Tag Archives: godzilla

FGC #634 Martial Champion

So many fighting gamesNot all fighting games are created equal. For every Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, or even Clayfighter, there are a bevvy of games that seem to have been forgotten by all but the most dedicated of fighting game enthusiasts. But that does not mean we can’t learn from these “lost” fighting games! Every fighting game, no matter why they were forgotten, has something to offer. Let’s take a look at some forgotten fighting games, and see why they deserve at least a cursory glance…

King of the Monsters
1991

RAWRWhat is going on here: One of the best games to take place in the far-flung future of 1996, King of the Monsters is the story of what happens when six or twelve legally distinct monsters all decide to rumble and see who will be the titular King of the Monsters. This is bad news for anyone that lives in the future-past Japan that is their battleground, but great for anyone that has ever wanted to see a rock giant fight a snot ghost.

Best Character: Is Astro Guy really a monster? He looks like Ultraman, and there is Beetle Mania over there to be his trademark inexplicable giant bug opponent. Astro Guy wins, as he may be a copy like every other monster, but at least he is the kind of monster that didn’t already appear in Rampage.

What can we learn: King of Monsters was released before “fighting games” became codified with Street Fighter 2 (dropped that same year), so King of Monsters almost feels like a “wrestling game”. It has turnbuckle attacks, an emphasis on grabs, and, most importantly, you have to pin your opponent for three seconds to score a win. And that can be fun! An empty life bar is not a loss in King of Monsters, it just means it will be more difficult to get up when Rocky the Moai power dives on your monster. Extending the match a little longer is great in a game with a scant six playable characters, and it is nice to see the potential for a turnaround despite a theoretical impending loss. Let’s see some last-minute grappling from modern games!

Dino Rex
1992

Big boys starting this offWhat is going on here: Like Primal Rage, this is a 2-D fighter featuring dinosaurs battling for supremacy. Also like Primal Rage, this game absolutely sucks. You’ve got three attack buttons, special moves, combos, and the ability to “charge meter” via shouting, but… Oh man. The central conceit here is that you are technically playing as a scantily clad man controlling a dinosaur via whip, and it sure feels like you have only a whip’s worth of control over your chosen dinosaur.

Best Character: All the humans in this game are generic prehistoric dudes (though, if a match ends in a draw, you can play as one of the dudes, and they curiously have Ryu’s moveset), so we presumably must pick a favorite dinosaur here. And is it possible to pick a dinosaur that is not the mighty Tyrannosaurus? It might be purple again, but it is still a goddamned t-rex.

What can we learn: Dino Rex is a bad fighting game for the fact that you are very likely to lose because it is difficult to confirm whether your controller is working at all, but sometimes it feels good to get your ass kicked, because it also kicks everyone else’s asses. The storyline for Dino Rex posits this is an annual dinosaur fighting tournament to win the hand of an Amazon Queen, so there are spectators, and an arena built up for this yearly battle. And, since dinosaurs are fighting, it gets absolutely wrecked. It is fun to watch the surrounding area get destroyed by careless dinosaurs! And someone on staff evidently noticed, as the bonus stage is controlling your dinosaur in a “dream sequence” that sees a modern city getting similarly smashed. So if you’re going to make a bad fighting game, at least let us destroy everything in it.

Martial Champion
1993

What is going on here: One of Konami’s rare, early fighting games (they were more into beat ‘em ups), this is a pretty obvious Street Fighter 2 clone where a bunch of international weirdos are all punching and kicking in an effort to become… I don’t know… some kind of Martial Arts Champion or something. Your attack options are limited to three buttons (high, mid, low), and there are a total of ten selectable characters (and one unplayable boss).

Best Character: Avu is a tempting choice, as he is basically Karnov (he’s even got fire breath!), but I’m going to choose Bobby. Not only does he have the best name, but he seems to exist as an obvious example of “Well, Guile looks kinda American, but is there any way we can crank that up to ten million?”

What can we learn: Martial Champion has a variable weapon system! Kinda! Some fighters have weapons, and said weapons can be knocked out of a fighter’s hands. And the opponent can retrieve these weapons! And… maybe do nothing? If a fighter doesn’t have a weapon to begin with, it seems they do not have any abilities with any weapons. But! Even if you can’t use it, playing keep away with a weapon is good fun. Thought you had increased range with that scimitar before, loser? Now you’re not getting it back until a knock down. Good luck!

Now let’s talk about Shaq-Fu…

FGC #472 Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee

GODZILLA!In 2002, Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee was released. In 2020, Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee has given me an incredibly dumb idea for a new videogame, and I would like it very much if one of my readers could get around to creating such a game.

Allow me to explain.

Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee is a Nintendo Gamecube title that was released a solid eighteen years ago. At the time, it was very well received, as it allowed four players to sit down on a couch, grab a controller, and then destroy the entire city of London with atomic fire breath and the occasional assistance of Mothra. This was a game that was never going to be the next Super Smash Bros. Melee, but it was still a damn good party game. Hell, it was basically the bastard monster child of Rampage and any given Wrestling title, and how could that possibly go wrong? There’s even immediate accessibility, because, unlike most fighting games, you don’t need to “know” the fighters beyond “this one has drill arms” and “that dude has wings”. Ultimately, it’s not like this was ever going to be a game we were talking about twenty years later (wait a minute…), but it was certainly a fun way for a quartet of bored college students to whittle away the wee hours of the morning before finals (not that I have any extremely specific memories of this game or anything).

But, like so many games of the era, there was an immediate problem with Godzilla: DAMM: it required an unholy amount of unlocking. There are a total of three monsters initially selectable, and (if my math is right) that’s one shy of the total number of players. We need two Godzillas! … Which there actually are on this roster, but that’s not what I’m talking about! That second Godzilla requires playing through the entire game once, just like the other six unlockable fighters (“fighters”). And, yes, that only adds up to a roster of ten total monsters for meleein’, which feels very lacking when you’ve got four players palling around. DRILL!You can “see” the entire roster inside of three matches… but only if you’ve actually unlocked that monster roll call. And who wants to play through a game ten times (Mecha Godzilla requires three separate adventure mode clears) just to prepare for a Melee party? Yes, Super Smash Bros. Melee had similarly byzantine unlocking methods available, but that game was incredibly fun to play, and featured a whole host of interesting modes. God:DAMM was limited to one cruddy arcade mode.

… Which is probably why we just used cheat codes to unlock everybody every time we played. Man, we gotta go buy seventeen gallons of vodka, we don’t have time to unlock Ghidrah.

But if we had to manually unlock everyone in Godzilla: Destroy AMM, well, then there probably wouldn’t be any pleasant memories of this otherwise forgotten game. This is an amazing game when playing with three other humans that are all pretending to be monsters and occasionally attempting to simulate bad engrish dubbing across the couch. However, when it’s just you against the adventure mode, it’s an entirely different experience. The computer cheats! Or, more accurately, the AI seems to have complete awareness of the battleground beyond the view of the traditional monster cam, so they will often break off from the fight to pursue some previously unseen powerup. And let me tell you, an AI monster can book it when it wants to! Meanwhile, your own Godzilla (why would anyone play as Aguirus? Godzilla is right there!) moves like a slow, lumbering beast. This is right and proper for a King of the Monsters, but it does feel a bit like you’re being taken advantage of when a rival is pelting you with fireballs from across the screen. FLY!This is never an issue when you’re playing with friends, as you’re all equally slow and terrible thunder lizards, but when you have limited continues and an opponent that seems to have extrasensory awareness? It gets old fast. A fighter controlling like a mack truck isn’t great under normal circumstance, but it’s somehow even worse when the same rules don’t seem to apply to your opponent.

And that’s when I had my grand idea: why not make a videogame where everybody sucks?

Wait, no, let me try that again.

My thinking here is that G:DAMM is a game where you’re controlling classic movie monsters. And, let’s be real here, absolutely every movie monster from earlier than about 1990 was a dude in a dreadful rubber suit. If a head was allowed to peak out, there could also be a dreadful mask or dreadful prosthetics involved, but, by and large, we’re only talking about big, puffy, and inevitably sweaty rubber suits. And, while this certainly also applies to Western monsters (Abbott and Costello simply could not afford a CGI Frankenstein), we all know that Godzilla and his many opponents were all dudes (and ladies, presumably) in rubber suits. So, while this game sees your monsters maneuver about as well as a freight train being steered by FRA-licensed cow, that feels almost appropriate, as how well do you think you would be able to maneuver while being trapped in a miniature, mobile sauna? Godzilla controls terribly, but it always looked like “real” Godzilla would have the same kind of problems. Oh, a powerup appeared outside of your line of vision? Well, do you think it would be easy to see in that suit? Of course not! This is immersive gameplay!

Which is where my game idea originated: why not create a fighting game where all the fighters are stuck in big, cumbersome monster costumes?

POWER!Haruo Nakajima is the man behind the monster that played Godzilla in twelve separate films from 1954 to 1972. When you close your eyes and picture Godzilla destroying Tokyo (aka every time you close your eyes, obviously), you’re picturing Haruo Nakajima inside a Godzilla costume. And you know something else about Haruo Nakajima? He had a black belt in judo. This means one thing: Haruo Nakajima could kick your ass. And, considering he did his job masterfully for nearly twenty years, there are pretty good odds he could kick your ass while wearing a Godzilla costume. And wouldn’t that be kind of neat? – Well, to watch, not to get your ass kicked by Godzilla… or… Or would that be even more interesting… Wait, never mind, back to the original topic – Wouldn’t it be fascinating to see how a martial artist adapts to fighting within a giant rubber suit? How moves are changed and adapted to accommodate for added bulk, extra exertion, and, inevitably, a little foam tail? And wouldn’t it be fun to control a fighter of black belt caliber trapped in such a suit?

Yes, I am suggesting someone create Rubber Movie Monster Fighter (Melee).

Look, I know we have the technology. And it doesn’t have to go full QWOP (though that would be kind of amazing), I’m just suggesting a fighting game where it feels “right” that your fighter is struggling to survive while locked inside a mascot costume. And, to be clear, we don’t need a Godzilla license. The Power Rangers franchise alone has to be responsible for a collection of rubber “movie” monsters greater than the actual population of Iowa. It’s wouldn’t be that difficult to work out some original monsters that may or may not be Tyrannosaurs-adjacent. ZAP!And nobody gets “fireballs” or “dragon punches” or alike, it’s just all mascot monsters throwing fists and stubby little kicks. Bonus points for posing after your opponent has been knocked over, and maybe a mini-game involved on just finding the effort to stand up again if you’re the one that toppled over in an enormous turtle costume. It would still be, at its core, a fighting game, but it would be a very different fighting game.

And if Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee proves anything, it’s that people will put up with cumbersome controls if it means enjoying a “different” fighting game. So, if you’ve got some coding experience and a graphics department laying around, have your people call my people, I’ve been anxious to add a “concept by” credit to my résumé. I mean… it could be a really fun game!

FGC #472 Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee

  • System: Nintendo Gamecube initially, and then ported to the Xbox (one… but not that One). There was also a Gameboy Advance title that Wikipedia thinks is the same game (Godzilla: Domination), but that was a Wayforward joint that was completely different by virtue of containing an enormous Mecha Ghidrah.
  • Number of players: Four, as is appropriate to a melee.
  • Blazing!Further Issues: Maybe the reason the controls for this seem so wrong so often is that many of the monsters have non-standard body types. No, I’m not saying some of the monsters are shaped unusually, I’m saying many of the fighters don’t even have arms. That impacts the “one size fits all” controls pretty significantly. And don’t get me started on all the monsters that just happen to have the power of flight…
  • Favorite Kaiju: Technically it is hard to choose anyone but Godzilla. But Megalon does have drill arms and the ability to dig through the Earth for some rad flip attacks, so he’s certainly right up there.
  • Missed Opportunity: Jet Jaguar basically looks like a budget Ultra Man, and he’s completely missing from this adventure. Granted, he’s not technically a monster, but I wouldn’t mind having at least one vaguely menacing humanoid robot running around.
  • Did you know? Haruo Nakajima had an asteroid named in his memory in 2018. I really hope that asteroid stays the hell away from Earth, because, if we somehow survive such an apocalyptic impact, we’re going to spend the next century talking about the grand irony of Asteroid 110408 Nakajima destroying Tokyo.
  • Would I play again: Nope. I might have an idea for a game where characters control like bulky monsters, but it’s not all that fun on the Gamecube. I enjoyed this title in its time, but its time has passed.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Dragon Warrior 4! It’s time for Alena and a bunch of losers to save the world. Please look forward to it!

FGC #447 We ❤ Katamari

In the wake of a little green man and a giant ball wrecking the planet, let’s take a moment to cover all the news…

National
Trump Address Nation
“Our borders will be back!”

President Trump tweeted to what is left of the nation today after the attack of what is now being called the “Democrat Ball”.




He then proceeded to blame a cornucopia of races for the attack, and eventually explained the naming of the destructive sphere:

“Democrats? Who can trust them? I’m not saying they made this ball, but people are talking. They hate your number one favorite president, so they’re trying to embarrass him. We need to stop this Democrat Ball and Crooked Hilary!”

Poor NYCAt a later press conference, Trump provided no further details, but when asked what Hilary Clinton had to do with anything, responded by calling a reporter a word we cannot in good conscience reprint. It rhymes with “bunt”.

Democrat Ball relief will be sent to New York, New Jersey, and other areas our president deems worthy. When asked where President Trump would find the money to rebuild, in New York City’s case, an entire island (island included) President Trump began shouting that the economy is as good as it ever was, and anyone that claims he is not a billionaire is a liar.

In further response to the Democrat Ball, an Executive Order has been issued exiling any United States residents with, per the order, “funny sounding last names”. As of press time, the administration has declined to further define those terms.

Local
Farmer Loses Mythical Beast
“My cowbear!”

Cows!A local farmer lost his beloved cowbear yesterday, and still has no idea where it has gone.

“It just up and ran off. My prized cowbear!” balled the strange farmer. “It done flew out of its pen yesterday, chasing some flying, flaming cow, and then the whole rest of my little cows and bears ran away, too. They all followed that dang cowbear down to the racetrack, and I don’t have a dag gum clue what to do!”

When the farmer was told there was no such thing as a cowbear, and that there was absolutely no race track in the area, he simply stared into nothingness for approximately five minutes. After the long, awkward, and eerie pause, he finally spoke, saying, “You guys are no help, I’m gonna go ask myself that King of the Cosmos if he’ll help me.”

The King of the Cosmos denied comment, citing he didn’t exist, either.

Entertainment
Beyoncé, Los Angeles Crushed
A loss for the planet

Yass QueenIn sad news, Beyoncé was enveloped in the Democrat Ball. Unfortunately, she was on the outside of the ball for quite a while, and suffered more than a few hair emergencies thanks to her body being crushed by the sheer force of the rest of the items in the ball, such as cars, monuments, and marginally rabid tourists and fans. Presumably, Beyoncé is now orbiting our solar system with the rest of those lost to the Democrat Ball, making the popular singer a literal star.

Whether or not this will affect the release of Beyoncé’s next single, Love in a Partitioned Drive, is yet to be seen.

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World
Super Sumo Destroys Japanese City
Move over Godzilla!

Sumo!Downtown Tokyo was destroyed today as a gigantic sumo cannibal bowled through the city.

The unidentified sumo rolled around, presumably too hefty to walk, and was followed by a small green creature. The sumo miraculously chose not to devour the green critter, but did proceed to eat everything he could fit into his gaping maw, including people. The sumo terror grew at an exponential rate, and, while he started merely eating food randomly strung around on the street for the Metro City Memorial Festival, he grew to such a size that even the greatest yokozuna could not hope to achieve.

“Sakura and I were just sitting there, minding our own business, eating a pizza, ya know, nothing special,” said one Ryu Chan of Kyoto. “And then this brobdingnagian sumo comes rolling over, sticks Sakura in his diaper with our pizza and a bunch of giant watermelons, and then he ate Sakura! After the watermelons but before the pizza! So you know!”

The young Ryu was obviously shocked at the loss of his sweetie/pizza, but retained a certain optimism that can only originate from the blissful knowledge of having avoided digestion.

While we did attempt to interview the super sumo, we unfortunately failed when our cameraman was consumed. We accepted that as a “no comment”, and allowed the sumo to roll away, demolishing a fencepost, fence, and two dolphins on his way out of town.

Science
Are we hurtling into the sun?
Some say “yes,” others “no”

MY EYES!Scientists claim the sun is growing closer by the moment.

An independent study conducted by Ultra Tech claims the sun is right where it has always been, and it’s just a trick of the eye.

After the damage wrought yesterday by the Democrat Ball rolling across our nation and the world, certain scientists are claiming our own planet is being used as the next Democrat Ball, and it is rapidly gaining speed on its way to the sun!

Other scientists think those first scientists are gigantic loonies.

“It is unmistakable!” said one Professor Larks. “We are quickly attracting other, smaller planets and satellites, and being hurled at the sun by some cosmic entity! It’s all over, people, this is the end!”

“My respected colleague is, unfortunately, an idiot,” retorted Professor Relson. “If we were getting closer to the sun, it would start becoming remarkably hot, and all studies show that the planet is not getting warmer at all. See, the proof is in this data. Although I must admit that it is odd that the constellation Cygnus appears to be stuck in my lab assistant’s buttocks.”

While temperatures have indeed been climbing today, it has been deemed a perfectly normal, predicted heat wave, and is in no way indicative of the Earth eventually crashing into the sun. As many scientists have already concluded, the Democrat Ball was caused by Democrats, and it is currently unlikely they wish to see the destruction of all life on Earth. It would be insane for a political party to actively destroy the planet in the name of guileless greed.

Whether we actually are approaching the sun, for any reason, is yet to be seen.

This entire article is a work of fiction, and not intended to be taken seriously. All celebrity tweets are impersonated. This is parody of our own completely bonkers reality.

FGC #447 We ❤ Katamari

  • System: Playstation 2, and that’s it. Maybe we’ll see a Switch rerelease? Maybe they won’t release this one the same day as Super Smash Bros? Who’s to say?
  • KATAMARI!Number of players: I have never successfully gotten a two-player roll-out going with Katamari Damacy, but I’m sure there’s an alternate dimension where it became a competitive sport.
  • Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: I would argue that this is the truest form of Katamari, after the initial proof-of-concept that was fun, but still limited; but before the inevitable parade of sequels that wound up pasting gimmicks and general unwanted cruft to a winning formula. This isn’t to say this is my absolute favorite Katamari game, but it is one of the best in the franchise. Oh, and I played it for about ten billion hours back at its release, so I’m going to go ahead and say that it has enough content to keep someone busy…
  • Just play the gig, man: I also want to say that Katamari Damacy and its sequels are the only games for which I inevitably seek out the soundtrack immediately. I can sing a song for all who feel love! And I will!
  • Favorite Roll-up: The sweets stage, featuring a delicious gingerbread house, is my pick of the game. You really can’t lose when you’re building the world’s largest jawbreaker. Willy Wonka knew that!
  • Did you know? There is an entire cottage industry for nerds attempting to complete that 1,000,000 rose rollup challenge that is unlocked after completing the game. I simply want to point out that people did this thing before trophies were a mainstay in gaming.
  • Would I play again: I ❤ this game. Please port it to Switch, Namco? I need to have portable sumo rolling on the regular.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Mega Man X5 for the Playstation! And we’re going to throw Mega Man X4 in there, too! It’ll be a mega time! Please look forward to it!

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FGC #436 The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare

SIMPSONS DID ITWhy do I keep this website going? Why write about videogames? Because even the most innocuous of videogames contain magnitudes.

Today’s title is The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare, a game I rented and played more times than Ralph Wiggum could ever hope to count. I didn’t actually own the cartridge until very late in the SNES’s lifespan (a glorious time of liquidations and sales), but I rented it repeatedly because A. I loved The Simpsons, and B. I couldn’t hope to beat it. The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare is a surprisingly difficult game, and, given my childhood OCD habits, I couldn’t exist as a human being knowing I had not completed such a challenge. If I could conquer Bart vs. The Space Mutants, I could certainly handle Indiana Bart.

And, while I did eventually win the day (very eventually), it took a wee Goggle Bob many a rental to finally see Bart earn an A+. Why? Well, mostly because The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare is kind of a mess of seven different games sewn together. We’ve got Bart tomb raiding, and it’s primarily a puzzle situation with some very unusual offensive controls. We’ve got Bart vs. Itchy and Scratchy, an action game with extremely deadly traps and tricks. Bart-Man flying through the skies is, conversely, a very forgiving shoot ‘em up. Bart in his own bloodstream playing Dig-Dug with viruses and collecting nuclear cowboys defies any basic kind of genre or logic. And Big Bartzilla plays pretty close to a rhythm-challenged portion of Rhythm Heaven, while Lil’ Bartzilla is a… climbing simulator? Regardless, neither version of Bartzilla is just straight up Rampage, and that’s a shame. All of this is tied together by a “hub world” that is about CRUSH!80% action, 20% adventure. You have to think the tiniest bit! As you can see, that’s a lot of different games all rolled into one, and, while mastering one or two might be doable, it takes a lot of practice (and heartbreak) to overcome the entirety of Bart’s Nightmare. I did it when I was a kid. I was proud of it when I was a kid.

Playing Bart’s Nightmare as an adult, though? Now I can safely say that Bart’s Nightmare sucks.

Look, there’s a lot of game here. There are a lot of interesting ideas. But practically every one of these ideas is 100% half-baked. Bart dodging grenades in his own bloodstream sounds like a fever dream to begin with, but the actual mechanics of that level are never satisfying. There are two enemies: one can only ever bother you, while the other employs a persistent instant death attack. And the only way to immediately tell the difference is to check out their hats. And that gets a little… insane when they start swarming the screen. And the objective of that level is to grab a randomly spawning mascot (that had appeared in a whole four episodes at this point… he’s at six now), and your success is usually determined by whether or not he/it happened to appear anywhere near your poor, difficult to control Bart. And that’s just one of the games! I could spend literally the entire rest of this article recounting the Weeeeemany, many issues in practically every segment of this title. Do you want to hear about how difficult it is to master the timing for defeating Homer Kong/King Homer? Because I could tell you stories…

And, looking at Bart’s Nightmare as an enlightened, completely objective adult (that is also handsome and super smrt), I can see exactly what went wrong: it’s not good enough. Like… uh… objectively! Bart’s Nightmare has a lot of interesting ideas, but no single portion of the game is fully-realized. It’s a collection of mini-games that do not add up to one single good game because each individual piece needs a few more hours (days… months?) of playtesting and tweaking. There’s a skeleton of an excellent game here, but the flesh is weak and pasty. A little more time, and Bart’s Nightmare could have been one of the greats of the 16-bit era.

And it also would have been nice if Bart’s Nightmare didn’t force someone to retire from making videogames entirely.

Let’s talk about Bill Williams. Bill Williams was born in 1960, and was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis early in life. He learned at the age of 12 that he was unlikely to live past 13. He died at 38 (okay, technically 37, but it was a day before his birthday, so we’re going to call that close enough). Bill Williams was one of the earliest videogame designers, apparently getting into the field in the early 80’s because he saw the Atari and Amiga as the future (back when systems were simply “the future” and not just “the future of gaming”). And Williams wound up responsible for some seriously weird titles of the time. Salmon Run, his first title, was basically Frogger but with some manner of fish (probably a trout?). Necromancer was the story of a Geomancer growing an army of trees to battle the titular Necromancer and his undead army (and, yes, this remains one of the few games to even reference the historical rivalry between sentient forests and ogres). Mind Walker, one of the first Amiga 1000 titles, defies description in every possible way. It’s… uh… it’s kind of like Lawnmower Man? And the selectable characters are a body builder, nymph, wizard, or alien. And you can play with Sigmund Freud’s pipe. Move alongIt’s… uh… something. Regardless, Williams was responsible for many different games, and many of his games were solely his creation: he was responsible for graphics, sound, concept, and programming these titles. Yes, that was a lot easier back in the day of “green dot is actually a dragon”, but take a look at some of his creations, and you’ll realize this guy really knew how to push those pixels to the limit.

As the world moved on to bigger and more Mega Man-based systems, Bill Williams stuck around to work on some more licensed titles. Monopoly for the NES was a Bill Williams joint. And so was The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare. And, incidentally, The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare made Bill Williams quit the entire industry.

If there is more information on exactly what happened during Bart’s Nightmare’s development, I haven’t found it. However, it isn’t too hard to see what happened here. Bart’s Nightmare is a game teeming with interesting ideas. Take the hub world: there are a variety of different enemies, from Lisa the Fairy to Principal Skinner to Jimbo and the Bullies to “Grandma”. However, they all work in a sort of ecosystem where one “threat” is actually helpful when Bart is beset by another monster. Grandma’s kiss causes Bart to stop and lose points, but when Lisa turns Bart into a helpless frog, Granny’s kiss will restore his human form. And being a frog sucks, but if Bart is captured by the bullies, it is Lisa that will transform them into harmless rats. Principal Skinner’s suit will disable Bart’s offensive capabilities (though kind of make him invincible), but jumping into the normally aggravating puddle of mud will retire the suit. There’s even a unique take on the “lifebar” and how performing different feats, like controlling bubblegum bubbles or skateboarding, will extend Bart’s dream existence in curious ways. In short, there are a hundred fascinating ideas in just one area of Bart’s Nightmare, and an entire game with this much creativity on display could have revolutionized gaming for 1992.

What is evening happening?But Bart’s Nightmare did not wind up a revolutionary game. Bart’s Nightmare, in its final incarnation, is not particularly fun. There are a lot of exciting ideas on display, but they are not implemented well or completely. It is very easy to see how an additional few months could have refined Bart’s Nightmare to be something that is truly classic, but this was another random bit of Simpsons merchandise. Reading between the lines… and a few interviews with Bill Williams… and you can easily see how Bart’s Nightmare was rushed out the door the minute it was passable. The age of the videogame orator was over, and Williams was forced to release an unfinished product for the exclusive purpose of sopping up some Simpsons cash. Thus did Bill Williams retire from gaming, and began writing a series of meditations on being a Christian living with an incurable disease, ultimately a return to a field where he could again be a sole author of his work. He passed away six years after Bart’s Nightmare, living just long enough to see the rise of the JRPG and titles that were a little more narratively interesting than “Bart has a dream”. However, whether he was even still looking at the industry he once loved so much is unknown. Considering what he did with the meager Amiga, we can only imagine what could have been possible if he got his hands on a Playstation dev kit.

But it’s for people like Bill Williams that I keep the FGC going. The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare is not a good game, but it is inexorably linked to a much greater story. Videogames are art, and every piece tells a story, regardless of whether or not “Bart as Indiana Jones” is the least fun experience anyone could ever imagine. Every plastic cartridge, every disc contains volumes that extend far beyond their credits roll. Whether it be a game that is eternally tied to childhood memories or the actions of a man that was remarkable for his place in the industry, every game has the potential to be important to the great tapestry of human achievement. Every videogame can have a lesson.

And let Bart’s Nightmare be a lesson to you, sweeties. Never love anything.

FGC #436 The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare

  • DespicableSystem: Super Nintendo Chalmers, but also ported to Lisa Genesis.
  • Number of players: Don’t have a two player mode, man.
  • Casual Racism: Apu’s only appearance is zooming by on a flying carpet to dispense squishies. Get it!? He’s Indian! Everybody laugh at that silly foreigner!
  • Is Bart, at any point during his sleep, a Viking? Sadly, no.
  • Favorite Dream: I think I will always have a soft spot for the Bartman segment, as it was the first stage/level/dream/whatever that I was actually good at. I really want to like the Bartzilla segments… but they kinda suck. Can you just let me stomp around as a kaiju in peace!?
  • So, did you beat it: I did! Once (without savestates)! And it took so many in-game tries, I think I maxed out the score counter. I probably played that game continuously for so many uninterrupted hours, it’s a wonder my SNES didn’t explode.
  • I did the Iggy: The final boss of the Itchy & Scratchy segment is… a furnace. That’s it. Just a furnace. And this was before that one Treehouse of Horror where a furnace was relevant for like thirty seconds. To say the least, this was an odd choice.
  • Did you know? There’s a Simpsons short from the Tracey Ullman days titled “Bart’s Nightmare”. It’s mainly about Bart stealing cookies (what a bad boy), and the only whimsy involved is a brief bit where Bart is shrunk down to tiny size. As “tiny” isn’t the premise of a single level in the game, I’m going to go ahead and say the existence of the short is merely a coincidence.
  • Would I play again: Bart’s Nightmare has a weird and interesting place in gaming history. And that’s cool! Unfortunately, that doesn’t make the title any more fun to play. I’ll pass on a replay until I get extremely nostalgic.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Super Princess Peach for the Nintendo DS. Peachy! Please look forward to it!

Good Job!
Like Bart cares about getting an A.