Tag Archives: retro

FGC #517 Retro Game Challenge

What we are looking at here is exactly what modern gaming has been chasing for the last decade.

Died right at the end

And you don’t even notice it.

Retro Game Challenge is an odd duck swimming in a flock of odd geese (they’re over at Lake Eerie). It is a game technically based on a Japanese game/variety show (and we use that already ambiguous definition loosely) named GameCenter CX / Retro Game Master, which has been running for 17 years as of this writing. It’s apparently out-surviving Survivor! And that seems appropriate, as the main focus of the show is its host, Shinya Arino, attempting to complete classic games with legendarily great difficulty levels. This isn’t just some random stream, though; between the commentary and jumpsuit, this works out to something closer to Mystery Science Theater 3000 for videogames. And how does that translate to an actual videogame? Weirdly! “Put upon, sarcastically titled Retro Game Master-Arino” becomes a vaguely malevolent, virtual “Actual Retro Master of Games-Arino” who curses the player to be a child flung back in time to play videogames with Arino’s younger self. Master the games, beat Arino’s challenges, and you’ll return to your present… And one would hope that reward is better than a childhood where you’re cursed to play videogames all day…

VrooomBut that’s just the story of Retro Game Challenge, what’s really important is the actual game that’s involved. Scratch that, the game involved is games. Retro Game Challenge does its best to create modern facsimiles of retro games of the past. Rather than turn this into a simple retro compilation hosted by a celebrity (and, to be clear, this humble blogger would not object to such a thing), Retro Game Challenge goes the extra mile and crafts loving homages to the games of yesterday. There’s Cosmic Gate, a (slightly) advanced reimaging of Galaga, and Star Prince, a slightly more advanced shoot ‘em up in the vein of Gradius or R-Type. Then there’s the Haggleman series, which starts off as a simple arcade action title ala Mappy Land or alike, but graduates to a full, cinematic action-explorer like Ninja Gaiden with a touch of Metroidvania underpinnings. Rally King evokes the bygone days of racing games before the advent of Mode 7, and Guadia Quest is Dragon Warrior mixed with a little Final Fantasy and Pokémon. In fact, Guadia Quest seems to stand as the mission statement of the Retro Game Challenge titles: it’s very much a classic JRPG, but it’s also concise and user-friendly, and does not suffer from any of the jank that might detract from someone enjoying a classic JRPG in modern times. It looks retro. It feels retro. But its sensibilities are decidedly modern, so you’re not going to eject it from your DS after the eighteenth time you had to search for the STAIRS command.

And this is one way in which Retro Game Challenge was prescient. RGC was revitalizing in 2007/2009 (took a lil’ bit to localize that one) because it had been so long since we saw these “retro” titles. The concept of 2-D platforming had been demoted to the occasional portable title, and, outside of a Castlevania or two, that kind of “retro” gameplay had been constrained to the shadows. Similarly, JRPGs were, at the time, wholly grand affairs that featured 80-hour long plots and battle systems that required a master’s in exp point management (reminder: RGC was on the same system that featured a Xenosaga title). The “simple” Retro Game Challenge titles were a breath of fresh air in that thick fog of Assassin’s Creeds and Batmans that looked like Assassin’s Creeds.

CheekyAnd history has proven that people liked that fresh air. Retro Game Challenge was released just before the online stores of consoles found that people actually wanted retro titles… they just maybe didn’t need to spend $60 on a disc to get ‘em. Make it clear that these retro titles were not trying to compete with whatever defined AAA that week (remember when everyone was obsessed with Left 4 Dead? That feels like a distant dream…), and suddenly people were all about Mega Man 9 or (console) Cave Story or whatever came down the pike. Retro Game Challenge seemed to herald the start of the age of retro games being available on online stores, and, soon enough, you wouldn’t have to wrap these games up in a faux-compilation, people would just be willing to drop a Hamilton on Haggle Man to play for the afternoon. Retro Game Challenge saw our shores just as online storefronts offered more and more retro game challenges.

But there was one aspect of Retro Game Challenge that was visionary and wholly unique. Need me to draw you a picture?

Who's that pokemon

You have a built-in audience.

Game Master Arino has sent you back in time to play videogames with Child Arino. Technically, throughout the whole of Retro Game Challenge, you are effectively living with Child Arino, playing on his console, reading his magazines, and occasionally consuming snacks provided by his mom. You are playing games that he owns, but does he ever ask for the controller? Does he ever demand you boot up two player mode? Does he ever even take a break to the Little Arino’s Room when you’re approaching hour seven of going for the high score in Space Prince? Nope! Arino is always there. He flinches when you lose a life, and he cheers when you find a secret. He is the perfect host, but, more importantly, he is the perfect spectator. He is never bored with your gaming. He never tires of seeing your latest accomplishments. He is enrapt in your gaming, and only asks that you occasionally answer a random, inane question or two. So, yes, not only is he the perfect audience, but he wants to hear your opinion on matters. Ask me anything, Arino!

LOOK AT ME DO THIS!And isn’t that what every youtuber and streamer is chasing? Hell, isn’t that even the secret point of most MMORPGs? Any game with an online social feature lives and dies by the ways it allows the player to “brag” about their accomplishments. Nintendo avoided “achievements” and “trophies” for this very reason? Well, why do I seem to keep seeing raids in Pokémon Sword/Shield featuring ‘mons that are completely useless, but abundantly shiny. Stop showing off, trainers! I see you! I get it! People have a natural, understandable urge to boast in almost every setting, and much of modern gaming has been constructed around showing off your latest “legendary pull” or “raid loot”. From Pokémon Go to Fortnite to Final Fantasy 14 to whatever that one shooter is that I always forget the name of (Destiny? I want to say Destiny), there are a richness of ways to crow about your achievements, and build a potentially rapt audience around your accomplishments. Modern gaming and entire websites are literally built around this concept, because if you’ve got spectators, you’re never going to stop playing. Of course you need to buy that new DLC, you’ve got to stay at the top of your game for the fans. You wouldn’t want to see that subscriber count go down, would you?

And it all boils down to trying to impress a friendly kid sprawled out on the carpet. It’s all chasing an audience as attentive as Young Arino.

One title predicted the next decade of gaming through a background element that most saw as an afterthought. Retro Game Challenge was secretly Prophetic Game Challenge.

FGC #517 Retro Game Challenge

  • System: A Nintendo DS game posing as a series of Nintendo Entertainment System games.
  • Number of Players: It kind of looks like there should be two players, but you’re actually going it alone on this one.
  • Favorite Retro Game: It says something that, back when this game was released, I was most interested in Gaudia Quest, the faux JRPG. Nowadays, I barely have time for real level grinding, left alone mini level grinding, so I’m going with Haggleman 3, the Ninja Gaiden/Metroid-alike. Haggleman 1 also gets bonus points for being exactly what it wants to be. Rally King can be hurled into the sun.
  • Poor kidLet’s Read: This is one of the few videogames… uh… ever that praises the gaming magazines of the retro era. Retro gaming histories at large seem to ignore the tremendous impact a simple preview for Super Mario Bros 3 or Final Fantasy could have on the curve of gaming’s history, and this is at least one game that acknowledges how “Classified Information” likely sold more titles than Toys R Us. Come on, whatever Mega Man Legacy Collection comes next, you can license a few Nintendo Power pages for the gallery.
  • And now a word from our Sponsor: Retro Game Challenge also promotes something we rarely saw in the United States: games with corporate sponsorship. There are a number of Famicom titles that tie in to various products and services, but it seems like the best we could ever get in the West was a Ninja Turtle or two. Of course, RGC would only be appropriate for the US if its Cup o Noodle version of Rally King was converted into Super HaggleMan 2
  • Goggle Bob Fact: Five years ago (damn!), back when I was still trying to figure out exactly what I was even going to call this site, I originally considered naming this whole “random games to play and write” project “The Retro Gaming Challenge”. Then I was reminded that that was taken by this very game, so I switched over to “Fustian Gaming Challenge”… primarily because I like the word “fustian”. And then, approximately seventy entries later, I realized I should have just gone with “Random Select”. It would explain all the featured fighting games!
  • Don't haggle meDid you know? At the absolute end of the ending, Cyber Arino will remind you that there isn’t anything more to the ending by stating plainly, “Even if you wait, there won’t be anything”. You can then wait for a full thirty minutes (not easy to do on a handheld!), and finally be greeting with Arino’s concluding statement of… “See ya”. He’s an honest guy.
  • Would I play again: Everything about this game is a delight. Not only will I likely play it again, but maybe I can dig up a fan translation of its sequel. Man, I hope that localization is half as good and thoughtful as the original…

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Cannon Spike for the Sega Dreamcast! … Isn’t that just a special move from Street Fighter? Huh. Street Fighter is pretty good, though… Well, uh, please look forward to it.

Keep on kickin'

FGC #504 Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

CORRUPTION MOST FOULChildren of the future! This article is for you, those with covid-resistant immune systems and glorious vestigial pinky fingers. This humble 21st century boy is considering why Metroid Prime 3: Corruption is the only Metroid Prime game he ever unequivocally enjoyed, and whether or not such an outcome is even possible for the eternally forthcoming Metroid Prime 4. Future people! You have Metroid Prime 4. It may be glorious! But please enable your Ancient English translators, and enjoy the musings of this prehistoric gamer.

Before we approach an even remote present, we have to look at the distant past. Super Metroid was (and continues to be) one of the most amazing games that was ever released by Nintendo. And to follow this epic adventure, there was… nothing. I was barely in elementary school when Super Metroid hit the shelves, and we wouldn’t hear an official peep about its follow-up until I was well into high school. And that’s forever when you’re not old enough to purchase renters’ insurance! And when we did finally get word about this long awaited sequel, it was not what anyone expected. A first person shooter! Like Doom! That’s not Metroid! That’s barely even a Nintendo genre! Many japes were made about the Metroid franchise being “reborn” as something similarly nonsensical, like a puzzle or pinball game, because, seriously, could you imagine something more absurd? Super Metroid defined an entire subset of 2-D action titles, and moving its heroine into another dimension would be tantamount to having Robert Downey Jr. fight Jeff Bridges in a realistic superhero movie. Such a thing could never work! And Nintendo even seemed to have its own doubts, as the eventual Metroid Prime launched right alongside a 2-D Metroid adventure. We’re going to try this, guys, but if anyone gets scared, there’s a blue Samus right there if you need her…

This is ballsLuckily, Metroid Prime was a pretty great experience (he wrote, implying that great videogames are somehow a matter of luck and not hours and years worth of hard work). In fact, it could be argued that Metroid Prime was a success because it was the perfect inverse of its 2-D twin, Metroid Fusion (maybe an evil twin, but certainly fraternal). Metroid Fusion superficially retained the exact same gameplay as Super Metroid, but was a very separate animal from its ancestor, as it adopted much more of a “level by level” structure with a dash of overly talkative robot. Meanwhile, Metroid Prime changed seemingly everything by entering the third dimension and putting a much larger emphasis on things like “beam switching” or “log scanning”, but the world of Metroid Prime was very much Super Metroid. Give or take an icy area, practically every environment on Tallon IV could be matched to a location in Super Metroid, and this was clearly by (brilliant) design. Controlling Samus in Metroid Prime may have been new and scary, but, altered names or no, this was a very familiar environment with very familiar opponents for our players. That missile tank is hidden in that same wall, your x-ray scope is just a little different now.

And, if pressed, I would tell you that is exactly why I finished Metroid Prime. It’s also a significant factor in why I didn’t finish Metroid Prime 2.

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes was a more confident version of Metroid Prime. No longer aping Super Metroid out of a (probably well-placed) fear of offending the Metroid fanbase, MP2 utilized a number of new ideas that further separated this adventure from the traditional Metroid experience (which had only cemented itself in, what, four games?). Required beams had carefully rationed ammo counts. Many caverns were designed around the concept of “cover” (what else do you call ducking behind a wall because the air is trying to kill you?). And the light/dark world of Aether was a completely new environment for our cosmic star heroine (though not new for another Nintendo hero). In short, MP2 did advance the Metroid Prime series on its own, separate track, and that repelled some fans.

… Or it was just me. And maybe I just don’t like ammo managing. Whatever! I didn’t like Echoes. Get over it. I have.

But Metroid Prime 3: Corruption? Now there is a game I could play all day (and did!).

BLUE BLUEIn many ways, MP3:C continues the innovative spirit of MP2. A large, continuous “world” has been ditched for multiple planets (and the occasional spacecraft) that all have separate, disparate maps. The concept of “beam ammo” has been dropped, but a new hyper mode fueled by energy tanks seems to organically fill that resource-based hole. And, for the first time in this franchise, the story seems to be genuinely and progressively character-driven. The Metroid Prime series has always had oodles of log entries and amazing environmental storytelling, but this is the first time a trio of frenemy bounty hunters was introduced so they could eventually be corrupted and become exciting boss battles. Samus Aran is the ruthless hunter of legend, but this is the first time in her franchise she felt moderately sad about missiling an opponent to oblivion (there had been deaths that made Samus sad in previous games, but those were mostly induced by Mother Brain, and not Samus’s own blaster). All new gameplay and all new feelings seem like a terrible fit for a new Metroid title, and, by all accounts, your cranky-about-any-and-all-change Goggle Bob should have bounced off Metroid Prime 3 just as quickly as Metroid Prime 2. But there’s a 100% save game file here that says that bad end never happened…

What did happen? Simple answer: for the first time, a FPS felt natural.

Shoot 'em upI’ve mentioned before (possibly even in this current screed) that I can barely deal with first person shooter titles. I bounce off the general “feel” of FPSs like a wave beam plinking off an Alpha Metroid’s carapace. For reasons I’ve never been able to completely understand, I deal poorly with the first person perspective (it might have something to do with my real-life terrible depth perception), and have never wholly enjoyed a FPS title. Until Metroid Prime 3. MP3:C I played and played, and, give or take times when those AAs drained down to nothing and had to be recharged, I kept my wiimote at the ready nigh-constantly for this experience. And that wiimote was likely the entire reason for such an unprecedented event. The sharp motion controls of Metroid Prime 3 made the entire experience, from Samus first exiting her ship to her final showdown with not-Mother Brain, one that felt natural for the first time in the franchise. Samus is wearing a magical technological suit of armor, and any FPS worth its salt is going to do its best to make that situation feel normal. But traditional controller-based FPS titles make it feel like you’re inhabiting a mascot costume that incidentally shoots laser beams. MP3:C grants you the feeling of being a person that has a screw attack, but, more importantly, also has peripheral vision. Moving that wiimote around will allow Samus (and the player) to quickly survey an area, and, when you’re exploring multiple worlds that contain roughly 90% deadly fauna by volume, it makes all the difference. No more drained energy because a pirate drone was hiding in the corner of the room, Samus now has a full, reflexive range of vision, and it makes Metroid Prime 3 a wholly unique experience.

… And it’s going to continue to be a unique experience, because the Nintendo Wii was apparently an evolutionary dead-end. Star Fox Zero seemed to prove the same “motion controls and views working in concert” effect wasn’t possible with the WiiU, and the Nintendo Switch is more concerned with portability than a control scheme that is wholly motion-based. And that’s a good thing! Watch any Nintendo fan immediately wince at the mention of “waggle”, and you’ll understand why motion controls have fallen by the wayside. But they worked amazingly well in Metroid Prime 3: Corruption, and it will feel like a loss when they don’t return for Metroid Prime 4.

Pew PewSo, readers of the future, please use your time-jumping cellular phones to email Gogglebob.com and let this humble author know how Metroid Prime 4 has finally turned out. The Metroid Prime franchise went from red-headed stepchild to interesting diversion to ignorable variation to one of the best franchises on the Nintendo Wii, and I’m inordinately interested in how its descendant will fair in our unknown future. Maybe it will “only” be another fun FPS. Maybe it will revolutionize the franchise and videogame controls again. Maybe it will be a complete dud that fails to distract humanity from their daily struggles against hordes of invading metal bugs. Whatever the case, the franchise has been so many things across three simple games, it is a complete unknown as to how the fourth will impact the gaming landscape.

Will Metroid Prime 4 merely be worthy of a few hours of grapple hooking around, or another 100% complete mission? Only time will tell…

FGC #504 Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

  • System: Nintendo Wii, and then also available for the Nintendo Wii U while emulating the Nintendo Wii. …. Does that even count?
  • Number of players: This bounty hunter works alone.
  • Wasn’t there also a Metroid Prime title for the Nintendo DS? Nope.
  • But there was a big demo that launched with the Nintendo DS and everything! Really have no idea what you’re talking about. This is the only Metroid game where Samus must fight against other, rogue bounty hunters. Any other such game clearly doesn’t exist. Got Metroid Prime Trilogy right here. Trilogy. Three.
  • Ah, screw itAnd don’t the other games in Metroid Prime Trilogy have retrofitted motion controls? Yes, but they were added after the fact, and it just doesn’t feel the same as a game that was designed for them from the start. Very subtle differences in there that make Metroid Prime 1 & 2’s controls feel different from 3.
  • Is that just an excuse to continue to not play Metroid Prime 2: Echoes? Nope. Moving on!
  • Regarding the Metroid Prime: It will never not be interesting to me that the main antagonist for all of the Metroid Prime titles is a mutated creature that was originally called “Metroid Prime”. It was initially just a metroid, then it got phazoned to all hell, then got beat by Samus, and then became Samus thanks primarily to some random suit hijinks. But Dark Samus is still, at its core, the Metroid Prime, and, considering this is a franchise already named for its murder amoebas, this trilogy might have the cleverest title in gaming.
  • How about that final boss: It was Mother Brain, but not Mother Brain, because Mother Brain is a separate entity, and… You know what, it doesn’t matter. The directors of Metroid Prime finally found a way to wedge the OG Metroid final boss in there, and we should just be happy for the fanservice instead of chastising yet another strafe-based final boss that turned one of the most unique final encounters in a NES game into a pretty typical final fight. Just let me blow up a floating brain in peace, Retro!
  • Love that guyRidley is Too Big: After taking a game off, Ridley returns for a number of battles. Meta Ridley is pretty similar to his OG prime form, but Omega Ridley is a big, bad, phazon-powered machine. And I am here for anything that makes big ol’ Ridley even bigger. And, hey, Proteus Ridley of Samus Returns seems to confirm that Omega Ridley “outgrowing” his cybernetics is what eventually leads to “regular” Ridley in Super Metroid. … I may spend way too much time considering the biological timeline of your average Ridley. Just so long as he isn’t some dumb bird this time…
  • Favorite Bounty Hunter: Ghor, Rundas, and Gandrayda were three bounty hunters brought in to assist the Galactic Federation on this whole “Dark Samus threatening the universe thing”, and, naturally, they all become corrupted and must be laid low by Samus. Ghor is portrayed as some kind of mecha-Ghandi (he gives his bounties to the poor? Really?) before corruption, and Rundas was just kind of cool (get it!?) and generally helpful, but Gandrayda, the sassy shape-shifter, makes the best impression. Though she does lose a few points for mimicking Samus with her abilities, as we’re already dealing with a game that has one “Bad Samus” running around, and an entire army of parasite Samus creatures over in Fusion. Just be yourself, Gandrayda! We don’t need any more Samuses!
  • Did you know: Gandrayda and Samus Aran are the only two female bounty hunters so far to appear in the Metroid franchise. Considering these games started with exactly one woman, it’s rather concerning that number has only grown to two after thirty years.
  • Would I play again: Yes, but only with proper Wii controls. I can’t imagine a Metroid Prime Trilogy existing outside of the Nintendo Wii… and I’m pretty sure that’s the only Wii title that makes me say that. Maybe Wii Sports? Whatever the case, Metroid Prime 3 will be played again, just only ever with its original hardware.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker for the Sega Genesis. That’s not going to be awkward! Please look forward to dancing around that one!

So pointy

FGC #217 Adventure Time: Explore the Dungeon Because I Don’t Know!

What time is it?I want to like this game so bad. So, so very bad.

What I like: It’s Adventure Time!

I love Adventure Time! I’ve loved Adventure Time for a long time! I started watching the show approximately at the start of the second season, and, I’ve been hooked ever since. It’s a good show with a slightly off kilter view of the universe, and, frankly, it’s funny and adventurous. Jake the Dog and Finn the Human save and snicker at Ooo in equal measure, and that’s awesome for someone like me with a vague “laugh it off” life philosophy. And did I mention the mythology of the Adventure Time world? The apparently teenage princess of candy land is nearly a thousand years old, and was ultimately born of a catastrophically explosive war? Sign me the glob up!

Also, there’s Lumpy Space Princess, and that gal is always a good time.

What I like: It’s Adventure Time (for real)!

Chop chopNow, just because you’ve got the Adventure Time license, that doesn’t mean you’ve got a “true” Adventure Time game. The previous Wayforward Adventure Time game, Adventure Time: Hey Ice King! Why’d You Steal Our Garbage?!!, was a Zelda 2-esque adventure game starring Finn and Jake… but it seemed to take random liberties with the characters. No, it wasn’t like Finn suddenly had the ability to fly and Jake could turn into a seven-headed hydra or something, but the whole thing stunk of “we need to randomly insert this character because he/she is popular, and who cares if it fits in the Adventure Time world”. Here’s Flame Princess… just… hanging out? Here’s Lemongrab… for some reason? And LSP becomes a world-destroying threat? Uh… okay. The game was generally good, make no mistake, but the plot and overall setting felt a lot like the licensed games of days gone by: here’s a great concept for a videogame, and we’ve quickly slapped an Adventure Time skin on the affair so as to fleece the kiddies (and adult-shaped kiddies). Again: good game, but it seems like a videogame based on an animated series that contains so many videogame influences should have had much better gaming synergy.

However, it seems the folks at WayforWard learned from their mistakes. Adventure Time: Explore the Dungeon Because I Don’t Know! got Pendleton Ward (Adventure Time creator) completely on board, and the game is, in its entirety, canon. Yes, I am the kind of nerd that believes dreaded continuity to be the devil that destroyed the comics industry (everything about that statement is a lie), and I don’t think a videogame has to be “canon” to be “real”, but here… it makes a difference. I liked AT:HIK!WYSOG?!! despite its continuity gaffes, but every single one still took me out of the experience. It’s a silly, superfluous complaint to have, but I like to be immersed in my videogames based on a children’s properties. AT:EtDBIDK! seems to more properly handle each character, and even offers additional mythology through the story and its finale. As someone that feeds on ridiculous stories, I couldn’t be happier.

What I like: It’s Retro!

HDAdventure Time has a decidedly retro flair to its aesthetics, so it seems only natural that its tie-in videogames would appear to be similarly “8-bit”. From the title screen to the cinema scenes, AT:EtDBIDK! hues closely to a pixelated style that is a fine simulation of classic games. And, no, it’s not just retro for the sake of being retro; it really does seem appropriate for this literal dungeon crawler to look similar to the dungeon crawlers of decades ago (well, the ones that weren’t just text-based, at least). There’s more than a little Gauntlet in the DNA of this adventure, so a similarity to Midway quarter munchers is practically required. The whole thing should make BMO happy. Actually, speaking of which…

What I like: Hey, an actual use for the WiiU gamepad!

This game was released for practically every system available at its launch (nobody loves you, Vita), but the WiiU version contained a special feature. Rather than just offer the option to play the game on the big screen or the lil’ gamepad (like, ya know, every non-Nintendo game released for the WiiU ever), AT:EtDBIDK! sticks BMO on the gamepad, so you get to venture through the depths with a constant, adorable companion. It’s not exactly a system selling feature (I never need to hear the phrase, “Try it with mustard!” ever again), but it is cute and very Adventure Time appropriate. It also makes every other company that claimed they could never do anything with the WiiU gamepad look like an asshole, so thank you for that, Wayforward. It’s the little things that make a game great, even when that little thing is a minuscule, sentient game system.

What I like: The other little things!

PoofThis is a very Adventure Time game, and it’s clear that there was a deliberate move to maintain that Adventure Time feeling through everything. Cyclops tears cure status ailments. Status ailments include being cursed by a Hug Wolf. There’s a kitten gun (that’s a gun that shoots out kittens, as opposed to a gun meant for shooting kittens, or a gun that is kitten-appropriate sized). There are malevolent deer. Fiona and Cake are not real. Princess Bubblegum collects tyrannical taxes. Marceline the Vampire Queen doesn’t actually “die” in a dungeon, she seems to simply get annoyed and leave. From top to bottom, this is a very dedicated Adventure Time experience.

And there are easter eggs for retro-fanatics, too! The magic wand blasts out Legend of Zelda-style magic waves. A pile of skeletons isn’t the only Castlevania reference skulking around, and Choose Goose is channeling every JRPG merchant that ever was. There’s just so much to like here!

What I don’t like: This game sucks

Despite everything, this game sucks. Character movement speed is atrocious, and the monsters are too fast or the dungeons are too big (or both). It seems to take absolutely forever to get anywhere, and practically everything feels uphill. Worthwhile loot starts at, what, 100 pieces of treasure? Per floor, you’re lucky if you find 20 helpings of treasure. By my calculations, that means it would take for-freaking-ever to purchase anything worthwhile. There’s a powerup to make everything go faster!… but it’s a rogue-like, and you could potentially lose that hard-earned ability after a particularly costly hummingbird ambush. Now it’s back to square one! Woo!

ChillyBut you know what? The slow, plodding gameplay could work. Some of my favorite games are slow as balls, so that just means I utilize that rad WiiU gamepad and play the game on the small screen while watching horrible anime or something. Oh, wait, no… while the typical dungeon floors are slow and generally innocuous, the boss fights can be difficult and based on completely different skill sets (let’s play hide and seek!), so I better pay complete attention to those events, or risk losing my every last treasure. AT:EtDBIDK! isn’t consistent with its tedium, so, rather than getting to relax and enjoy a unique adventure, I’m constantly on edge. This isn’t Silent Hill. I love Harry Mason’s adventures, but sometimes I just want to be Jake the Dog and play a fun game while enjoying an everything burrito. Is that so wrong?

Adventure Time: Explore the Dungeon Because I Don’t Know! has a lot to like, but its gameplay completely turns me off. I really want to like everything about this game, but it is not to be. Maybe next time we’ll get an adventure where the fun will never end.

FGC #217 Adventure Time: Explore the Dungeon Because I Don’t Know!

  • System: WiiU is my preference, but you may also enjoy the experience on a Playstation 3, Xbox 360, PC, or Nintendo 3DS. I understand the 3DS version is atrocious, but I’ve never tried it, so that might just be typical internet hyperbole.
  • Number of players: Four, though I could not in good conscious ever recommend we play this game to my social circle. I still have at least one friend that is in an endless boredom coma thanks to playing Fortune Street, so I don’t want to risk the slowness of this title. Particularly when there are better Gauntlets about.
  • HUGS!Favorite character: Marceline the Vampire Queen and her rad axe are all I need. I’d choose her if she didn’t already have floaty powers, I swear. Then again, maybe I just have a weakness for vampires.
  • So, did you beat it? Nope. According to my in-game clock, I put fifteen hours into this game, and that’s about when I quit. I looked up the ending on Youtube, and the final boss fight looked… monotonous. That was pretty much the final nail in the coffin.
  • Did you know? Adventure Time has a ludicrously complicated and depressing backstory involving nuclear war and the destruction of nearly the entire human race. And it was all foreshadowed from the first second of the opening animation of every episode. Good job, Pen Ward.
  • Would I play again: Nooooope.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Skate or Die! Oh snap, I’m probably going to die. Please look forward to it! … Wait a minute.