Tag Archives: vocaloids

FGC #592 Muse Dash

Let's DashSo you’ve decided to get into the wonderful world of the videogame rhythm genre. Good for you! Rhythm games are some of the best pickup and play games out there, as they traditionally feature challenges that are exactly one song’s length. No half-hour failure states to be seen in this genre! And the music! Who doesn’t love music? Nobody, that’s who! So everyone should love rhythm games, too!

But, please be aware that there are three distinct kinds of rhythm games. In an effort to help a neophyte understand what has been happening in this genre that has been kicking around for 25 years, please enjoy a quick rundown of the places you’ll see.

The Artisanal Rhythm Game

There were proto-rhythm games practically as long as gaming has existed (anyone remember that bit in Back to the Future? I guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet), but many point to PaRappa the Rapper as the true origin of what we consider to be rhythm games. And it makes sense! This was one of the first games released on a CD-based system that could handle something like “real” songs (if there is a library of early PC games weeping in the corner at this statement: good), and, after a slew of games where children wearing their pants backwards demanded that you make their videos, someone had finally figured out a good way to marry music to gameplay. On a superficial level, PaRappa was just pressing prescribed buttons to a preset beat. But on a practical level? Like all artisanal rhythm games, PaRappa was an inimitable experience that left an indelible impression on anyone that dared take driving lessons with a rapping dog.

Take it easyAnd why was PaRappa so unforgettable? Well, quite simply, because it was fun while goddamned everything about it funneled back into “make this more fun”. It was fun to press buttons to the beat. It was fun to be ranked “cool”. It was fun to meet these goofy characters. It was fun to see this unique art style in motion. The music was fun. The graphics were fun. Even seeing a game over screen, complete with PaRappa lamenting how he apparently did not believe hard enough, is fun. Absolutely everything about PaRappa fed back into one incredibly solid presentation, and, while the game was maybe not as long as those “70 hour JRPGs” that were also on the system, every moment you did play was incredible. It was not just about the songs or the lyrics or the characters, it was everything.

PaRappa the Rapper itself had a handful of sequels, and there were a few other games outside of PaRappa’s universe that tried for something similar. Gitaroo-Man immediately springs to mind as one of the luminaries of this era of rhythm games, but there was also the likes of Mad Maestro and Vib-Ribbon. All of these titles were unique not in just their subjects and presentations, but also in that they generally had wildly different ways to interpret “rhythm” as more than merely “press X when I say so”. Um Jammer Lammy and Gitaroo-Man both strummed their guitars in very different ways. And, give or take the classics of Mad Maestro, all of these games had wholly unique soundtracks that had to be good songs and good levels.

Unfortunately, it seems that this kind of presentation was not sustainable. Even at the height of the artisanal rhythm game age, there were only a few Space Channels to tune into. Entirely “artisanal” titles basically required that the games last about as long as your average album (or maybe a 2-disc greatest hits CD set), and, amazing presentation or no, people wanted more content. Pouring piles of resources into a 40 minute experience was never going to be viable, and the only reason we have a modern descendant of this age of rhythm games is that apparently Hatsune Miku is more prodigious than we ever could have imagined. If you want a Gitaroo-esque experience, you basically need to sign on with a Vocaloid. Otherwise, you are probably playing with the rhythm genre that ate artisanal’s lunch…

The Song-based Rhythm Game

Stay classyThis one makes sense, right? You play rhythm games for the music, so why not base the entire game around the music. Drop any unnecessary graphics, give up on even the illusion of a story, make all the characters generic avatars, and pour your entire budget into licensing rights. Maybe invest an extra six bucks in some hunk of plastic vaguely shaped like a musical instrument, and, bingo bongo, you’ve got an award-winning genre. Guitar Hero killed the Gitaroo-Man.

And that may not have been a bad thing.

If we acknowledge that artisanal rhythm titles were unsustainable, then perhaps we should admit that the likes of Guitar Hero, Rock Band, or even Dance Dance Revolution could be an infinite source of games. There is new music being produced every second of every day, and it would not be impossible to adapt every week’s Top 40 to a Rock Band chart. And, looking at a few digital storefronts, I am pretty sure the Rock Band DLC model tried that! And why wouldn’t they? When divorced from the burden of things like varied presentation or any semblance of a plot, you can just sync up your game to the radio and call it a day. Nobody is ever going to complain about more Beatles songs!

And while it may sound harsh to repeatedly insult an entire genre because nobody wanted to dress a teenager up in a winged helmet anymore, let us be clear on one thing: these rhythm games are just as fun as their more intricate forbearers. There is a reason the Guitar Hero controller became a staple of households in the early 21st Century, and you will pry my Taiko: Drum Master drum from my cold, calloused drummin’ hands. Some attempts within this genre did not work particularly well (hello again, DJ Hero), but whether you were rolling out a dance mat or an entire multipiece rock band, the rhythm games that existed to support their song libraries were universally fun. And modern releases in this genre (Taiko drumming is back, baby) remind us that we do not need ridiculous peripherals to have fun. Of course, Just Dance 20XX already knew that…

ShinyBut, as Rock Band gradually faded into memory (and Dance Dance Revolution barely made it out of the 90s), a simple question was posed: could rhythm games get back to being games? Sure, we have all seen people use a DDR mat to beat Final Fantasy 7, but could there be games designed to be videogames and rhythm games? Not quite the rhythm experiences of the artisanal titles, and something that could include a playlist like your typical Guitar Hero? Well…

The Rhythm Game Games

What makes a videogame a videogame? Why is digital solitaire considered some kind of empty diversion, while Triple Triad is lauded as the second coming of Cyber Jesus? How is Tetris the most important videogame of all time, while Candy Crush is exploitative dreck? Because nerds are snobs we have certain expectations about what makes a videogame a videogame. If you want to differentiate Lord of the Rings cosplay from a formal Final Fantasy game, you need a few of those trappings that always work as bullet points on the back of a box. Leveling system? Item management? Crafting? Gimme something, potential videogame, otherwise you will have to wallow in the Minesweeper pit.

Hit itDespite ranking and scores, there is a lot about the Song-based Rhythm Games Collection that does not feel like a videogame. It is just pressing buttons to a rhythm! You could annoy the rest of the freeway and just do that with your FM radio and a car horn! Similarly, while the Artisanal Rhythm Game may have all the progress and “numbers go up” you would expect from seeing Cloud venture forth to murder the guy with the best hair on the planet, the natural limits of the presentation preclude unlimited song variety. If only there were a way to keep a rhythm game visually interesting, include a variety of “systems” to keep the gamers happy, but still keep it simple enough to slot in an entire Top 40 worth of content. And it wouldn’t hurt if there were unlockables for days, too…

The Rhythm Game Games scratch the rhythm and game itches equally. On one hand, you have a game that is simple enough to support an initial pile of songs, and then include DLC tunes that will last until the workers stop building them new ones. On the other hand, you have all sorts of interesting “systems” included, and many of these systems allow you to unlock new songs, styles, and playable characters. Can you do such in other games? Of course! But in a Rhythm Game Game, it actually matters.

Take the title that inspired today’s article: Muse Dash. Muse Dash touts “97 initial popular songs” and “continuous free updates” as of its 2019 launch. Playing this title two years later, I am pretty sure I have discovered it currently includes 9,409 songs… though my math may be a tweak off. It takes a while to scroll through the song menus! And the sheer variety of songs available is important, because you are going to want to play through a lot of songs as Muse Dash allows your “player profile to level up”, and earn a lot of bits and baubles along with every level up. Want to earn all the playable characters? The “playable” assistants? Loading screen images? Marginally animated title screens? Well then you better get to playing through some of those 88,000,000 songs, because you have a lot of trophies to earn!

Look awayActually, referring to all the collectibles in Muse Dash as “trophies” is wildly reductive. Star high school quarterbacks and gamers alike all eventually learn the same truth: trophies are useless. But in Muse Dash, you earn actual gameplay elements. There are multiple characters to unlock (well, technically, there are only three characters, but they have multiple costumes that apparently change said character’s personalities, so same diff), but, more important than the cosmetic changes, every character allows for a different play “style”. One choice allows “excellent” ratings to be more easily attainable, while another continues the combo count regardless of an errant button press. One option even transforms the game into a vertical mode! In much the same way that playing as different characters in a fighting game radically changes the experience, the possibilities in Muse Dash similarly change the game. And that is before we get to the “helper” characters that not only offer different possibilities individually, but may combine with the playable characters in strange, unique, or just plain profitable ways. Think of all the different ways you can combine these choices into a game that is wholly customized for you!

Why, it is almost like there is an entire game in these menus before you play the rhythm game proper. It is a Rhythm Game Game.

This is, of course, nothing new in gaming. The idea that you spend more time outside of battles fiddling in menus in Pokémon or Final Fantasy alike is something that was established well before the turn of the millennium. And, in fact, simulating that “menu play” from Final Fantasy may have accidentally birthed this whole genre in Final Fantasy Theatrhythm. This is all nothing new to gaming at large, but it is new to the rhythm genre that has never really found the same kind of foothold as beat ‘em ups, fighting games, or even rogue-likes. Thanks to games like Muse Dash, people who “like videogames” can like rhythm games!

Or… uh… it looks like the company that made Muse Dash filed for bankruptcy in April?

Looking forward to updating this article with the next, next generation of rhythm games!

FGC #592 Muse Dash

  • Good coloringSystem: Nintendo Switch is where I played it, and this apparently also has a following on mobile devices. … But playing without buttons is not for me. Warioware can go touch itself.
  • Number of players: You could see how split screen could work for this without much effort, but this is definitely one player.
  • Sexual Dimorphism is a Scourge: There does not seem to be a single named male character in this entire game. That’s good! And the first item on the PeroPeroGames webstore is a statue of the Muse Dash heroine in bunny lingerie. That’s bad! The background noise of Muse Dash seems to split its attention between “bubblegum cute” and “these characters are sexy and bouncing” amongst its various menus, but the actual gameplay and general tone leans closer to “cute”.
  • Favorite Song: I would very much like to tell you my favorite song, but… I lost it. There was one in there I really liked! And I should have marked it as a favorite, as now it is lost in the hundreds-strong playlist of Muse Dash. The dangers of always adhering to that “random” button…
  • Favorite Stage: If I have one major complaint about Muse Dash, it’s that it contains a whole seven stages for its billion songs, and of those, approximately 80% seem to utilize the boring “Space Station” area (which looks more like a construction site). That said, the Castle area, filled with ghosts, skeletons, and a succubus, should be the dominant level. Those goofy vampires look so happy!
  • Get 'emDid you know? This game recommends you wear wired headphones on every boot. I have not worn headphones with a gaming system since… the Sega Genesis. What? I usually play in a room by myself! I like a warm sound in the room… Or to be listening to something else.
  • Would I play again: This is a fun game to have loaded on my Switch forever. I could see playing a song here or there when I have a few moments between more dedicated playing experiences. … Or when I’m waiting for Smash Bros. to download an update… Whatever! This is a fun gamey game, and I can continue to earn bibs and baubles while playing great songs anytime.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest! It’s time to see if we can reassemble even a single Dracula! Please look forward to it!

Let's go!
Sometimes things can get hectic

FGC #185.2 Hatsune Miku: Project Diva (series)

Dance for me!And now it’s time to complain about Project Diva for the exact reason I just spent an entire article praising it.

Hey, I’m a complicated guy.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a tendency to… indulge in the histories of fictional characters. I literally cannot remember a time in my life when this was not the case (personally, I blame Nintendo Power reaming paragraphs of biographical information out of those glowy balls in Castlevania 3), but I have distinct memories of discussing the backgrounds of Robot Masters with friends in grade school (“There has to be a reason there’s a Snake Man and a Toad Man!”), and later spending time at my grandparents’ home and sneaking off with a laptop to read up on SoulCalibur character profiles. Obviously, this trend has continued into my adulthood, as I can somehow recount the life and times of violent skeleton ghosts at the drop of a hat. It’s pretty inevitable that, should I enjoy Media X, then I’ll be up until 4 am on X-wiki sussing out the complete tale of Character Y. And, to be clear, this doesn’t just apply to videogames; let me tell you about my universal savior.

So it was only natural that, when I discovered I really enjoyed Hatsune Miku: Project Diva F, I had to dive into the Vocaloid fandom. I wasn’t going to start putting together any transgender cosplay or anything (… probably), but you better believe I wanted an explanation for everything I was seeing during these eclectic music videos. Why is that woman always in the sad videos? Are these two supposed to be twins? Is the pink haired one, like, the mom? And why is the star of the show sometimes villainous? None of this makes any sense, but I’m sure there’s an online resource to explain what I’m seeing.

And… there wasn’t.

Well, alright, that’s not completely true. There are, of course, billions of words on the subject of Hatsune Miku and her Vocaloid buddies. Or toast?But I found that investigating “the real Hatsune Miku” was a fool’s errand no more valid than attempting to explain why Bugs Bunny is a wise-cracking wabbit one minute and a (parenthetically female) opera singer the next. The Vocaloids were created as mascots for a piece of virtual singing software, and no one really felt a need to pin down the exact personality of the virtual divas. There are general roles for these characters, but, by and large, they are deliberately as adaptable as the singing software to which they are attached.

As I covered in the previous article, that’s marvelous, and practically unheard of nowadays. Whether you’re Justin Bieber or Harry Potter, you need to have a defined image, and videogames have been providing these stories for decades. Mario could just be Jump Man, but, no, he’s a proud and courageous plumber that was born through the intervention of bipedal dinosaurs. Ryu is a wandering street fighter that lives for the glory of the fight and maybe to avenge his dead/not-dead master who died/fell asleep at the hands of the malevolent Akuma and his assassin’s fist. Mega Man is a dorky little metal boy with a peashooter that is somehow attached to literally thousands of years of robot wars and apocalypses of various sizes. Come to think of it, how dare Hatsune Miku not have a defined background? What’s the matter, blue hair, having enough backstory to fill up a few pages of a strategy guide not good enough for ya?!

And, while I may have been quietly disrespected by the lack of Vocaloid background beyond “Hatsune is dedicated” or “Rin is eccentric”, I got by. This was an excellent rhythm series, so who cares if the main character is as flat as a chalkboard? What’s important is the experience and the songs! You don’t need a story mode in a rhythm game!

And then… there was one.

ROCK OUTHatsune Miku Project Diva X is the third or fourth Project Diva game released on this side of the Pacific. It is, like its sisters, another rhythm game where you can tap along to your favorite Vocaloid tunes. There is great choreography, fun songs, and the usual mix of quirky ‘n cool that defines the other Project Diva titles. I can’t complain about more of the same, because it’s more of the same good, and, if we’re going to get a new Madden every year, we may as well get a Japanese idol simulator annually to balance out all the testosterone. I’m always going to be down for a new Project Diva, one way or another.

But this Project Diva game had a p…p….plot! The Vocaloids are trapped in some sort of musical limbo, and aren’t even allowed to sing until “you” the player manage a very willing Hatsune Miku to sing through a few hits. Then, once a musical prism has filled with voltage (or… something?), the other Vocaloids are free to sing along through other songs to fill up other prisms. And each prism has a theme like “cool” or “elegant”, and, between songs, the Vocaloids discuss what it means to “be” these abstract concepts. The girls start a rock band! That blue kid becomes an idol! The twins are performing some kind of comedy routine! And it all culminates with a grand performance where they finally make it to regionals! I’m filled with glee!

Wait, no I’m not. I hate this. I just want to get back to the rhythm game. Who would ever want this nonsense?

Oh… right. I did.

So I am again reminded that I have no idea what I want to see in a videogame. I want grand sweeping stories of love and hate and triumphs over adversity… but I’d probably be happier if those stories didn’t actually happen in the videogames themselves. I complain about “gimped” Street Fighter 5 and its teeny tiny story modes, and then And tailsliterally laugh out loud at the complete insanity that is its “real” story mode. I want all the information I can find on the latest Bioshock prior to release, but I ignore those silly audio tapes because I’m playing a videogame, dammit, let me get back to the action and not sit around listening to some doctor prattle on about the wonders of mad science.

I want the story to be there, but I want to ignore it the minute it becomes available. I’m not that hard to please!

And, of course, in this case, the “story” hampers the very thing I enjoy about the experience. I like Hatsune Miku chameleoning into all these different roles and situations for three minutes at a time, and a “set” backstory only obstructs that ability. Batman can’t randomly become a magical girl, but Hatsune Miku can instantly become a hard-boiled vigilante for the length of a song. However, something about that switch loses something when, moments later, Hatsune Miku is back on your screen asking for a new teddy bear for her room.

So, in the end, what’s important is that no one listens to be about videogame writing, because I clearly have issues with not knowing what I want. If anybody needs me, I’ll be back in the Kingdom Hearts corner, scrutinizing some old man for his ridiculous plans to conquer Disney World. That should make me feel better…

FGC #185.2 Hatsune Miku: Project Diva (series)

  • System: Playstation 3, Vita, and still Playstation 4.
  • Number of players: Just one story to unite them all.
  • Not going to talk about the 3DS game? Nah, that’s it’s own thing.
  • So Final Fantasy 4 and Project Diva are both worthy of multiple articles, but not other games? Well, both of those “franchises” have had multiple releases, so I haven’t even done an FGC article for every Project Diva or Final Fantasy 4 game available. And now we don’t have to hear about the Vocaloids again for a while, so everybody wins!
  • She's cute, alright?Favorite Vocaloid: Uh… they’re pretty much all the same? I guess I like the tall, pink-haired one. What’s her name again? Never mind, I don’t want to know anymore.
  • Did you know? Hatsune Miku only made the scene with the Vocaloid software’s second release. She wasn’t there from the beginning! And her entire debut popularity is owed to a welsh onion (citation needed)!
  • Would I play again: The good news is that story mode eventually kind of quits, and then you can do whatever the heck you want. So, yes, I will be randomly replaying bits and pieces of any given Project Diva game as the mood strikes me. Like a fighting game, a good rhythm game is great for pickup ‘n play over some downtime between game “experiences”. So way to go, Hatsune Miku, you succeed despite yourself.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Pokémon Blue! What good timing, as I was just thinking of the original 151 thanks to various cell phone related activities. Bulbasaur rides again! Please look forward to it!

FGC #012 Otomedius Excellent

To everything, turn turn turnOur culture has a problem with death. Obviously, it is a fundamental aspect of being alive to fear death. You may even say it is something of an evolutionary imperative, as every single one of your ancestors lived at least long enough to survive some aspect of puberty, which, if my experience is correct, can last as long as thirty years. Nothing would get done if everyone was dying all the time, which is also why no one ever visits the Fire Planes of Kratok, or the Dread Island of Dr. Lasereverything.

But beyond a personal fear of death, we, as a society, seem to fear the death of others equally. It’s only natural to mourn the passing of a beloved grandparent, or even weep at the thought of losing someone close, no matter what the circumstances. There’s a kind of hope in living, some irrationality that makes us believe that even though Missy the Cat is missing three limbs, 1.5 eyes, her tail, and is starting to smell a bit unusual, maybe she’s going to pull through, and we’ll have our adorable little fluff ball back. It’s absurd from a rational perspective, but dealing with death can almost never be coherent, and witness any “death with dignity” debate to see just how heated convictions can become on this topic. We see death as a threat, and rarely as a mercy.

So it’s only natural that we apply this same brand of thinking to imaginary entities. Done right, death in media can be poignant and lasting, even in a medium like movies where, technically, every single character is effectively erased from existence within an hour and a half, but who can forget the death of REDACTED in REDACTED? On the other side of the coin, there’s “comic book death”, wherein a character that has lasted for six decades is dead now, totally completely dead (otherwise the issue wouldn’t have an entirely black cover with just the logo [and price tag]), and, make no mistake, this character is gone forever, please care, and we totally swear he’s not going to be back in eight months in a thrilling, six part trade. It’s, again, irrational, but it seems to work, as comic book companies report major sales every time they kill Spider-Man or Batman or whoever is hopping into the threshing machine this week. It’s death, so it matters.

Pixels the size of golf ballsAnd then there’s the most slippery of all deaths: the death of an idea. It has been said time and time again, by revolutionaries and rulers, that you cannot kill an idea. No matter what, as long as someone thinks it, as long as some ancient grimoire survives, an idea will live on. But ideas in the modern era have become IPs, and people, particularly gamers, are attached to these “ideas”. Ask any Mega Man fan, and you will likely hear a lament regarding the death of the Blue Bomber. If this happens to you, literally slap them in the face, and remind them that in approximately a year’s time, we’ve seen Mega Man the character join one of the most popular franchises of all time, the game series itself wrapped into a brand new, affordable six game set for the newest generation of consoles, and games like Shovel Knight and Mighty No. 9 carrying on the spirit of the little metal boy’s gameplay. But, boo hoo, we haven’t seen Mega Man 11 or Mega Man X9 or Mega Man ZYX Battle Force 4: Purple Flaming Skull of Wily. Ideas, and even IPs, are undead, like Castlevania’s own Dracula, all just biding their time until it’s decided they’ll turn a profit again. Mark my words, if Little Mac can reenter the ring, then we’ll see Master Higgins waddling across the islands again.

But “death” is still scary for us, and if “the public” doesn’t deal well with death, then what of our corporate overlords? Surely they can’t just sit idly by and watch the likes of Gradius or Castlevania fade into memory, supporting only pachinko machines and waiting for some VP twenty years down the line asking “Oh, whatever happened to…” Even if franchises like Parodius don’t sell, there must be a way to transform those precious ideas into earnings, right?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Otomedius Excelllent, the greatest evidence for the concept of IP death with dignity I can find.

Right off the bat, the gameplay here is Gradius. Straight-up Gradius: collect powerups, grab your speed-up, missles, laser (screw you, double), options, and force field, battle in space against weird lines of balls and then on a “planet” of some kind, reach the boss, destroy the core, live, die, repeat. There is practically nothing, from a level to level perspective, that differentiates this game from Gradius. And, to be absolutely clear, this is not a franchise published by some newcomer lawyer dodger that is just aping the original: this is Konami, the originators of Gradius. Konami made a Gradius game, and didn’t call it Gradius. Why?

Look away!Because Vic Vipers don’t go to Heaven.

It’s a known fact that there’s a lucrative “pervert” market in Japan. I mean, let’s not mince words here, there’s a place for porn in every society, it’s not like there isn’t a dildo factory or two hanging around the USA, we just have different kinks. The Land of the Free will keep pumping out games with Greek Murder Gods going for hot coffee with random wenches, and Japan is going to keep producing games for the otaku that eat up underdressed school girls having whacky adventures and often finding themselves comparing bust sizes in hot springs. … Man, come to think of it, I thought my own kinks were oddly specific, but what got an entire subculture hung up on the same stupid beach episodes over and over again?

However it happened, it happened, and it doesn’t seem to be going away, as indicated by that copy of Omega Quintet I purchased last month while I was drunk, I swear, you can’t prove anything. Er-hem. So Konami had the bright idea to solder the teen girl squad dynamic onto Gradius, and, poof, here’s Otomedius Excelllent, it’s like that game you used to play, but bubblegum colored and every time you beat the game, you unlock more and more embarrassing photos of the pilots in various states of undress. It’s the best of no worlds!

Nothing about this is okayKonami couldn’t stop at Gradius, though, the rest of the cast and some locations feature significant references to Parodius, Castlevania, and even Ganbare Goemon (Mystical Ninja, for those of you… no, never mind, if you remember Mystical Ninja at all, you know its Japanese name. Why did I think otherwise?). That’s right, folks, the last anyone saw of a 2-D Belmont was in a magical girl Gradius game. Got your Battle of 1999 right here, guys!

It’s a strange thing, too, as one of my most cherished franchises is Super Smash Bros., which takes a similar “kitchen sink” approach to disparate franchises and characters, but creates an air of reverence and admiration for its cast, as opposed to what we see here, where the order of the day seems to be to transform icons into teenage girls and stick ‘em in bloomers. Make no mistake, no one is reviving Goemon here because there’s a genuine love for the parent franchise, it’s because, hey, you know what IP we have laying around? Goemon! Let’s design some DLC based on that! And Ebisumaru dies a little more inside. Or farts. He probably farts.

So why do I even own this game that clearly sickens me? Because it is Gradius. As I’ve mentioned, it plays like Gradius, I enjoy Gradius, so I’m going to keep playing it. Sad confession? This is probably one of my most played Xbox 360 games, and exclusively because (we’ve covered this) I like Gradius. It’s fun, it’s “pick up and play”, and I can complete an entire game session inside of an hour or so. When I just want to “play a video game” but still want to avoid getting involved in some forty hour plot or going online and getting my ass whopped by some frame-memorizing savant, I just fire up Gradius… I mean… Otomedius Excelllent, and bust up a few big cores.

Tanuki!According the Wikipedia, the most recent Gradius game released is a 2011 slot machine. Predominantly, the world of shooters now is the likes of Geometry Wars and twin stick shooters, which, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy, but they’re not Gradius. I could just go back to Gradius V, but Otomedius Excelllent does PLAY well, the only issue is it just embarrasses every fiber of my being. I don’t believe Gradius is dead, it’s just enjoying a respite beneath a hill in Avalon, waiting to awaken one day when we are most in need. But in the meanwhile, perhaps we can just let the king rest, build a few more empires in his absence, and let Vic Viper’s return be a celebrated event.

But can we avoid digging up a corpse and sticking a skirt on it. Please?

FGC #12 Otomedius Excelllent

  • System: Xbox 360, which seems wrong, but there it is.
  • Number of Players: 3, though I’ve never been able to admit to another living soul that I own this game. Incidentally, this blog will self destruct in three minutes.
  • Love ya, Konami LadyBest Pilot: Erul Tron, pilot of Lord British. Everytime I remind myself that I can recall this information at will, it feels like there are spiders crawling all over me.
  • But Tell Us How You Really Feel: Honestly, the idea of a “little” Gradius craft is kind of a fun concept. There’s a level that involves racing along a highway, and you’re no bigger than cars; later, there’s a boss that is an “original” Big Core Gradius boss that now completely dwarfs your avatar. It’s really clever for a game that couldn’t be more otaku bait if it included a Vocaloid.
  • Don’t You Own All the US released Vocaloid Games? I like rhythm games. Shut-up.
  • Did You Know? The “Special Edition” is, as of this writing, still available for less than a Jackson on Amazon.com. The Special Edition includes the game, a soundtrack, an art book, a two sided pillow case, and, for absolutely no additional charge, the sound of me silently judging you from afar. It resonates with disappointment.
  • Would I play again? Yeah… (Goggle Bob looks at the floor, forlorn) Yeah…

What’s Next? Random ROB has chosen… Sonic the Hedgehog. It’s the original, Genesis version, for the record. I don’t understand, though, why isn’t Big the Cat in this game? Oh well. Please look forward to it!