Tag Archives: trump

FGC #416 Bioshock Infinite

Note: This article does contain spoilers for Bioshock Infinite. You have been warned!

BIOSHOCKIN'Bioshock Infinite is god damn terrifying videogame. And it’s even more terrifying that no one identifies it as such.

Let’s hit the basics before we get into the abject horror. Bioshock Infinite is a story-based first person shooter from the creators of Bio/System Shock. As such, it is a ludicrously complicated videogame from multiple perspectives. Combat is conceptually simple (shoot man in head, move on, shoot other man in head) but multiple weapons of a mundane (all of the guns, forever) and magical (“Look, pa, I can shoot lightning”) nature allow for an amazing number of options. Is there water on the ground for conducting electricity? How about some nice, flammable oil? And is this a situation that would better warrant a sniper scope, or a shotgun? Or screw all those options to the sticking place, and ride some sky rails to channel death-from-above action. In a genre that often panders to the lowest common denominator with boring hallways and tedious, linearly graduating weaponry, Bioshock Infinite’s wide open Columbia and all the options it affords are a godsend.

But, as great as the gameplay is in Bioshock Infinite, memories of BI are not of battling crow cultists or the occasional ghost mom; no, Bioshock Infinite, like its Bioshock brothers before it, is all about the story. In this case, we have the tale of Booker DeWitt…

FGC #411 Clayfighter 63⅓ & Clayfighter Sculptor’s Cut

Whack 'em Smack 'emRacism works best when it’s not identified as racism.

On random occasions, I get the impulse to watch some television show that I remember liking, but haven’t seen in years. First of all: please never do this. Learn from my mistakes! On nearly every occasion, revisiting some old piece of television media is a terrible idea, particularly if we’re dealing with a comedy. Unfortunately for sitcoms (but fortunately for society), the overall “sense of humor” of the nation evolves with time, and, well, I’m not certain how much homophobia we can still tolerate from an episode of The Chevy Chase Show. And, while that relegates a surprisingly high number of 80s movies to the trash, it’s for the best, as there’s always going to be a new, modern Revenge of the Nerds anyway. So please look forward to Ready Player One: Part 2: The Legend of Wade’s Gold, coming spring of 2021!

But, despite the fact that I know this always ends in tears, I recently decided to rewatch the 2004-2007 Comedy Central animated series Drawn Together. For anyone that has never had the pleasure, Drawn Together was a parody of reality shows of the era (then dominating the airwaves… or at least had dominated the airwaves at some point), but with the twist that it was entirely animated, and populated with parodies of “real” cartoon characters. For example, Captain Hero was a Superman analogue, and Princess Clara could have been any Disney princess. And the “reality” twist is that all of these whacky cartoons are very “out of character” when they’re off the clock, so that previously mentioned princess is actually bigoted as hell. Or maybe that’s completely natural? I don’t really know any royalty that can speak to birds, so I’m not certain if that is a common trait. Regardless, I liked the show when it was airing after South Park during my college years, as I was a dedicated intellectual who incidentally liked watching cartoons fart. And there’s a pig named Spanky! That’s gonna lead to so many farts!

What is even happening here?But, as you’ve no doubt guessed from the tone of this article, my rewatch of Drawn Together was infested with an uneasy feeling of… there’s probably a German word for this… the inescapable realization that a piece of media was intended for one tiny subset of the population, and you only ever enjoyed it because you were that exact target audience. In this case, Drawn Together was aimed squarely at white, heterosexual, Christian-but-not-preachy-Christian, average-build men. Everybody else? Good news! You’re the butt of every other joke. And, past about the third episode, you’re literally the only “plot” the show has left. Sure, Drawn Together does the South Park thing of claiming they support both sides, but, even after an episode where Xander (Legend of Zelda’s Link analogue) finally comes out as gay, and is celebrated for it, the next half hour is still going to make a running gag out of the pig “accidentally” making out with the yellow thing. And then that joke will be repeated for the rest of the series. Forever.

But it all comes to a head around midway through the second season, when Drawn Together, in an overly labored-meta gag, gets an F-rated review from Entertainment Weekly. So, in an act of defiance, the Drawn Together cast storms the offices of Entertainment Weekly, incidentally kills most of the staff, and then discovers that the reviewer is a “Jewish Conservative Pro Life Born Again Overweight Asian Indian Homophobic Lesbian Broad Who Cuts Herself”. She is told she’s “not the target audience”, and Spanky Ham makes an impassioned speech about how she has no right to review the show, as it’s “not for her”.

That’s about when I threw up in my mouth.

Flick it goodToday’s game is another beloved title from my younger years, Clayfighter 63⅓. I was enamored of Clayfighter 63⅓ back in the day, because it was one of approximately five “funny” videogames that had been released in the span of about twenty years. Excuse me, I should be more precise about that fact: it was one of the few humorous games that had been released on a console since the dawn of the NES. I was never a PC gamer, but, with the wisdom of the future (and DOS emulation), I am now aware that all the videogame humor in the universe had huddled together for warmth on the personal computer. Regardless, as a young nerd that had already dedicated myself to memorizing Monty Python routines, the idea of a parody fighting game was right up my alley, and it didn’t hurt that this was a unique bit of software for the content-hungry N64. Nintendo Power told me this would be cool! And, honestly, advertising and expectations aside, I did enjoy Clayfighter 63⅓. It was a decent (if generally shallow) fighting game, and it was certainly funny. There’s Santa Claus! But he’s fat! And Boogerman! And Earthworm Jim! And a rabbit that talks like Arnold Schwarzenegger! And fighters were constantly quipping! And the announcer was continually mocking your combo chains (“Little girly combo”)! As a fan of fighting games and humor, this hole was made for me.

Or at least the “me” I once was.

So racistIt’s easy for a white guy to be a bigot. Once, I looked at the roster of Clayfighter 63⅓, and saw a whacky cast of characters. Now I see that there is one brown skinned character, and he just happens to be a voodoo priest with a terrible dental plan. There is one Asian character, and he’s got buckteeth and a propensity for confusing Chinese takeout for kung fu. And you’d have to wait for Sculptor’s Cut, the title’s second (and final) edition, to get a single woman in the cast. But that version also wound up including a trio of “native” cannibal children, so… uh… probably not a net gain there. And Sculptor’s Cut also granted everyone win quotes, so, if you weren’t already getting the point here, Kung Pow can ask you “Would you rike soy sauce with that?”

And it bothers me that this didn’t always bother me.

But I keep coming back to that “you’re not the target audience” crack from Drawn Together. When I was a teenager playing Clayfighter 63⅓, I didn’t think of myself as some “target audience”. I was playing a videogame that, like every other game I ever played, was nothing more than a videogame. I could play Clayfighter as easily as Mario 64 or Ocarina of Time, and I never considered that certain videogames might not be intended for certain people. I didn’t consider that the majority of my digital heroes were white males (even when they were robots), I just thought that was “normal”. If you’re going to save the (white) princess, you’re going to be a white guy, right? Nothing about that seemed wrong or even unusual, so the corollaries seemed perfectly natural, too. Asian characters were sumo wrestlers or kung fu masters, because that’s the way it should be. If you’re African, you’re a sidekick or the second player (or both), not a hero. If you’re a woman, you’re certainly a minority in the cast, because it’s not normal for women to fight or save the world. Hell, in most versions of Street Fighter 2, there are exactly as many women in the cast as there are electric, green-skinned monsters. But I’m moderately certain Brazilian beasts don’t comprise over half the population in actual reality!

And when racism is normal, then it doesn’t even look like racism. It looks like… Clayfighter 63⅓.

GrossClayfighter 63⅓ isn’t a klan meeting. It isn’t constantly hurling racial slurs like your average youtube personality. Clayfighter 63⅓ does not overtly support Donald Trump. But what Clayfighter 63⅓ does is normalize its not-at-all unique brand of racism. It feeds on the subtle prejudice of an entire “target audience”, and promotes the myth that every “other” out there is some kind of homogenous mass of defects. Oh, what’s that, Asian Dude? You’re upset that you’ve been characterized as a bad driver for having squinty eyes? Ha ha, sorry, it was just a goof, don’t worry about it, you’re not the target audience. It’s cool, you’re still good at using a wok, right? Ha ha, everybody laugh… well, except you. You wouldn’t get it, an overwhelming segment of the global population.

It wouldn’t be racist if those pesky other races didn’t want to be included in the first place, right?

Oh, wait, that’s exactly what racism is.

And we should never forget that.

FGC #411 Clayfighter 63⅓ & Clayfighter Sculptor’s Cut

  • System: N64. This title was originally planned for the Playstation (1), too, but one would assume Nintendo tossed some cash at Interplay for the highly sought after clayophiliac demographic.
  • Number of players: Laugh along with exactly one (1) other friend. Make sure he’s white.
  • Slap 'emVersion-o-Call: Clayfighter 63⅓ is clearly a rushed product, and doesn’t include a healthy number of characters that were originally advertised to appear in the title. Heck, the in-game story distinctly mentions Dr. Kiln losing a hand that grows and becomes sentient, and that severed appendage is nowhere to be found. Sculptor’s Cut filled in the blanks on the majority of those forgotten fighters… but was only released as a Blockbuster Video exclusive. This made the title insanely hard to find, and is currently one of the most valuable N64 games in existence. However, this does not make either version particularly good.
  • Just say the gig, man: For a forgotten N64 game, this title features an all-star cast. Dan Castellaneta (The Simpsons) voices Earthworm Jim and Boogerman, Frank Welker (every cartoon ever) is Ickybod Clay and Blob, and Jim Cummings (Taz, Tigger, and Robotnik) is Mr. Frosty and Houngan. Yakko, Wacko, and Dot are all in the cast, too, which includes Taffy played by Tress MacNeille, who was also once the voice of Gadget Hackwrench. This would be goddamn amazing if anyone other than me gave a damn about voice acting as an art form.
  • Favorite Character: Across all Clayfighter titles, I’m fond of Blob, the green pile of clay that can morph into pretty much any form. He really displays how a “morphing” based fighting game can go wild with the creativity without relying on tired stereotypes about snowmen.
  • End an Argument: The next time the creator of Earthworm Jim decides to spout some nonsense opinions…

    SANTA NO!

    … Remind him that EWJ once appeared in a game where he could be butt-swallowed and crapped out by an overweight holiday icon.

  • Did you know? The box for Sculptor’s Cut touts “Make it a Blockbuster fight!” This was a parody of Blockbuster Video’s slogan “Make it a Blockbuster night.” Also, Blockbuster Video was a primitive, building-based business that allowed a person to rent videos for a limited period of time. Also, videos were disc or cassette-based objects on which…
  • Would I play again: I am fond of the Clayfighter series, and would like to see the franchise return. That said, I can barely play five minutes of this title without cringing, so that’s probably not going to happen again.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Metroid Other M for the Nintendo Wii! Oh boy, that’s like the best Metroid title ever! Right? … Right? Please look forward to it!

FGC #386 Oscar’s Trash Race

Trash!And now for a peek behind the curtain at the many rejected ideas for how to approach Oscar’s Trash Race.

This is a counting game: Try to determine if readers can actually count.
Rejected: This site is based on numbers going up, readers obviously can deal with high numbers.

This is a game starring Oscar the Grouch, write an entire article while “grumpy”.
Rejected: That one cat has grumpy covered for the entire internet for years.

This is a game starring Oscar the Grouch, your favorite muppet, talk about that.
Rejected: The world doesn’t need to know about my various grouch-based fandoms.

This is a game based on Sesame Street, talk about Sesame Street, the children’s television show.
Rejected: Your humble author has incredibly vague memories of ever watching Sesame Street, predominantly because my recollection as a toddler is a bit sketchy. There is also a general feeling that any other writer on Earth could write a more loving and carefully researched article on Sesame Street, particularly in comparison to that love letter to Voltron.

Trash!This is a game based on Sesame Street, talk about your first beloved portable videogame system: The Cookie Counter.
Rejected: It was a basic calculator with a built in game of Juggler. I think I loved that device more than some of my childhood pets. And, God, I am never going to admit to that in public. It was a calculator! I don’t own enough pocket protectors to confess to that kind of embarrassment.

This is a game based on Sesame Street, talk about going to Sesame Place as a kid.
Rejected: Nobody ever wants to hear stories about other people’s vacations. Or day trips. Or whatever it was when I got my cousin to throw up in the water park, and it was the funniest thing a five year old had ever done.

This is a game based on Sesame Street, talk about the way public broadcasting allows for a universal, pre-school sharing of culture and ideas that allows for greater socialization for both kids and adults.
Rejected: Pretty sure I’ve covered the concept of shared experiences already by claiming we are a generation raised by the good lord Hasbro. Big Bird is nothing before The Primes.

This is a game based on Sesame Street, talk about another PBS star, Mr. Rogers, and reveal the secret about Mr. Rogers that no one must ever know.
Rejected: No one must ever know.

This is a game based on Sesame Street, talk about how Public Broadcasting is important for education across economical classes, and it is currently in danger thanks to our government.
Rejected: Again, there are those that can write so much more eloquently on the subject of PBS being important, and probably wouldn’t have their Ice Climbers fanfic thrown back in their face in an act of proving that all education is moot.

Hey, speaking of the current state of our government, this game is called Oscar’s Trash Race. Why not compare the current state of politics to a “trash race”?
Rejected: A little too “how about those clowns in congress”.

Oh, come on, you could easily compile a list of Trump’s actions since his campaign started, combine it with all those times he said and did the complete opposite while holding the position of president (but never did whatever is the opposite of “being a racist”), and end it all with a note on how the race is still going, and we’ll probably see something even worse in less than a few hours.
Rejected: That sounds way too depressing.

So much trashAnd the Democrats! They’re doing nothing to stop anything! Just roll over and show your bellies, minority party, God forbid you do a damn thing to actively support the people that voted for you. Senator Jeff Flake, a man who has never ever voted against Trump’s interests, has more public clout as “the resistance” than the milquetoast losers helming the Democratic Party. And Sanders and Biden are apparently top contenders for 2020! Has anyone learned anything!? Maybe we don’t run a bunch of rich white people that are old enough to have personally told Martin Luther King Jr. that he was being “uppity”! This is the greatest trash race of them all!
Rejected: What did I just say about things being way too depressing!

This is a game that uses a special controller, talk about how the glut of extra peripherals was likely another reason Atari nearly killed the entire industry.
Rejected: And how the hell is the Government shutting down every other week a thing that is happening now? I don’t care that it only shut down for a couple of hours, that’s a couple of hours too many! It’s not just because we should care about government workers, we should also care about the people that are supported by and rely on government assistance. People that just want to live without fear of their lives being effectively cancelled because some tyrant with significant ties to construction companies wants to build his damn impenetrable/invisible wall!

Take it offEr-hem, this is a game that uses a special controller, talk about how the glut of extra peripherals was likely another reason Atari nearly killed the entire industry.
Rejected: Oh, right. Yes, you need a special number pad controller for this counting adventure, and that probably wasn’t the easiest thing for parents of toddlers to understand back in 1983. Heck, people still barely understood the concept of the WiiU three decades later… and I don’t want to run in that trash race, either.

Just make a post about all the possible ways this article could go, and call it a day, because this is a game that was made for toddlers, and playing it as an adult is not exactly the most thrilling thing in the world.
Rejected: That… That actually works. Approved!

FGC #386 Oscar’s Trash Race

  • System: Atari 2600. I really doubt we’ll see a mobile rerelease of this one.
  • Number of players: Two? Weren’t all Atari games two player in some way? Don’t quote me on this, I’m not a trashologist.
  • Favorite Trash: About the only interesting thing in this game is what trash the trashman drops off to placate Oscar and his apparent need to count trash before waddling forward. One of the possible dumps is a series of TVs, which, considering this was at a time when Atari still had to accommodate for black and white sets, must have been horrifying for any parents in the room. Think of the expense!
  • All trashDid you know? Then and now, I’d rather be playing Big Bird’s Egg Catch.
  • Would I play again: Only if I forget how numbers work. Oh man, I hope this isn’t some kind of ironic wish situation, and I’m in a horrible accident later today. Please, God of Horror Comics, please don’t do this to me!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… The Death and Return of Superman! Geez, title, spoilers! Please look forward to an inevitable resurrection!

Wild Arms 2 Part 22: The Final Battle! Liz and Ard and Some Other Guy Return!

Previously on Wild Arms 2: Kanon finally decided to stop trying to kill Ashley, and joined ARMS with the express purpose of eventually killing Ashley. But he’s cool with it! See? He can accept Kanon for who she is.

And now we’re investigating The Coffin of 100 Eyes, which is supposed to be a power source for Odessa’s latest scheme, but Ashley ain’t buyin’ it.

Uh-oh, looks like someone hasn’t been monitoring Lilka’s sugar intake.

I choose to believe Lilka’s previous outburst echoed down giant, empty halls for like an hour.


“One of their little traps.” Yes, Kanon, like one of those traps you used on the rest of ARMS. Twice. At least once yesterday.

“Meh, a dungeon is a dungeon. Let’s go for it…