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FGC #339 Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – Mirror of Fate

Here comes a special boyCastlevania: Lords of Shadow – Mirror of Fate is likely the most ill-advised videogame in gaming.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow was not made for sequels

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow (no additional verbage) was a Playstation 3/Xbox 360 game meant to revitalize the Castlevania franchise. Koji Igarashi held the reins of the Castlevania universe for years, and, in that time, he produced exactly one (1) decent console Castlevania. Granted, it was one of the best games of all time, but every time Iga hit the consoles again, we wound up with something… less than stellar. The PS2 outings were rote and boring, and the Wii saw a Castlevania fighting game that was maybe the most bonkers bit of plotting in an already supremely bonkers franchise (Super Mega Death traveled through time so Maria could be jealous of Sypha’s rack). None of these games presented any sort of justification for Castlevania to exist on the “next gen” consoles, and, since portables have long been considered the ghetto of gaming, Konami was understandably concerned about its Castlevania franchise. If one of your top franchises was simply languishing in the portable market, how could you ever marry said franchise to successful slot machines?

Lords of Shadow was basically a gritty reboot for an almost accidentally gritty series. You’ve got a Belmont hero, but now he’s working for a very real and very present Christian church. You’ve got your old standbys like the werewolf, succubus, and Grim Reaper, but now they all have tragic backstories with (fantasy) logical origins (if you ascend to Heaven as an immaculate being, obviously your body stays behind and becomes a vampire slut). The environs are more Lord of the Rings (popular at the time), combat is more God of War (also popular at the time), and everything is a lot more bloody (always popular). Lords of Shadow does a lot to simultaneously distinguish itself as a fresh, new look at Castlevania and be, incidentally, an experience that is fairly indistinguishable from the rest of the HD action game flock (of 2010 or so).

ScaryBut LoS did one remarkable thing: spoilers, but you were Dracula the whole time! Gasp! You were playing through the secret origins of this brand new Dracula, and now you’re the Lord of Darkness himself! And the final boss is Satan. Yes, that Satan! Dracula is kind of a good guy! Or something!

And the only problem is that that’s a neat trick, but you can only do it once.

The whole “you were the bad guy all along” thing is a great twist, but it doesn’t really lend itself to a franchise. It can work in many pieces of media, but for a videogame, you inhabit the protagonist, so the fresh new nasty boy either has to be the final boss of the next adventure (because killing off the previous protagonist in any lesser manner would be an insult to the first game), or said “villain” has to be supremely misunderstood. In fact, it seems like the Lords of Shadow staff realized this immediately, and tacked on a postlude that featured New Dracula awakening in modern times. Cool! He’ll be “misunderstood”, but Dracula in modern times is a fresh new direction for the Castlevania franchise! Maybe a sequel could work!

The sequel absolutely doesn’t work

Let's reflect on thisOkay, maybe the real sequel does actually work, but Castlevania: Chain of Memories absolutely does not.

So, first, in order for this whole game to work, we have to retcon in Gabrielle Belmont, star of Lords of Shadow, and his brand spanking new son who never got mentioned before this very moment. Okay, Gabrielle was a prophesized warrior that was incidentally being controlled by Patrick Stewart, so, sure, maybe the family bought into not telling Gabrielle “for his own good”, and, since the player exists behind Gabe’s eyes, we just weren’t privy to that information. Fine. But this also means the story has to start a maximum of twenty years (good hero’ing age) after Gabrielle became Dracula, and… is that going to work? Gabby kind of accidentally became Dracula, so is he going to settle into the whole “malevolent dictator” thing that quickly? And Lords of Shadow started in 1000 AD or so, so how does humanity even get to the modern era teased during the LoS finale if Dracula has been awake and active for the last millennium? So many questions!

But, okay, let’s move past that. Let’s just say that Dracula is simultaneously very quick to come into his powers, but very slow to actually do anything with his powers. And, hey, that’s basically the original canon, right? Oh, wait, no, there’s always a Belmont slapping down that Dracula before he can do anything. But we’ve got Belmonts here, though, right? Like, that’s the whole point of the “Gabrielle’s son” conceit, right? Sure, we’ve got (new, LoS) Trevor Belmont here, husband of Sypha, and he’s going to… Wait. Wasn’t the whole point of LoS that a Belmont became corrupted to become Dracula, so we’re not so different, you and I, and all that riot? So if we now have a whole crop of Belmonts… what was the point of this new franchise again? Castlevania, but with slightly larger trolls? I thought this was supposed to be new? This franchise really isn’t built for soldering on pieces of an already convoluted franchise. Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – Mirror of Fate is a real live person wearing a cartoon princess dress, and that’s not a good look.

Same Trick, Two Games

ALUCARDIn Lords of Shadow, Gabrielle Belmont is eventually revealed to be Dracula.

In Lords of Shadow: Mirror of Fate, Trevor Belmont is eventually revealed to be Alucard.

There. Just saved you all twenty hours of “mystery”.

“Linear” is not a dirty word

Presumably in order to build tension for that all-important Alucard reveal, Mirror of Fate is played in a sort of reverse chronology. First you play as Simon Belmont, who is being helped by a mysterious white-haired ally. Then you play as said ally, Alucard, who is fighting Dracula, but he doesn’t quite remember why. And then, finally, you play as Trevor from twenty years earlier, who is eventually defeated by Dracula in order to be revived as Alucard. It’s all very clever and cute and mysterious assuming you didn’t guess that exact twist from the first trailer. And even if you managed to go into the game fresh, you’d have to have the intelligence of a fleaman to miss all the anvilicious clues being dropped every ten seconds. And, oh yeah, if you played the first game, you’d be expecting that exact twist, and why the hell would you be interested in such a tiresome sequel if you didn’t play the first game?

It's not really a spriteAnd, frankly, it is heartbreaking that the plot seems to be stuck with this en media res nonsense, as there are a good number of characters and events along the way that really benefit from linear understanding. There is very little benefit to a new player being confused by Simon’s “mysterious ally”, but there is emotional heft to be gleamed from Simon being assisted by his cursed ancestor. The Daemon (ugh) Lord was mutilated by Trevor, and then revived by arcane science to return and menace Alucard… but when you first encounter the mechanized monster during Alucard’s story, he’s just another unrecognizable, barely threatening boss. And it sure would be nice if we weren’t saddled with yet another immortal protagonist that is suffering from amnesia just as long as the plot demands!

A linear Mirror of Fate wouldn’t have solved all of the story’s problems, but it would have made a number of the generational plot beats wildly more effective. But, no, I guess it wouldn’t be a Lords of Shadow game if the gameplay didn’t end in a shocking (not shocking) revelation.

It’s a metroidvania without the exploration

Enough about this silly plot! How’s the gameplay?

Not great, Goggle Bob.

ZZZZAAAPLords of Shadow was an attempt to turn Castlevania into a new God of War-like franchise. And it was mostly successful! But for the portable version, the decision was made to return to the metroidvania-like format of the last decade’s worth of portable Castlevania titles. This was a clever move, and an obvious way to bring lapsed Castlevania fans back into the fold. Don’t worry, old fans, this franchise is still for you! Look, here’s a platinum-haired dhampir exploring a big ol’ castle just for you.

Except… everyone involved kind of forgot how a metroidvania game works.

First of all, this adventure was doomed from the start, as the three different characters in three different stories (and 2.5 different time periods) kind of preclude the traditional “one big castle/planet” of most metroidvanias. But it could still work! Order of Ecclesia and Portrait of Ruin both had “level” like areas, so it’s not completely alien to the genre. Oh! And the “generations” thing could lead to a lot of different, fun puzzles! Break a gateway in the past to allow for entry in the future! Drain the moat as Trevor so Simon doesn’t have to take a dip! It could be a thing of beauty!

But, no, it was not to be. Mirror of Fate put an emphasis on two things: plot and battles. We’ve already covered the plot ad nauseam, but be aware that no “time travel” shenanigans are allowed when we’re telling a very serious story about seriously inept Belmonts (you just have to kill one vampire! One!). And that leaves us with the combat, which is…. kind of sad.

Moving right alongThere’s a reason that the greatest heroes of 2-D just jump. There’s a reason previous Belmonts were limited to a whip and a few subweapons. There’s a reason that even the mightiest of blue bombers are limited to a life of pew pewing. 2-D combat can only be so interesting. When you have a limited field of movement, you have a limited set of abilities, and whip/dodge/jump only gets you so far. In many Castlevania games, this is masked by a great wealth of monsters from across time and space. In this Castlevania game… not so much. Lords of Shadow seems to put a premium on combat with recurring enemies in tight corridors, but, give or take a few interesting boss battles, it feels fairly flat. And when you hang a game on something that feels perfunctory, the entire game feels kind of boring.

And, when you get down to it, that’s the problem with Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – Mirror of Fate. Everything about it winds up being tedious and predictable. And hanging a flagship franchise on a game that is that boring is… ill-advised.

FGC #339 Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – Mirror of Fate

  • System: Nintendo 3DS initially, and then an HD version was released to follow Lords of Shadow 2. This is basically the same trajectory as a certain Kingdom Hearts game, which is never a good sign.
  • Number of Players: Technically four playable characters if you include the opening tutorial, but only one player at a time.
  • Favorite Monster: The Executioner is a wonderful bit of Mirror of Fate storytelling.

    Grrrr

    He’s not just a scary giant, he’s a scary giant with brain problems. Be sad for the hulking creature chopping your protagonist in twain.

  • Absolutely Favorite Part: So this game has fall damage. That’s terrible for a metroidvania. But! The fall damage scales to the height you’ve fallen, so a falling just a little over a body’s height will cause little tiny damage. This pairs wonderfully with any given character’s blood-curdling scream o’ death, which triggers no matter how the protagonist dies. This all adds up to an unstoppable shriek of agony every time your health is low and you miss the last step on a staircase… and I can get behind that.
  • Sexual Dimorphism is a Scourge: Trevor is now the first son of Dracula and the new Alucard. Simon is a deadly barbarian that is the first Belmont to defeat Dracula (with a little help). Sypha… is an obedient and immediately dead housewife. Woo.
  • Did you know? It seriously bothers me that Trevor starts with a double jump, but Alucard, who is Trevor, has to earn the skill. It kinda bothers me how much this simple bit of gameplay bothers me.
  • Would I play again: Absolutely not. Not ever. Bah! You make-a me so mad!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Tekken 3 for the Playstation! Let’s see who can become the King of the Iron Fist after most of the cast retires! Please look forward to it!

Youch

FGC #337 Cuphead: Don’t Deal with the Devil

Sing along!Cuphead: Don’t Deal with the Devil is a videogame that was released last week (or so). It is, basically, a Contra/Gradius game with an extremely unique “old cartoons” art style. That’s it. That’s the game. Nothing revolutionary, nothing we haven’t seen before, just an old school, hard as heck game about the dangers of dealing with the devil (don’t do it).

And, somehow, I can’t toss a teacup without hitting another article about “what Cuphead means” or its greater sociological ramifications, or how difficult games are the gatekeepers of the industry, or whatever.

I’m sick of it. I just want to talk about how Cuphead is one of the best games, graphically and gameplay-wise, of 2017 (a year already chock full of amazing games). I want to say, “Dammit, look at this gorgeous nonsense. This is next gen. This is what I’ve wanted since I was five. This is all I need.”

So… uh… I may as well just say that.

Screw words, we’re just looking at GIFs today, because I’m going to bop back to this “article” every time I want to experience pure joy. Here are some random GIFs from Cuphead, boys and girls. Every single one is a delight.

Click here to download a bunch of Cuphead art directly into your brain…

FGC #323 Sneak King & Big Bumpin’

DO NOT LOOK AT THISA lot of people ask me why I bother with collecting videogames. It used to just be concerned adults/parents/mentors that claimed I had some kind of hording brain issue, but I learned to ignore those squares pretty damn quickly. Then, as time has gone by, I have learned that this question has come from the most unlikely of sources: other gamers. “Why, Goggle Bob, do you buy all these physical releases of games when digital is so much easier? You don’t even have to leave the couch! You’ve filled an entire room with these mountains and mountains of cheap plastic. Why are you doing this to yourself? We’re worried about…” etc. I’ve heard it all before, and, for anyone willing to wait for an answer, I have one response: Burger King’s Sneak King.

Okay, that might not be my only response, but it’s definitely one of ‘em!

I am hopelessly addicted to buying videogames. I know this. I have this pathological need to own any given piece of videogame history entirely because… what? I think discs are somehow going to outlive my Playstation account? In fact, I want to say the first game that ever really got me out of my “no digital” shell was Mega Man 9, but I was downright excited for the recent physical release of Mega Man Legacy Collection 2 because it meant I could finally possess a physical version of the exact same game. Never mind that I still have my “original” Mega Man 9 download transferred to my WiiU, and never mind that I bought the game again on sale on Playstation 3 because I had nothing better to do with five bucks; no, ignore all of that, because I have a disc in a case that, let’s face it, is more likely to be destroyed than an entire videogame console. But it still somehow grants me this all important illusion of permanence. So I still debate on the merits of purchasing a digital version of the latest fighting game (you know the “whole game” isn’t on the disc! They release new DLC every other week!) Dance it!and lament the lack of physical media for any digital game I love (hi, Sonic Mania). I need my totems of power, and if I don’t have a physical version, what’s the point? Playing a game for fun? Please.

But, while that is obviously a prominent psychological disease the likes of which medical science has not yet fully explained, I am aware of that problem, and I can overcome it. I have loosened my grip over the years, and I am capable of buying digital releases. Given the choice, I would prefer a physical release, but I can deal with purchasing, say, every Naruto game ever for fifteen bucks during a Playstation flash sale. I’m okay with that, because I know it isn’t a game (or franchise, whatever) that is “important” to me, so I can buy in bulk, stuff it all in the fridge, and… watch it rot.

And that’s my latest problem.

Like every other videogame hoarder (particularly those with Steam accounts), I now own about 200 downloaded titles that I have barely acknowledged (left alone actually played and beaten). This drives me absolutely insane, as sorting through these games is… not pleasant. I try to put them in appropriate folders! I try to organize my collection… but then there’s another flash sale, and I haven’t even played these games yet, so is this latest purchase a beat ‘em up or a “generic” action game? Dear God, maybe it’s an action-adventure with JRPG elements. I don’t even know what to do with that! Bah, just put it in the Dark Souls pile. And this all sounds innocuous, but when I finally feel like playing X-Men Arcade again, I have to search through not only multiple “what is that” games, but also numerous systems in an BUMP!attempt to even remember where I downloaded that game in the first place. And don’t even get me started on those downloaded “collections”, as I don’t want to be reminded that I own every 20th Century Capcom release seventeen times over.

But the real losers here are the games. I can safely say that there is not a single game in my digital collection that I bought “just because”. In all honesty, from the Narutos to the experimental shoot ‘em ups to the occasional “is like Dark Souls, but” title, every game I have ever purchased, I have purchased because something about the game appealed to me, and that’s worth a Lincoln. “Sure, I don’t have time to play this game right now, but I’ll get to it when I have a chance,” I foolishly told myself. And then it went into the pile, lost forever under a mountain of Vita titles that I’m going to transfer to the system real soon, I swear, just give me another day to clean off that memory card. I’ll get to it!

But physical games! Physical games I’ll never lose! Because they take up so much space! And my failures and impulse buys are all right there on a shelf (many, many shelves, in fact). They all stare back at me, not lost to some cavernous hard drive, but teetering on the edge, ready to collapse and inevitably crush my fragile skull beneath a deluge of SNES cartridges. I can see (right now!) every physical videogame I’ve ever purchased, including those that came with a BK Value Meal.

Sneak King is a game wherein you, as the Burger Nightmare King, sneak around teeny tiny arenas, and attempt to deliver random BK menu items without being seen. It gets old after approximately twelve seconds. Big Bumpin’ is a party game that pumped all of its resources into making really interesting and ornate bumper car arenas, but forgot to design anything approaching fun gameplay. There’s a kind of air hockey mode available that ain’t bad, but everything else is sub-Monkey Ball. Well, the air hockey is sub-Monkey Ball, too, but you don’t notice its badness quite as much as the one where the best way to play is to hide in the corner forever. Come to think of it, that technique works in a bunch of Sneak King levels, too. Maybe these games don’t actually want you to play them?

BUMP!But play them I shall! Because I have the memory of a goldfish, and actually seeing a game makes me about 1000% more likely to play the game than stowing it in the digital fridge. And, like eating some rotten Whopper from the fridge of your choice, I will barf at the sheer rancidness of this selection. It’s crap! I should know it’s crap! These are videogames that literally came with a side of fries! But I’ll play them again, because I bought a pair of plastic disc coffins, and, by God, I’m gonna play some Burger King nonsense this week!

So, in conclusion, I collect videogames because I’m a masochist. Glad we settled that.

FGC #323 Sneak King & Big Bumpin’

  • System: Technically these are supposed to be Xbox 360 games, but they’re secretly Xbox titles that are abusing the 360’s backward compatibility. Everything is a lie.
  • Number of players: Sneak King is a solo affair, Big Bumpin’ allows for up to four quickly bored players.
  • Let’s talk about fast food: When I was growing up, the only fast food in town was Burger King. Since I was a child and had the palette of a heathen, any trip to Burger King was precious. Then, when I was in high school, a McDonald’s moved in, with a Wendy’s shortly thereafter. So the Burger King went out of business, because who can compete with the cardboard-flavored hockey pucks available at Wendy’s? NummyAnd that was that. Now I have to drive like fifteen minutes if I want to eat a Whopper, which, thank goodness, rarely ever happens.
  • Favorite Sneak King Level: Why does Sneak King start in a lumber yard? Why is that the first thing someone thought would be a reasonable location for a crazy plastic king to deliver breakfast items? Is there some kind of lumberjack breakfast thing being implied here? Also: how did this game get made?
  • Favorite Big Bumpin’ Stage: I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Let’s say the blue one.
  • Did you know? There’s also a third Burger King game from this era: Burger King Pocket Bike Racer. It was not in stock when I picked up its cousins. I have never regretted that fact.
  • Would I play again: I guess? Nobody ever asks if Final Fantasy really ever happened, but that might come up with these titles. I must prove their existence to the masses!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Tiny Toon Adventures Buster’s Hidden Treasure for the Sega Genesis! I would expect the next article to be tiny, toony, and just a little loony. Please look forward to it!

What?
Don’t even ask.

FGC #319 Mega Man 6 & Mega Man 7 (Live!)

So I’ve done three streams for the site, and I haven’t actually “finished” a game in a single one. This had to be rectified, so, in order to test Discord chat, we had a live stream of Mega Man 6. And then it segued into a stream of Mega Man 7, because… why not? And then there was a little Sonic Mania, because I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to that title. It happens. Anywhere, here you go:

Notes! With Time Annotations!

3:00 – After a few adjustments, we’re ready to go. Mega Man 6 has always been one of my favorite Mega Man games, so, finally, we’re doing a stream of a game I’m actually good at playing. Our guests to start are Fanboy Master and A Turtle Does Bite.

15:00 – And then BEAT shows up! He’s drinking Victory Golden Monkey booz. Does this count as a plug? Should… should I be getting paid for this?

22:00 – At this point, I randomly start singing what I can remember from We Are Rockman, which was a Japanese song used to peddle Mega Man’s Soccer. Submitted without comment, here’s a sampling of lyrics:

You don’t have to be a president to clock mad dough (yo)
Run you own show (yo) drive a phat car (yo)
Fuck blond ho (New York)
Bro, act like you know

30:00 – We’re going to talk about centaurs now. The Penny Arcade strip mentioned, Unhorse, can be found here (https://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/05/26 ). It’s almost a decade old… and honestly, I thought it was older. Huh.

40:00 – LancerECM joins us in the text portion of the stream. Yay! Someone is watching! Oh, I think this is also whereabouts I compare Dr. Wily to confederate war general statues. They’re both bad.

50:00 – I seriously believed I was the first to propose the dual timelines theory of Bubble Bobble, but it apparently originated in a Bad Rats episode. There is nothing new under the sun.

How to live1:09:00 – And thus did Mega Man 6 end. I guess it took an hour to complete? That sounds about right. So, naturally, we talk about the ages of Street Fighters.

1:15:00 – Because I’m rather enjoying myself, we flip over to Mega Man 7, the immediate sequel to Mega Man 6. I realize this should seem obvious, but it’s not like Mega Man 6 requires a complete understanding of the rich lore of Mega Man 5.

1:19:00 – Hey everybody, it’s the first appearance of Shadow the Hedgehog Bass! Also, Muteki stops into the stream. Always room for one more.

1:37:00 – Here’s an actual videogame relevant fact: in Mega Man 7, you can’t obtain the RUSH letter and the RUSH part on the same run-through, so you either have to return to the stage later, or suicide. I choose the option that leads to a dead robot. Also, BEAT talks about streaming his wedding.

1:45:00 – I apologize, the Mighty No. 9 quote about female characters was in reference to Mighty No. 3, the electrical lady. The full quote is “This is pretty much the No. 3 design by Inafune-san himself. You can see how much he likes strong female characters.” –Kimokimo. Maybe there were secret “strong female characters” in the Mega Man franchise?

1:56:00 – I can actually hear the gameplay now, and, yes, I did successfully activate the Ghouls ‘n Ghosts music for Shade Man’s stage. Also, to prove I’m not insane, here’s Mega-Caveman:

Ook

2:09:00 – We’re mostly just talking about Sonic throughout the stream. How many chaos emeralds has Knuckles lost over the years? The world may never know.

2:15:00 – You can fight Protoman and steal his shield in Mega Man 7. For all the talk of how this game was rushed out the door, there are a lot of fun little details in this adventure.

2:23:00 – Though the “thoughtless”, rushed game design does show itself with the lack of an easy “escape module” (like in Mega Man X). Having to repeat an entire stage because you chose the wrong option on the menu is just terrible.

2:33:00 – Another day, another Wily Castle. Let’s talk about Atari landfills.

2:40:00 – Bass and Treble are known as Forte and Gospel in Japan. It’s still a basic music theme, but “Gospel” does at least make certain organizations in Mega Man Battle Network 2 sound more interesting.

I hate you2:52:00 – Nobody cares that Freeze Man can “freeze” the game, so let’s talk about fictional characters liking fictional universes. I’m sticking to my theory that Dr. Light sits around watching century-old cartoons when no one is around.

2:58:00 – Mega Man 7 final boss! I hate everything about this!

3:10:00 – And then it finally ends. BEAT talks about “Fifteen Minute Classics”, which is a book that I’m almost certain doesn’t in any way exist.

3:17:00 – We’ve been talking about Sonic Mania all night, so I finally decide to play it. Knuckles is clearly the main character of Sonic Mania, right?

3:25 – BEAT leaves, because it’s 1 AM. I try to stop the stream, but then we start talking about Trump, and I can’t pass up a good chance to deride that idiot, so the stream continues for about another half hour.

And that’s it! Four hours of complete nonsense! If you decided to actually watch the whole thing through (during the live stream or now) congratulations, you’re a Gogglebob.com super fan! Thanks for watching, and thanks to everyone that participated! See you on the next stream!

FGC #319 Mega Man 6 & Mega Man 7

  • System: They’re not quite as ubiquitous as Mega Man 2 & 3, but 6 & 7 have appeared on a number of systems. In this case, it was the Playstation 4, but I’m pretty sure these games have been available on every Playstation model… and Xbox… and maybe like 75% of Nintendo consoles, too.
  • Number of players: One person plays, like four people watch and comment.
  • Pew PewMaybe actually talk about the game for a second: Mega Man 6 isn’t the apex of the NES Mega Man games, but it’s a tight, fun experience. Mega Man 7 is loose, but pretty, and generally inoffensive. If we could even out the difficulty of both final bosses, we’d have some kickass games here.
  • Favorite Robot Master (Mega Man 6): Centaur Man, because 70% horse, 50% man forever.
  • Favorite Robot Master (Mega Man 7): Shade Man, because robot vampire. I guess I just like the “mythical” robot masters… but then again, when the competition includes friggen’ Spring Man…
  • Goggle Bob Fact: Mega Man 6 was one of two games I kept at my grandmother’s house, so it got played roughly 600% more than other NES titles. This is likely why the level layouts of that title are now a part of my DNA.
  • Did you know? Wind Man and Knight Man were both “designed” by American fans (and specifically Nintendo Power readers), but if you look up the “original” designs, they’re pretty far off from the actual final product. I guess it’s more like they officially “named” a couple of robot masters. And I’m not jealous. Not at all.
  • Would I play again: I will play every Mega Man game again until the end of time.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Low G Man for the NES! Time for some low-down dirty gravity hijinks! Please look forward to it!

The news!