Ladies and gentlemen, as a special treat that exists for reasons outside of wanting to have an even number of Xenogears articles, please enjoy this “podcast”-style review of all the Gears in Xenogears.
We are reviewing the various Gear schematics available in the good book, Xenogears Perfect Works. This is well worth a listen, and I stand by this as the funniest “impromptu” video on the site. Giant robots are your deadbeat dad!
And that’s it for Xenogears coverage on Gogglebob.com, folks! All posted a mere 780 days after we streamed our first episode of Xenogears. I told you it would finish eventually! Just like Xenogears!
What’s next? Moving from one Square Playstation JRPG to a Square Playstation adventure game…
Today we will (rapidly) examine people who came from nothing, but eventually obtained -the power-.
First, we have Hammer. While Hammer was friendly with one future god-slayer and one future popette, it is hard to say Hammer was ever a good person. He did good things, and he did help people in the prison of Kislev District D, but he was also an arms smuggler, which is decidedly not the most altruistic of vocations. Then, when the chips were down, he was easily coerced into threatening an innocent(ish) woman’s family. He failed at that (while incidentally killing the future holy mother’s mother), and was then rebuilt as a weaponized robot rat. Unfortunately, even with this power at hand, he still attacked his old comrades. And, when he had been summarily defeated, he found that his new masters had boobytrapped his body, and he was rigged to explode. While his former compatriots were able to escape, Hammer died bursting with agony in a pit in some forgotten cave. He came from nothing, gained -the power-, used it for selfish ends, and returned to nothing.
And on the subject of Hammer’s homicidal superiors, we have Ramsus. Ramsus was born to be something more, but was treated like trash since the womb(/tube). He worked his way up to a standing of some nobility, but then had a win-loss record of 60-1 for a solid six years with a “trash” martial artist (that would have rather been a painter anyway). As a result, despite clearly proving he has -the power- (just not all -the power-) Ramsus was convinced he was a loser, and would literally do anything to demonstrate he was something more. In a mad attempt to get the attention of his rival, he endangered an entire town of people, and even threatened to crush their holy mother (who, admittedly, was his hated opponent’s girlfriend). When that proved to be so pointless that it was barely worth mentioning, he then moved on to killing the Emperor of Solaris. And, yes, Solaris was mostly a smoking crater at this point, and it was hard to say what Emperor Cain was even ruling, but still. It was not a nice thing to do, and only served the purpose of further endangering the like sixty people that could be defined as humans at this point. Ramsus, like Hammer, used -the power- only to help himself, and even failed at that.
But this world is not so dark that you cannot see the light. Ramsus had a group of subordinates known as The Elements. Dominia Yizkor, Seraphita, Tolone, and Kelvena were all considered to be have-nots, as they all had disadvantages such as random etheric disabilities, cybernetic parts, or elf ears. However, they pooled their abilities to become a force that could threaten -the power-, and literally combined their strengths into a gigantic robot. And, like Hammer or Ramsus, they initially used this force to bully those that they blamed for their difficult lives. But after speaking to the woman that would shortly thereafter be manhandled by a raging Ramsus, they decided to use their vigor not for selfish reasons, but to help the man that had raised them up to -the power- in the first place. And, while this change of heart was partially facilitated by being beaten bloody by a team of giant robots (two of them piloted by former Elements that now had better jobs), everyone else mentioned at this point were defeated by Gears and still didn’t learn their lesson.
So use -the power- for good. And if you cannot bring yourself to do that, maybe use your own power to find something good. It will reduce the odds of self-exploding.
We have spoken a lot about -the power- over the course of these sermons, but what can one do once they have firmly acquired and established -the power-? Solaris offers an answer: sinful decadence.
The Sacred Empire of Solaris was founded some 800 years back, but did not come to true power until 300 years later when it all but conquered the world during the Shevat-Solaris War. And, centuries after those conflicts, Solaris’s government controlled the actions of nearly everyone on the planet. But what was happening within the walls of that flying fortress? Well, it depended on your caste…
Solaris is supported by a large group of “workers” that are practically indistinguishable from slaves. They work all day and night, and are punished with death at the slightest sign of insubordination. This is considered wholly normal and necessary by all Solaris citizens, and is happily consumed by the citizenry that stands at the higher castes. Oh, and speaking of being “happily consumed”, Solaris also mulches its have-nots into a Soylent Green Slurry, so the rich eat the poor without a second thought. The powerful devour the weak, even though the only reason the weak are labeled as such is a simple accident of birth.
But once you get past the dietary restrictions, what do the rich do in this society that holds all -the power- on the planet? Nothing! They are idle, and frequently spend their days watching holo-programs (while those on the surface of the planet have barely mastered the phonogram). They exercise their bodies not through actual work, but in home aerobics. And when their emperor appears to tell them that strange people have invaded the country, and said people are to be executed, they happily agree that their master’s bloodlust must be sated. Mind you, this is still a city where dissent from anyone will be chastised via pursuit through the sewers by attack triangles, so it is possible the population is just afraid to speak out against any injustices. But then again, those guys zooming around in their hover go-karts don’t look too broken up about the state of their civilization…
But where does this all lead? Well, despite the fact that Solaris had easily the best showers on this planet, it still could not maintain -the power-. Even though there were multiple high-ranking Solarians involved in the invasion of Fei Fong Wong, none were strong enough to stop the terrorist martial artist with a giant robot. As a result, the whole of Solaris was obliterated by the actions of one man, and the wicked kingdom was brought low.
So learn from the sins of Solaris! Do not use -the power- to build an idle nation, fore it shall be ground to nothing by a ponytailed slacker.
Even Worse Streams presents Xenogears
Original Stream Night: May 4, 2021
Night of the Simulated Theme Park
Random Stream Notes
We’re going to start by beholding the Final Fantasy 7 Tifa cameo! Welcome back with Kishi, Caliscrub, and fanboymaster
BEAT does not know who Elly is. Still.
Hey, this was back when they announced Elon Musk on Saturday Night Live. Remember when he was only subtly impacting our entertainment choices?
Also, BEAT watched Netflix Voltron, but failed to remember the Voltron lions are… lions. They are not dogs.
Elly’s Mom is wearing the same outfit as Allen of Xenosaga. The lore implications of this are terrifying.
BEAT’s dad knew a guy who had a full-length poster of himself in a closet. Like Elly. And Elly turned out fine.
Jeanie for real joins for the first time as Elly hacks her dad’s computer! Historic!
“You call people named ‘Stan’ ‘Satan’?!”
Mega Man 4 is the most unremarkable game Kishi can think of.
BEAT would rather talk about Nicholas Cage, but watching Citan force a cannibalism is allowed.
As I have to deal with dumb Xenogears codes, I am invited to talk about Warzard. Hey! Now you can play that game on modern consoles.
After Fei throws up, I relay my story of being a giant Mortal Kombat / videogame nerd back when I was 12. So little has changed…
And then we talk about watching our family members die in arcade games and Oregon Trail.
Square Enix, please call me. I have wonderful ideas for Kingdom Hearts x Xenogears. I promise to be good.
A conversation about developer crunch leads to some heavy sighs about the industry and that one Avengers game.
Oh good. We’re talking about the Ken Penders extended universe for some reason.
Final Fantasy 10 allows you to just decide not to die, which is not unlike downloading yourself to a TV sphere.
Hey! Fei is eventually trapped in the Matrix! The second one! With the Architect!
“When you do post this, I will pay attention to that.” BEAT? Are you paying attention now?
And we’re going to stop before the big action happens. This would have been a good place for Xenogears 1 to end…
Next time on Xenogears: A shocking explanation of absolutely nothing.
Let us again consider the nature of -the power-, and how one must use it.
Bartholomew “Bart” Fatima sought -the power-. His home kingdom had been ravaged by war, his family murdered in a coup, and his own betrothed/cousin Margie had been intermittently kidnapped by an invading army. In response, Bart gathered a crew and weaponry to fight back, but his true desire was to uncover his lineage’s legendary treasure. This item was supposedly powerful beyond measure, and intended for use by the royal family when its country was in danger. But Bart had no idea where to find this gem. Coincidentally, Bart’s father had told him of a family treasure to be used in emergencies in the shed out back. But Bart never checked that out, because, ya know, the whole of his country being invaded didn’t rank as a substantial enough emergency. Really got to keep the powder kegs dry there. Even when half the population of Nisan was hiding in the very same crypt that held this unimaginable power, Bart still had not uncovered his family’s treasure…
Meanwhile, we have Marguerite Fatima, the Holy Mother of Nisan, Margie was unaware of this treasure, but when she joined Bart to uncover the secrets of the Fatima Jasper, she wasted no time. Her own dead mother’s eyes had been stolen by Geblar, and Margie wasn’t going to take any of this situation lying down. Even after being shot, she successfully scooted into the cockpit of her family’s treasure, the Omnigear, Andvari. Without knowing how to pilot such a thing, she successfully repelled enemy forces with a machine gun, and wasted no time in wielding this newfound power to protect herself. While Bart eventually commanded Andvari, it was Margie that fired the first shots, and showed everyone how -the power- could be used.
And then Bart took the reigns of royalty. And even though Nisan was in the very precarious position of having just regained its independence, Bart attempted to abdicate his responsibilities further. He wanted to make the country a republic, which is all well and noble, but he wasn’t giving up his Omnigear to some unknown council. The prince-now-king had the most powerful super weapon on the planet, and he wanted to use it to… I don’t know… go out for pizza or something. He could have immediately combined his firepower with political power to protect his nation for generations to come, but he thought the right thing to do was give half this strength over to the populace, and keep the other, more tangible half for himself.
Luckily, everybody voted to keep Bart in power anyway. And, while his reign would be brief thanks to his people being turned into sickly murder zombies shortly thereafter, at least Bart was convinced to use -the power- for good during the seven seconds he sat on the throne and was not commanding a combination airship/giant robot.
And we can safely assume Margie had everything under control in his absence…
Even Worse Streams presents Xenogears
Original Stream Night: April 13, 2021
Night of the Chronicles of Castlevania
Random Notes on the Stream
We’re starting by insulting that The Last of Us Remake… hey, this was just when it was announced!
I did talk to Citan’s family last stream! You can watch it! Please don’t make Kishi mad by claiming I didn’t!
We have an airship! Now let’s talk about Castlevania Chronicles. It is the memory card icon du jour.
Vanderkam and terrible one-off villains are discussed until we inevitably arrive at Trigun again. And then I predict a Trigun revival. O.M.G. I am psychic.
Margie was supposed to have “all kinds of sick and nasty weapons” under her cloak. We got robbed of a good character.
Please enjoy learning about Matteus Issachar and Final Fantasy 7.
Final Fantasy Ever Crisis is mentioned as a thing that exists. This also prompts a comment about the marginally more related Xenosaga: Pied Piper.
I point out that the intro of Xenogears is practically a tour of the Xenosaga Durandal.
“I have always known I am not cool.”
Live, on stream, I confirm I have the Xenogears demo as part of owning Parasite Eve. We’ll get back to that on the final stream!