Tag Archives: regular sized robots

FGC #326 Rolling Thunder 2

Here is a complete list of passwords for normal mode of Rolling Thunder 2.

A MAGICAL THUNDER LEARNED THE SECRET

Let's get this rollingRolling Thunder 2, in an effort to not drive its audience completely insane, made all of its passwords actual words and phrases. This is in stark contrast to much of the NES and Genesis library, which used a password system that was, according to nine out of ten scientists, ferret chasing a ball wearing banana pants crazy. The mere concept of misplacing one semicolon and causing the entire program game to crash is a cruel thing to inflict upon a five year old that just wants to see Simon Belmont conquer the Castlevania countryside, and the idea that someone could memorize those random assortments of letters and numbers is laughable (ONBI UQAU Z12S SRYA). Rolling Thunder 2 instead presents a series of words for selection, and every password at least looks like a complete sentence. Awesome! This is even thematically appropriate, as the heroes of Rolling Thunder are (not very stealthy) spies, and these “passwords” could be seen in spy media as… well… passwords.

Of course, when you’ve got actual sentences going, it’s inevitable that you want to find meaning in said sentences. Our password to access Level 2 is “A MAGICAL THUNDER LEARNED THE SECRET”. This makes a certain amount of sense, as the heroes of this game are the titular Rolling Thunder Task Force, and I guess they learned a secret at some point. And they can soak more bullets than most people, so “magical” seems appropriate. So far, so good!

A NATURAL FIGHTER CREATED THE GENIUS

WHAT IS THE PASSWORDThis is not how these things work! I could see a genius creating a natural fighter (I’m pretty sure that’s the plot of at least two Tekken backstories), but a fighter creating a genius? Ha! The very idea is laughable… and immediately causes me to consider exactly how that would work. I’m assuming we’re dealing with one of those “negative intelligence stat” situations wherein someone was clobbered so soundly by a natural fighter, they suffered extreme brain damage. But there’s a happy ending! Said addled “genius” now is too dumb to realize that, say, inventing time travel is impossible and stupid, so it is done. How about them apples? Or maybe we’re just dealing with a specific kind of genius, like a fighting genius? That’s less interesting.

A ROLLING NUCLEUS SMASHED THE NEURON

I don’t know enough about science to say whether this is at all accurate or not (Gee, did the previous paragraph give that away?). But I want to say that this sounds just science-y enough to be legit. Look, I’m giving a TED Talk later this afternoon, and I’m going to see if the audience reacts at all when I stick this phrase in my introduction. I’m betting there will be no issues.

A CURIOUS PROGRAM PUNCHED THE POWDER

Oh hell yes. This is obviously the plot for the next summer blockbuster. In a world where science runs rampant, one professor decides to code his own sentient AI. But everything spirals out of control when this curious program decides to “punch the powder” and take control of all the nuclear weapons on Earth. Only natural fighter Hadoken Harrison (Shane Black) has what it takes to bring down this rogue AI. But when that AI inhabits the body of a generically sexy lady, will Hadoken still be able to jump kick his way to a better tomorrow? With Patton Oswalt as the nerd and whichever actress is currently 22 as the AI.

A LOGICAL LEOPARD BLASTED THE SECRET

ELEVATOR ACTION!There are logical leopards now? And they’re capable of blasting? Dr. Rob Liefeld wrote that most creatures are invincible while they’re blastin’, so we’re pretty much screwed. Let us all take a moment to bow to our new leopard masters, so they may evaluate our succulent necks at their leisure.

A PRIVATE ISOTOPE DESIRED THE TARGET

You know, while we’re on the subject of spy media, I think I want to compile a list of words and phrases that just sound like they’re something out of a technical manual. “Isotope” is the obvious science word here, but let’s not discount “target”. Adding “target” to any bluff increases the validity of your statement by about 200%. “We’re looking at hitting target projections shortly”. “The target demographic is very excited about this.” “Stay on target.” Every time you use the word “target” (and you’re not talking about darts), you sound more worldly by a target estimate of about 300%. And no isotope is ever going to take that away.

A NATURAL RAINBOW ELECTED THE FUTURE

Man, I wish that happened in 2016.

A MAGICAL MACHINE MUFFLED THE KILLER

The final boss of Rolling Thunder 2 is a robot man, so this might be some manner of foreshadowing. Or… wait… No, it’s the duty of Rolling Thunder to defeat that magical machine… which is a killer… um… Hm. Oh, no, I’ve got it! The killer is the final boss, and the muffling magical machine is your gun! Yes! That makes perfect sense. Apparently Rolling Thunder 2 is more pro-gun than the NRA, and believes your standard pistol to be a magical machine. Now we’re all on the same page.

A DIGITAL NUCLEUS PUNCHED THE DEVICE

For a game that only lets you use firearms (even when you run out of ammo, you still shoot the same gun, just slower), there sure is a lot of punching in these passwords. This one seems to be a “greatest hits” of the other passwords, and retreads a lot of well-worn ground. A digital nucleus? Are we back on another robot kick? And always with “the device”. I’m betting it’s just a common watch. A robot punched a watch? Huh. I guess that does sound more interesting when you bring a little ambiguity to the table.

A PRIVATE THUNDER CREATED THE POWDER

Did you think I was making this up?It’s only appropriate that we close these passwords with something that at least passingly acknowledges our heroes. While a “private” thunder is still the dream of planetariums everywhere, if we assume the “Thunder” in this case is actually referring to the heroes, then… they’re making drugs? Oh! Wait! They turned their enemies to powder! That’s it! “Private” aka stealthy Thunder-spies infiltrated eleven different strongholds, shot the living heck out of everybody, and turned their foes, human and robot alike, to powder. These passwords do make sense! Awesome! Next we’ll tackle the hard mode passwords, but let’s take a little break first. I need to go create a private thunder.

FGC #326 Rolling Thunder 2

  • System: Sega Genesis and Arcade. Unlike the original Rolling Thunder, I’ve never seen the Rolling Thunder 2 arcade cabinet. I don’t particularly remember where I saw Rolling Thunder 1, mind you, I just know that it’s burned into my memory from somewhere. Oh, also available on the Wii Virtual Console.
  • Number of players: Two player simultaneous! Woo! And you can’t accidentally shoot each other, either! Even better!
  • Pew PewMaybe actually talk about the game for a second: What we have here is a basic “cover shooter” in the 2-D environment, a little slower than Sunset Riders, but a little faster than OG Elevator Action. This is the kind of game that does really well in the arcades, but gets kind of boring on the home consoles. Or, well, I suppose it doesn’t get too boring, as, if you ignore Hard Mode, the game doesn’t really overstay its welcome, but it has about as much replay value as your average beat ‘em up.
  • Favorite Character: There are only two available here, but I’ll take Leila, the hard boiled 80’s gal, over Albatross, a James Bond wannabe (with a heavy emphasis on “wannabe”) any day. Apparently, in the arcades, Leila was the default player one, which is unusual for the era always.
  • Did you know? The original Rolling Thunder featured presumably “real” human opponents, they were just cloaked into genericness by a bunch of hoods. In Rolling Thunder 2, the majority of your opponents (save a few evil dogs) are secretly androids of some kind. I’m pretty sure this means that the bad guys of the Rolling Thunder universe followed the same trajectory as The Foot Clan.
  • Would I play again: Rolling Thunder 2 is pretty fun with two players. As was tangentially mentioned earlier, it’s basically a beat ‘em up game with guns, so that makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately, I have other, better, real beat ‘em ups that I’d rather play with my friends, so, sorry, agents, you’re retired.

What’s next? Random ROB… is taking a backseat, as I play the game everyone has to play right now. Metroid 2! Samus is back, baby! Please look forward to it!

Huh?

FGC #320 Low G Man: The Low Gravity Man

Low Grav, yo!Not all ideas are created equal.

Our good friend ROB has chosen Low G Man: The Low Gravity Man for today’s entry, and I have to compliment the random robot for this choice. I can tell you that, with absolute certainty, I purchased this title as a cheap, used cartridge, and the only reason I picked it up was because I confused it with (Nintendo Power’s coverage of) Metal Storm. “This is that cool NES game where you could switch gravity, right?” I asked myself as I wandered over to the cash register. I was wrong. I was very wrong, and I’m pretty sure I played this game for all of six seconds before dropping it back into the collection and then proceeding to play… let me guess the timeframe here… probably Final Fantasy X-2. No need to play another weirdo NES game where I can’t even successfully beat the first level, time to get back to being a pop-star/world savior.

And there Low G Man sat for quite a while before ROB pulled it off the shelf for this article. This led to the very unusual situation of playing a 27 year old game that created zero feelings of nostalgia, and, more importantly, I had no idea how to play. I initially figured that this was no more than a NES game, so it can’t be that complicated, and I’d bang out a few levels before the hour is up. But an hour quickly escalated to two, and, before I knew it, I had beaten the game, hopefully having uncovered all the secrets and tricks to this low gravity man’s adventure.

… Or at least figured out how the damn combat system works.

Low G Man has an amazing jump. LGM can jump to the height of the screen (and even powerup further from there), and I guess he earned his title through these miraculous ups. However, his jump is kind of… useless. Don’t get me wrong, you wouldn’t get very far in the LGM world without the ability to scale giant robots or be a human elevator, but this is not a Mario situation wherein our hero bops his way to a better future. Jumping is strictly there for traversal and dodging, which… makes sense? I mean, if he’s got the jump powers because he’s using some manner of self-anti-grav unit, then I guess the impact of boots to a head wouldn’t involve much force. Way to think it through, Low G Man producers!

WeeeeeeSo, in order to properly defend himself, LGM is equipped with a stun gun. That’s good! We’ve got your basic NES freeze ray here, and it works on Samus Aran rules (not to be confused with Ice Slasher rules): an enemy robot (or alien) is frozen, turns blue, and may be used as a platform at will. Bonus: this also means the frozen opponent doesn’t deal contact damage while frozen. By the time of Level 1’s boss, you’ll also be tasked with the Metroidian goal of freezing a few lesser adversaries so you may successfully scale a vertical shaft. All pretty straightforward to start, though with one glaring flaw: the stun gun does absolutely zero damage. Nothing. Frozen or not, an opponent will never die from simple stun blasts. So what’s a Low Gravity Man to do? Whip out a kick ass spear, of course!

LGM has got a spear, and he knows how to use it. Wait, scratch that, he knows how to be a dragoon… and that’s about it. Likely due to the severely lacking number of buttons on the average NES controller, LGM can only utilize his spear in an upward or downward direction. Not coincidentally, LGM also cannot shoot his stun gun straight up or down, only side to side. In a way, this couples amazingly with his crazy jumping skills, as we wouldn’t see a real “moving” Kain Highwind until that one Dissidia game, and dropping spear-first into a foe is always going to be fun. On the other hand, the antagonists of this world almost always move (and attack) horizontally, and the best LGM can consistently do is plink away with his lame stun gun, wait for the freeze to take effect, and then pull off the leaping spear “finishing move”. Pointy end goes hereIt’s kind of fun when there’s one enemy on the screen, but it’s ambiguously suicidal when the place starts filling with murderous robots (and this already happens during the first stage). And, while it can be fun once or twice, stun-jump-spear is basically “normal action gameplay, but with extra steps” when you get right down to it. That can get old across fifteen separate stages crammed with bad bots.

But it’s not the worst idea, right? It’s easy to give a NES game a lot of flack, but the brave men and women of the 8-bit console generation were pioneers working with tools that would nary impress a caveman. Four buttons? Three if you don’t count the seemingly mandatory pause? That barely allows for a second offensive option, so it’s no wonder this feels clumsy. But like how Mega Man X revolutionized weapon switching with the L&R buttons, a “next gen” Low G Man could actually make this idea work. It’s not about freezing and spearing, it’s about utilizing long distance attacks to “soften up” an enemy, and then using a close range maneuver to finish the job. There’s some meat on those bones! That could be a really interesting way to switch up the typical run ‘n gun gameplay of most 2-D action games. Get a director who has been making videogames for a solid couple of years, introduce some modern technology, toss in some dashes that make the whole process faster, and maybe…

DASH DASH SLIDE

Nah, screw it. Not gonna work.

Low G Man, there’s a reason nobody revisits your gameplay. Sorry.

FGC #320 Low G Man: The Low Gravity Man

  • System: NES exclusive. There’s not a Master System or Commodore 64 or whatever version? No? Okay, just checking.
  • Number of players: This Low G Man is an island.
  • Other X Connections: Some enemies ride hovercars or tanks, and you can snag a vehicle for yourself. Not unlike in Metal Slug, all the vehicles have limited “fuel”, and they’ll self-destruct pretty quickly if you’re not paying attention, but it’s always fun to suddenly wield a gun that actually does damage.
  • Favorite Powerup: Low G Man also has a host of sub weapons available. They’re not so great, because you have to earn them from quickly lost enemy drops, and a loss of life will lead to a complete loss of all sub weapons, but… they’re there? Whatever. You get a boomerang, and that’s the quintessential NES weapon, so I’m happy.
  • An end: In a shocking twist, the Low G Man finale, which can only be viewed after beating the game three times, advertises the “upcoming” GI Joe game:

    Just wait!

    Well, I mean, I guess it was a pretty good game.

  • Did you know? Low G Man was developed by KID, a development company that primarily seems to be responsible for a buttload of visual novel games (which can only be measured in butt-based measurements). But they’re also the deranged minds behind the Playstation 1 Pepsi Man game, so they get a pass from me.
  • Would I play again: Naw. Throw this one in the pile of “interesting, but not really enough fun” castoffs.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… WarioWare: Touched for the Nintendo DS! It’s Wario touching time, everybody! Please look forward to it!

Get the point?

FGC #303 NieR: Automata

Note: This review will involve a lot of spoilers for any game with “NieR” in the title. It’s unfortunately inevitable, and if you’d like to go into the franchise “clean”, I would recommend avoiding this article until you’ve completed both games. Or don’t, and realize why you should finish both games. Regardless, you’ve been warned.

Today’s game is NieR: Automata, the sequel to NieR: Gestalt. Both of these games are emblazoned with this lovely little logo:

Mature!

This is appropriate, as Yoko Taro has somehow been responsible for the most emotionally mature videogames in the medium.

Kinda glitchyMind you, that is a pretty low bar to clear. As an obvious example, every Grand Theft Auto game has been rated as “Mature”, so Rockstar has taken the “only adults are supposed to play this” mandate to heart and written grandiose, developed stories meant to appeal to an exclusively aged demographic. Ha ha ha, just kidding, Grand Theft Auto games are more about seeing how many times the number 69 can be inserted into random conversations than it is ever about telling a “real” story about violence in America… or whatever they’re shoveling into their press releases this week. And even if you take the GTA series completely seriously, you have to acknowledge that the franchise is fairly limited in perspectives. Would you like to play as the angry white guy, the angry black guy, or the angry and balding white guy? Yes, you could argue this thin characterization is the result of having to present a protagonist that might surf cars and play with a rocket launcher in his (inevitably “his”) spare time, but I know plenty of psychopaths, and they do have a slightly broader emotional range than “always irritated all the time.” People are people, Rockstar, not robot animals.

NieR: Gestalt (note: that will be the last time I type “Nier” with correct capitalization) is what could easily be the story of one angry white dude. And we’re going to spoil that game first…

FGC #302 RoboCop Versus The Terminator

According to James Cameron, the original Terminator film came from a literal fever dream. While being laid up with a particularly bad flu, Cameron experienced a vivid vision featuring a metallic torso of a man lurching forward with some very pointy weaponry, and that image eventually gave birth to Arnold Schwarzenegger the terminator. It’s not difficult to understand why: the picture of an “undying” and relentless pursuer is one that seems to be lodged pretty firmly in our collective unconscious and, metal monster or not, I think a lot of us have had “that dream” involving an unyielding, inescapable monster. This is a primal fear (probably courtesy of one or two saber tooth tigers that were real dicks), so giving such a thing robo-flesh was inevitably going to tap into an endless market of people that want more homicidal android action.

Just kind of a shame someone forgot about that invincible torso somewhere along the way.

The Terminator franchise has been complicated from the very beginning. Right from the get-go, we’ve got a time travel story that is doing its best to simultaneously create a “new future” and a stable time loop. John Connor sends his best bud back in time to become his dad (thus creating a future where there is a John Connor) and prevent the Skynet robopocolypse from ever existing (thus creating a future where there is no reason for a John Connor). That’s a surprisingly convoluted plot to get to “there’s an unstoppable robot on the loose”, but I suppose credit should be given to Cameron for not just tossing out a “btw there’s a killer robot now” story and putting some thought into the whys of an unstoppable metal torso. Of course, this begat Terminator 2, which brought the concept to its logical conclusion: Stay still!what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? What happens when two relentless robots collide? And maybe there’s an annoying kid involved, too, because we have like another hour to fill? Yes, Sarah Connor is a great role model, and her PTSD from a future that might never be is pretty neat an’ all, but the focus of T2 is the Judgment Day when two invincible bots clash. And, once again, audiences seemed to react well to that kind of thing.

Then it all went to hell.

The image of an army of terminators, whether they have flesh or not, is a chilling one. These are unstoppable androids, and even one seems to be completely invincible. What hope does humanity have against an entire planet of the buggers? No wonder time travel seemed to be the only option: once Skynet has built an impassable wall, there’s nothing that’s going to bring it down short of rewriting history. But there’s a problem with terminators, and it’s basically the same as the inverse ninja law. Duel one threat, and you can have an exciting, one-on-one battle that is all about tactics and psychology and the very real threat of one combatant exploiting the tiniest advantage and pulling a victory out of seemingly thin air. But pit one hero against a group of greater than, say, four, and suddenly everything is tilted in the favor of the lone protagonist. Storm Troopers can’t shoot straight, ninja get kicked in the face, and terminators are suddenly about as threatening as a Roomba. Yes, maybe you can’t “beat” an army of terminators, but they’ve rapidly lost that ability to actually hit a target, mow down humankind, and, ya know, terminate. The more terminators, the better for humanity.

I am the law?And this is where we join RoboCop Versus The Terminator for the Super Nintendo. Robocop is a fairly unstoppable cyborg himself, and he’s also had a number of videogames to his name. That’s no mistake, as he was practically built for 16-bit battles. He’s powerful, but he’s not invincible, so he’s one of the few protagonists that possess a life bar and an excuse for said life bar. Heck, you could even make such a thing some part of Officer Murphy’s in-visor HUD. And then you’ve got the whole “future Detroit that is moderately more deadly than OG Detroit” thing to provide an army of criminals, mutants, and criminal mutants to indiscriminately gun down. Toss it all together, and you’ve got a complete videogame. Throwing in a terminator is just sprinkles on the hyper violent sundae that is Robocop.

But the problem isn’t that Virgin Games involved a terminator, it’s that they went for terminators. Terminators leave their lovely dystopia to visit Detroit’s slightly less futuristic dystopia, and the mechanical malcontents descend upon Robocop. One Terminator is encountered at a construction site, and, with the right positioning, it can be defeated without Robocop even having to move. But the next terminator is slightly more invincible! He can’t be defeated with simple armaments… but there is a pretty conspicuous pit nearby, and you know what you have to do. The next terminator is similarly doomed, but his death is slightly further away. And then Robocop takes the long way to a future full of terminators.

And then it gets really silly. Robocop is stuck in a future filled to the brim with terminators, so, naturally, he has gained the ability to mow the mechs down like they’re less killing machines and more farm equipment. Yes, the story does offer the tiniest concession in Robocop grabbing a futuristic pistol and other advanced weaponry to gain the tiniest edge, but previous levels granted ol’ Robo a rocket launcher. This isn't funIs it even possible to improve on the destructive power of that old standby? (Please don’t tell me the answer to that, I’d prefer to sleep at night.) This all comes to a natural conclusion in “the vehicle stage”, wherein Robocop is piloting a futuristic (maybe) flying thing, and the goal of the level is to destroy twenty terminators before moving on. Can they really be called terminators anymore at that point, though? Aren’t they more… target practice?

And, unfortunately, it seems the Terminator franchise has followed the lead of this misbegotten Super Nintendo game. Terminators are no longer terminators, they are simply fodder for our rebellious humans to trick and humiliate. The days of invincible torsos are behind us, and a dramatically less invincible robot army explodes in its wake.

The dream is dead. The future has failed us.

(But that is pretty good news for Robocop.)

FGC #302 RoboCop Versus The Terminator

  • System: Super Nintendo for this review. There are also Gameboy, Game Gear, and Genesis versions available, too.
  • Number of players: Robocop is a singular hero. … I’m kind of surprised there wasn’t ever a Lady Robocop with an obtrusive ponytail. Meh, maybe in the animated series.
  • BoooPort-O-Call: Apparently the Genesis version takes the smarter route of focusing primarily on the present (not too distant future?) and a baddie or two from Robocop 2. Meanwhile the SNES version is pretty evenly split between past and future. The Gameboy version is all bad future… That is to say it is the worst possible future, one wherein videogames are absolutely abhorrent.
  • Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: Robocop is simultaneously built for videogames and… absolutely not. His jump is more of a hop (maybe even a skip), and he controls about as precisely as a walking corpse. That said, there’s the potential for a good game here… if it wasn’t wall to wall stupid mazes and lame traps. See also: B.O.B., Harley’s Humongous Adventure.
  • Favorite Boss: The first boss of the future area is a tank… that doesn’t move. It just sits there, and you shoot pieces off of it. The NES Technodrome was a more mobile threat!
  • Did you know? Meanwhile, the inspiration for Robocop’s prime directive of “serve the public trust” was inspired by… a fortune cookie. Robocop and Terminator come from very different places.
  • Would I play again: Nah. Another lame SNES platforming/action game that involves too many easily defeated robots. I’ll just play Mega Man X, thank you.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Nier Automata! Wow, now there’s a game about robot on robot violence. Please look forward to it!

Owie