This article contains spoilers for Xenoblade Chronicles 2. It has been out for five years now, but it is a long game, so if you want to get through it clean, be aware. You have been warned!
No, not body types. That is part and parcel with the genre. XC2 sets unreasonable expectations for…
These dorks. These expectations for the concept of friendship are impossible.
No one is going to blame you if you never played through Xenoblade Chronicles 2. The game takes a bare minimum of 60 hours to complete, the battle system is complicated and poorly conveyed (there are distinct techniques you can use to maximize damage, but they are about as transparent as the Kingdom Hearts plot), and the general aesthetic of the adventure is best described as “bubblegum horny”. It is a bad sign when your heroines are popular enough to appear in another, tremendously more popular franchise, but they must put some extra clothes on to get through the door. As an adult that has some modicum of respect for my own time (lies) and people who could rock shiny, red bikinis (but choose not to), I will personally forgive anyone that passed on Xenoblade Chronicles 2.
But I am also glad I finally pulled the trigger on Xenoblade Chronicles 2, as the parallels between this title and my beloved Xenosaga franchise are significant. In fact, if it were anyone but Monolith Soft putting out this title, XC2 would lead to a team of lawyers being dispatched for copyright infringement. Tell me if you have heard this one before…
Ladies and gentlemen, as a special treat that exists for reasons outside of wanting to have an even number of Xenogears articles, please enjoy this “podcast”-style review of all the Gears in Xenogears.
This Robot Roundtable features myself, usual Even Worse commentator fanboymaster, frequent guest Abby Denton, and newcomer Sean. Note that everyone involved but yours truly is a verified giant robot nerd. I… am more into Transformers.
We are reviewing the various Gear schematics available in the good book, Xenogears Perfect Works. This is well worth a listen, and I stand by this as the funniest “impromptu” video on the site. Giant robots are your deadbeat dad!
And that’s it for Xenogears coverage on Gogglebob.com, folks! All posted a mere 780 days after we streamed our first episode of Xenogears. I told you it would finish eventually! Just like Xenogears!
What’s next? Moving from one Square Playstation JRPG to a Square Playstation adventure game…
Krelian was an assassin 500 years ago. Unfortunately, he was not a very good assassin, and fell in love with his target, the 13-year-old Sophia. Krelian had a good seven years with Sophia before she became politically active and started hanging out more with her “childhood friend”, a pretty boy painter. But, potential infidelity and/or grooming aside, when Sophia was permanently lost to a suicidal combat maneuver during the Shevat-Solaris War, Krelian karened out. His anger at a manager that would allow such an injustice was so all-consuming, he vowed to create a new manager that presided over a world where the good would never be sacrifices.
But Krelian was not honest with who he really was, so this plan had a few hiccups. For one thing, his plan to create a new god would sacrifice nearly every human living on the planet… which is a bit of a hypocritical move when you are doing this “for” one dead lady. He also gained the ability to control who lived or died through nanotechnology, and unilaterally “sentenced” a few random Shevat and Solarian leaders to immortality. Did he use his ability to grant eternal life for a good reason? Nope! And, in pursuit of his goal, he tortured and experimented on people for centuries. He even tortured Elhaym Van Houten, who was the living reincarnation of the woman he purported to love! And he tortured Chu-Chu, too! Which is just unpleasant!
In short, Krelian wanted to create god, but he ignored how he had turned from the divine long ago.
Then we have Lacan, that painter that Sophia seemed to dote on. Lacan had significant self-esteem issues, and thought painting a portrait of “the Holy Mother” that happened to be his friend/potential paramour was beyond his capability. Then, when Sophia died, he blamed himself, and decided it would never have happened if he was tougher. In pursuit of -the power-, he hooked up with a purple-haired war criminal, and attempted to steal strength from god. However, this ended poorly, with 98% of the planet’s surface population being obliterated in the ensuing chaos. And that wasn’t enough! This was right about the time that, thanks to a gross misunderstanding of some well wishes, he vowed to live to see the end of the world. And if that apocalypse wasn’t happening anytime soon, he would help the world get to the last page all the faster.
And considering he then spent the next 500 years manipulating everyone within a 500-yard radius into similarly and fruitlessly chasing -the power-, it is easy to see how he could bring about the end of everything. He even manipulated a traumatized child into being a living weapon. Which is all the more tragic when “old” Lacan had power all his own all the while…
But that brings us to that traumatized child. Fei Fong Wong was a mere babe when Lacan attempted to steal -the power- from Fei. But Fei’s father, Khan, fought to protect his son, and, in the ensuing melee, Fei’s deific power was released. This instantly killed Fei’s mother, Karen, and left the youngster in a mental quagmire that plunged his “normal” personality into hibernation. This left us with a Fei identifying as Id that seemed to live for death and destruction. And when this Id hooked up with Lacan (now known as Grahf), the two of them got up to a few hijinks that involved a surprising amount of genocide. Eventually, a third personality in Fei emerged to suppress the murderous Id, but this third persona had no access to the memories of the previous two. In short, Fei was a third of the person he could be, with memories that only stretched back a few years.
But, despite/because of more recent traumas, Fei was able to come to an understanding with all of his personalities. Even if this process caused him untold pain, Fei was able to reckon with his true self. As a result, Fei was able to make true contact with god, and obtain the fabled Xenogears, a Gear that was powered by an extra-dimensional energy source entirely separate from Krelian’s machinations.
And were Krelian or Lacan ever able to find their god? Well, considering Fei killed that giant slug before he even achieved enlightenment, outlook is not too good there.
Even Worse Streams presents Xenogears
Night 16
Original Stream Night: June 1, 2021
Night of the Bravest Fencer
Random Stream Notes
Beat, Fanboymaster, Jeanie, Caliscrub are here at the start. Kishi is on their way! At the very least, we’re gonna fight god!
“That’s our god?”
Kishi arrives for the start of our militant atheism.
“The god bug thing isn’t hot enough.”
We discuss exactly what Grahf is wearing. I feel Xenoblade Chronicles 3 eventually answered any questions about what we are supposed to be looking at.
BEAT sees Chu-Chu crucified live for the first time. Why would that puffball even inflate for that?
Look, this game was translated by Richard Honeywood sleeping under a desk. Please excuse any typos from Wiseman.
“It not only has two heads…
It has two torsos.”
“I’m Gyro Man.” “Here’s five dollars, please give me a sandwich.”
Let’s talk about the most expensive brisket Caliscrub has ever seen.
Please enjoy the great blue vs purple debate over Miang/Elly’s hair color. I’m with purple.
“That frog’s not a pervert.”
“I’m really proud of Fei for remembering who Rico is.”
There is a lot going on in flashbacks here. So, naturally, we discuss whether Fei smells bad.
Dan’s forehead is back! Hooray!
“What do I do to get that motorcycle?” “You pay twenty dollars, little Timmy.”
All the xeno-heads are “excited” for Fei’s imaginary journey through his subconscious. Buckle up!
Lacan is Grahf who is also Fei who is also Wise Man who is also Khan. You get all that?
Jeanie realizes how Xenoblade is related to Xenogears. Go fig!
“So how do I use the Zohar to mine for bitcoin?”
Let us always remember to store data in our introns. … Wait, that is a real part of DNA!?
If you want our first discussion on how the ending sucks, here it is after checking out Fei’s introns. To be clear: the ending as an ending isn’t bad, it is just that literally the entire world is dead.
Nikolai Balthasar was a brilliant scientist from Shevat who was kidnapped and forced into creating Gears for the nefarious Solaris. Solaris was dead set on creating the most advanced mechs on the planet, and Nikolai’s genius in the field of neurological research was unrivaled. With his coerced assistance, Solaris was able to produce inhumane Gears that “swallowed” a person and their consciousness whole, creating a Gear without lag or human error. And, in the end, after losing his wife and life to Solaris, Nikolai became an unwilling victim of his own creation, and was bonded to the Gear Achtzehn.
Achtzehn was a formidable beast of a Gear. Fused with a Nikolai who seemed to lose all empathy for humanity, it was a monster set to destroy the whole of Nikolai’s former home. Fei and his friends stood up to Achtzehn, but it utilized an Anti-Gear Psycho Jammer that disabled all Gears controlled by traditional pilots. This left Maria, Nikolai’s daughter, and the Gear he had created for her, Seibzehn, the only Gears that could stand against this massive threat.
Oh, and there was Chu-Chu, too.
The scripture is… okay… A host of theologians have all but deemed this portion of “history” as… apocryphal. If taken literally, one is to believe that before humanity was ever on this world, there were creatures known as Dotesque Chu-Chupolin. These beings were intelligent, had their own culture, lived in the woods, and, most importantly, were larger than houses. However, those wily so and sos at Solaris found them to be a (gigantic) nuisance, so they installed limiters on the chus, causing them to shrink down to stuffed-animal size. But apparently Fei’s dad (?) was a researcher on these creatures, and he escaped with some chus (?) that had their limiters removed (?), and one of these chus became the companion/pet (?) of Margie. Margie was in Shevat when Achtzehn attacked, and this “Chu-Chu” grew to enormous size to fight alongside Maria.
And, look, despite how many artists love depicting a giant, pink puffball hanging on the cross, you do not need to believe in the “literal” history of the Chu-Chu to understand the parable here. Chu-Chu was little more than a teddy bear, and Maria was a traumatized teenager of barely 13 (standing in the shadow of a queen that was supposedly 522). They both banded together and repelled a man who had grown into a scientist that could no longer distinguish friend from foe. The “wise, learned man” was defeated by the meekest and most inexperienced defenders around. Whether Chu-Chu could become titanic is immaterial to the fact that this creature somehow assisted in saving people. It is meant to draw a metaphoric parallel between those that think they cannot succeed, and a similarly unsophisticated organism saving the day.
Chu-Chu and Maria worked together to be the heroes of Shevat. You can be a hero, too. That’s the moral. You do not need a mammoth rabbit-mouse thing to reinforce that concept.
Even Worse Streams presents Xenogears
Night 10
Original Stream Night: April 6, 2021
Night of Quistis Trepe