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FGC #643 Elden Ring

I never did get that ringI appreciate Elden Ring, because, more than any game I have ever played, it perfectly encapsulates how it feels to be a tourist.

Elden Ring is a FromSoftware title. FromSoftware struck gold a little over a decade ago with Dark Souls, and has had incredible success with that franchise and “soulsborne” titles like Bloodborne and Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice. And, while many have tried to pin down exactly what makes these games so popular (if only to clone that je ne sais quoi so they can make their own piles of money), it seems that several people have settled on one reason these games are great: it is the challenge. Soulsborne titles are known for their unforgiving difficulty, brutal bosses, and any number of sink or swim situations that, more often than not, lead to a ubiquitous “you have died” message. But hope is not lost! These FromSoft games are built around the concept that you will fail, and restarting and reclaiming your lost collectibles is as easy as making your way to wherever you happened to expire, and now, shucks, guess you are here anyway, let’s see if we can make a little more progress this time. And, in this simple death-rebirth-progress-repeat loop, accomplishments are made, and eventually you have every last trophy claiming you have become a freaky god-baby or whatever the hell happened at the end of Bloodborne. In short, calling the appeal of FromSoftware titles “the challenge” is reductive of a carefully tailored gameplay cycle that isn’t all that different from the Dragon Warriors of old.

This is gonna hurtBut I have never cared about any of that. Of course I find FromSoftware games challenging! But I also find Mega Man Legends challenging, too. I have been playing videogames for the last thirty years, and, unless we are talking about a genre/playstyle that I know by heart (that would be the original Mega Man franchise, for instance), I am very likely to die over and over again regardless of “challenge”. I probably pick up a game faster than some people, but I have never had any sort of videogame “sight-reading” dexterity. It takes me a while to learn a new game, and it doesn’t matter if we are talking about Bloodborne or Bloodstained. Every new game is memento mori, and I too will die… and quickly! I might even have a leg up on FromSoftware titles at this point, too, as I kind of know the general pacing now of… How do I put this… “That one guy syndrome”? Like there’s always that one guy… He has a horse in this one… There is always that one guy near the start of the game that there is no way you are beating him right now, so you must come back later, and if you try to spend all your time on him at the start, you are going to have a bad time. And that and other tricks only work so many times, so after fearing the old blood and praising the sun a number of times, I am fairly immune to many FromSoftware tricks. In short, these games are challenging, but they never really felt substantially challenging on my end. They are hard, but everything is hard when you game like a pillow cursed with dummy thumbs.

So how do I experience FromSoft games? Why do I even bother? Well, because the greatest FromSoftware games are about exploring, and I love games based on exploring. As if it wasn’t obvious from a Castlevania game being covered on this site every other month, I enjoy seeing scary monsters, skulking around their lairs, and, ideally, finding all sorts of secret places while rolling around murderous skeletons. FromSoft titles offer this kind of experience in enormous quantities, and I am always happy to dodge some giant’s sword only to accidentally discover a treasure hidey-hole. That is the kind of gaming experience I cherish, and it can only be found in painstakingly constructed castles/planets/forgotten lands. I don’t care if it is a Crocomire or giant land octopus involved, just factor in those breakthroughs, and I’m good.

But I have noticed a curious issue with my Soulsborne playthroughs: I never 100% any of these games.

Poor flightless birdsNow, this is something of an interesting issue. Traditionally, if I enjoy a videogame, I try to wring about as much enjoyment out of it as possible. While this does not always lead to a “platinum trophy” style “do everything” event, it does usually mean I have seen what I consider to be “everything”. For instance, I might not need that 100% of the map filled achievement, but I want to feel like I have spoken to every NPC, and completed every relevant questline. I won’t be finishing the Metroid Dread boss rush anytime soon, but I do feel happy with that perfect item collection rating. My definition of “100% Completion” might not match the opinion of everyone else, but it is a level that leaves me content.

Elden Ring? Not so much. I have completed the game, I have filled in the portions of the map I feel are relevant, and I am happy with my experience. Why? Simple: I am delighted being a tourist.

We have all played The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild before, right? Remember that dude who would give you inventory upgrades if you traded him gold poops? He was in the Warriors game? Hestu! Hestu upgrades your inventory, and you are meant to collect korok seeds across the world, scamper back to Hestu when you have a healthy amount, and then gradually upgrade your capacity as the game proceeds. Know what I did? I missed Hestu! Big ol’ lug is hanging out on one of the most traveled roads in Hyrule, and I completely avoided the doof. This is supposed to be an area/person you see early in your adventure, but I managed to take a different path, and didn’t find Hestu until after I had slain Ganon. I went the entire game with an extremely limited backpack all because I took one wrong turn at Albuquerque about an hour after Link got out of bed. And the damnedest thing about all that? I expected as much! Give me an open world with very clear directions for a neophyte player to “follow this route”, Slice an antand I guarantee you I will find some way to wander off the beaten trail. This is why the glowing path is my friend, because I know without some invasive guidance, I am going to meander off to somewhere I shouldn’t be.

And many people will tell you this is the point of open world games. Leave the guides behind, Goggle Bob! You are exploring just like you’re supposed to! But my issue is not that I am somehow playing the game wrong, it is that I am missing things that will make my life easier. I wanted Hestu’s inventory upgrades! I wanted the ability to carry around every elemental sword this side of Koholint! And I could have had it, if somehow I knew to head in Hestu’s direction. I did not want to use a FAQ or strategy guide, because I didn’t want everything ruined, but a gentle nudge in the right direction of something that would improve my life would be nice.

Elden Ring does not do gentle nudges. Elden Ring is the kind of game that sticks its opening tutorial in a pit that looks portentously deadly. Elden Ring is the kind of game where a “helpful” NPC sends you to your death just to see if you would listen to her. Elden Ring is the kind of game where people debate online what exactly “the hug lady” does, and whether she is secretly trying to kill you. Elden Ring is an extremely opaque game, and, while “working with the community” is intended to be part of the experience (an experience that identifies a lot of turtles as dogs, incidentally), the sheer scope of the Lands Between means that it is very difficult to so much as figure out exactly where you are, left alone effectively ask another human being for directions. I need to know what to do at the castle the dude on the overpass told me to clear out. No, not the castle with the knight with the dragon arm. The other castle. No, not the one with the sickly nerds and the moon woman. I think that was a university…

But this isn’t a knock against Elden Ring, because I have felt this way before. Elden Ring gives me the exact same feeling as being a tourist.

This doesn't look goodLook, I come from a touristy area. I know my entire local economy and livelihood relies on the fact that, for a few months every year, a bunch of sunburned malcontents roam the streets and coffee shops looking for some kind of summer loving (even if that “loving” only applies to a love of a particular slice of pizza). And, while I am well aware I would be living in a van by the river if these tourists did not exist, having lived in this area all my life has granted me an obvious, absurd complex regarding the concept of “tourists”. Those monsters come here! And eat at our restaurants! And clog up our roads! And use our ocean! It is irrational (again, none of these things would exist in the first place if it weren’t for the tourists [okay, maybe the ocean would still be there]), but it is something ingrained in my psyche.

So the idea of me, tourist hater extraordinaire, enjoying being a tourist should be hypocritical. And it is! But, like the entire republican party, I am not going to let being a hypocrite get me down. I like being somewhere new. I like seeing new places. I feel bad if I am somewhere on an extremely limited, regimented visit. I want to wander the streets! I want to see the rinky-dink little cafes that haven’t had more than three customers in three years. I want to skip the Paris subway, walk back to the hotel, and find whatever this is…

This is France

That ain’t in no guidebook. If I were to ask a thousand people for directions on what to do in Paris, they would never tell me to cut through that random street, and also find nearby cat campaign posters…

This is Cats

I live for that nonsense. I want to vote for a cat in Paris! That is the best part of sightseeing for me: not seeing all the wonders of the biggest tourist traps, but experiencing all the surprises that aren’t attached to a gift shop. Disney World is great! But let me walk down International Drive and find the absolutely weirdest buffet known to man. It has spaghetti and burritos next to each other? Spread my ashes over that garbage (it is only a marginal health risk compared to some of the other stuff at the buffet).

And, oddly enough, Elden Ring seems to capture that feeling better than any other game. In many open world games, you are continually looking for similar McGuffins. To once again recall Breath of the Wild, if you are doing damn near anything in that universe, you know you are aiming for a new shrine. And this is great for people that like goals, but the world does feel a little smaller when you know lightning dodging or walrus racing is all going to end in the same reward. In Elden Ring? There are dead ends. There are “rewards” that are little more than “look what you found”. You are trying to become the new Elden Lord! And when you explore this newly found dungeon, you will find… skeletons. Or giant ants. Or some weirdo that wants to turn you into a tree for some reason. And your reward for traipsing through this dungeon? Some lore. A weapon you will never use. Absolutely nothing. There is no guaranteed reward for practically anything you do in Elden Ring. I am pretty sure I even murdered a few bosses that offered the incentive of a pat on a back and nothing more. Elden Ring has its own brutal difficulty, but even more than that, it has a brutal world that often seems to contemptuously ask the player, “Enemy slain? So what? You want a trophy?”

Let's go, horse!Then why keep playing? Because there is joy in exploring. There is happiness in being that tourist who is “just visiting”, but can savor an appealing view. In a game where there are clear and omnipresent goals, everyone has the same experience. In a game where anything can happen, people can have exceptionally different encounters. Families have been visiting “tourist traps” for years, but no two people are guaranteed to have had the same experience. Climb to the top of the pyramids, and you might not enjoy it as much as another person nearby munching on a gyro from the Queen of the Nile food truck. In a world where there are not guides, where there is nothing telling you where you “have to be”, you can be a true wandering tourist. And that can be more fun than any kind of “scripted” experience. I do not need to know the name of the freaky dude riding a tiny horse and summoning meteors any more than I “need” to know the name of the guy who painted that mural I loved. I am a tourist right now, and I can enjoy enjoying without having to know everything.

So you can have your challenge or lore or fingers or whatever it is I’m supposed to like about Elden Ring. I’ll be over here, galloping around with Torrent, and taking in the sights. I might not learn anything you would find in a guide, but I am going to have fun seeing what I can see, and discovering what I can discover. I am going to be a tourist in these Lands Between, and I am going to enjoy that experience.

… And maybe I’ll buy a t-shirt later.

FGC #643 Elden Ring

  • System: I technically own the Playstation 4 disc, but I got a Playstation 5 about five minutes later, so that’s mostly where these screenshots are from. Sorry, it appears this is not going to be on Switch anytime soon.
  • Dodge!Number of players: There are thousands of people posting all over the place and occasionally showing up to murder your avatar, but it is an otherwise solitary experience.
  • Give me an explanation: Okay, there is one bit of lore I would be curious about. Why is everything giant? Or, to be particular, why are so many random animals and vermin the same kind of giant? Giant ants are roughly the same size as giant octopi as giant wolves, and that does not scale correctly at all. Why did everything grow to exactly the same size? Don’t say it was “magic”! Everything is magic!
  • Favorite Boss: Give me that Fire Giant any day of the week. Elden Ring bosses have a tendency to have distinct phases, and Fire Giant winds up with a phase where he tears off his own legs in an effort to better crawl-fight you with his immense stomach-face. That is the kind of dedication to a bit I can only admire.
  • Greatest Regret: The opening mentioned The Loathsome Dung Eater, and apparently I missed that dude entirely. This is a shame, as I find it personally offensive to have any piece of media mention “The Loathsome Dung Eater”, and then not have them prominently featured in every minute of the final product. This is storytelling 101, guys.
  • Say something mean: I enjoyed Elden Ring. It is a good game. That said, why are there jumping puzzles? This is not a world that should utilize jumping for anything other than skipping over ruined castle foundations. There should not be floating islands in space that require precise jumping when my character feels like she weighs 1,200 lbs. And do not get me started on giving the horse a double jump. That is not a traditional trait of horses!
  • OwieDid you know? You can tell you are in a FromSoftware world if you cannot conceive of a character complimenting another character’s butt. Elden Ring? Bloodborne? Dark Souls? Name a single speaking NPC in any of those universes that would look at a badonkadonk and be like “You got a great pooper right there”. You can’t. It is impossible.
  • Would I play again: I might organize another trip to the Lands Between in the future. And, hey, there is bound to be some DLC, too, right? Maybe that would be another good excuse…

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Pocky and Rocky Reshrined! The priestess and the raccoon will save the day yet again! With leaves! Please look forward to it!

What is even happening here?

Xenogears 02: Fei in the Desert

VroomAnd so we again look to the story of Fei Fong Wong.

Fei had tasted -the power- of the enormous Weltall, but forsaken it, as that same power that could have saved his village destroyed it and the people he loved. Without a home or the support of his tribe, Fei visited the nearby Dazil. There, he tried to secure transportation with his last remaining friend, Citan. But when Citan entered the desert alone, Fei chased after him. Fei thought his friend was in danger! And he was! The poor, human Citan was being menaced by enormous Gears not unlike those that had ruined Fei’s life. Fei had but one choice: again pilot the Weltall, and rescue his most loyal companion.

But then the devil came down to Dazil.

The devil came to Fei and said, “If you are the Slayer of God, then why did you slay your friends?”

Fei answered, “It is written: ‘ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Here lies a fiancée no one should trust.’”

Then the devil took step atop his Gear and said, “Slayer of God,” he said, “I brought those Gears to your village. How did you fail so thoroughly?”

Fei answered him, “If you hadn’t come, the village would not have suffered the way it did. You cannot be the person who judges me for an act you instigated.”

Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the deserts of the world and their sandiness. ”Imagine -the power- I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

Fei said to him, “Away from me, Grahf! For it is written: ‘Honor thy Dad, I mean thy Father.’”

Look out!And then the devil got huffy, and left Fei a giant sandworm to fight. And then Fei got captured, regained his giant robot, and had to fight through a stupid dungeon for like three hours. But Balthasar confirmed evolution was a real thing during that little adventure, so we’re not going to talk about that…

Even Worse Streams presents Xenogears
Night 2

Original Stream Night: January 12, 2021
Night of The Monster Rancher

Random Notes on the Stream

  • Welcome to our second town! There’s a lot of sand. We’re going to start with a discussion of some dumb anime, like Suppose a Kid from the Last Dungeon Boonies moved to a starter town? … That is the whole title of a show…
  • We would like to publicly state that Even Worse Streams does not in any way condone slavery.
  • Caliscrub enters as Citan talks to Fei about stuff he absolutely shouldn’t know.
  • Hey, did you know The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is a great game? It totally is, and better at triggering flags than Xenogears.
  • LET ME READ YOUR FINGERSFei wanders the desert as we try to figure out if Dude, Where’s My Car is a real movie that happened.
  • We are all impressed by Fei getting a free motorcycle like KOS-MOS. A franchise staple!
  • Is it weird that I am nostalgic for references to BEAT’s old, banned Twitter account?
  • Xenogears once again is compared to Chrono Cross and the infamous “you are the Chrono Trigger speech”.
  • And the first video ends as we are kidnapped by soldiers/discuss eyeballs.

  • Hey, if you didn’t catch it yet, Xenogears is Star Wars. We got captured by Tusken Raiders.
  • BEAT appreciates zooming in on people-pixels. The rest of us are not impressed.
  • Bart the Sand Pirate is assumed horny until proven otherwise. This will never be proven otherwise.
  • I cannot believe Caliscrub keeps watching Tusk instead of Xenogears as Fei… dies. Sorry! Didn’t walk fast enough! Quick restart!
  • Bart arrives! And his mech only has one eye!
  • This is getting annoyingBEAT read ahead! He knows about Chu Chu already!
  • Our first Gear dungeon! Oh boy jumping around a cave! Because you can (not) fly.
  • Confirmed: BEAT has beaten Chrono Trigger, but has not collected any cats.
  • We like talking about Geno and Bowser the Furry.
  • As Segment 2 ends, Fanboymaster goads me into explaining how the Gears’ tech points work. I would like to do that… if I knew what the hell they did.

  • “Just let me commit a war crime” – BEAT
  • Balthasar appears! He is one of those guys that makes robots good.
  • The Japanese names of the three sages of Chrono Trigger are Hash, Basch, and Gasch. Their American names start popping up around here in Xenogears…
  • And then there’s a discussion on the Biblical Elijah. We can talk about something other than Aqua Teen Hunger Force!
  • Oh, hey, this dungeon goes on forever while we are reminded this whole streaming thing was once called Dog Street Streams.
  • Penguin Drum and Revolutionary Girl Utena are discussed as Old Man Bal talks about the inevitable Omnigear.
  • Another vrooomWe’re leaving the cave! By going down! It makes perfect sense!
  • Opposite the boss battle with a foreshadowing Gear the Queen biopic is discussed. That movie also had a lot of cats.
  • Pretty much everyone disappears as we explore the Yggdrasil and discuss the future of Xenogears… Wait! BEAT comes back! Then it’s over!

Next time on Xenogears: Let’s Fight!

World of Final Fantasy Part 08

Intervention Quests Part 1
Initial Stream: 11/10/20



3:00 – Everyone had two weeks to vote on whether or not they wanted to see additional story progress or the Final Fantasy character vignettes/side quests… and I didn’t see a single vote. Turnout is terrible this year. So we held a vote on the stream, and fanboymaster and BEAT both agreed it was time to hit the Final Fantasy Intervention Quests. As a reminder, these are all “out of time” moments provided by The Girl Who Forgot Her Name, and our heroes only pitch hit for the featured Final Fantasy character during battle, and the rest of these sections are simple “slice of life” stories (that often involve giant, malevolent sea monsters). First up are Tidus and Yuna aping some Final Fantasy X plot beats.

16:00 – The “bullet points” for the Intervention Quests are going to be mostly here to let you know when a new vignette starts. At approximately the sixteen minute mark, we are discussing “politics” and/or Quistis while Squall gets a featured story about future planning.

25:00 – Discussing Tidus while Faris and Edgar discuss something other than Tidus. And then it’s time to point out how Edgar is a pedophile.

33:00 – Terra encounters a certain unpleasant octopus while another bot invades the chat.

39:00 Bartz and Rikku is the crossover event you didn’t ever know you needed. It is mostly ignored in favor of Dragonball Z discussion.

46:23 –


What actually happened in the plot:

All Intervention Quests are canon in World of Final Fantasy, but are (almost) all considered “sidequests”, so this is all “optional” plot. That said, here’s what happened in this update:

• Yuna and Tidus, who met for the first time as part of the main plot, bond over repelling Bismarck (not the nazi ship) from Besaid.

• Squall, unlike his fellow Final Fantasy buddies, doesn’t have future plans, which worries his bulbous little head. Squall and Shelke go on a monster hunting mission, and Shelke tricks Squall into caring and planting a garden. This somehow makes Squall smile.

• Faris’s ship is attacked by Omega Bane, and she tracks it back to a potential dimensional gateway at the center of the desert. Edgar is familiar with the area, so he banishes Omega Bane with the help of Vivi.

• Terra teams up with, and then realizes she must destroy, Ultros, the least prime octopus.

• Bartz and Rikku try to rob Ifrit’s cave, but wind up inadvertently becoming friends with the fiery summons when they team up to repel some behemoths.


Intervention Quests Part 2
Initial Stream: 11/10/20


1:00 – Rikku is sailing the seven seas, and, hey, we’re actually discussing Rikku! It’s game related! It’s a game related, on-topic discussion! That hardly ever happens!

5:00 – Eiko makes a new wolf friend, so let’s talk about Justice League. The animated series, to be clear, as that is clearly the best iteration of the ol’ hero club.

10:00 – Tifa meets some zealots. How old would you be in the Final Fantasy universe? And would your hat stay on your head?

16:00 – Yuna and “The Sad Spiral” sounds like a good time. Final Fantasy characters need therapy, and so do we after discussing Fountains of Wayne.

26:00 – After some wedding discussion, here are Yuna and Rydia in a Volcano. Then BEAT gets hungry, and we fight Lady Ifrit.

32:00 – Cloud and Lightning are palling around while we discuss terrible streamers, teenage sins, and how we’re all attractive. Also, please remember the duck stream.

What actually happened in the plot:

• Rikku battles the Mimic Queen and discovers that literally all the treasures across the sea were a bunch of (now dead) mimics.

• Eiko investigates a “weird feeling” and discovers her ancestors’ “Fenrir” mirage, Elefenrir, who offers a cryptic warning.

• Tifa fights off a gigantic, robotic hand, and tells some religious fanatics that Enna Kros helps those that help themselves.

• Yuna helps Ami of Green Gables (thanks, Zef), a poor woman who wants to sacrifice herself for the good of her hometown. Valefor’s non-union equivalent, Nirvalefor, guides Yuna to help Ami by defeating Ultima Weapon. Thus, Ami no longer has to be a martyr, and she didn’t even have to lose her imaginary dream-boyfriend to do it.

• Yuna and Rydia enter a volcano to find Ifreeta, Ifrit’s cousin who has been possessing humans to be a general nuisance in the world. The two summoners banish the fire cat girl.

• Cloud and Lightning investigate a mirage (Iron Muscles) menacing a local village, but apparently Sephiroth has been in the area repelling the mirage. Cloud ventures off on his own to hunt his mortal enemy, but Terra convinces Cloud to go back and help Lightning. Cloud and Lightning destroy Iron Muscles, and Sephiroth is never seen.

Intervention Quests Part 3
Initial Stream: 11/10/20



0:30 – Vivi and Golems accompany a brief description of quests that have gone before. Long story short: when boiled down to their base archetypes, nearly every male Final Fantasy protagonist becomes Zidane. It’s weird!

5:00 –


13:30 – Discussing Fire Emblem/Lucina /Gachas while Quistis and Squall hang out in Garden.

16:00 – Ample Vigour arrives, and then leaves us wanting as Einhänder shows up again.

20:00 – Penguin time means we have to repeat a whole dungeon. There’s crying underwater from that stupid queen and yours truly, as this Intervention Quest contains an entire “level” that we already completed once. And it wasn’t that good the first time! Regardless, this appears to be the only Intervention Quest that is so intensive, so it’s at least noteworthy.

28:00 – “We’re going all in on this fried bread thing.”

41:00 – And the moral of the story is we’re never going to stop talking about that mysterious liquor lady.

What actually happened in the plot:

• Vivi stops a golem uprising and decides to live another day, confident he is not a mere golem (which makes sense, as golems in this game are basically just Pokémon).

• Celes tries to cheer up the still-recovering-from-vampirey folks of Tome Town by performing an opera, but Ultros arrives, and messes it all up. Ultros is repelled, but, sorry, Celes won’t be singing in this one.

• It is confirmed that Balamb Garden is apparently a mirage, Eden, even if stuff discovered there, like the Gunblade, could be Cogna related.

• Shantotto attempts to open a secret vault by killing the Quacho Queen, but Lann and Reynn convince the Quacho Queen to open the door without bloodshed. Unfortunately, there’s a monster in the vault that could potentially explode and crack the continent in half… but Shantotto uses a spell to disarm the volatile kraken. The day is saved, and our heroes loot the vault.

Intervention Quests Part 4
Initial Stream: 11/10/20

00:00 – There is some interesting discussion regarding the production of Marvel vs. Capcom/Howard the Duck opposite Bartz and Gigglemesh saving a town. Eventually, there is discussion of Spider-Man arcade, a game near and dear to my videogame preserving heart.

8:00 – Additional discussion of Marvel vs. Capcom and what could have happened to Street Fighter 3 while Snow and Celes do… nothing.

14:30 – Moonboy and Devil Dinosaur are not Edgar and Vivi, but they’re not Primal, either.

19:00 – There’s no battle in this vignette, just cutscenes. This is weird, and prompts a discussion regarding Mr. Bucket, and how he wants you to put your balls in his mouth.

21:00 – Faris, Ifrit, and we’re apparently not worshipping Satan.

25:00 – Refia and Sherlotta venture into the snow while we discuss children’s cartoons and fetishes and let’s not talk about Totally Spies.

30:00 – We are done talking about Goodfeathers and how much we hate aspects of Animaniacs just in time to watch the ongoing adventures of Undead Princess.

34:00 Goblin Princess and the immortal question: is high school worse than working in The Simpsons writing room?

What actually happened in the plot:

• Gigglemesh and Bartz are more or less tricked by Bahamutian Soldiers, but team up to recover a victory.

• Snow and Celes fight Gigglemesh over absolutely nothing. Typical crossover fight, I suppose.

• Edgar and Vivi win over the support of the Figaro guard ostensibly through Vivi being annoying.

• Faris sponsors “Underdog Day”, a day when her crew can challenge the captain for control of the ship. An overeager moogle accidently summons Ifrit, whom Faris has to knock off the plank.

• Refia and Sherlotta battle Undead Princess (another refugee from Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Echoes of Time), and then hire her to promote the Inn. Then Sherlotta and Undead Princess work together to stop some Metalliskulls that are haunting the area.

• Princess Sarah was kidnapped by Princess Goblin, who apparently has a crush on Warrior of Light. Warrior of Light lets Princess Goblin down easy, and rescues Princess Sarah.

Additional note that seems to explain a lot: In game, there is a running encyclopedia for characters encountered in World of Final Fantasy. The entry for Undead Princess reads:

Hey, Wait a Second…
You may be wondering why so many characters from the CRYSTAL CHRONICLES series have been popping up in Grymoire. Well, take a look at the person doing character design, and you may have your answer.

So that solves at least one unsolved mystery of World of Final Fantasy.

Intervention Quests Part 5
Initial Stream: 11/10/20


00:00 – Refia tries to build a bridge while we discuss how to own people on the internet. Or maybe we’re just looking at Dril tweets again. Or Spider-Man?

6:00 – Time for (what I’m pretty sure is) the DLC event. It is not a Gundam.

9:30 – Kishi joins us. Kishi is not a Gundam.

22:00 – We finally win as Omega God bonks over.


“He” is now Ted Woo, author of Shadow Mad.

31:00 – Kishi requests a repeat performance, so we’re watching the Faris bit again. Let’s consider this an example of how you can repeat these quests unlimited times.

36:00 – In an effort to torture fanboymaster, we close this stream out by taking a look at the World of Final Fantasy pokédex.

What actually happened in the plot:

• Refia tries to build an ice bridge, so she recruits Sherlotta to additionally recruit Shiva. The bridge is built, but doesn’t last long.

• Enna Kros has a conversation with Alexander, the gigantic mirage currently serving as a motionless bridge. Apparently they fought “for the throne” at one point. Eden of Balamb Garden, Lute of Ragnarok in Cornera, and Midgardian Ormr (presumably) of Midgar are all mirages, too. Alexander had Omega God hanging out on it in a pocket dimension (or something), so Enna Kros summoned Lann and Reynn to fight him off. Omega God is defeated and captured, and now, having completed all available Intervention Quests, Lann and Reynn are free to journey on to the endgame.

Next time on World of Final Fantasy: This stream was the same week I got married, so BEAT is responsible for the Bad End.

World of Final Fantasy Part 06

Chapter 18: March of the Tsundere
Initial Stream: 10/20/20

-3:00:00 – Eagle-eyed viewers may notice a different setup for our heroes’ stacks and timer and such. The reason? I spent about three hours battling through the coliseum to see if anything interesting was there. Was there? Nope! Only “plot” that happened was that Shiva and Ifrit revealed their opposite sex counterparts are out wreaking havoc somewhere in the world. That’s it! Other than that, it was just three hours of fighting the same monsters that have been seen elsewhere. I did add Gilgamesh to the team, though.

8:00 – Anyway, back to actually playing the game on video. Let’s talk about when World of Final Fantasy actually tries to be visually inventive before we board the Galaxy Express.

13:00 – Welcome to Not Really Besaid. Way to merge one of the most unique places in the Final Fantasy franchise (at least for Final Fantasy, those dudes rarely get to stop by a tropical paradise) with one of the most generic towns from OG Final Fantasy.

20:00 – Shantotto is here from Final Fantasy 11. Anyone with MMORPG experience want to fill in the blanks on what we don’t know about this character? Which is everything? I mean, we know she rhymes, and she’s already funko-sized in her original appearance, but if it ain’t in Dissidia, we’re out of ideas on her.

24:00 – Thank you, Shantotto, for being responsible for our fourth mandatory death. Let’s go drown.

30:00 – Tidus arrives, tosses us into the ocean, swims with us for a little bit, and then leaves. Class act, all the way. Let’s hit the real dungeon for this update.

43:00 – This is a long dungeon (and we haven’t seen anything yet) so fanboymaster explains Assassin’s Creed’s overarching plot. It is bonkers, and I recommend it. But to talk about the dungeon for a moment: many of the World of Final Fantasy dungeons have been pretty damn boring, with their usual “two branches, one has rewards, one doesn’t” structure and graphically nice, but conceptually mundane landscapes (the world doesn’t need another volcano or generic mountain dungeon). That said, this underwater dungeon with walls that can be scaled and “twisting” geography is pretty neat!… but the layout doesn’t really ever do anything with it. This and the Train Graveyard from the last update are pretty cool, but I guess we’re just not going to get a remarkable dungeon arrangement out of World of Final Fantasy.

53:00 – Final Fantasy’s Zoids return as our first murkrift victory. Spoilers: I’m going to go destroy all the other murkrifts throughout the other dungeons between updates this time. Not spoilers: They’re just as boring and irrelevant as the coliseum battles.

1:00:00 – Gearing up for the boss, talking about Johnny Cage’s terrible website, and then it’s time for the tsundere penguin queen. Looking it up afterwards, apparently the Quacho penguin creatures are based on Pavlov from Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a King. So, yes, the featured characters from this chapter originate from a side character from a game that is so obscure, you can’t even buy it anymore, anywhere. I don’t know if I should be insulted or impressed by that kind of deep cut.

1:13:00 – Tonberry King! He’s so regal… and is that the point? Check out Tiny Gilgamesh using his best sword for the job.

And we end shortly thereafter because this chapter is long as hell. There are technically a few minutes left in this chapter, but they flow better into Chapter 19’s revelations. If you’ve come this far, you’re going to watch that anyway!

What actually happened in the plot: In an effort to find the final, water-themed key, the twins sought out Shantotto, who “cursed” them with the ability to breathe underwater. Tidus then guided the gang to an undersea temple, where Lann and Reynn eventually encountered the Quacho Queen. She had the key, but emphasis on “had”, as the local tonberry gang stole it. However, our party defeats the Tonberry King, reclaims the key, and bids the underwater world adieu. Also, it looks like some gigantic, clawed monster awoke underwater while no one was looking.

Chapter 19: Deadly Tower
Initial Stream: 10/20/20


00:00 – Starting off exactly where the previous chapter ended with talk of Outlaw Star, anime censorship, and maybe some gundams.

2:17 – Yuna becomes our first “returning” Final Funko cameo, and she is immediately kidnapped for her dedication. And then the four elemental keys we’ve been collecting unlock a crystal staircase. Stuff is happening! Don’t get used to it!

4:00 – The chapter for-real begins. Did I need to cut the other one early for the sake of four minutes? Whatever, let’s discuss Final Fantasy plot swerves. World of Final Fantasy is living up to its legacy, and, in that department, it’s only going to escalate.

8:14 – An ominous tower is growing out of a weird replication of Nine Wood Hills. And we’ve got Terra! Hey, this is a Final Fantasy Cameo fight that isn’t a mandatory loss! Also: Maduin visually sucks, and always has. Hang your entire backstory on a more exciting esper, Final Fantasy 6!

14:30 – Our dungeon officially begins. It’s an endless crystal-esque tower that is just staircase after staircase. We get bored with this almost immediately, which is not great, as the remainder of this update is just the tower.

18:00 – It’s time to talk about Family Matters. This is now the Let’s Watch Family Matters LP.

25:00 –


35:00 – What 80’s TV show would you like to write for? Live action or animated? Give me something to talk about, World of Final Fantasy, and we’ll talk about you again.

50:00 – This is a long-ass dungeon. Please enjoy Scooby Doo discussion.

1:01:00 – I want to thank 2001-2010 Adult Swim for existing and apparently inspiring a great breadth of this stream.

1:04:00 – Okay, we’re at the top, break time. We’re going to save the final boss(es) of this area for the next update, because that dungeon was exhausting and life-draining. Check back next time for the thrilling conclusion (of this dungeon we all hate)!

What actually happened in the plot: After being cured of their “can breathe water” curse, Yuna finally tells everyone about the other summoners being kidnapped… before being kidnapped herself. Thanks for the exposition! The lead bad guy (who we technically haven’t seen, in, like, fifteen hours) ominously states “The two worlds will be joined again!” as the twins use the four keys to produce a crystal staircase. A Mysterious Masked Woman appears and claims the twins have to climb the Crystal Tower to find their mom. Reynn thinks something is up, something that is deeply meta, but Lann… doesn’t care? Whatever. The staircase leads to the Nonary Region, which appears to be a ruined version of Nine Wood Hills, the twins’ home dimension. Terra, riding Magitek Armor, says we must not proceed, and attacks with the assistance of Maduin. We knock her unconscious, and proceed. Terra is menaced by Man in the Golden Mask after the “heroes” leave, so now four summoners have been kidnapped (and two in just this update!). At the top of a giant tower, a big door sits, sealed by the four elements. Reynn somehow remembers the place… but doesn’t know how.

Next time on World of Final Fantasy: Robots ruin everything.