Tag Archives: kirby

FGC #530 Little Nemo: The Dream Master

Let's get dreamyLittle Nemo: The Dream Master is an excellent NES Capcom title. It doesn’t always get the same accolades as Mega Man or Ducktales, but it is worthy of its Capcom pedigree. Did you know that this game basically pioneered Kirby’s copy ability well before the advent of the little puff ball? Or that the presence of the keys makes this the rare NES collectathon that encourages combing large, lush stages? LN:TDM has a few issues here and there, but it is a game where you can trade your normal skills for the jumps of a frog, the punches of a gorilla, or the stickiness (?) of a lizard. That counts for a lot when you are on the same system as some comparatively primitive adventures. Little Nemo feels like the prequel to a SNES game that could have been absolutely amazing, but, as it is, it is simply a NES title that pushes the boundaries of what was possible in 1990.

But we’re not going to talk about that today.

We’re going to talk about the worst, scariest level in a Capcom title.

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s look at House of Toys.

House 'o Toys

Right from the start, it is obvious that something is wrong with this level. Every other stage begins with some whimsical creature, like Flip the Chain Smoking Frog Monster, introducing the basic concept for the area. “Oh, Nemo, use your candy to feed moles for some reason,” they say. Or, “Oh, look, this is your house, a thing I shouldn’t have to tell you, but here we are, guess we’re going to provide clumsy exposition now.” What are you told by your creature-greeter at House of Toys? Nothing. There is not a friendly face to be found. There isn’t even the illusion of narration or an explanation for your current predicament. You are at the House of Toys now. Expecting a warm welcome? No. House of Toys is all you will ever know.

And speaking of friendlies, let’s take a quick look at the best part of Little Nemo: The Dream Master. As was mentioned, Little Nemo is a fairly revolutionary title for the way it utilized animal friends as powerups. This was not another NES title that had “one size fits all” powerups like a spread beam or muscle serum, this was a game that constantly presented new challenges and puzzles, and the only solution to these puzzles was to get the help of an animal buddy. If you needed to reach a high area, you befriended a frog. If you had to climb even higher, you might gain the assistance of a bee. And levels with particular trials, like the prerequisite underwater stage, featured singular encounters with friendly animals adapted only to those areas. Basically, every new stage is interesting not only because of the geography or enemies available, but also the promise of new and interesting animals with exciting new abilities.

You will die hereAnd what particular powerups and/or animals appear in House of Toys? None. Nada. Zilch. There is not a single animal companion in the third level. There isn’t a hidden guerilla, sneaky lizard, or even a hermit crab to be found. You will not find a single ally anywhere in House of Toys. Not only is this lonely, but it also means Little Nemo will be stuck with his little life bar and its extremely limited durability. And as far as offense goes, there is no mouse hammer or hornet stinger to help Nemo this time, so the absolute best Nemo can hope for is ineffectually tossing candy like some manner of rogue oompa loompa. Do toys care about candy? Not so much. Nemo’s lifespan is going to be drastically shortened in his solitude.

And if you think House of Toys is going to go easy on Nemo because he’s completely, wretchedly alone, you’ve got another thing coming. And that “another thing” is “a constant assault of airborne opponents”. The main “monsters” of House of Toys are flying threats in the form of toy airplanes and floating, bombing balloons. In both cases, you are dealing with foes that appear above Nemo… and that’s not great for a little dude that can only toss candy horizontally forward. Not that your candy is going to do any good, though! At best, Nemo can only stun a foe on a good day, and when the screen is constantly scrolling forward, a motionless enemy is just as deadly as a mobile one.

And, yes, this is the only automatic, horizontally scrolling stage in the game. Yes, that is going to get you killed via squishing against any number of blocks. Thanks for asking!

A little pokeyBut wait, there’s more! It is not enough that you are being literally dive-bombed by an army of toys, there have to be a host of traps across the stage, too. It starts simple enough with some crashing crate-looking things, where the worst you have to worry about is mistaking the perfectly flat “enemy” platforms for something you can actually jump on without taking damage. Can more traps be equipped with “do not touch” signs? The encroaching spikes throughout the stage don’t need warning signs, though. Everyone knows anything slightly pointy is incurable poison to every last NES hero, so it’s no wonder that you’ll expectantly steer Nemo away from those prickly pals. But good luck with that! The hit detection on the spikes is atrocious, and nudging Nemo in the general direction of anything triangular will result in instant death. Since this kind of sloppy mapping only appears in this stage, it may be a side effect of the auto-scrolling. Or House of Toys was just designed by masochists! There could be any number of explanations for why every goddamn thing is trying to kill Nemo for a solid few minutes.

And then the stage itself starts trying to eat you:

WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING!?

That’s not great, either.

And if this all seems like a terrible idea for a level, also consider that House of Toys eschews one of the most important parts of Little Nemo: The Dream Master. The majority of stages in LN:TDM require Nemo to find keys scattered about the level. This leads to exploration and experimentation, and seems to be the essence of Nemo’s appeal. Since House of Toys relies on an autoscroll that absolutely precludes the ability to backtrack at all, there are no keys to “find” across the level. Exploration is dropped for an endless parade of death traps, and that is the complete opposite of the rest of the game’s style. And, hey, because no one had a good idea on how to incorporate the keys that are the point of other levels, there’s a cache of keys right there at the end. That’s right! The designers of LN:TDM didn’t have a clue on how to integrate the gameplay they themselves had established. It’s a bizarre reminder that the rest of Nemo’s quest isn’t this horrible!

My magic wandBut! There is something of a vindication for this shift in gameplay within Little Nemo: The Dream Master. The final levels introduce an assault on the Nightmare King’s lair, and the key conceit is dropped for something that is more action-based. This shift is welcome, as it creates a more dramatic finale for Nemo: the adventure is no longer about having fun in Dream Land, it is now a no holds barred battle against an invading monarch. That’s cool! But is House of Toys an effective preview of later challenges? Well, it might be if it equipped Nemo with the powerful Morningstar (pictured in use versus a penguin) that makes those last levels actually survivable. And, oh yeah, if this didn’t happen five levels before the finale. This is Level 3! They’re aping the challenges of the final levels before you’ve even mastered the basics! That’s lunacy!

House of Toys is a black mark on an otherwise amazing NES title. It eschews everything unique about the game, and drops a straightforward action level into the middle of whimsical, exploration-based stages. And then it kills Nemo quickly and frequently. For one stage, Nemo’s pleasant dream becomes a nightmare, and I’m unlikely to forgive House of Toys for this transgression anytime soon.

Toys are supposed to be fun, dammit!

FGC #530 Little Nemo: The Dream Master

  • System: Nintendo Entertainment System. Like the Disney Afternoon Collection, the fact that this game is associated with a license outside of Capcom’s usual oeuvre means it never saw direct sequels or rereleases. And, unlike the Disney Afternoon Collection, it’s unlikely it will be rescued by a craptillion dollar company. C’est la vie.
  • Number of players: This Nemo dreams alone.
  • Another explanation: There is a rarely seen Little Nemo arcade game from Capcom, too. It’s pretty similar to the Willow arcade game, and it’s a sort of “action beat ‘em up” that occupies the space between Mega Man and Final Fight. And its first stage is familiar…

    To the arcade!

    Was the ill-advised House of Toys an aborted attempt the capture the same gameplay as the arcade title? Or is it a simple matter of reusing the same iconography of the attendant movie? The world may never know.

  • Favorite Animal Buddy: It’s bee. If it’s an NES game, and you can fly with a particular ability, I’m going to choose that buddy every time. It doesn’t hurt that this hornet can also visit spikey death upon its enemies, too. That lizard can barely walk, but the bee is just an unending parade of destruction.
  • What’s in a name? Little Nemo: The Dream Master is based on the movie Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland, which is based on the comic strip Little Nemo in Slumberland which itself was a spin-off of Dream of the Rarebit Fiend. In Japan, the game is called Pajama Hero Nemo. … Whatever works.
  • Goggle Bob Fact #1: This was one of the few videogames I owned as a child (well, “few” compared to how many I have now). As a result, I played it a lot… with the stage select code. I’m pretty sure I skipped Level 3 every time. Go figure.
  • The city in the skyGoggle Bob Fact #2: This is one of the few videogames I have owned that I eventually tossed in the garbage. No, gentle reader, this was not because House of Toys drove me to hitherto unknown levels of destruction; it was simply because of the cat. Or a cat. Some cat (or other animal of like size) puked all over my Little Nemo cartridge, and no one in the house wanted to clean or even touch what was possibly the most gross hunk of plastic in the house. Luckily, this was years after the NES was relevant, but it still hurts to know that my “original” copy of Little Nemo was lost to an explosion of Whiskas.
  • Did you know? People are aware that Flip, the frog-thing that greets you at the start of the first level, continually has a cigar in the movie (and arcade game), but had his smoking censored for the NES edition. However, you might not know that the Guerilla buddy is supposed to have a big, fat stogey, too. This explains why that hairy ape is continually making ducklips through the whole adventure.
  • Would I play again? This is a beloved piece of my childhood that seems lost to the ages. I might not fire up my NES for another go, but it would be really great if someone could make a new Nemo game. I’d buy that on day one. Hint hint, Pie for Breakfast Studios.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Wario Land: Super Mario Land 3 for the Nintendo Gameboy. Is Mario even in that game? Why does he get billing at all? Wario is the best! And please look forward to his adventures!

Check out that tongue

FGC #463 Kirby’s Dream Land 3

KIRBY!Kirby’s Dream Land 3 asks the unthinkable: What if Kirby wasn’t a complete monster?

In the early days of Kirby, there were tales of two distinct Kirby directors. Most people (nerds) are familiar with Masahiro Sakurai, who directed a number of Kirby games. While all of his Kirby titles have been distinctly Kirby-based, it is clear to see how this “version” of Kirby directly influenced the eventual creation of Super Smash Bros. (particularly if you look at Kirby Super Star and that dang shield). However, a trio of early Kirby titles (Kirby’s Dream Land 2, Kirby 64, and today’s Kirby’s Dream Land 3) was directed by noted cryptid and likely real person Shinichi Shimomura. Many gamers have noted that Shimomura’s Kirby titles were slower and more exploration-based than the Sakurai Kirby titles that came to define the franchise. Arguably, it is the Shimomura joints that follow the “original” intent of Kirby’s Dream Land, while Sakurai went off in search of crazy Kirby powers and maybe a giant robot or two.

But all their games feature Kirby, and Kirby is a force of destruction.

It’s pretty clear that, even divorced from his greatest and most destructive powers, Kirby is still a pink ball of unrelenting fury. At the base level, Kirby’s greatest strength is unfettered consumption, and his goal in nearly every adventure is either food or sleep. Maybe include some bathing, and Kirby is little more than a bottomless, never satisfied cat… and I can think of no creature more horrifying. And, while Kirby is generally on the side of the angels in rescuing food reserves from penguins or granting his Popstar buddies a good night’s sleep, he is still wrecking up the place with practically every step across Dream Land. Have you seen him turn into a wheel? Wheels are not supposed to be that vicious, but Waddle Dee is still lying unconscious at the side of the road.

But, from the very first level of Kirby’s Dream Land 3, something special happens…

Here we go!

You are allowed to play 95% of Kirby’s Dream Land 3 as typical, destructive Kirby. However, the first level offers an alternative: why not stop and smell the flowers? Or, more accurately, why don’t you stop and not completely obliterate the flowers? The flowers of 1-1 are very delicate, and they will be stomped into nothingness by the entirety of Kirby’s moveset. And once you destroy a single flower, sorry, that’s it, it’s not coming back without exiting and resetting the level. But if you do carefully maneuver Kirby around the flowers (which requires little more than steering our hero with a tiny bit care, this isn’t some “don’t touch the walls” carnival attraction), at the end of the level, Kirby will make friends with a very happy flower. This grants a recognizable “completion” token, and teaches the player an obvious lesson: be careful in the future, and you might get more sparkly doodads. And who doesn’t want more doodads?

I recognize this dudeAnd, while not every action Kirby takes to earn these friendship points is as gentle as during the first mission, many take a very “slow down, Kirb” approach to proceedings. Sometimes you have to collect puzzle (or random robot) pieces, occasionally it’s a lost child that must be found in an alternate route, and, in rare cases, you have to carefully study alien biology in an effort to bring peace to the galaxy. Every level offers a different challenge for our pink puff ball, and many of those challenges are far outside of Kirby’s traditional modus operandi.

And that’s pretty damn impressive for a platforming character best known for being a walking black hole.

It’s often noted that videogames are violent (and, make no mistake, I firmly believe that stomping a chestnut creature into a fine jelly is violent) because videogame characters only have so many ways to interact with their worlds. As such, it makes perfect sense that “secrets” or “alternatives” in platform/action games are often simply “look slightly off the beaten path”. Mega Man was entirely straightforward until Mega Man X introduced searching for armor and powerups in hidden areas. Mario was linear (give or take a warp pipe) until World added alternative exits, and then Yoshi added additional findable rarities. Basically, your only choices in many old school franchises for “scoring” beyond “Bowser is 10,000 points” are added alternative paths/secrets, or some manner of accuracy percentage (see: Contra). In both cases, the hero of the piece is not asked to do anything different beyond more effective murdering or maybe murdering in a slightly different location.

None of those heroes ever stop to smell and/or save the flowers.

Beautiful dayKirby has a more varied moveset than most videogame protagonists, but he still didn’t need a single new power to preserve nature. Later levels reward Kirby for bringing a certain skill or animal to the table, but, by and large, many of these events are of the nonviolent nature. You might need the cutter to earn the secret in one level, but it’s simply so you can pop a balloon that frees a chick to waddle back to its mother. What’s more wholesome than that? And speaking of which, one stage per level may feature a reunion between animal pals if you play your cards right. Girl cat and boy cat getting together means adorable kittens. More adorableness! And, added bonus, that darn cat actually looks happy for once. Hugs all around!

So congratulations to Kirby’s Dream Land 3 for allowing Kirby to solve a problem or two without overt violence. Kirby might be one of the most destructive heroes in all of gaming, but, for one title, he was allowed to help without the hurting. Thank you for giving us a kinder, gentler Kirby.

… Well, until it’s time to knock the evil right out of King Dedede. There are some times you just have to go nuts.

FGC #463 Kirby’s Dream Land 3

  • Can't get enough of those guysSystem: Super Nintendo initially, but also available on that Kirby compilation for the Wii, and more recently as part of the SNES series on the Nintendo Switch.
  • Number of Players: Two! That’s right, this was the first game to introduce Gooey, the nondescript blob of a Kirby partner that is mostly tongue. Please do not touch Gooey for any reason.
  • Rare Find: Kirby’s Dream Land 3 was released at the absolute tail end of the SNES’s lifespan, a full year after the release of the N64. As a result, Kirby’s Dream Land 3 was hard to find on shelves already cleared for Playstation titles of the day. In fact, when I found a copy of KDL3 at a Funco Land in early 2000, I was still under the impression the game had never been released in America, and this was somehow an errant Japanese copy. I thought it could only ever exist as a ROM!
  • Favorite Animal Buddy: Nago the Calico Cat always seems less like he wants to actually help, and more like he wants to play with the ball-like Kirby. I already preferred cats over hamsters to begin with, but Nago winds up earning my attention simply for how little he cares for our lil’ dude. Very cat behavior.
  • Sad Secret Truth: So much of this game is easier with Kirby’s inhale ability and no animal friends. Kirby is too powerful to be restrained!
  • So cuteFavorite Boss: Pon & Con seem to wholly replace Lolo’s place in the world of Popstar for “bosses that push blocks around”. Considering how little I like Lolo, I am practically elated at this development.
  • Did you know? Okay, maybe this isn’t the first appearance of Gooey. Gooey may surface in “kidnapped” bags if Kirby defeats a miniboss while already riding an animal buddy in Kirby’s Dream Land 2. However, it was only ever confirmed in Smash Bros. that this blob-creature was actually Gooey, so let’s go ahead and just say that Kirby’s Dream Land 3 was the first playable appearance of Gooey.
  • Would I play again: I prefer Kirby Super Star, but this is still an excellent Super Nintendo title. I would certainly guide Kirby through his kindest adventure all over again.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Pokemon Snap for the Nintendo 64! Get your cameras ready! And Pikachus! Please look forward to it!

WHISP!

FGC #437 Super Princess Peach

Here comes a princess!Wrong time, wrong place, and now, apparently, never again.

It is almost insane to explain the bygone age of 2005/2006, but it seems a history lesson is in order. There was once Super Mario Bros. And then there was Super Mario Bros. 2 (available in two unique flavors). We then saw 3 and World, two surprisingly different and phenomenal games that both shared the same Super Mario base. Yoshi’s Island changed the formula dramatically, but it was also a great experience that clearly drew from previous Mario titles. And then there was… nothing. Oh, there were Mario games, but Mario branched out into kart racing and tennis playing and the occasional Olympic decathlon. Mario also decided to explore the third dimension, so, while “Super Mario games” were certainly still a (welcome) thing, the old days of 2-D Mario platforming were apparently gone forever. Mario has other things to do now, he doesn’t have time for screen-filling Bullet Bills.

But maybe Princess Peach has some room in her schedule.

For being known as the damsel in distress of the Mario franchise, Princess Peach has seen a lot more play than many of her contemporaries. She was an active, platforming character in Super Mario Bros. 2 (USA). She tossed a frying pan around with the best of ‘em in Super Mario RPG. Thereafter, she primarily returned to her “let’s get kidnapped” role for future action Mario titles, but could also always be counted on to make a showing in any given sports or “just for fun” title. If Bowser was distracted with a go-kart, Peach could participate to her heart’s content. It’s easy to say she only “matters” in titles that don’t matter (and we all just assume that the Mushroom Kingdom’s government isn’t entirely based on kart racing), but having a selectable Princess on the roster is great for anyone that is tired of the usual plumber and his mainly-male supporting cast. Princess Peach fills a niche, and it’s not just as “the girl”; she’s her own character, and, without having very much dialogue over the years, she’s been established as an exceptional, occasionally humorous, ruler for a kingdom of fungi. She’s her own woman, and she’s proven herself one tennis match at a time.

Don't be sadSo it did make a certain amount of sense that Princess Peach would receive her own adventure. It would be fun to make Mario the “damsel” for once, and Peach already has a quasi-moveset and some support abilities from previous adventures. Add some floaty jumps, maybe include some central gimmick, and… hey! Mario isn’t using 2-D platforming right now. Let’s throw that genre over to Princess Peach, and see what she does with it. It’s a perfect fit for an experimental DS game!

Super Princess Peach was born! And, honestly, the game itself worked out pretty well.

Super Princess Peach is largely a 2-D Mario title with two different kinds of movesets. On one hand, you have Peach’s innate (and sometimes umbrella-based) abilities that are available at all times. Of course Peach can perform her seemingly natural floating jump, attack with her parasol, and even perform a cool little slide that will certainly earn her a “safe!” at home plate. Then you have the “vibe” abilities, which seem to be what everyone remembers about this title. Princess Peach apparently has drastically different moods that can be controlled with the tap of a stylus, and her various outbursts come in handy for the more “puzzle” based portions of levels. A Sad Peach rains tears on the area like a cursed sprinkler, so plants grow happy, and cold floors turn to ice. Calm Peach sees her health restore automatically, while Delusional/Happy Peach can literally fly through the skies on her own private wind currents. And Angry Peach burns with the fury of a thousand raging suns, a walking, all-consuming blaze of disaster that shall envelop us all and leave this planet a charred husk (and maybe knock-out a few goombas). Give or take a final ability that allows for unlimited spending, Peach is limited by a rapidly depleting gauge for all of her emotional abilities (so you can’t just fly through every level like a So sadjerk, P-Wing Mario), so Fiery Inferno Peach is not available at all times. Ultimately, this means Peach’s emotions are only truly useful in specific, find-some-secrets situations, but you can always use your umbrella to eat people (!) to score some spare emotional power. Regardless of location, though, Super Princess Peach actually winds up with a pretty super host of abilities.

But that is all inconsequential to what’s important about Super Princess Peach. It’s a Mario game! Who cares about anything else?!

Look, there were still 2-D platforming titles in 2005. The Castlevania series was still living off the success of Symphony of the Night, so running and jumping and stabbing was something you could find on those GBA/DS titles. Speaking of stabbing, Mega Man Zero was just about to mutate into Mega Man ZX, and both of those franchises were a fun time on a 2-D plane. But those titles seemed to be the last vestiges of the big boys of the genre. We were still a long way from the indie 2-D resurgence, and the even the likes of Wario had started to drift from his 2-D roots to other, greener micro-pastures. There are a lot of reasons people played Super Smash Bros. Melee well past its initial release, but did anyone ever consider that gamers just craved a Mario that ran and jumped in a 2-D world?

YUMMYBut Super Princess Peach scratched that itch in more ways than one. Yes, the title was arguably on the “easy” side of platformers (pits did not spell instant death, and one of the moods rewards standing around and watching health refill), and Peach never did seem quite as nimble as a full-tilt Mario, but, damn, that princess could book it when she needed to. And this was unmistakably a Mario platformer in the vein of the previous Super Mario World titles. There were dinosaurs and flying hammer bros. and Spike and all manner of piranha plants. In fact, there were also “recursive” appearances, like Super Mario Sunshine bosses Petey Piranha and Gooper Blooper appearing in 2-D for the first time. Yes, Peach was on the cover and saving the day, but everything about Super Princess Peach screamed “Mario!” like a Luigi echoing through a haunted mansion.

And then New Super Mario Bros. was released shortly thereafter. And that was, without question or concession, a new 2-D Mario title. The first in over a decade. And it was good. It was amazing. And the “only” good Super Princess Peach was completely forgotten.

And it’s a shame, too. Super Princess Peach had its own ideas and a greater emphasis on exploration and situational abilities than the more straightforward New Super Mario Bros. It is a “2-D Mario Game”, but it is also its own thing, starring its own heroine. The emotion-based skill system might have been a little misguided, but a slightly less misogynistic gimmick could have worked in a second adventure (why won’t Nintendo just let Princess Peach catch fire for no reason!?). But did we see a second Super Princess Peach?glub glub No. Have we even seen references back to Peach’s only true solo outing? ‘Fraid not. And, even when DS titles were being re-released on the WiiU for some strange reason, we never saw the return of Super Princess Peach. Super Princess Peach has been dropped, seemingly forever, by Nintendo, and we are all worse for it.

Sorry, Princess Peach. We’ll just have to quietly wait for your return to the limelight. Maybe we’ll see Super Princess Peach Country one of these days…

FGC #437 Super Princess Peach

  • System: Nintendo DS. Only Nintendo DS.
  • Number of players: Was this one of those Nintendo DS games with inexplicable 2-player minigames? Probably not. Let’s just say one player.
  • Come to think of it: Super Princess Peach Meets Super Princess Daisy would be all I want from life.
  • Story Time: The sentient parasol apparently gets a backstory of being a real boy that was transformed into an umbrella. However, the bloody rise to power that would eventually define the Toadstool legacy is not explored, and we’re left with Princess Peach being a blank cypher as usual.
  • Touchy Feely: This is another one of those “early” DS games that found a way to incorporate the stylus/tap gameplay into a level or eight. It may have seemed innovative at some point in the history of gaming, but now it just feels like you’ve accidentally slid into a $5 app in the middle of a perfectly good Mario game.
  • Lucky!Credit where Credit is Due: This title doesn’t get enough props for taking the traditional Mario bestiary and adding something as simple as “emotions” to make seemingly entirely new opponents. A happy piranha plant apparently is very fire-based, and an angry boo is a shameless, unstoppable force. And everyone enjoy the company of a glad bob-omb.
  • Favorite Enemy: Sad Dry Bones. You really have to wonder why more undead koopa troopas aren’t sad. Or maybe their immortal existence cheers them up…
  • Is this a secret Kirby game? 2-D platforming, enemy devouring, and an emphasis on umbrellas. Maybe?
  • Did you know? The Koopalings were apparently intended for this title, and their sprite data is still hiding in the game. Why they were cut is anyone’s guess, but my money is on dark forces that stand against the very concept of fun.
  • Would I play again: I would very much like to play this title again on a system that is slightly more modern, like some manner of console/portable hybrid. However, I might give it a spin on the ol’ DS/3DS sometime. It’s fun to be a princess!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Fire Emblem: Awakening! Wow! A TRPG! Those are always fun. Please look forward to that!

It's a-me
“Sorry, our Mario is in another castle. Ha ha ha just kidding.”

FGC #423 Super Smash Bros.

Please join special guest artist Pooch and myself in examining the deadly sins of the Smash Bros.

Lust, Sin of Donkey Kong

This is where it all started for the Nintendo empire: an ape that really, really wants to sling a random woman over his shoulder and carry her Arceus-knows-where. But there is little question what Donkey Kong is going to do when he gets there! He’s a big, naked ape, and she’s a beauty worthy of a Jump Man’s gaze… we already know what happens if you fail to climb that construction site. Donkey Kong Juniors don’t just pop out of eggs! Sure, one could claim this is all borrowed imagery from King Kong, but King Kong didn’t just stand next to Fay Wray beating his chest and smiling all day.

Of course, this interpretation is primarily based on DK’s maiden voyage, and not his later games. You know, the titles where he tries to save his bananas from being devoured by toothy crocodiles. Come to think of it, Freud might have a thing or two to say about that. And that’s even before you get to the part about him banging his bongos

Gluttony, Sin of Yoshi

Yoshi must consume.

He? She? It. It is an eating machine from the absolute moment it is hatched. Give or take a flutter jump, it seems the only way a Yoshi burns excess calories is by producing hollow, projectile eggs. Everything else is ingested, and the difference between delicious fruit and a screaming koopa troopa means nothing to this unrelenting lizard. All is sustenance to Yoshi, all must be consumed, and that never stops from cradle to an inevitably oversized grave. There’s a reason a certain plumber recently seems to leave his “noble” steed at a stage’s goal post; if a Yoshi were to traverse the entire Mushroom Kingdom, the nation would become nothing more than a reptile’s pizza topping.

Envy, Sin of Kirby

Yoshi is an animal. Kirby is unappeasable desire.

Kirby started as yet another 2-D platforming hero at a time when such a mascot character was produced roughly every seventeen seconds. However, Kirby was very different from his brethren, as he had amazing skills right from the moment he awakened. Projectiles? Just a matter of sucking in literally anything that is readily available, including plain air. Extra health? Pep bottles and Maxim Tomatoes grow on trees. Even flight, the most coveted of all platformer powerups? Well, ya don’t need any raccoon tails for this cream puff.

But it wasn’t enough for Kirby. Kirby needed more.

As of Kirby’s Adventure, Kirby gained the ability to copy the skills and powers of his opponents. Later adventures granted Kirby the talent to use multiple skills at once, combine them, or even convert his stolen skills into living assistants. Whom… he could devour again later. Why would he do that? Because Kirby can only have so many abilities at one time, and what is this ability compared to that ability right over there. Who cares if that power is attached to an ally?

And “must have it all” is such an integral part of Kirby that it followed him to Smash Bros. It has shadowed him straight through the series, and, as of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, Kirby is capable of gaining nearly 75 different abilities from every last fighter.

But, of all those abilities, Kirby can only use one at a time…

And Luigi is standing right over there…

Is he even using that fireball? I bet Kirby could use it better…

Greed, Sin of Link

Link is often portrayed as a simple boy who claims the sword of a hero, heroically challenges a malevolent despot, and eventually saves an entire kingdom from an awful, certainly pork-scented fate. Link has gone by many names, but often earns a title such as “Hero of Time” or “Hero of the Wilds”.

He also earns literally more rupees than he can carry.

And enough food to feed the kingdom.

And treasure from literally every tomb, crypt, well, dungeon, and castle for miles.

And, in the end, the entire royal family owes him a debt.

And then he reclaims a magical wishing triangle that will gratefully grant him anything he wants.

And to think, he was already looking greedy when he decided he needed two hookshots

Sloth, Sin of Pikachu

Now we shall consult the Pokedex, Book of Oak, Chapter 25:

25:1 When several of these Pokémon gather, their electricity could build and cause lightning storms. … 25:8 This intelligent Pokémon roasts hard Berries with electricity to make them tender enough to eat. .. 25:11 It stores electricity in the electric sacs on its cheeks. When it releases pent-up energy in a burst, the electric power is equal to a lightning bolt.

So, to summarize, Pikachu is smart, generates electricity, can summon lightning storms, and can readily expel the power of a lightning bolt. Assuming a lightning bolt’s one billion joules of energy can be properly converted and utilized, that’s enough juice to power a lightbulb for six months. Assuming Pikachu only has a charge that powerful once day (and can’t be infinitely restored in seconds at a local Pokémon Center), a single one of those shock rats could power a city with approximately one minute’s worth of effort a day.

But what does Pikachu do?

Well, let’s just say that the coming energy shortage and associated apocalypse isn’t bothering the yellow mouse one iota. Pikachu has a party hat, and he’s going to use it, dammit.

Pride, Sin of Fox McCloud

James McCloud lost his life to the betrayal of Pigma Dengar, and failed to stop Andross, a mad scientist that sought to conquer the entire Lylat System. Fox McCloud thus inherited a gigantic starship, and the massive debt incurred by the production of such a craft. Fox, strapped for cash and perhaps anxious for a little vengeance, decided to fight back against Andross’s forces, and gathered the Star Fox team to save the galaxy.

And he did!

By himself!

Yes, Fox McCloud may have flown with Peppy, Falco, and Slippy, but who was the one that saved their Arwing’s asses every time they got into a scrape? Fox even piloted an experimental submarine just to show some random marine biology who’s boss. And did the whole team battle the giant floating brain of Andross? Nope. Just Fox. So is it any wonder that when Dinosaur Planet was threatened eight years later, Fox was alone in a rotting ship with a rusted out robot? Of course not. Why would Fox ever ask for help? He saved the damn universe! All by himself!

Team Star Fox has reassembled on occasion, but history has proven it will always be undone by the pride of Fox McCloud. Yes, he’s an ace pilot, but what is the cost of being “the best”? Fox could never maintain a permanent relationship with his closest friends. Fox could never maintain a real relationship with the princess that once left her planet for him. If ROB wasn’t bolted to the Great Fox, Fox would be completely alone in the very universe he saved.

No friends, no items, just Fox, alone, at his final destination.

Wrath, Sin of Samus Aran

Samus Aran is murder incarnate. She has committed genocide at least once, and, in the event said genocide doesn’t take, she gets the call to commit some good ol’ fashioned clone genocide. She has also eliminated fellow bounty hunters that were infected by phazon, and took no time waiting to see if a vaccine for such a condition was even possible. Oh, and there’s the little matter of how she was duplicated by her prey twice, and both times the “evil twin” was exactly as destructive as OG Samus. The “Dark” Samuses were just pointed in an inconvenient direction…

And then there’s the matter of Ridley. Ridley is a space pirate that has committed his share of sins, up to and including killing (and maybe devouring) Samus’s parents. Obviously, he should be punished for such an act. In retribution, should he be killed? That’s a question for the philosophers. But should he be killed over and over, at least four times, by the same person? That seems a bit excessive. And then cloned, reborn as an infant, and forced to desperately survive on the same space station as the hunter that killed him in the first place? That’s not a punishment, that’s a horror movie. And Samus is the pure, unstoppable vision of wrath they put on the poster.

Mario… who… uh…

Um… Mario is pretty alright. Hrm. Guess not everybody is a bad smash brother…

FGC #423 Super Smash Bros.

  • Here come the brosSystem: We’re technically just profiling the original N64 release here… so that one. It was the N64! This might be the most important Nintendo franchise to come out of that system. Or the only franchise to start on that system…
  • Number of players: Super Smash Bros. completely justifies all four N64 controller ports. Mario Kart and Goldeneye are pretenders to the throne.
  • Special Thanks/Credit: Once again, the venerable Pooch is responsible for the art of this article. All of it! Except the screenshots! Duh! Hit Pooch up for some commissioned art when you have a chance. Mention this article and get a resounding, “What? Really?”
  • Speaking of Art: Check out that box art.

    Poor lighting

    Link looks so confused!

  • Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: It is rather amazing how much of “Smash Bros.” was right here at the beginning. They might not be distinct modes, but the start of things like Smash Run or Endless Smash is obvious in the single player campaign, and every bit of the presentation seems like a prototype for the eventual celebration of gaming that Smash Bros. would become. Even the intro seems overtly cinematic… for an N64 game, at least.
  • Favorite Character: It’s Samus Aran. It’s always Samus Aran.
  • Follow your Dreams: According to an interview from 2008 (Brawl time) Sakurai initially just wanted to make a new, four-player fighting game with original characters (apparently it would be called… Dragon King? Isn’t that already a JRPG?). Unfortunately, he knew that new fighting games had a rough time attracting an audience, so he “borrowed” a few Nintendo heavies to put together a demo. Nintendo didn’t approve the project (or the characters being tossed into smash world) until a demo featuring Mario, Samus, Donkey Kong, and Star Fox was presented. And the rest is videogame history.
  • FINISHCome to think of it…: That means “out of his Arwing Star Fox” was created for the demo, and Sakurai didn’t go for an already more established 2-D character (like Yoshi). Of course, it’s not like he was going to throw Ness in there, and Kirby wasn’t exactly meant for polygons…
  • Ridley is too big: Ridley appears in the background of the Zebes stage. With his appearance in the opening of Melee, and his status as a boss in Brawl and 4, it’s pretty clear that his turn as a starring character in Ultimate was an inevitability.
  • Did you know? According to the credits and my ears, the Pokémon of this title all use the original 4Kids English voices. That is why Jigglypuff sounds so… right.
  • Would I play again: That’s a good question! It’s weird how Super Smash Bros. feels simultaneously like every other Smash title, and also its own thing. Each character seems to have at least one overpowered move (thank you, Pikachu lightning), and the balance is completely insane as a result. Why play with this old, broken man when there’s a better boy right there on the Switch? On the other hand, the nostalgia here is strong, and it’s always fun to PK Lightning smash a piranha plant. So hard to decide!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Brain Dead 13 for the Playstation! From famous franchises to… not so much. Please look forward to it!

Poor petey