Tag Archives: monsters!

FGC #583 What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 2

Shhhhh he's talkingLet’s talk about dungeons, Mario Making, and executive dysfunction.

Super Mario Maker 2 was released nearly two years ago. Initially, it had much the same issue as Street Fighter 5 or Splatoon 2: the previous version had been subject to frequent updates featuring both quality-of-life and just-plain-cool upgrades, and Super Mario Maker 2 did not feel different enough from its predecessor to really deserve that same dedication. I already made a bunch of Super Mario Maker 1 stages, why do I need to find new ways to utilize Cloud Strife-based puns for these same lakitu barrages? But, over time, Super Mario Maker 2 obtained its own updates, and now we’re looking at a totally new experience that involves frog suits, SMB2 mushrooms, and some patently-dubious ninji speedruns. Super Mario Maker 2 is well and truly its own animal at this point, and, while official support may be waning now (sorry, no new game styles for you), general community support is still there and active, so you can create infinity Mario stages for a very expectant audience. This is the perfect time to tear into Super Mario Maker 2!

Aaaand I can’t make a single damn level. The soul is willing, but the mind is weak and pasty…

There is a part of me that wants to create a Super Mario Maker 2 “game”. Eight worlds, four levels each, and theme each world around a different aspect of Mario. Maybe make World 1 something more based on Super Mario Bros. (1) gameplay, while a later world features the quirks of Super Mario Bros. 3. And the various powerups! And vehicles! I could make a whole world that is a vague shoot ‘em up! I love those things! I have a thousand ideas for Super Mario Maker 2, and I should be able to fill up a whole universe with ‘em inside of a few days.

Working awayBut, if I am being honest, that kind of project has always been a problem for me. I might want to do something, I might even have some great ideas for individual moments in some grand design, but when it comes time to actually sit down and do it, I am stuck. I cannot make even one level. Why? Well, some would claim it is a failing of the soul. Others may point to a low level form of executive dysfunction/dysexecutive syndrome and/or adult attention-deficit disorder. My father would just say I’m slacking off again (good job with the tough love, dad). Am I going to try to self-diagnose my inability to make Mario levels for a blog post? Maybe! But the end result is the same: there ain’t no Goggle Bob Super Mario Maker 2 stages available, and it is pretty safe to assume there won’t be any any time soon, either.

If you really want to get into the details of why Super Mario Maker 2 isn’t happening, look no further than the many, many options available within the game. I am being crippled by choice! I understand dividing it into manageable, themed chunks is not only a good design theory, but also something my brain can possibly process. I cannot deal with multiple “universes” of Mario availability, but I could potentially sit down and figure out the best damn Super Mario World courses possible. I could do that! But I’m not going to, because, even limited to one “style”, I can still choose from like twenty different monsters, ten different obstacles, and oh man I am totally ignoring how I could shoehorn Yoshi into all of this nonsense. And even all that comes after designing a level layout. How am I supposed to figure out how to stack seventy hammer bros if I can’t lay the path Mario is going to take!? Maybe I should start with a basic layout, and go from there… But would that be too boring?

Or maybe I should just play a game that is all basic layouts…

It's the food chain!What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 2 is a Playstation Portable title from 2008 that didn’t see North American shores until 2010. Since this article is already ridiculously autobiographical, I will note that I purchased this game back in the day for two distinct reasons:

  1. At the time, I believed NIS America to be the sole source of humor in videogames, and NIS America was responsible for this localization.
  2. I believed this to be a Warioware/W.T.F. style minigame compilation, as was the style with “eccentric” titles of the time.

By now, both of those assumptions have been proven to be differing degrees of terrible. Congratulations on NIS for pioneering the concept of being glib about JRPG conventions, but, man, the American indie scene adopted that tone, and now you can’t get six games into the eShop without ramming into thirty snide references to how the good ol’ days of gaming weren’t always so good. And, more importantly, WDIDTDTML!?2 is not a minigame simulator. This is a game that has one basic gameplay concept expanded to multiple levels. And that concept? You are the bad guy, and you have to build your own dungeon to keep the heroes out and/or dead.

But don’t worry! Being an evil overlord is easy! Apparently thwarting heroes is as straightforward as playing Dig Dug. There are four or five stratums of dirt under every dungeon entrance, and it is your task, God of Destruction, to grab that pickaxe and plink out a path through the mud. Along the way, various monsters will be released from the surrounding ether, and, after a sufficiently winding path is constructed, you will place Demon Lord Badman in the most fortified location. Then, the heroes inevitably start their march toward Lord Badman, and the only thing that is going to hold them back is a twisty dungeon filled with an army of monsters. And do not worry if you lose a few monsters, because their essence can be “recycled” into bigger and badder baddies, so maybe Dolph Heroman, Slayer of Slimes, will be devoured by a reincarnated lizard the size of a Buick. Lord Badman is in good (bad) hands!

It's a party!And, according to the narrative details of WDIDTDTML!?2, those monsters getting “recycled” is ultimately the point of the game. Every dungeon you create is a mini eco system, and depending on how food (other monsters, adventurers) is distributed in this environment, you may see all kinds of mutations and variants in your creature population. Mutants may appear because they are overfeeding (sorry, those slimes are just too delicious), or they have been absorbing too much ambient dungeon mana. Or maybe they just dropped into the place from a gateway to Hell, and they are about to throw the whole ecosystem out of whack! I mean, it’s all good as long as Lord Badman is protected from encroaching mages, but, still, would have liked to see those omnomnom worms survive. And, for the record, if you would like to play with this whole “ecosystem” mechanic, there is a mode in WDIDTDTML!?2 that is basically “free play”, and you can see just how many skelemans (actually their names this time!) you can have operating before a Wookiemon devours the whole lot. We’re all learning together!

But whether you are here to see the mating habits of dragons or not, there is definitely some magic happening. You are making a dungeon! Okay… yes… I’ve been saying that all along, but you’re making a dungeon carelessly! Wait.. that’s still wrong… You’re making a dungeon without thinking? Dammit! What I am trying to say is that when playing WDIDTDTML!?2, you are using the same basic tools as your average Mario Maker (making levels, distributing monsters/traps), but you are doing it with all the haste necessary to repel an invading force. There is a time limit. There are resource limits. There is an immediate challenge, and I can deal with an immediate challenge. I can work with a deadline. Would I make more complicated, noteworthy, and potentially brilliant dungeons if I were working with the unfettered freedom available in a different “maker” style game? Of course! But would I actually make anything in that environment? Evidently not!

Look at that spriteSo, as much as I hate authority, I know something simple about myself: I cannot work unless someone is yelling at me. I cannot create unless there is a clear and present deadline. I cannot trust myself to do goddamned anything unless someone, whether they be a Hell Lord or not, is complaining about my lack of output. I could do anything, but I’m not going to do a damn thing until it can be described as “looming”.

And I’m going to keep playing WDIDTDTML!?2 until Super Mario Maker 3 includes a mode where Bowser yells about not having a built castle yet.

FGC #583 What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 2

  • System: Sony PSP, and I’m pretty that’s it. There’s a quasi-sequel on the Vita, but I don’t think this UMD made the jump over to the digital realm of the Vita. Or maybe it did? I don’t know. Not like there’s an online shop where I can check.
  • Number of players: Just the one. It “feels” like it is 2-players with the existence of the invading heroes, but they’re exclusively A.I.-controlled.
  • What’s in a name? The original title for this game was “Holy Invasion Of Privacy, Badman! 2: Time To Tighten Up Security!”, however, there were some concerns about the Batman estate (carefully managed by billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne for some reason) taking legal action against the more Batusi-based title. The bad guy is still named Badman, though. Oh, and if we’re going with the original Japanese title, that’s “For a hero, [you are] quite [impudent/cheeky/bold] 2”. It must be a mouthful either way.
  • This is technically the first oneFavorite Monster: Black Hole Stomach is one of the overweight mutations of the succubus-style monsters. I appreciate the fact that this is, like, the one game I can name where there are “fat” human-type monsters, and they’re not just walking jokes or portrayed by a sprite that is simply marginally rounder. Black Hole Stomachs are just as jiggly as any other large monster. And their “ecosystem” stats mean they subsist on spirits! How do you gain weight by eating the ephemeral? Just a lot to like/unanswered questions there.
  • For the prequel: What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!? 1 was a DLC-exclusive title that could be lost to the ages… but WDIDTDTML!?2 included it on the disc via entry of a secret code (that is listed in the instruction booklet). Hooray for game preservation! Of course, WDIDTDTML!?1 kind of feels like a warmup for WDIDTDTML!?2’s more intricate gameplay, so there is very little reason to go back to basics. But, hey, at least the option is available!
  • Did you know? Apparently no one has a complete WDIDTDTML!?2 Almanac of Monsters (and Heroes) online. But there is a “Holy Badman” wiki, so one could suppose that progress is being made.
  • Would I play again: If this were more accessible, totally. As it is, I don’t get out the PSP that often, so it’s kind of a bother. But I do enjoy digging out tunnels for our favorite Badman, so I would like to get back into it sometime.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Captain America and The Avengers for SNES! The Avengers, eh? I think I’ve heard of those guys! Please look forward to it!

It's a crane game

FGC #542 Splatterhouse (2010)

It goes splatLet’s give some respect to a game that knows exactly what it wants to be, even if it just wants to be disgusting.

Here is a list of games that were released in 2010:

  • God of War 3
  • Red Dead Redemption
  • Dead Rising 2
  • Bioshock 2
  • Dante’s Inferno
  • Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

And 2010 was also a year some of these games were noted as champions of storytelling within the medium. Red Dead Redemption is a game that deserves to be held in the same exalted pantheon as its western forbearers. Bioshock 2 wasn’t as revolutionary as the game that (mostly) birthed its franchise, but it was still a somber look at greed and decay. Dead Rising 2 has a lot to say about the current state of the medical industry in the United States. Dante’s Inferno is the retelling of an epic poem that now somehow involves a hell of a lot of dismemberment. Actually, come to think of it, literally every one of these games involves a surprising amount of mutilation. And… was that the point? Were these complicated stories of love, betrayal, and a dude that somehow forgot he was Dracula, yarns that just happened to be attached to bloodbaths? Or was it the reverse? Were these violent videogames (utilizing the latest technology of the day to clearly render when you had successfully ejected an opponent’s spinal column) that also, incidentally, included tales that would rival those of Dante? These were all games that enjoyed varying levels of success, and now, ten years later, it’s impossible to discern the intentions of the writers and directors involved.

Such a fun place!Or we know exactly what they were thinking: hyper-violent action games were all the rage in 2010, and your average player would eat up any story that claimed to have influences more cerebral than a Burger King Kid’s Club flyer (… yeah… people in 2010 were dummies, I’m sure gamers got better in the meanwhile). If you had a game that was primarily shotgun-based, but wanted to score a few reviews that somehow still included the word “elegant”, all you had to do was wrap your story around a few heady concepts, and, before you could say “Kafkaesque”, you’ve got a hit on your hands. And, for better or worse, this would happen over and over again for years. A new game is released, it embraces an unhealthy amount of face punching, but also includes a reference to a philosophical concept or two, and it is graded as some manner of genius event for everyone involved. Then the shine rubs off (usually sometime around when the DLC release schedule winds down), and we’re left with a number of people scratching their head, vainly attempting to figure out why the hell there was such a big hubbub in the first place. Bioshock Infinite cured racism? I’m sure I remember that happening once…

But there was one game released in 2010 that knew exactly what it was and what it was about: Splatterhouse.

Splatterhouse is a 3-D, modern reimagining of the original Splatterhouse franchise. All of the old staples are there: a disastrous visit to an old house in the middle of nowhere, a girlfriend kidnapped, and a haunted mask that propels our protagonist to stalk the halls in a very Voorhees manner. There’s a clear goal (rescue girlfriend), obvious monsters (they’re the dudes with asymmetric tentacles), and an excuse or two for a little blood splatter. Old weapons are scattered about the area (who couldn’t use a 2×4) and even the old bosses are represented in straightforward (there cannot be that many dudes with chainsaws for hands) or figurative ways (a haunted room must evolve into a poltergeist colossus). This Splatterhouse is not a “modern remake” that completely eschews the source material in favor of something new and different, it is completely recognizable as Splatterhouse.

Hey buddyBut there is technically a new plot hoisted on Splatterhouse. What we have here is something that could have been implied by the original, practically narration-less Splatterhouse, but is now made concrete in 2010. “The Mask” is an ancient prisoner of monsters that slipped out, and is now using its magical/deadly powers for revenge. Your ultimate opponent is a Lovecraftian cadre of formless ones that want to enter this universe and transform it into their personal meat grinder. The majority of your foes are literal monsters stitched together by a vengeful, immortal college professor (that, incidentally, kind of looks like Lovecraft). And poor, traditionally mute Rick is now a conflicted student stuck in the middle. Rick wants to save “his girl”, and he certainly doesn’t want to be dead, but does he need to kill so many ostensibly living creatures in order to meet his goals? Mask is all about the violence, but Rick seems to have objections to the kill count that is rapidly mounting at the end of his fists. Does Rick need to be so violent? Is all this carnage really necessary? Can’t we all just get along?

And the answer is: No, Rick, you dumbass, this is a videogame. You’re here to paint the walls red. Everybody knows what this is, Ricky Boy, don’t fight it.

So much splatSplatterhouse may momentarily flirt with a greater calling to make comments on the nature of violence or explore its Cthulhu inspired universe; but, more than that, it is a game that knows exactly what its audience is here for. Like a good 80’s horror film, it assumes the viewers only want two things: blood and tits. To satisfy that bloodlust, practically every enemy can become part of a fatality-esque finisher that offers organs aplenty being splayed about. And if you choose to hold off on those QTEs, all monsters pop like blood ticks, so your Mask’s thirst for the red stuff is always satisfied. And if you’re looking for the other reason for an R (M) rating, Splatterhouse has straight up nudity ready to go from the first level. Jenny is apparently the only human female seen in this universe (granted, technically, there’s only like one 100% human male on screen in this story, and he’s dead before the game starts), and she has been kidnapped, but don’t let that stop you from whipping it out in her honor. Every stage has four fragments of “Jenny’s Pictures” scattered around, and, boy, let me tell you, Jenny was an exhibitionist. The Jenny model is shamelessly used in all sorts of situations, so whether it’s a steamy shower scene or a skimpy Halloween costume that is going to wet your noodle, Splatterhouse has got you covered. Ha! Covered! Totally unlike Jenny!

And is this gross? Absolutely. 90% of the content of the previous paragraph is disgusting. The idea that the player would be “rewarded” with naked pictures of the ostensible heroine of the story is not only narrowly male heteronormative, but also just plain gross. Jenny is not only a damsel in distress, her naked (and thereabouts) pictures are the prime reward for a player exploring these environments. By all accounts, she was created just to be ‘bating bait for the audience, and, plot-wise, all we learn about Jenny is that she likes posing for risqué photographs (on actual film! Is that a character trait?). And once you get past her, the only friendly cast member, the fact that you can only interact with your antagonists through bloodsport isn’t much better. Your opponents are monsters, yes, but it is plainly stated that a number of these “creatures” are humans that have been experimented on and mutated. And how do you deal with these lost souls (some of which are distinctly noted as people Rick once knew)? Your tear their insides out. And when a door is a pulsing eyeball, you tear that out, too! But don’t worry, when a mouth-door is involved, then you have to feed blood to it, so there’s no tearing there. But there’s still violence! In fact, there is nary a single problem in Splatterhouse that can’t be solved by wanton, bloody destruction. And that’s a moral we don’t need! Violence is not the answer, and any “game” that encourages hours of carnage cannot be good for the national psyche.

Except… that’s not any different from every other bloody brawler released in 2010. The only variance here is that Splatterhouse is completely honest about its vices, while its contemporaries tried to hide behind a veneer of respectability.

It looks badGod of War 3 ended by claiming the entire franchise was about the relationship between an abusive father and his son (that may have murdered his family), but it was also a trilogy that always took time to include topless women and what could best be described as a “sex minigame”. But don’t worry, kiddies, that happened slightly offscreen! This is a respectable game! Castlevania: Lords of Shadow was a “mature” reimagining of Castlevania that incidentally treated its female cast like disposable props. Any women left standing? There’s Carmilla, a former holy warrior whose desecrated earthly remains became a vampire that is going to flirt with her opponent for about 80% of the fight. So a nun that has become corrupted and is now overtly sexual? Gosh, that couldn’t be an extremely well-trodden fetish or anything. This is a mature game. It’s not like Carmilla is wearing something like a nun’s habit split to reveal her breasts or anything. But that’s the way it goes, right? These are sophisticated games, so there might be a little t(its) to accompany your v(iolence). You know, maybe.

Or that’s the entire point, and so many games in 2010 were simultaneously nakedly chasing the heterosexual, 20-something male demographic and attempting to claim a seat at the table of “mature” media like books or movies (because everyone knows those mediums never pander to anybody). Testosterone-fueled escapes for a man’s Id were the norm (ha, were), but you could get away with it if you attached some tragedy to the proceedings. And not, like, horror movie, you-decided-to-take-the-wrong-turn tragedy, either! Pathos! You need the hero to really feel bad about his dead wife (do you want to review the previously mentioned 2010 games and tally up the number of dead wives involved? It is a concerning number!), so that way the “hero” is at least grimacing when he rips the heart out of the malevolent Tig Biddy. Kratos might be involved in an adventure that could incidentally involve a lot of nudity and violence, but he’s doing it for his family (even if they’re dead). This isn’t an adolescent fantasy, it’s a tale of love and redemption. It’s epic.

Don't touch that guySplatterhouse is just like its contemporaries, except it doesn’t chase that “epic” banner. Splatterhouse is a game that accepts its audience wants some nudity and violence, and, hey, here you go. You don’t have to analyze it. You don’t have to think about it. You just have to press X to explode-a-head. You can just review a gallery of naked pictures. You can be as horny or ferocious as you want, and Splatterhouse isn’t going to judge. It might be gross, but if it’s your thing, it’s not trying to hide your thing. Splatterhouse seems to believe it knows exactly what its audience wants, and it is going to unashamedly drown everyone in it.

Splatterhouse doesn’t try to be what it is not. Splatterhouse is Splatterhouse, and it should be commended for never apologizing for such.

Stay gross, Splatterhouse.

FGC #542 Splatterhouse (2010)

  • System: Playstation 3 and Xbox 360. Splatterhouse is not listed as an Xbox One backwards compatible game, but apparently something called “The Splatters™” is listed, so the search function is working properly.
  • Number of players: Just Rick and Mask, working as one player.
  • QTE fun!Beyond the Gore: Splatterhouse is a pretty typical 3-D action game of the era, but it does have a few tricks up its sleeve. There are some 2-D areas that harken back to the old days, and they’re generally enjoyable (mostly because most of the usually spongey mooks suddenly are all 1-hit kills). There are also a few “jump areas” and “chases” that are predominantly quick time events, and they’re… less fun. It feels like we have gotten away from continual QTEs with our current gaming generation, which almost makes these portions vaguely nostalgic.
  • Favorite Area: The plot finds an excuse for magical portals to beam Rick outside of the titular Splatterhouse, so there are a few interesting venues available. The “ruined future”, “the past”, and slaughterhouse are all fun locations, but you really can’t beat the “Murder Carnival” that is some kind of pastiche of Disney World, a local fair, and an unruly number of giant entrails. And the hall of mirrors offers an excuse for all kinds of fights for Rick, so just enjoy the ride.
  • Are there Murder Clowns? Yep.
  • Say something mean: It’s fun being a murderous psychopath, but the final few areas find excuses to add different kinds of timers. Sometimes it is a collapsing bridge, sometimes it’s an “escort mission”, and sometimes there’s just an outright timer on the screen; but regardless of the reason, anytime your seconds are limited in Splatterhouse, it is pretty lousy. “Aiming” is a pain in the ass, and most combos keep going well after your opponent is finished. The result? You’re punching air for seconds on end while your death ticks closer and closer. Losing control isn’t a good thing when you don’t have time to spare.
  • Favorite Boss: Experiment 765 is a giant, electric ape with a hammer. He beats ol’ chainsaws-for-hands any day of the week.
  • Make clowns go splatDid you know? Whether it was intended as part of the original release or DLC that would never come, there was a lot of cut content in Splatterhouse. There was supposed to be a Nazi ice base (featuring that previously mentioned ape), a “dead island” tropical setting (including a boss that is only seen in a fish tank in the game proper), and even a finale in a collapsing chapel (there is a wedding/human sacrifice happening sometime around then, after all). Splatterhouse was kind of a bomb, so it’s unlikely we’ll ever see what was intended to be “Splatterhouse Complete”, but I have to formally state that any game that includes extra violence against Nazis is a good thing.
  • Would I play again: Probably not. This is fun in the short term (most of the time), but it’s not really my thing. That said, Berserker Mode is a hoot, and, if I have to play a PS3-era beat ‘em up, this ain’t too bad. I’m not stalking the halls again anytime soon, but I could conceive of a world where I might give it a shot. At least there is a New Game+!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Mario Tennis for the Virtual Boy! Spooky times are over, but we’re still seeing red. Please look forward to it!

That's what it looks like

FGC #541 Splatterhouse

Things go splatSigmund Freud put forth the psychological theory of psychosexual development. In short, Freud’s hypothesis was that boys and girls went through certain sexual developmental stages during childhood, and each of these phases had particular erogenous triggers that should be satisfied, even if only subconsciously. If these conditions were not properly met, a child would grow into an adult that had a specific fetish/fixation. If all went well, then the kid would grow to be a sexually well-adjusted man or woman that doesn’t google pictures of half-dressed centaurs when his fiancée is asleep. While Freud’s psychosexual outlines have been derided since the early 20th Century as sexist, homophobic, euro-centric, scientifically inaccurate, and generally unpleasant, Freud’s teachings still persist through to today… even if they only wind up as part of pop-psychology lectures provided by sitcom characters. Oh! And in videogames!

So let’s review Freud’s theory of psychosexual development through the medium of Splatterhouse.

The Oral Stage

The first stage lasts from birth until about one year. During this stage, the only way a person knows how to interact with the world is through oral means. It starts at the mother’s teat, and ends with every goddamn thing within reach being shoved into that toothless maw. Supposedly, if there is too little or too much (Freud is astrology for psychology nerds) oral gratification, they will grow to be an adult that is passive, gullible, and/or immature.

Not too gross

The Oral Stage is the foundation of Splatterhouse. Rick, a boy anxious just to have some alone time with his girlfriend in a creepy house that may or may not have blood all over the walls, is murdered seven seconds into his romantic rendezvous. But all is not lost! Rick is revived by a haunted facemask. The only caveat? He has to keep wearing the mask, which means he cannot orally enjoy anything. His face is permanently bound for the entirety of his adventure, so he has become little more than a deprived child (albeit one with the power to punch monsters to death).

Gross

Taunting Rick is the final boss of Splatterhouse, a gigantic head with toothy jaws that can only devour everything in its path (and throw rocks, but that doesn’t fit the metaphor). Rick has no mouth with which to orally interact, while his greatest foe is all consuming. Give or take a particularly unpleasant skin condition, Rick is forced to envy everything about his ultimate opponent.

The Anal Stage

If you like big butts and cannot lie, you are likely fixated on mistakes made during the anal stage of development. This stage, taking place from approximately eighteen months to three years, sees the focus shift from the upper digestive tract to the lower half. Pleasure is derived from satisfying the urges of everything below the equator, and the biggest factor here on whether or not someone will forever be hypnotized by the booty is effective toilet training. If training is too strict at this stage, it will inevitably lead to someone being “anal” and controlling; or, in the event of parents that aren’t too concerned about Kid Stinky, an adult might wind up becoming one of those guys with visible stink lines.

Gross

So it should be no surprise that Rick winds up in a literal sewer as soon as Level 2. Despite the fact that the titular Splatterhouse is a house that is literally in the middle of nowhere, it apparently has a robust sewer system, complete with water monsters. It is obvious that these creatures are meant to represent excrement, and would be festering, pulsating poop monsters if Splatterhouse had been released with more high definition options. Regardless, Rick fighting through the muck to murder monsters made of messes is a clear allusion to the anal stage, and how no one can ever truly live in a world where everything is clean.

The Phallic Phase

Here’s where things get interesting! From the ages of three to six, a person will explore their genitals. This is not a “sexual awakening” as we commonly think of it, but it is a time when the person involved realizes they can derive pleasure from touching their no-no places. Additionally, as children usually acquire a curiosity about other dark corners of anatomy, this is traditionally when they learn about the physical differences between men and women. This is also where the Oedipus complex comes into play, as a boy child is apparently coming around on “real” sexual feelings, and wants to unseat his father and claim his mother as a lover. If you’re wondering about Freud’s equivalent thinking for women, don’t bother, as Freud left Electra to Carl Jung, and claimed that women simply experience a “negative Oedipus complex” that, if not properly managed, will lead to a woman with the affliction of “high self-esteem”. Remember how I said this thing was a little sexist?

Gross

But Rick isn’t a woman! Rick is a man’s man, and, as such, he has to fight a pile of blood worms that couldn’t be any more phallic if they were starring in Captain Toad. The boss of Stage 1 is little more than a pile of severed, bloody wieners, and Rick has to fight off every last one before they drain his life force. And could there be any greater metaphor for the phallus? Well, there’s the final worm that bursts forth from a hanging man’s abdomen, but that one is a little more Alien than outright phallic.

The Latency Phase

From about age six to puberty, psychosexual development apparently just takes a moment to collect itself. You know all about “bloodworms”, but you can’t really do anything about any of that yet, so may as well just chill on everything until those hormones get going. But thoughts are still there! They just have to be channeled into something else. So, essentially, Freud thought that every 2nd grader is a churning ball of sexual energy, but is trying not to think about it while learning how to play dodgeball. Whatever, Siggy.

Not too Gross

However, this can be seen within Splatterhouse in the lead up to the finale of Stage 5. Rick is trying to rescue Jenny, but is menaced by ghost women in an art gallery. These apparitions are the only obviously female foes in the house, and it is clear they are restless spirits meant to represent Rick’s feelings for his mate. Rick knows he must find Jenny, but he has no idea how or where. Does he even know what he’s going to do when he gets there? In the meanwhile, he must turn his focus elsewhere. These ghosts seem to indicate that Rick’s desires are real, but no more substantial than wisps.

The Meaty Dude with Chainsaws for Hands Phase

For an extremely brief period just before puberty begins, it is posited that everyone goes through the meaty dude with chainsaws for hands phase. This is an oft-overlooked stage in development when people’s thoughts turn exclusively to a meaty dude with chainsaws for hands. Why does this happen? Is it a universal, deep-seated affection for Leatherface? Or is it a matter of the fact that the most natural, pure sexual attraction is the one between a person and a meaty dude with chainsaws for hands? Nobody knows. But ask anyone over the age of 12 about their own meaty dude with chainsaws for hands phase, and they’ll likely sigh contentedly.

Back to gross

The Meaty Dude with Chainsaws for Hands Phase is best emblemized by the boss of Stage 3, Biggy Man. Biggy Man is, naturally, a gigantic, fleshy fellow with gardening equipment implanted on his arms. Like his attendant phase of psychosexual development, he is a difficult boss if you do not come prepared. If you show up at his door with the (unsurprisingly phallic) shotgun, though, he’s a wee kitten, and will be purring (bleeding) in no time. Fear not this perfectly natural phase!

The Genital Phase

The genital phase is the grand finale of psychosexual development. At this point, we’re well and truly into puberty, and, in the immortal words of my pants when I turned 13, “let’s get our freak on” (to be clear, my pants could not actually talk, there were simply some unusual clothing designs available at Hot Topic in the 90s). Assuming someone has successfully completed all of their psychosexual development homework over the previous decade and change, the Genital Phase is where it all pays off, and adult, consenting relationships/relations can happen. You no longer want to have sex with your mom (or, if you’re a woman, negative-mom), and you will gain sexual satisfaction not only from your own biological parts, but also from satisfying the needs and desires of others. It’s a good time for everybody!… Unless you messed up on one of the earlier phases. Then you’re stuck begging randos on Chat Roulette to talk dirty about My Little Pony until you can finally climax. Sorry! I don’t make the rules!

Gross

In Splatterhouse, the genital phase is clearly meant to be the true climax of the game, and it presents itself as the boss fight with Rick’s kidnapped girlfriend, Jennifer. Aliens (?) implant… something… in Jenny, and she becomes a horrifying monster that may or may not resemble something from This Island Earth. She jumps around attempting to murder Rick, but occasionally reverts to her human form so she can beg for death. Homicide and suicide all in one? That sounds like every relationship I ever had as a teenager! Rick will eventually succeed in putting Jenny down, and, while she does return (to life) in the sequel, he did technically satisfy her desires in this instance, even if it may be brief. Good job, Rick, you’re psychosexually developed!

Enjoy the next stage where Splatterhouse keeps burping out fetuses.

Super Gross

And it all starts all over again! Thanks Siggy, for the eternal cycle of psychosexual development!

FGC #541 Splatterhouse

  • System: Arcade, and then the TurboGrafx-16. The arcade version is much more enjoyable if available (apparently as part of a Switch collection), as it has the original, lawsuit-bait Jason Voorhees mask. The TG16 version is available currently on the TurboGrafx-16 Mini, though, so it may be slightly more accessible if you never nabbed the Wii version.
  • Number of players: Two players alternating. There is apparently code in the game for simultaneous play, but they couldn’t get it 100% implemented for release. Or they just thought it was dumb. Either way, not widely available.
  • Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: This is one of those pre-Final Fight beat ‘em ups where it’s kinda sorta a platforming game, too. Splatterhouse does seem to have a leg up on the competition, as it features multiple, branching paths, and very memorable bosses and environments. Unfortunately, it is still a quarter killer, so its difficulty is high for its relatively simply gameplay. And no one ever tells you how to do that essential slide move! Splatterhouse, overall, seems to balance out to a “medium essential” experience.
  • Things go grabWon’t someone please think of the children: The gore was turned down dramatically for the home versions. Additionally, a floating, upside cross was replaced with a severed head (or maybe a doll’s head?), and bladed weapons (like a meat cleaver) were replaced with sticks of wood. Oh! And when you murder the beating heart of the mansion, it doesn’t gush fluids, but immediately catches fire. That at least explains why the following stage is a bit toasty.
  • Favorite Weapon: The shotgun is amazing, but there are inexplicable harpoons around the mansion, too. Was the unseen Dr. West into whaling in his spare time? Or is this yet another phallic object of power produced by the mansion?
  • Favorite Moment: I always love mirror matches, so Rick’s malevolent reflection busting out of a reflection is simultaneously scary and fun. Jumpscares in an arcade game! Who would have thought?
  • What’s in a name? According to the TG16 port’s manual, the final boss is named “Hell Chaos”, and is presumably the mutated corpse of Dr. West, the Splatterhouse’s landlord. Hell Chaos doesn’t technically appear again in the franchise, but he does return as a cardboard cutout over a door in the 2010 version. He’s that (not) spooky. Sorry, Nemesis.
  • Did you know? In the arcade version, the crawling hand will occasionally give Rick the finger. That’s not polite, severed hand!
  • Let's reflect on thisWould I play again: Maybe. This is a game that is too difficult to play casually (without save states, memorization, or a childhood of playing the title constantly), but maybe I’ll give it a go for a credit or two sometime. It is damn satisfying to splat monsters against walls, and the arcade version is available as part of Splatterhouse 2010. Speaking of which…

What’s next? Random ROB knows how this goes, so we’re playing Splatterhouse again, but this time it’s the 2010 version. Let’s get ready to splat on a whole new generation of hardware. Please look forward to it!

Wild Arms 2 Part 41: Post-Mission Debriefing

Previously on Wild Arms 2: Everything. Every damn thing. It’s over now, but thanks to an Eskimo’s dying curse (I was unaware he would react so poorly to a hot cup of coffee), I am forced to spit out a few more words on the subject of Wild Arms 2. So let’s get to it.

Upon completing the game, Wild Arms 2 allows for the creation of a game clear file. This was fairly common in the Playstation 1 days… or at least it happened with Saga Frontier. I… can’t think of any other games that did that. Probably Chrono Cross? Hm…

This extra file is not a “playable” save file, though. This would likely make it first on the chopping block on your precious PS Memory Card that can only contain 15 save files.

The clear file is a way to “review” your final game data, and maybe rewatch a few cutscenes. Let me tell you: rewatching anime cutscenes was all we had back in the earliest 21st Century. Why, I remember when Lunar

Here are the final stats on Ashley. And, incidentally, I’m going to use it an excuse to talk about Wild Arms 2’s Battle System.

Short answer: it’s not great…