Initial Stream: 11/10/20
3:00 – Everyone had two weeks to vote on whether or not they wanted to see additional story progress or the Final Fantasy character vignettes/side quests… and I didn’t see a single vote. Turnout is terrible this year. So we held a vote on the stream, and fanboymaster and BEAT both agreed it was time to hit the Final Fantasy Intervention Quests. As a reminder, these are all “out of time” moments provided by The Girl Who Forgot Her Name, and our heroes only pitch hit for the featured Final Fantasy character during battle, and the rest of these sections are simple “slice of life” stories (that often involve giant, malevolent sea monsters). First up are Tidus and Yuna aping some Final Fantasy X plot beats.
16:00 – The “bullet points” for the Intervention Quests are going to be mostly here to let you know when a new vignette starts. At approximately the sixteen minute mark, we are discussing “politics” and/or Quistis while Squall gets a featured story about future planning.
25:00 – Discussing Tidus while Faris and Edgar discuss something other than Tidus. And then it’s time to point out how Edgar is a pedophile.
33:00 – Terra encounters a certain unpleasant octopus while another bot invades the chat.
39:00 Bartz and Rikku is the crossover event you didn’t ever know you needed. It is mostly ignored in favor of Dragonball Z discussion.
46:23 –
What actually happened in the plot:
All Intervention Quests are canon in World of Final Fantasy, but are (almost) all considered “sidequests”, so this is all “optional” plot. That said, here’s what happened in this update:
• Yuna and Tidus, who met for the first time as part of the main plot, bond over repelling Bismarck (not the nazi ship) from Besaid.
• Squall, unlike his fellow Final Fantasy buddies, doesn’t have future plans, which worries his bulbous little head. Squall and Shelke go on a monster hunting mission, and Shelke tricks Squall into caring and planting a garden. This somehow makes Squall smile.
• Faris’s ship is attacked by Omega Bane, and she tracks it back to a potential dimensional gateway at the center of the desert. Edgar is familiar with the area, so he banishes Omega Bane with the help of Vivi.
• Terra teams up with, and then realizes she must destroy, Ultros, the least prime octopus.
• Bartz and Rikku try to rob Ifrit’s cave, but wind up inadvertently becoming friends with the fiery summons when they team up to repel some behemoths.
Initial Stream: 11/10/20
1:00 – Rikku is sailing the seven seas, and, hey, we’re actually discussing Rikku! It’s game related! It’s a game related, on-topic discussion! That hardly ever happens!
5:00 – Eiko makes a new wolf friend, so let’s talk about Justice League. The animated series, to be clear, as that is clearly the best iteration of the ol’ hero club.
10:00 – Tifa meets some zealots. How old would you be in the Final Fantasy universe? And would your hat stay on your head?
16:00 – Yuna and “The Sad Spiral” sounds like a good time. Final Fantasy characters need therapy, and so do we after discussing Fountains of Wayne.
26:00 – After some wedding discussion, here are Yuna and Rydia in a Volcano. Then BEAT gets hungry, and we fight Lady Ifrit.
32:00 – Cloud and Lightning are palling around while we discuss terrible streamers, teenage sins, and how we’re all attractive. Also, please remember the duck stream.
What actually happened in the plot:
• Rikku battles the Mimic Queen and discovers that literally all the treasures across the sea were a bunch of (now dead) mimics.
• Eiko investigates a “weird feeling” and discovers her ancestors’ “Fenrir” mirage, Elefenrir, who offers a cryptic warning.
• Tifa fights off a gigantic, robotic hand, and tells some religious fanatics that Enna Kros helps those that help themselves.
• Yuna helps Ami of Green Gables (thanks, Zef), a poor woman who wants to sacrifice herself for the good of her hometown. Valefor’s non-union equivalent, Nirvalefor, guides Yuna to help Ami by defeating Ultima Weapon. Thus, Ami no longer has to be a martyr, and she didn’t even have to lose her imaginary dream-boyfriend to do it.
• Yuna and Rydia enter a volcano to find Ifreeta, Ifrit’s cousin who has been possessing humans to be a general nuisance in the world. The two summoners banish the fire cat girl.
• Cloud and Lightning investigate a mirage (Iron Muscles) menacing a local village, but apparently Sephiroth has been in the area repelling the mirage. Cloud ventures off on his own to hunt his mortal enemy, but Terra convinces Cloud to go back and help Lightning. Cloud and Lightning destroy Iron Muscles, and Sephiroth is never seen.
Initial Stream: 11/10/20
0:30 – Vivi and Golems accompany a brief description of quests that have gone before. Long story short: when boiled down to their base archetypes, nearly every male Final Fantasy protagonist becomes Zidane. It’s weird!
5:00 –
13:30 – Discussing Fire Emblem/Lucina /Gachas while Quistis and Squall hang out in Garden.
16:00 – Ample Vigour arrives, and then leaves us wanting as Einhänder shows up again.
20:00 – Penguin time means we have to repeat a whole dungeon. There’s crying underwater from that stupid queen and yours truly, as this Intervention Quest contains an entire “level” that we already completed once. And it wasn’t that good the first time! Regardless, this appears to be the only Intervention Quest that is so intensive, so it’s at least noteworthy.
28:00 – “We’re going all in on this fried bread thing.”
41:00 – And the moral of the story is we’re never going to stop talking about that mysterious liquor lady.
What actually happened in the plot:
• Vivi stops a golem uprising and decides to live another day, confident he is not a mere golem (which makes sense, as golems in this game are basically just Pokémon).
• Celes tries to cheer up the still-recovering-from-vampirey folks of Tome Town by performing an opera, but Ultros arrives, and messes it all up. Ultros is repelled, but, sorry, Celes won’t be singing in this one.
• It is confirmed that Balamb Garden is apparently a mirage, Eden, even if stuff discovered there, like the Gunblade, could be Cogna related.
• Shantotto attempts to open a secret vault by killing the Quacho Queen, but Lann and Reynn convince the Quacho Queen to open the door without bloodshed. Unfortunately, there’s a monster in the vault that could potentially explode and crack the continent in half… but Shantotto uses a spell to disarm the volatile kraken. The day is saved, and our heroes loot the vault.
Initial Stream: 11/10/20
00:00 – There is some interesting discussion regarding the production of Marvel vs. Capcom/Howard the Duck opposite Bartz and Gigglemesh saving a town. Eventually, there is discussion of Spider-Man arcade, a game near and dear to my videogame preserving heart.
8:00 – Additional discussion of Marvel vs. Capcom and what could have happened to Street Fighter 3 while Snow and Celes do… nothing.
14:30 – Moonboy and Devil Dinosaur are not Edgar and Vivi, but they’re not Primal, either.
19:00 – There’s no battle in this vignette, just cutscenes. This is weird, and prompts a discussion regarding Mr. Bucket, and how he wants you to put your balls in his mouth.
21:00 – Faris, Ifrit, and we’re apparently not worshipping Satan.
25:00 – Refia and Sherlotta venture into the snow while we discuss children’s cartoons and fetishes and let’s not talk about Totally Spies.
30:00 – We are done talking about Goodfeathers and how much we hate aspects of Animaniacs just in time to watch the ongoing adventures of Undead Princess.
34:00 Goblin Princess and the immortal question: is high school worse than working in The Simpsons writing room?
What actually happened in the plot:
• Gigglemesh and Bartz are more or less tricked by Bahamutian Soldiers, but team up to recover a victory.
• Snow and Celes fight Gigglemesh over absolutely nothing. Typical crossover fight, I suppose.
• Edgar and Vivi win over the support of the Figaro guard ostensibly through Vivi being annoying.
• Faris sponsors “Underdog Day”, a day when her crew can challenge the captain for control of the ship. An overeager moogle accidently summons Ifrit, whom Faris has to knock off the plank.
• Refia and Sherlotta battle Undead Princess (another refugee from Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Echoes of Time), and then hire her to promote the Inn. Then Sherlotta and Undead Princess work together to stop some Metalliskulls that are haunting the area.
• Princess Sarah was kidnapped by Princess Goblin, who apparently has a crush on Warrior of Light. Warrior of Light lets Princess Goblin down easy, and rescues Princess Sarah.
Additional note that seems to explain a lot: In game, there is a running encyclopedia for characters encountered in World of Final Fantasy. The entry for Undead Princess reads:
Hey, Wait a Second…
You may be wondering why so many characters from the CRYSTAL CHRONICLES series have been popping up in Grymoire. Well, take a look at the person doing character design, and you may have your answer.
So that solves at least one unsolved mystery of World of Final Fantasy.
Initial Stream: 11/10/20
00:00 – Refia tries to build a bridge while we discuss how to own people on the internet. Or maybe we’re just looking at Dril tweets again. Or Spider-Man?
6:00 – Time for (what I’m pretty sure is) the DLC event. It is not a Gundam.
9:30 – Kishi joins us. Kishi is not a Gundam.
22:00 – We finally win as Omega God bonks over.
“He” is now Ted Woo, author of Shadow Mad.
31:00 – Kishi requests a repeat performance, so we’re watching the Faris bit again. Let’s consider this an example of how you can repeat these quests unlimited times.
36:00 – In an effort to torture fanboymaster, we close this stream out by taking a look at the World of Final Fantasy pokédex.
What actually happened in the plot:
• Refia tries to build an ice bridge, so she recruits Sherlotta to additionally recruit Shiva. The bridge is built, but doesn’t last long.
• Enna Kros has a conversation with Alexander, the gigantic mirage currently serving as a motionless bridge. Apparently they fought “for the throne” at one point. Eden of Balamb Garden, Lute of Ragnarok in Cornera, and Midgardian Ormr (presumably) of Midgar are all mirages, too. Alexander had Omega God hanging out on it in a pocket dimension (or something), so Enna Kros summoned Lann and Reynn to fight him off. Omega God is defeated and captured, and now, having completed all available Intervention Quests, Lann and Reynn are free to journey on to the endgame.
Next time on World of Final Fantasy: This stream was the same week I got married, so BEAT is responsible for the Bad End.
Year in Review: 2020
Disappointment of the Year: Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity
Another year, another reason to state that the disappointment of the year is not the worst game I played this year, it is simply the game that in some (significant) way disappointed me (and specifically me, I’m a very selfish guy). And the winner this year? It’s Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity, a game that I anxiously expected, and then wound up bouncing off of like an arrow plinking off of Daruk’s mega-shield. Why? Simple answer: the goddamn world map. There was a lot of extra content in the previous Hyrule Warriors, but the main quest was sequestered off in its own little campaign with a little flow chart and maybe a Linkle (depending on the version). Hyrule Warriors 2, meanwhile, decided to stick the optional content all together on one map, and… and… I just can’t deal with that right now. 2020 has been an overwhelming year, and I cannot deal with 2,000 Hyrulian villagers that need some random quantity of fish. Look, guys, I’m dealing with a lot right now, I will get you your damn beetles later. Couple this with a plot that feels more pandering the more it unfolds, and I have a weird aversion to playing a game I was ostensibly eagerly anticipating.
So, yes, I’m saying I am stalling on a game I anticipated because my own anxiety can’t deal with Hyrule’s problems. It happens! And it’s disappointing.
Reason to not let me out of the house for the Year: Nintendo Switch eShop
Ugh, seriously? This category made a lot more sense when it was safe to actively leave the house. This has been an excellent year for me to avoid buying excess amiibos and alike, because, early in this year, I had genuine fears I wasn’t going to have enough income to buy food. It all worked out about as well as could be expected at this point, but, man, not a great year for randomly indulging in frivolous hobbies. I only bought like 7,000 “cheap” eShop titles during quarantine, so… Okay, maybe I still indulge in frolicsome nonsense. Did I really shell out for Wheel of Fortune? It was only five bucks? Okay, I guess that’s alright then…
Game with the absolute worst release date of the Year: Persona 5 Royal
If it seems like this “year in review” list is dominated by references to the Great Plague of 2020, congratulations, you’ve noticed the theme, and nothing about that is going to change. From March on, this year has been conquered by COVID-19 (which is pretty damn impressive considering 2020 was an election year), and basically the whole of the world has been changed as a result. I am only noting this in case someone was lucky enough to be in a coma for the last ten months, just suddenly awoke, and immediately dashed over to Gogglebob.com for my annual year in review (hi, Walter, welcome back!). Everyone else reading this? I’m sure I don’t need to remind you. Anyway, this nonsense really kicked into gear around March 20 (to my recall), and Persona 5 Royal was released on March 31. And you know what nobody wants during an unprecedented pandemic that has changed life as we know it? A game that reminds you of The Before Times, both in its “real life”-based gameplay, and the fact that it is 90% a game you already played back during better times (and it had significant issues then). So, sorry, Persona 5 Royal, you managed to release at exactly the wrong time, and, while your protagonist might have the exact same “it’s quarantine” haircut I was sporting in April, it was not a great time to engage with an 80 hour, recycled JRPG.
Compilation of the Year: Namco Museum Archives Vol. 1 and Vol. 2
AKA the Namcot Collection, this (these) compilation of NES Namco titles is notable for bringing us unique versions of games that could otherwise be lost to history. Or, to put it another way, we finally got that one Splatterhouse game. It might not be the best game out there, but, like Pac-Land or Dragon Buster, it’s something that should at least be available somewhere. And, bonus, we got unique “demake” versions of Gaplus and Pac-Man Championship Edition. This year was great for arcade-style games that are more focused on score attacks than… uh… focusing, so this Namco compilation really ate the power pellet.
… Would have been nice if it was all one, appropriately priced package, though…
Title of the Year: Cyberpunk 2077
I have not purchased and/or played Cyberpunk 2077. I have simply been an amused audience for all the glitches and nonsense that has been associated with this game that may very well be decent under this pile of glitches (OG Final Fantasy 15 filled that space a few years back), but there is no way I’m shelling out for a title that apparently was born on the backs of abused employees. That said? Holy cow is that a terrible title. Cyberpunk 2077? You’re just going to go ahead and name your game after a target that, head’s up, you’re not even remotely hitting? That would be like taking a game that mixed flying space stations and war machines with swords and sorcery, and then naming it something like “Fantasy Genre”! That’s just silly!
System of the Year: Nintendo Switch
Playstation 5 and Xbox Whatever: It’s The Next One were both released this year. Did I jump on them? No. Was it because I’d rather have an occasionally portable system that inexplicably contains compilations of every Mega Man franchise (save that one with the dork on the moon)? Yes. Thanks for being you, Nintendo Switch. You didn’t even need that Collection of SaGa to win this spot, but it was a nice bonus.
DLC of the Year: Pokémon Sword & Shield: Isle of Armor / Crown Tundra
I just like the bulbous headed deer that rides the horsey. That thing is better than Steve. I’m sure there are other reasons to enjoy the two expansions of Pokémon Sword/Shield, but the horsey comes immediately to mind. Maybe there was a karate bear? I don’t recall. He is nothing before the horsey.
Remake of the Year: Resident Evil 3
Uh… see the next section for the real winner of this category. Second runner up? Well, that Trials of Mana remake wasn’t so hot, so I guess Resident Evil 3. That seemed like a nice upgrade over the original. Staaaaaars and whatnot. Moving on…
Game of the Year: Final Fantasy 7 Remake
Look, there’s a part of me that screams “I don’t want to be that guy”. Last year, I chose Kingdom Hearts 3 as my game of the year. Before that (may have missed a year in there), I chose a nostalgic Sonic the Hedgehog title. So, what, my favorite every year is going to be some kind of “retro” videogame that reminds me of when I was young and pure and playing games that generally involved murdering monsters and robots? Apparently! I’d love to be original, I’d love to choose a game that is new and different and maybe involves a severed Medusa head, but here I am, choosing another Square Enix title that wallows in nostalgia and years of anticipation.
But at least Final Fantasy 7 Remake is right there with me. As discussed extensively in my original article on the subject, Final Fantasy 7 Remake has a lot to say about the past, the present, and the “good vibes” one gets from hanging out with old friends (even if those friends are remembered as 32-bit jumbles of polygons). It’s also just plain fun. FF7R is insightful and you get to fight a tonberry for no real reason. Could I ask for anything more? Well, yes, Aerith and Tifa could finally kiss, but they do have to save something for the sequel.
Games I’m sure are great, but I haven’t played: Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Hades, Shantae and the Seven Sirens, Among Us, Moon
Look, just be glad I played any new videogames at all this year. It was a rough time! I barely even played Super Mario 3D All-Stars, and that should have been a slam dunk!
Gogglebob.com Introspection 2020
I’ve spent enough of this article bemoaning a terrible year for literally everyone I know (and don’t know!). But it’s also the year I got married. That was nice! And speaking of nice, this site has given me something “frivolous” to focus on through thick and thin, so I’m pretty happy with that, too. I maintain that this “project” is winding down (I swear I’m not going past FGC #655! I mean it this time!), but that doesn’t mean I’m preparing to abandon everything here. And this was the year that I picked up consistent live streaming with some friends, so that was an unexpected bonus of 2020, too. 2020 may have robbed us of my originally intended FGC #500 (I’ll make the real version… one day), but Gogglebob.com had a good year otherwise…
Oh, and here are some favorite articles from the year (not already casually mentioned edition):
FGC #473 Dragon Warrior 4
FGC #479 Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse
FGC #497.1 Tokyo Mirage Sessions ♯FE
FGC #503 Final Fantasy 5
FGC #520 X-Men: Children of the Atom
FGC #527 Mega Man & Bass & I Wanna Be The Guy
FGC #538 Cadillacs and Dinosaurs
FGC #541 Splatterhouse
And that’s it for this godforsaken year. Here’s looking for to a 2021 that isn’t such a bummer!
What’s next? Random ROB is back and has chosen… Street Fighter: The Movie. Oh boy! It’s movie time! Please look forward to it!
World of Final Fantasy Part 05
Chapter 15: Mako Reacting
Initial Stream: 10/14/20
BEAT is missing, so guest commentator Abby Denton has joined us for the night as we raid a Mako Reactor.
2:30 – Spoilers: This game may or may not eventually tie into the one and only Xenogears in the exact same way that Xenosaga tied into the one and only Xenogears. Or maybe it won’t. It is a mystery.
12:00 – Apparently there is a Lupin III Sega Saturn game. It’s not Fighter’s Megamix, though, so that is a point against it.
21:00 – This dungeon is mostly a throwback to Final Fantasy 7’s initial “bombing run” level. That said, if you were expecting it to end with a FF7 cameo, or something from its extended universe (Shelke is apparently still here), you’d be disappointed, as the finale features the Black Mages. Er… to be clear, that is the black mages of Final Fantasy 9, not the musical group.
26:00 – More anime that is weirdly CG-based, while we discuss Plumed Knight during one of the few chapters where she doesn’t appear.
29:00 – BEAT steps in to point out Funko Pop sex is terrible (and so is this game)
What actually happened in the plot: After regaining their powers thanks to irrelevant Dirge of Cerberus Guest Character Shelke, the twins venture through a Mako Reactor (which, incidentally, is later named by Edgar as a discovered, unknown technological area called “Midgar”). Apparently the reactor is being protected by a group of black mages led by Vivi. After attempting to capture Vivi in a pokéball, Vivi “awakens”, and then leads his black mage buddies to destroy the reactor. This frees Figaro, which leads to King Edgar offering his thanks and an apology for the whole “tossing everyone in a dungeon” thing. Vivi was also apparently holding onto the Earth Key, so now we’ve got half the necessary elemental macguffins in this world. We’re told the next key should be past the Big Bridge, so we head off there after Bahamut makes an ominous, split-second appearance.
Chapter 16: A Bridge Too Boring
Initial Stream: 10/14/20
1:46 – Eiko appears, and she introduces a bridge that is fairly big. It’s apparently this world’s Alexander summon all bridge-ified, so I guess we should be thankful we get a summoner that is at least marginally related to Alexander’s big Final Fantasy 9 moment.
5:40 – Some great animation here right before the second summoner in this game gets kidnapped while the heroes aren’t paying attention.
15:30 – GIG-AN-TAUR!… is at least something to brighten up this boring dungeon. It’s a straight line from toe to tip.
26:00 – Let’s talk about the Super Mario Bros movie while nothing happens and I get lost. Apparently I was supposed to trigger a cutscene somewhere up at the top of the bridge, but I missed that, and now I’m stuck wandering around like an idiot. This happens a lot this night.
34:00 – fanboymaster provides a detailed explanation of How Final Fantasy 7 hidden characters could have worked. I for one welcome a Yuffie that is impossible in every way.
38:36 – Finally back to plot. It’s Buttz and Boko!
45:00 – Abby explains that she was the person who originally named all the Pokemon. This story may or may not be accurate.
55:00 – Talking about voting opposite Gilgamesh showing up. Will we be streaming on election night? I have no earthly idea. (Spoilers from the future: nope!)
What actually happened in the plot: The Big Bridge was apparently summoned by a jiant some time ago, so that’s probably another oblique reference to the mysterious and missing mother of the twins. Eiko is keeping track of the bridge, but Plumed Knight (who has some enigmatic connection to mirages) fights and kidnaps the tiny summoner. As a result, the twins have to cross the bridge on foot, and they meet Bartz, who is searching for someone who is posing as him. Apparently it’s Gilgamesh, and he’s not so much posing as Bartz as just shouting “Bartz!” over and over again while causing mayhem. Did people think he was a Pokémon? Regardless, Gilgamesh is banished from the bridge, Bartz retires to parts unknown, and the team moves onto a dark area that hopefully holds the next key.
Chapter 17: THE TRAIN GRAVEYAR- WAIT A SECOND! YOU CAN’T BE HERE! YOU WEREN’T EVEN IN THIS VIDEO!!!!
Initial Stream: 10/14/20
As relayed by BEAT
You know, when I yelled at Gogglebob to let me do this one, I hadn’t realized that the video was an HOUR AND A HALF LONG WHAT THE FUCK GOGGLEBOB WE TALKED ABOUT THIS OH MY GOD.
00:00 – So I haven’t watched the prior two videos and only caught enough of the stream to get SUPER PISSED OFF at the idea of Funko Pops Fucking, so I’m not 100% sure on how the anime teens found a train to Halloweentown. I’m just gonna roll with it.
01:00 – Up till this point, both Anime Teens have been completely devoid of anything resembling personality, so it’s kind of equal parts refreshing and shocking when the girl completely loses her shit and swears one thousand times revenge on the Halloween train’s Cactuar Conductor.
And like, it comes out of literally fucking nowhere, and has actual effort and CRAFT put into the animation, while adding literally nothing to the plot? When was it established that her personality is ANGRY GIRL? What the fuck just happened?
06:00 – The murder attempt aborted, The anime teens and their horrible mascot ride the train to some Parthenon looking building called… TOMETOWN OF THE ANCIENTS. Anyways some vampires threaten them, but then some dork who uses too much hairspray (Editor’s Note: it Cloud) shows up and saves them I guess whatever.
10:30 – Cloud takes the kids to Celes, who’s wearing what APPEARS to be the Funko pop version of Cammy’s outfit from street fighter. Also a CID, but it’s not the Cid who likes rockets and swear words, so it’s the WRONG CID. Anime boy is racist against robots. Anime girl has interesting ideas about English syntax.
19:50 – So I seriously thought it was gonna be a LIBRARY DUNGEON, but instead the official dungeon for this area is some kinda train graveyard. I genuinely like the visual design, with the misty blue backdrop of rusted, decaying train cars in stacks hundreds of feet into the sky. as far as places to wander around and accumulate XP go.
21:00 – Fanboy takes the very reasonable stance that the Train Graveyard in FF7 isn’t in his top 10 locations from the game. Abby calls his bluff, which was a mistake because Fanboy never bluffs.
34:20 – I zoned out for awhile during my listening session, so I’m honestly not sure why the commentary crew is suddenly talking about public urination. I’m willing to concede that the commentary crew is probably right on the basic point that you could learn a lot about someone by how they react to uh.. that. But also, what the fuck no stop.
45:00 – I’m learning a lot about a Magical Gay Vampire Queen? And her cotton candy girlfriend? Good for them.
1:04:20 – The following exchange has been preserved with only minimal editing.
PAST GOGGLEBOB, IN THE VIDEO: I could make a political Joke right now…
PRESENT BEAT, LISTENING TO THE VIDEO: Don’t you fucking dare.
PAST GOGGLEBOB: …but it would be way too obvious.
PRESENT BEAT SIGHS AND THEATRICALLY WIPES HIS BROW IN RELIEF.
PAST FANBOYMASTER: So let’s not.
PRESENT BEAT: Thank you Fanboy I knew you were my realest friend for a reason.
PAST ABBY: We’re all gonna die, go for it.
PRESENT BEAT: What the fuck Abby, I trusted you!
PAST GOGGLEBOB: "The democratic party…"
PRESENT BEAT: NO! NOOOOO!!!!!
PAST GOGGLEBOB: "…is hoarding its Elixirs"
PRESENT BEAT ASCENDS TO HIGHER LEVEL OF RAGE, SCREAMING FIE AND DAMNATION, SWEARING VENGENCE.
1:04:54 – Gimmie Gimmie!
1:07:45 – This game’s cutscenes keep getting ALMOST good and its FRUSTRATING.
Like I keep going "WAIT SHIT IS THIS GAME… GOOD?" and the answer is always "NO" and it’s starting to get on my nerves.
1:10:00 – Time to kill a vampire I guess.
1:13:20 – For like a good 3 minutes I really thought they were just gonna say "Hahah good thing we killed the vampire before you had a chance to turn since we established that killing him would restore everyone he turned 3 cutscenes ago." That would have almost been clever. Instead they had her turn in the post fight cutscene, and then the vampire is stabbed immediately afterwards, and she turns back. I have NO IDEA why that whole runaround was in the game at all.
1:19:00 – Tometown is much more visually appealing when its not full of vampires.
1:26:10 – "LOVE YOURSELF, BITCH!"
What actually happened in the plot: The anime Teens ride the Halloween train to Library Land, meet the MOST POPULAR FINAL FANTASY CHARACTER EVER (And Celes (And a fake Cid)) and conclude that it’s time to hunt a vampire. After like an hour or so of dungeon wandering, the sister gets kidnapped, and turned into a vampire for exactly 30 seconds. Then they kill the vampire and she’s fine. Then they go back to library land and get the exposition. Editor’s Addition: And they also obtain the Key of Darkness, bringing the total magical key count up to three out of four.
Next time in World of Final Fantasy: You gonna get wet.
World of Final Fantasy Part 04
Chapter 11: Creatively Bankrupt
Initial Stream: 10/7/20
If you notice that some mirages have evolved between updates, it’s because evolving is boring and unfulfilling in this game, and we don’t need to watch that.
2:00 – We’re kicking this one off with some obscure/interesting The Bouncer facts, but what’s more important is that Rydia appears. … Okay, yeah, there might be some species of turtle that are more relevant than The Bouncer facts.
11:00 – Our dungeon du jour is a volcano named Valley Seven (which Rydia helpfully identified as our goal), and BEAT and fanboymaster have trust issues regarding GOG.
14:00 – There is always time to talk about Skies of Arcadia.
19:00 – There is never time to talk about Jabberjaw.
24:00 – After trying and failing to find what makes Final Fantasy dungeons distinctive, we settle on the main issue of World of Final Fantasy: The Sonic Mania Problem. Basically, WoFF has some interesting ideas, but it is shackled to continually rehashing stories that were more interesting in their original, less funko-based incarnations. This whole dungeon is basically “Rydia is afraid of fire”, but that beat played a lot better in the game where Rydia was a five year old, and you personally burned down her whole life. … Uh, Final Fantasy 4 makes sense in context.
30:00 – I am elated to learn there is a Munsters Wiki. BEAT is elated to learn how easily we can game the profanity filters.
34:00 – Rydia’s confession about being afraid of fire holds a little more oomph when you’re not already inside of a volcano.
37:00 – Head’s up, BEAT is hitting the rum.
45:00 – After discussion of Other World, possibly the least appropriate Final Fantasy song ever, it’s time for the boss of the area, Big ol’ Bomb. Go now, if you want it.
48:00 – Leviathan washes this chapter out with a fully-animated splash.
What actually happened in the plot: Rydia informs us there are two prophecies, Prophecy: Azure and Prophecy: Crimson, and they’re pretty similar, but have some key differences. For instance, you can only catch Meowth in Prophecy: Azure. Rydia leads us to Valley Seven to find the first key (that is apparently in both prophecies) and conquer her fear of fire… but the second goal doesn’t go too well. Fortunately, our peppy hero boy is able to give Rydia a sufficient pep(py) talk, so she quells a raging inferno. After our protagonists grab that all important key, Leviathan, possibly goaded by the mysterious Plumed Knight, summons a tidal wave to push the party off track. Additionally, that same knight kidnaps Rydia… but our “heroes” were too busy drowning to even notice that happened.
Chapter 12: It’s All Butt
Initial Stream: 10/7/20
1:00 – Frogs, Chu Chu Rocket, hoping to see Cid… You know how it goes.
6:00 – It’s Snow! Final Fantasy 13: Lightning Returns discussion happens. This is basically Snow of/pantomiming Final Fantasy 13-2: How Serah Got Her Groove Back if you’re curious, though.
8:00 – Prompted by the appearance of this game’s second Shiva (the first was not a lesbian motorcycle, but a schoolgirl back in Chapter 3), BEAT recounts some impressions relayed by Talking Time’s Shivam regarding Shiva. Anybody got a link to that? It’s probably only a hundred billion years old (in internet years).
12:00 – Audrey the Marlboro joins that party as BEAT references How to Make a Sprite Comic in 8 Easy Bits again. I am quickly learning that the entirety of BEAT’s knowledge of Final Fantasy comes from sprite comics and people who write sprite comics. This… might be okay.
17:00 – A special shout out to everyone that watches these streams, and then comments in the attendant chat. I have a hard time keeping up during the stream, but I always read everything afterwards, and it’s all good. In this case, fanboymaster relays that Zef managed to recall some of the worst interviews from FF13’s director. Let’s never consider the intricacies of Lightning’s chest again.
21:00 – Princess Flan totally originates from Final Fantasy 4, and, because I had to explain that, I’m not explaining this:
28:00 – Almost at the end of this soggy dungeon, and BEAT posits that no one has ever actually purchased a Funko Pop. Buddy, people are buying Funko Pops, and you don’t want to see the friggen Funko “walls” that are made of the lil’ packaging bricks.
32:00 – Our boss battle is against a giant flan, which is basically what Snow did in Final Fantasy 13-2. He didn’t do it well there, but he’s doing pretty alright here. Must be the lack of time traveling. Snow’s general age and deal is discussed in more detail here, too.
37:00 – BEAT would march through Hell for his wife, so he’s basically Snow. I don’t know how I feel about that.
What actually happened in the plot: Our duo washed up on the shore of some swamp. After uncursing a frog, they are joined by Snow, who wants to fight a “jiggly”. That jiggly is apparently a giant flan that occasionally menaces Snow’s hometown… so basically this entire chapter is assisting Snow in an extermination job. It’s a living. After defeating the flan, Snow heads on home, and our heroes walk forward to… somewhere.
Chapter 13: Lightning Returns
Initial Stream: 10/7/20
0:00 – We’re starting right where the last chapter left off, with a detailed conversation about Final Fantasy 13. And Star Fox Command. Look, they’re both surprisingly queer, and it’s up to the viewer to determine whether or not that’s deliberate.
7:00 – fanboymaster provides some additional information on Final Fantasy development histories. This info may explain why Kingdom Hearts 3 and Final Fantasy 15 were released last week, while Final Fantasy 13 was released seventeen billion years ago.
11:00 – There’s a bit of an inadvertent plot synopsis provided here. We’re currently trekking through The Phantom Sands, a desert that is fifty feet away from a marsh, which is one tidal wave away from a volcano.
14:00 – Cactuar! And it’s ours!
19:00 – Amingo is discussed in a looping desert where you have to follow cactuar statues… let’s move on to some Wolverine movie discussion. Not X-Men discussion, just Wolverine. This is very 90’s.
29:00 Let’s face a sandworm boss that has nothing to do with Final Fantasy 5, and compare our beloved cactuar to Minecraft Steve, who is back in the news for some reason.
32:00 – And Lightning appears to save our heroes. We get rescued by creatures that are little more than high functioning action figures pretty often.
37:00 – Edgar and Castle Figaro appear… so it’s time to discuss Hyrule Warriors again. We apparently have some evergreen interests. This time it’s marginally relevant to the plot! I swear!
What actually happened in the plot: After stopping by a desert oasis, the party ventured through The Phantom Sands until encountering a clutch of sandworms. Lightning rescued our hapless heroes, and they all regrouped at another, different oasis. They learn that the four keys are elemental-themed (duh, it’s Final Fantasy), but they also gulp down some spiked drinks, so they’re not prepared for the inevitable attack from a castle buried in the sand. The Plumed Knight appears, defeats Lightning, and then magically locks the twins’ gauntlets, leaving them more helpless (and hopeless!) than usual. King Edgar Roni Figaro sentences the powerless teens to rot in his castle’s basement.
Initial Stream: 10/7/20
2:20 – Guess we’re in prison now. Happens once every Final Fantasy game, so we were probably due. Zef notes deep voiced funko pops are… different.
5:00 – No Mirages/Monsters will be allowed for this chapter’s battles, but we do have (cheated) items to see us through… and then Smol Squall!
9:30 – Squall is going to be our guest for the chapter, so we discuss Final Fantasy 8, friendship lore, and NORG. My opinions on this matter are well established.
15:00 – While the party goes dumpster diving, we discuss Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie: The Song.
19:11- I have questions about this!
Is every guest FF character just using their own battle system when they appear? And if so, can I play that game?
20:00- Shelke of Dirge of Cerberus meets us at the start of the next chapter, which leads to our third “canon” party wipe (Second at the hands of a Final Fantasy guest character). We’re only starting this chapter so we can get to a save point now, because it’s getting late.
24:00 – But before we quit, let’s quickly make a stop back home… Hey why is there still a half hour in the video…
35:00 –Okay, which is cuter, a stack of Final Fantasy mascot monsters, or this guy?
45:00 – And here’s Rikku’s side story opposite a discussion on Cavia/Nier/Drakengard. Look, I really thought it would just be a quick thing here, but between rebalancing my monsters and side stories that apparently take ten minutes each, time marches on. Sorry! Maybe next time I’ll finish a little earlier!
What actually happened in the plot: The twins were tossed in a basement without their magical powers or the ability to command monsters. However, they were rescued by Smol Squall, who granted the kids the ability to command mechanical “monsters” to survive the chapter. Squall is working with SeeD and The League of S, and Edgar is apparently a double agent on the side of the angels, too. This whole “imprisoning” thing was a ploy to get our heroes down to the basement of Figaro so they could make their way to Mako Reactor #1 to free Figaro from Bahamutian control. Squall helps a little, but leaves in time to make way for Shelke, who unlocks the power of the gauntlets again. Now we can summon monsters and robots, so Figaro should be free by lunch time.
Also, there are many oblique references across this chapter to the fact that “mecha”-style monsters are not actually supposed to be in the World of Final Fantasy, and their presence is the result of some unknown “invading force”. I absolutely assure you that this will not end in another Goggle Bob Let’s Play that has overt, but “must never actually be named” ties to Xenogears. That would be silly.