure there is some ridiculous method for exploiting this mission and earning all the zenny you would ever need inside of the third mission or something. But, as someone that finds gambling inevitably stacked against my favor in most games (and most of reality), I only ever see my poor favorite servbot losing cash while his mistress rests. Sorry, Miss Tron!
  • Favorite Weapon: Give me a bazooka, or give me death. Or give me death, too, when my rate of fire is too low to beat back some ruins-based monster mech. That happened on the stream!
  • Watch it, Buddy: Speaking of which, here is the archival footage of my misadventures with Tron Bonne.



    There is a bit of an audio issue at the top of video 1, but the rest is just vibes. Oh! And I’m not super terrible at this one like the last Mega Man Legends game!

  • Did you know? Tron’s voice actress sings the theme songs in the Japanese version. Under normal circumstances, “the main character sings” usually strikes me as out of character for nearly every videogame heroine I can name. I can do thisHowever, the concept that Tron is trying to earn a few extra bucks through releasing her own album is 100% congruous with a woman that would spend her day shuffling apple boxes for a meager payout. Karaoke is Plan R or so on the list.
  • Would I play again: Yes. I had forgotten how much fun this game can be. Mind you, I am not going to play it again for a while, but when I do? Oh boy! Fun times to be had!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Jim Power: The Lost Dimension in 3-D! Possibly because I accidentally vacuumed up some automaton’s favorite gyro, this robot is trying to visit misery upon me! Please grab your 3-D glasses, and look forward to Jim Power!

ANOTHER LOSER

FGC #606 Mega Man Legends

Go, Mega!I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m so bad at Mega Man Legends, and I’ve settled on a culprit: it’s-a Mario.

As True Gogglebob.com Believers may already be aware, I recently streamed the entirety of Mega Man Legends as part of our now-been-happening-for-a-year-holy-cow Tuesday night streams. Mega Man Legends was chosen because we had been talking about it randomly across other streams, I was kind of anxious to replay the title, and (the most important factor) I just plain remembered liking the game. And I still like it! I just happened to discover that, apparently, I am no longer any good at Mega Man Legends. I died to that dang bulldozer boss like sixty times! It was nebulously embarrassing!

So, in an effort to make sure that every stream is not a gauntlet of Goggle Bob death, I went back to my original save, and loaded up the “final” save I had on my ancient Playstation 1 Memory Card. I beat the game from that file, and, since Wee Goggle Bob had satisfied the necessary conditions, I was able to play a New Game Plus/Easy Mode that all but guaranteed my success on stream. Nothing can stop MegaMan equipped with the Easy Mode Buster! And how do you earn that ultimate weapon? Well, you beat the game on Hard Mode. And wondering how you unlock Hard Mode? Simply beat the game on Normal Mode! So, to be clear, at some point in my not-too-distant past, I not only completed Mega Man Legends, but beat it twice with escalating exertion. I was once super good at Mega Man Legends! Data, can you tell me what happened!?

I hate this guyI will admit that I did not particularly like Mega Man Legends when it was released. I beat it. I played it a lot. But I did not like the trajectory of Mega Man and his fellow “8-bit mascots”. Castlevania had its 64-bit, 3-D adventure. The Legend of Zelda dropped its top-down perspective for 3-D fluting. 2-D fighting games had to make way for 3-D ballerina fights. Contra was doing… something. And, while we certainly had Mega Man 8 and Mega Man X4-6 on the Playstation, Mega Man Legends seemed to imply that 3-D was the next big frontier for our Blue Bomber. Did I identify Mega Man Legends as a good game? Of course! It is a good game! But it represented a trend I did not endorse, so I felt my time was better spent banishing Jet Stringray over in the 2-D Mega Man X universe. In fact, while I played nearly every “3-D reimagining” of a beloved franchise that came down the pike, I want to say there was only one 3-D title that I replayed repeatedly during the N64/Playstation 1 era. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to look at Super Mario 64.

And, fun fact, I have no idea if I even like Super Mario 64.

Here are the objective facts: I have collected all 120 stars in Super Mario 64. I accomplished this feat “back in the day”, and without the assistance of a strategy guide or FAQ. I explored every inch of Princess Peach’s Castle, unearthed every last portal-world (it took me forever to discover that Rainbow Ride even existed), and saw Mario nab any and all “secret stars”. Despite 100% completing the game in 1996 or so (I wonder if I finished it in “just” three months…) Over the years, I have returned to Super Mario 64 again and again, playing through its many ports (Wii! WiiU! Switch for a limited time for some reason!) and incarnations A nice sip(Release the DS version again, you cowards!). Whenever I play the game, I always go for all the stars, because it is a Mario game, and tricking yourself into playing less Mario in pursuit of a “speed run” is folly. There is a whole portrait world over there that you can skip, but don’t you want more game out of your game?

Except… I am not certain I like any of those portrait worlds.

Here, I made this chart of courses in Super Mario 64, and my opinion of them:

Bob-omb Battlefield Fun, but a little too “baby’s first world”
Whomp’s Fortress One “fight the boss” course stretched to six remarkably similar challenges
Jolly Roger Bay Swimming world that is absolutely zero fun. Eat my ass, collecting 100 coins
Cool, Cool Mountain Princess’ Secret Slide is a better version of the one fun part of this course
Big Boo’s Haunt What’s the trick to this stage? Random “invisible” panels? Pass
Hazy Maze Cave Should probably be six separate secret areas, and not one big, boring dungeon
Lethal Lava Land If you are not surfing a shell through lava, you are not having a fun time
Shifting Sand Land Absolutely the worst. Every star is just… ugh
Dire Dire Docks Should have just been one secret star, extremely thin on other “challenges”
Snowman’s Land We reskinned the lava stage. Hope you don’t notice
Wet-Dry World One interesting gimmick on a level no one ever wants to play
Tall, Tall Mountain Pretty fun, assuming you do not have to worry about 100 coins
Tiny-Huge Island You like bottomless pits? Sure you do!
Tick Tock Clock No. Just no.
Rainbow Ride Oh we heard you like losing all your progress to bottomless pits from Tiny-Huge Island. Guess what?

And then the game ends!

WeeeeeAnd before Mario 64 defenders flood my inbox (yes, I still operate under the delusion that I am capable of upsetting the internet at large), I realize I am being hyperbolic. I cannot think of a single SM64 stage that does not include a justifiably redeemable star (well, except Shifting Sand Land. Screw that stage). And, yes, my own Mario enjoyment does seem to lend itself to Super Mario Galaxy-esque experiences where stages are over quickly, and you move rapidly from new setting to new setting. It seems only natural that I would swiftly tire of “now do the same thing again in a slightly different way” gameplay (looking at you, Cool, Cool Mountain). But if I am being honest, there are stars that I fear like nothing else in the Mario pantheon. I would chase a thousand Liquid Marios in Super Mario Sunshine before I ever wanted to collect a hundred coins across Tick Tock Clock again. And I would rather jump rope forever than follow around an eel in Jolly Roger Bay. I understand that it is the nature of the completionist itch that I do not have to do any of these things to fully enjoy Mario 64, but what is even the point in being alive if I play Mario 64 and don’t earn 120 stars!?

But I am alive, and I did earn 120 stars in Super Mario 64. Before I moved on from SM64, my cartridge had four different save files with a total of 480 stars. What was the point of that? Perhaps to showcase that I had done it. Or maybe to remind myself that I played SM64 more than practically any Mario title before or since. I may have hated individual levels, but I explored the living hell out of that castle. I spent hours and days of my life on Super Mario 64 to the point that it is now part of my bones. If I “had to” replay the game right now, gun to my head, you have to find Yoshi or you die, I could do it. I do not think I could do that with Mega Man Legends, and the stream of my failures all but confirms this. Why is that?

Because the Nintendo 64 didn’t have any other games, dammit.

BZZZZZZTI scrimped and saved my allowance to afford a Nintendo 64 at launch. I was the happiest boy in the world, and I was going to be damned if I did not use that system to its utmost… Even if the only other game available was Cruis’n USA. I may not have liked the general format of Mario 64, or even a number of its individual challenges, but I was going to play it as much as possible, dagnabbit. I would rescue the princess over and over again. I would toss Bowser into the sun as many times as it took. I did all of this because there were no other options. And, naturally, I got better at it. Naturally, I interpreted this endless playtime as some kind of affection. Naturally, I played the game when it was rereleased, because didn’t I play that game a lot back in the 90s? Yeah, that sounds right. Let’s try it again. I played and continue to play Super Mario 64 out of a sort of eternal attrition, because, for a time, it was my only videogame. Or, at least, it was the only next gen videogame worth playing.

Super Mario 64 kidnapped my attention, and gave me Stockholm syndrome for life.

WeeeeAnd Mega Man Legends? I am willing to say that is a better game than Mario 64. If it is not better, it definitely offers a different, wholly unique experience that is a parallel, but just as good, game as Mario 64. It is more of a “run and shoot” game than Mario’s punch ‘n hop times. It features a huge, interconnected dungeon world, and encourages finding connections between areas that would be eternally separate in Peach’s Castle. The characters and their attendant voice acting/animated acting are marvelous, and a far cry from Mario’s “let them eat cake” morsels of a plot. Mega Man Legends may not have anything as sublime as recklessly gliding over a bob-omb battlefield, but it does have jet boots to spare. Mega Man Legends is an amazing game, and, playing it in 2021 reminds me that this has always been one of the best Playstation games out there.

But it was just one of an amazing crop of Playstation games that were released in 1997. It was not the only decent N64 game release in 1996. As a result, one game got played over and over for years, and the other was left to rot thanks to the likes of Final Fantasy 7, Symphony of the Night, and maybe even Alundra.

And that’s why Mario is responsible for my lack of Mega Man Legends skills. It is all that pesky plumber’s fault…

FGC #606 Mega Man Legends

  • System: Playstation (1) is host to the original and most beloved release. The Nintendo 64 version came along in friggen’ 2001, and was way too late to make an impact on gorram anything. And it was a compromised port on top of it! The PSP version came out four years later (but exclusively in Japan), and a Playstation 3 port scuttled out a decade after that. This is arguably the saddest release schedule gogglebob.com has ever recognized.
  • Number of players: Would have been cool to see another digger get into the act, but we are sticking to one Mega Man here.
  • What's so funny?Favorite Sub Weapon: It is a shame that the signature “variable weapons system” of Mega Man is relegated to refining treasures here, and not gaining, like, the Bonne Blaster after a boss fight. That said, the tactical laser weapon on my original save file is the bee’s knees… and not something I felt like earning on the stream. I guess I am going to say the drill arm this time, because I very much appreciate drill appendages.
  • Story Time: I very much appreciate how 90% of Mega Man Legends is just “have fun running around a neat island”, and then the last 10% is some hoary old tale of apocalypses, fallen civilizations, and allusions to MegaMan Volnutt being the secret chosen one that will change the world. This is an extremely JRPG-esque twist, and I have to wonder if this kind of plot just automatically bubbles to the surface the minute your otherwise carefree games includes treasure chests. See also Hearts, Kingdom.
  • Come to think of it: Complete with the myriad of sidequests and an ending that pretty closely apes the beats of the original Dragon Quest, was this all an early attempt to make the ultimate Mega Man: The RPG? And, if that is accurate, why did it take two Mega Man Battle Network games to get there? And why did they even bother with Mega Man X: Command Mission? So many unanswered questions.
  • Tron Resurrection: Tron and her family are easily the best part of Mega Man Legends, and it is pretty clear this was noticed practically from the beginning. You see a Servbot before you meet about 90% of the cast! Not even counting the title screen! The biggest loss in not seeing the Mega Man Legends franchise flourish was having to only see Tron in random spin-off titles.
  • Watch it, Buddy: Want to see the previously mentioned stream? Well here you go.





    It gets good around Part 3. … Or I just get good…

  • Did you know: Motion capture was distinctly used to create the iconic cinema scenes of Mega Man Legends. This makes Mega Man Legends one of the first games to use motion capture in a videogame for something other than ruthless decapitations.
  • Would I play again: I will play Super Mario 64 again. I will not play Mega Man Legends again. What?! I would rather play Mega Man 3! That’s how it goes!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Metroid! The first one! With the space lady! Please look forward to it!

Roll your eyes
“Why you gotta make this about Mario, Goggle Bob?”

FGC #600 Marvel vs. Capcom 2: New Age of Heroes: Part 5

Finally, some gameplayMarvel vs. Capcom 2: New Age of Heroes is an amazing, once in a lifetime game that brings together over 50 characters from wildly disparate worlds and franchises. So, in an effort to pay tribute to one of the games I believe to be the greatest of all time, please enjoy the final day of our five-part, 100% complete, generally alphabetical look at every fighter in Marvel vs. Capcom 2. Now let’s talk about the monkey girl…

SonSon

Go Go MonkeySonSon is one of four original characters in Marvel vs Capcom 2. Amingo, Abyss, and Ruby Heart were all created exclusively for MvC2, and they have not appeared in anything but cameos ever since.

Except SonSon is not an original character. SonSon is based on SonSon from the obscure 1984 Capcom arcade title, SonSon.

Except SonSon is an original character, because she is the granddaughter of that SonSon. She is not the SonSon of SonSon. She is, essentially, SonSon III.

Except SonSon I was not an original character, either. SonSon I was based on Sun Wukong from the 16th century Chinese novel, Journey to the West. SonSon is one of a thousand “adaptations” of this classic tale, with the original premise of Dragon Ball being one of the most prominent illustrations.

So, SonSon III is ultimately an original character that is based on a character that is possibly the least original character in the whole roster.

But, hey, at least she can turn into a giant monkey. That might be better than being a cactus.

Peter “Spider-Man” Parker

Its that guySpider-Man is Sailor Moon.

And, yes, both franchises subsist on several Young Adult fiction tropes, but very specifically for both cases…

1. The central “Marvel” conflict of Spider-Man was always that Peter Parker kind of sucked as Peter Parker, but excelled at being Spider-Man. Iron Man had his potentially deadly shrapnel that “made him” Iron Man, the Incredible Hulk had his man/monster dichotomy, and Spider-Man had the unbearable burden of having to be a good Peter Parker and superhero. He failed. A lot. Nearly everyone in Peter Parker’s life, from his adopted mother to his boss, thinks Peter Parker is a slacker that is never going to achieve anything, and this is primarily because Pete puts too much of an emphasis on saving the world. He was late because he was stopping a mugging. He missed Aunt May’s birthday because he was dealing with Galactus. It’s kind of a “nice guy” fantasy wherein your every failing has a big, important reason that no one would ever understand because it must be a secret for their own good. But, end of the day, Spider-Man is saving the day, even though J.J. would never believe Peter Parker can accomplish anything. In much the same way, Usagi, Sailor Moon’s “secret identity”, is the world’s biggest screw-up, and if you told her parents that she was destined to rule a thousand years of peace after banishing all evil witches from the land, they would likely die laughing. Very similar “secret identity hijinks” on both sides, with a heavy emphasis on simultaneously being super important but extremely poorly regarded by their friends and family.

2. Similarly, Spider-Man is…