Tag Archives: xbox 360

FGC #430 Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

GRAPHICS!When I am a wistful old man (estimated arrival date: twelve minutes from now) I will tell my children and grandchildren and whatever poor ragamuffin is forced to mow my lawn about my younger days. I will speak of the birth of the internet as we know it (or knew it). I will speak of LiveJournal. I will speak of Mario and Link and Sonic and Bubsy. I will speak of all things that remind me of my youth, my better days, the days when I thought anything was possible. The days when I was not hardened to this uncaring world, and I believed, yes, truly believed that we were heading toward a future that accommodated my generation and me, and that, finally, people who grew up saving princesses and reassembling triforces were coming into the sort of power I had only seen possessed by my parents and their parents before them. I was young, young man, and I believed the world would soon be my oyster.

And what fueled that misguided belief? Scott Pilgrim, and the world of merchandise that accompanied its brief stay at the top.

This paragraph is really going to make me wish I learned how to properly distinguish a character and a title… Okay, for anybody here that is just hearing about Scott Pilgrim for the first time (hi, lawn ragamuffin), Scott Pilgrim was a series of six graphic novels drawn and written by Bryan Lee O’Malley. It chronicled the story of the titular Scott Pilgrim, a dude who is aimlessly frittering away his 20s, but meets the literal woman of his dreams at a party. Said woman, Ramona, unfortunately has a history containing seven evil exes, and now Scott Pilgrim must win his lady love’s heart by defeating her entire dating history. In the end, the story becomes one about growing up and learning that maybe you’re kind of a dingus, and the journey of defeating seven evil exes was really the friends we made along the way.

Vs the ZombiesAnd that is super important to the following statement: I love Scott Pilgrim. I love the books, I love the concept, I even love the amiable loser himself, Scott Pilgrim. At the time the story was being released, I completely identified with Scott Pilgrim. And that’s kind of horrifying! Scott Pilgrim is an affable young lad, but, as the story all but outright states on a number of occasions, he’s also a self-centered dick. He enjoys videogames, he reads comics, he plays in a rock band: just like me! He also has predatory, selfish dating habits, and thinks nothing of ditching literally everyone he knows if he thinks it serves some greater purpose of advancing one of his own relationships. Just like me! Shit. That can’t be good. But since one moral of the story is that Scott Pilgrim can learn to grow out of being Scott Pilgrim, it is likely safe to even compare yourself to Scott. Sure, I’m a straight, white male that is kind of a mess, but eventually I’m going to have my hero moment, and mature out of it. Sure! That makes sense. The alternative is, what, to be a juvenile, self-serving nitwit until you eventually become a 70 year old man that is incidentally President of the United States. That’s crazy! Scott is Canadian!

Okay, so maybe the Scott Pilgrim series is, pretty much by design, selfish. In creating a character that is the perfect encapsulation of a 20-something from my generation, BAM created a monster attached to a moral that only exists at the end of six books that took six years to be released. It is very easy in such a situation to never see that all-important character denouement, and simply focus on how Scott is cool and plays videogames and apparently hot women with fantastical weapons literally throw themselves at the guy. It is very easy to be white, male, and straight (editor’s note: that should be the entire sentence) and see Scott as less a directionless gremlin that unintentionally hurts everyone in his immediate vicinity, and much more of a champion that is involved in a simple hero’s journey that involves seven obvious evil bosses. And, yes, even if you acknowledge Scott Pilgrim to be selfish, it is rather dangerous to hang your ego on the Scott Pilgrim media empire.

But, for the summer of 2010, I did just that.

Roar!Make no mistake; I never wanted to be Scott Pilgrim. However, I already loved the Scott Pilgrim graphic novels, and the news that Scott Pilgrim would be receiving its final volume, a movie directed by Edgar Wright, and a videogame all in the same year left me fairly elated. Everything was coming up Bob!

And it’s worth noting just how amazing the film Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was to anyone that happened to be exactly me. To quote the IMDB trivia page for the movie:

“Edgar Wright obtained permission to use the famous theme song from the SNES game, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (1991), by writing a letter to Nintendo, saying that it is considered to be ‘the nursery rhyme of this generation’.”

And that about sums it up. Scott Pilgrim is a movie based on a graphic novel about a guy that plays videogames, and the film itself soaks in videogame references. And, while such a thing could be incredibly shallow in the hands of another director, Edgar Wright knew that videogames weren’t just a “thing” for a certain group of people, it was a language. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was more fluent in that language than any other cunning linguist could ever hope to be. In fact, it is nearly impossible to properly convey the level of focus involved in SPvTW. The film may have starred a crappy protagonist propelled by the most self-serving of white male fantasy plots (fight boys to win the girl!), but it may as well have been designed in a universe where only I exist.

It was stimulating, to say the least.

BAAAAAASS BAAAATTLEAnd, of course, there was the tie-in game (which, if I remember correctly, is actually what this article is about). Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was a beat ‘em up in the style of River City Ransom. And that makes perfect sense! The graphic novel distinctly references River City Ransom on numerous occasions, and, at the time, there wasn’t a River City Ransom spin-off title released every other week (anyone play that medieval themed one? No, not Dragon’s Crown). And it’s a beat ‘em up! Those are easy! Sailor Moon could do that! Couple that with gorgeous pixel art by Paul Robertson, and a criminally underrated soundtrack, and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was certainly a worthy tie-in title for a movie/graphic novel. It was by no means a perfect game (SPvTW seemed to be the modern start of the “home beat ‘em up” trend… and didn’t quite know what to do with leveling and such), but, in a world where at least one movie tie-in videogame once doomed the entire genre for a generation (Atari 2600 phone home), it was an amazingly fun way to enjoy the wave of Scott Pilgrim merchandise flowing from the all-encompassing media ocean.

But now, like the ebb and flow of that media sea, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World for Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 has gone out with the tide, never to be seen again.

Scoot over to Amazon right now, and you can search for Scott Pilgrim merchandise. You may download Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Movie, and watch it immediately. You may also order it with two-day shipping. Of course, you can also order the books in black and white and color formats, either as a set, or as individual graphic novels. The original movie soundtrack is available on vinyl. That same soundtrack is available as a CD, or a collection of MP3 downloads. Additionally, there is another soundtrack available for just the “score” of the film. On top of that, and most painfully, the soundtrack for Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game is available as a series of MP3 downloads. Then there are the usual assortments of random clothing options, and, finally, a number of Funko Pops. Available for a little over $25 is the Funko Pop! SDCC 2017 Summer Convention Exclusive Scott Pilgrim vs. The World Nega Scott Vinyl Figure. It is a Funko Pop based on a character that appears for approximately two minutes of screen time in the film. It is available for purchase. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game is not.

ORBSSPvTW was delisted from Xbox and Playstation storefronts as of January 1, 2015. The game was available for about four years, and, when Ubisoft’s license expired, it was determined it was not profitable for anyone to continue to support even the sale of the title. The game was tied to a movie that was no substantial hit, so it was simply dropped. As the game had received no physical release prior to its delisting, it then ceased to exist. The only way to play the game was to have purchased and downloaded the game sometime around 2010-2014, and then prayed for the rest of days that that hard drive never failed. For anyone else that doesn’t want to lurk around the seedier corners of the net, it’s simply gone forever, unlikely to ever return.

And, maybe, that’s about what we should expect. The summer of 2010, complete with its deluge of Scott Pilgrim merchandise, is nearly a decade gone now. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World may have been a movie specifically made only for me… but that didn’t exactly translate to substantial ticket sales (I only went twice, and I’m sorry). SPvTW may have been speaking my language… but it was an evolutionary dead-end in 2010. Avengers, Star Wars, and other “nerd” properties might be at the top of the heap right now, but their general detachment from sincerity gives this audience of one an entirely different feeling. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was an entirely singular experience. It seems only right that its accompanying game is now lost forever.

But this old man doesn’t think that’s right at all. Now get off my lawn.

FGC #430 Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

  • System: Xbox 360 and Playstation 3. Well… Once upon a time…
  • Number of players: Four! That’s the best number of players!
  • ERRORA Videogame’s Videogame: SPvTW integrates a number of references to other famous games, both great and small. Everyone likely recognizes the red dripping of Mega Man 2 in the final stage, but did you notice the wolverine beasts use Wolverine’s berserker barrage from Marvel vs. Capcom? And that dude from Clash at Demonhead is hanging out in the background. Neat!
  • A Legend with Problems: Okay, my own nostalgia for this game may have created some hyperbole that ignores a few of the issues with the title. Whoever thought that throwing items should involve the risk of being knocked down by a rebound should be ejected directly into the sun. Come to think of it, there is far too much falling down in this game. Waiting for your character to get back up is not interesting! Particularly when you’re being stun locked by the final boss! This game has some deep-rooted issues… Hey! Kind of like Scott!
  • Secret Truth of all Scott Pilgrim adaptations: Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness is the peak of literally every version of the story. I cannot understand disagreeing with this statement.
  • Choose Your Own Adventure: It is appreciated that the graphic novels, the movie, and the videogame more or less have different endings that are appropriate to their mediums. The graphic novel has much more room to breathe, so its more meditative conclusion is proper. The movie is much more manic (and takes place over a much shorter amount of time), so something more traditional is suitable. And the videogame… that’s just a videogame. Nobody wants a long ending in a videogame!
  • Speaking of the Movie: Did IMDB watch the same movie I did?
    ...panties?

    Because those plot keywords might be describing the porn parody, Scott Pildick vs. The Oral.
  • Did you know? The first Scott Pilgrim vs. The World movie script was drafted before the third graphic novel was even released. That’s planning ahead!
  • Would I play again: This is the kind of game that is great to play through for an hour or two every other year… and that’s it. I can’t bring myself to play it as often as a Mega Man title, but it is fun while doing my laundry every once in a while. Glowing laundry endorsement right there.

What’s next? Our final “forgotten” title is one that isn’t forgotten at all, but should be gutted and useless inside of a couple months. Please look forward to it! … The article! Not the gutting!

Dawwww

FGC #421 Saints Row 4

Saints!Saints Row 4 is an over-the-top videogame about a world beset by aliens, destroyed, and then rebuilt in a Matrix-esque virtual reality wherein your player avatar, The President of the United States, is granted amazing super powers in an effort to eventually conquer the alien threat and conquer all of time so as to save the human race.

So let’s spend this article talking about urban planning.

Wait, sorry, I have been informed that it is moderately possible to stay on topic while addressing this blatantly boring matter, so we may as well give that a try. Take two…

Saints Row 2 was an amazing little chunk of a game. After Saints Row was reviewed as “like Grand Theft Auto, but we forgot to figure out the ‘but’”, Saints Row 2 shook the gaming world by being the most Grand Theft Auto-est Grand Theft Auto to ever Grand Theft Auto. That is to say, the Grand Theft Auto from before Rockstar decided to smother any fun in the franchise by sticking its head so far up its own butt that no excitement could ever escape this airtight asszone. And it wasn’t just about a completely bonkers plot that may or may not have contained covering sections of the city in raw sewage! No, Saints Row 2 took the customization features of San Andreas and dialed them up to eleven. So many options! So much clothing! Hell, they had to build an entire mall to house all those shopping choices!

And, in my humble opinion, that mall might be the best part of Saints Row 2.

WeeeeeYes, it’s just one silly area. Yes, it’s an area that probably ultimately only exists for one set piece mission that involves a shootout in a mall (that seems less funny in 2018). And, yes, I might just like it because I have a weird inclination toward hanging out at any mall, virtual ones included. But whatever the original reason for that lil’ shopping center, it is one of my favorite spots, and a significant reason for this is simple: it’s a place. It is somewhere in the Saints Row 2 city that you can actually go. It’s not just another empty, set-dressing building. It’s a real location, and, even if there is an obvious “now loading” parking garage or elevator, it still feels like an organic piece of the city. It’s not just a place to customize your trench coat, it’s a place, and it makes the world of Saints Row 2 feel that much more real.

And, like in our blighted present, you can never go to the mall again. Saints Row 3 dropped not only the mall, but seemingly the entire concept of going inside a big, open building.

And, let’s not kid ourselves, people noticed. I noticed. Saints Row 3 was an amazing game, but almost everyone seemed to recognize that its base city was somehow… less. There were more exciting cutscenes, set pieces, and the occasional reason to deploy a parachute after leaping from your hover-bike, but there weren’t any malls. There weren’t any places that made the SR3 city feel like a real place; simply stores that were singular rooms, and the occasional “level area” that felt very much like a Hyrulian dungeon. The Saints Row 3 city was a shell of the former glory of the series, particularly at a time when other franchises seemed to be moving forward with more immersive worlds.

And then Saints Row 4 effectively told the world that that was good enough, and outright reused the “old” city of Saints Row 3. New game, old city. Party foul, Volition, directors of Saints Row 4. You destroyed half the fun of an open world game before I even opened the box.

Tanks for the memoriesOf course, anyone familiar with the franchise or its producers knows the truth of the matter. In short, without reusing assets to an absurd degree, there literally would be no Saints Row 4. And that would be a major loss for the universe! Saints Row 4 is an irrational amount of fun, predominantly because it takes the typical, mundane world of Saints Row 3 (well, as mundane as any world with Mayor Burt Reynolds could be) and adds super powers. Run like The Flash, fly like Superman, and telekinetically whip some cars around like Matthew Malloy (like you can’t use Wikipedia). When you were previously tethered to finding a conveniently unlocked car every seventeen seconds, being able to Hulk jump straight out of a lake and onto a building is a bit of a game changer, and truly makes Saints Row 4 its own experience. The wisdom of Solomon is telling me you don’t need a new city when you’ve got the speed of Mercury.

But you know what? Let’s stop trying to justify the loss of a new city, and acknowledge that Steelport, the official city of Saints Row 3 & 4, is actually pretty great.

Consider the number one complaint about modern open world games: there’s nothing to do. From Breath of the Wild to Skyrim to Dragon’s… Dogma? Age? Something like that… For all of those worlds, it seems the number one complaint is that there’s a crazy, humungous world to explore, but nothing to do. And that makes perfect sense, as any neighborhood where every dungeon and dragon is squished together is going to feel a bit claustrophobic. If your horse doesn’t have anywhere to run around, everywhere is going to feel like Hyrule Field, and then you may as well just be playing an N64 game. A big world needs the option to feel boring, because wide open spaces are practically a requirement.

WeeeeeeeBut all of the open world games named a moment ago are fantasy-based worlds. An empty field feels natural in Final Fantasy or Elder Scrolls because “the wilds of the frontier” are practically built into the genre. That’s not going to fly in an urban environment, because, come on, when was the last time you saw seven inches of a city uninhabited by anything. In New York City, I saw a landlord-tenant dispute over a sleeping bag. This means that, assuming you want your sandbox city to be remotely realistic, it’s time to populate every millimeter of the place with something. There are no nice rocks or fields of tumbleweed in Grand Theft Auto or Saints Row; no, every bit of the city has to have a building or fountain or maybe just a spot where some dude carrying a dildo spawns. You need something, otherwise the world is going to look unfinished.

And then there’s the form and function factor. This is a proper videogame, not some manner of Endless Ocean nonsense, so there are missions. Missions require venues, so of course robbing the bank or destroying the alien antennae needs a spot to be marked on the map. So that means you have to build a bank or an antennae. And they can’t be next to each other! No! There must be some space between them. And there’s a car chase at the tail end of the mission? Wow, better design the streets around that for some interesting twists and turns. Don’t forget to add a fruit cart! Now multiply that kind of thinking by about, what, twenty? To account for all the story missions? And how many optional missions are there? How many street races, ragdoll showcases, and gang fights have to be included? And what do you do when missions start running into missions? It’s not like every section of the city is walled off entirely; you need to account for jobs that will use the same highways and byways. Everything has to fit together, and I don’t have to remind any artists out there how difficult it can be when you have to change just one thing, and are then forced to change every damn thing around it. Smoothing out one road might change the entire shape of the city!

Just thinking about it gets me exhausted.

Take a lookBut this is the strength of Steelport. With a limited number of changes, the same city was used for two different games brimming with content. And that’s amazing! Considering that Saints Row 3 and Saints Row 4 have dramatically different movement options available (a tank is not the same as Supergirl speed), the fact that the same city can be used at all is a minor miracle. And once you factor in all the missions across both games, well, it seems a little silly to be worried about the loss of a few open buildings. Yes, you might not have the same “lived-in” feeling of Saints Row 2, but SR3 and SR4 both use their shared city to do their jobs incredibly well. If you can use the same city to stage a noir-ish gang war story of betrayal and luchadores in the same place as a sci-fi epic featuring aliens and Agent Smith, then you’re clearly doing something right.

There’s nothing lazy about building something to last, and there’s nothing indolent about Steelport. This is how you reuse assets: by building something amazing and adaptable right from the beginning, and showcasing that remarkable flexibility. Here’s to the city planners of Steelport, because they know how to shape a city for the ages.

Though I do still miss the mall…

FGC #421 Saints Row 4

  • System: Available on PC, Playstation 3, Xbox 360, Playstation 4, and Xbox One. The Gat Out of Hell expansion (/entirely new game) came out at just the right time to boot this one up to the current gen consoles.
  • Number of players: Like SR3, this one has multiplayer that I have literally never tried. Let’s assume it’s good!
  • Favorite Weapon: There is a gun that inflates people’s heads. While I would like the ability to randomly inflate other body parts (I would very much like someone to explode thanks to unreasonably swollen calves), I can’t say no to N64-style body morphing.
  • OuchiePresident for a Day: It impacts practically nothing, but this title begins with your protagonist as President of the United States. I would personally like to play more adventures where you’re a Super Hero President… but then I start thinking about how my ideal game is Dynasty Warriors: Oops All Presidents, and how much it would kick ass to take out hordes of enemies with an extremely over-leveled William Howard Taft.
  • So, did you beat it? Yes. This is one of the few titles I actually completely Platinum’ed. I would be more proud of that if it didn’t involve rubberbanding a controller so I could fly around on a hover bike for an hour…
  • Did you know? This game canonizes the “Saints Row 1 model” character as a virtual reality created “boss” during one mission. This means that, without a doubt, if your protagonist is female in Saints Row 4, she’s trans, and not just implied to “look different” like in Saints Row 2. I think this means we have exactly one videogame franchise with a potentially trans hero. Progress!
  • Would I play again: Absolutely. I intended to play through Saints Row 4 on PS4 for this review, even… but it’s a long game! And I have a 100% save file right there on PS3! And I like running around like an invincible idiot! It happens!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Captain Commando! Caaaaaaptain Commaaaaaando! Or… maybe I’m thinking of something else…. No matter! Please look forward to it!

Where did it all go?

FGC #416 Bioshock Infinite

Note: This article does contain spoilers for Bioshock Infinite. You have been warned!

BIOSHOCKIN'Bioshock Infinite is god damn terrifying videogame. And it’s even more terrifying that no one identifies it as such.

Let’s hit the basics before we get into the abject horror. Bioshock Infinite is a story-based first person shooter from the creators of Bio/System Shock. As such, it is a ludicrously complicated videogame from multiple perspectives. Combat is conceptually simple (shoot man in head, move on, shoot other man in head) but multiple weapons of a mundane (all of the guns, forever) and magical (“Look, pa, I can shoot lightning”) nature allow for an amazing number of options. Is there water on the ground for conducting electricity? How about some nice, flammable oil? And is this a situation that would better warrant a sniper scope, or a shotgun? Or screw all those options to the sticking place, and ride some sky rails to channel death-from-above action. In a genre that often panders to the lowest common denominator with boring hallways and tedious, linearly graduating weaponry, Bioshock Infinite’s wide open Columbia and all the options it affords are a godsend.

But, as great as the gameplay is in Bioshock Infinite, memories of BI are not of battling crow cultists or the occasional ghost mom; no, Bioshock Infinite, like its Bioshock brothers before it, is all about the story. In this case, we have the tale of Booker DeWitt…

FGC #405 Duck Dynasty

WeeeeeA couple of weeks ago, Random ROB rolled up with Duck Dynasty for the Xbox 360. DD had been a game I purchased some time ago, as it was being sold as a special edition that came with a “free” duck call, bandana, and “bonus” trivia game. And the whole package was ten bucks. However, I had never played the game, and was at a loss as to how to approach the duckest of dynasties. Finally, it occurred to me that, like a fine wine, I should share that uncorking with friends, and, thus it was time to savor the screams of the innocent.

Please enjoy this stream of BEAT, Fanboy Master, Morning Song, muteki, and myself… surviving Duck Dynasty for the Xbox 360.

Notes! With Time Annotations!

0:00 – As all things must, we begin with a dramatic reading of Ozymandias.

4:35 – Our guests for the evening discover, for the first time, what we will be playing for the next two hours. I have never heard so much groaning.

10:00 – Morning Song correctly identifies the fact that Oldest Duck Dynasty has apparently been glued to a cup. Random Blue Cup quickly becomes our favorite character.

16:00 – BEAT shall be credited for coining “Duck Duck Revolution”, as every duck call appears to be a quick time event. So far, it is simply our job to summon ducks, and watch helplessly as they are gunned down en masse.

21:00 – muteki joins the stream as I battle some surprisingly agile bottles. Aiming in Duck Dynasty is as easy as pressing a button, so we basically have a superhero on our hands.

22:30 – BEAT offers a reading of The Ballad of Malone Duck, a story from my childhood. Because Twitter is a capricious beast, here is a transcribed version of the story:

So my dad used to have a neighbor named Malone. Malone was a widow by the time he was living next to my dad, and Malone was also batshit crazy. He once got drunk and lit his lawn ablaze, claiming that it was the best way to maintain the grass. So it goes without saying that Malone was also just an angry, angry man. He was pretty much every stereotype of “stay off my lawn” you’ve ever imagined. So one day, when my dad encountered a duck that was similarly angry, he named the duck, “Malone Duck”.

WeeeeeWe live in an area where ducks are seasonal, and also very territorial. The spot across from my grandmother’s home used to be marshland, and a flock of ducks returned every year. Among those ducks, every year, was Malone Duck. Malone Duck would be a dick to everybody. The rest of the ducks would just be chilling, and Malone Duck would swagger up, and start yelling at everybody. Humans? Cars? Dogs? Malone Duck was not having any of this. So, my dad, clearly a very sane individual, would occasionally yell back at Malone Duck, and, naturally, call him by name. The neighbors must have gotten a kick out of it, because it wasn’t too long before literally everyone in the area was talking about/to Malone Duck.

This was around when my dad was in his 30s, and, also, generally, around when I was born. Part of the reason my dad was yelling at Malone Duck was because he had a kid randomly sleeping at his grandma’s, and, come on, duck, that baby wants to get some sleep.

A few years later, I was maybe 4? 5? How old do you have to be to be playing in front of your grandma’s house fairly unattended? Somewhere in there. I’m a pretty young kid, and naturally, fascinated by these ducks across the street. So my grandmother, who was a very nice old lady who generally ignored everyone around her, decided to accompany me across the street to feed the ducks. This could have been something from a Rockwell painting. … Could have been… But, also given the vibe of this story, this could be the explanation of why I have only nine fingers. No, it wasn’t that bad, because some neighbors noticed the old lady and small child across the street, and dashed out shouting, “No! Don’t go over there! Malone is out!” My grandmother had completely missed my father’s long running feud with a duck, and assumed the crazy neighbor from years ago was out there, maybe burning the lawn again, and her panic response kicked in, so she decided to “calmly” escort her grandson back home. Unfortunately, this enraged Malone Duck, who decided it was time to clean house. If you can picture a grandmother who hadn’t run in thirty years and her very confused So much camograndson attempting to outpace a deranged duck, you have the right of the situation. But, thank God, Malone Duck did not understand doors, and he waddled back to his home.

Later, my parents came to pick me up from gramma’s, and my grandmother relayed the basics of our afternoon adventure. My father’s response was simple: “Oh. You met Malone? That duck is a jerk.”

So that’s why I don’t trust waterfowl.

33:15 – We all take a moment to acknowledge the terrible, terrible models on display in this game.

42:00 – The virtues of Morning Song’s dad’s abacus are discussed while I am forced to repel squirrels. Also, Fanboy Master makes mention of the official explanation for Final Fantasy 8’s SeeD acronym. It’s exactly as crazy as he describes.

ELEGANT MAN

49:30 – And here’s about where I’m forced to commit beaver genocide. I have no idea what the Duck Dynasties have against beavers, but shooting a swarm of good boys leads to the most tension this game could ever produce. Also, Morning Song speaks bird, which is pretty cool.

55:40 – I can walk on water. That seems pretty handy!

1:00:00 – Who doesn’t like fishing minigames? Aside from everyone ever? Commentator extraordinaire, Metal Man Master, mentions that apparently our player avatar is a real person in the Duck Dynasty canon. Who knew?

1:10:00 – Other terrible games are discussed, and I start shoving the Ducky Dynasties around with a car. I am downright amazed the programmers didn’t account for the player attempting to flatten these guys, as it is literally all I could think about an hour into this adventure.

Weeeee1:17:00 – And it took this long to get back to duck hunting, ostensibly the point of Duck Dynasty. Or maybe it isn’t? I’m not going to do any research on this. However, FBM does mention Duck Amuck for Nintendo DS by Wayforward, and I want to investigate that further.

1:27:00 – The return of the King (Cup)!

1:38:00 – If we hadn’t been completely ignoring the “story” of Duck Dynasty story mode, we might know more, but, lost on Duck Dynasty Property, the goals of our poor, beardless hero are discussed. Maybe he’s an Eagle Scout? Who hates beavers?

1:47:00 – This video would be longer, but we’re all pretty much dead already. Guess we’ll never know if more squirrels need to be assassinated.

1:49:00 – As we near the finale (which is just me turning it off), we discuss Cromartie High School, one of the best, funniest animes available. The joke I was trying desperately to remember was, “Milk is the main ingredient in yogurt, true or false?”

And that’s a Duck Dynasty, folks! Thanks again to everything that participated, and to viewers like you! Or something!

FGC #405 Duck Dynasty

  • System: Xbox 360 for the stream, but it was also apparently available for Xbox One, PC, Playstation 3, and Playstation 4. There’s also a 3DS version, and I really want to see more of that.
  • Number of players: The box says it is two players, but I saw no real evidence of that. Story mode certainly isn’t two players! And I’m not subjecting another friend to such a thing!
  • More gameplay: Since I’m looking at the box anyway, apparently we squandered another avenue of adventure. “Sneak around the warehouse to trick Willie” is a bullet point that was apparently meant to sell this game, so sorry I missed that.
  • Hate youUncensored: It was mentioned on the stream that the rivers could not run red with the blood of fallen beavers because that would warrant a more intense ESRB rating, but the game is apparently rated T for Teen. This sounds like a duck conspiracy.
  • Favorite Duck Dynasty: It’s the cup. Duck Cup o’ Skittles.
  • Did you know? Apparently the whole “we hate beavers” thing is a running gag on the actual Duck Dynasty show. In one hilarious episode, one Ducky Dynasty leaves a dead beaver in the sink of another Duck Dynasty. I can’t imagine why I never watched this show!
  • Would I play again: Honestly, this game wasn’t as terrible as I had expected. It was still pretty bad, and I don’t want to play it ever again. But at least it was an interesting and playable kind of terrible. One star out of five, but that isn’t zero!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Beyond the Beyond for the Playstation.

Fuck.