Tag Archives: n64

FGC #366 Snowboard Kids

Here’s my video Christmas card for the year.

Enjoy the sleigh ride, everybody!

FGC #366 Snowboard Kids

  • WeeeeeSystem: Nintendo 64. And it was on the Playstation 1 in Japan? I had no idea.
  • Number of players: Four sounds like a lovely number for a N64 game.
  • Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: It’s like Mario Kart 64… if Mario Kart kind of sucked. Look, I really appreciate what they were trying to do here, but the way momentum works with the attack items really sucks for anyone going for the gold. We are well past the horrors of blue shells here: get hit by the dinkiest missile near the finish line, and you will never regain the momentum necessary to so much as finish the course. Okay, that’s a bit hyperbolic, but, as someone who tried to “conquer” this game back in the day, it sticks in my craw.
  • Other N64 Problems: This title is Controller Pak based. One day, I will find every last developer responsible for the Controller Pak, and I will *REMAINDER OF MESSAGE DELETED IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS*.
  • Say something nice: There is some great variety in the (nine) stages, and the fun park (Busy Land… get it?) containing basically every standard amusement attraction is certainly a fine design.
  • Favorite Character: So many characters with goggles! Makes it so hard to choose! I guess I won the most races with Jam, so there’s my pick.
  • Thirsty?Did you know? Most people know about Snowboard Kids 2 (which is vastly superior to SBK1, as it contains a robot), but there was also a Snowboard Kids game for Nintendo DS about seven years later. It wasn’t bad, but it was also anime as hell, so it gets a number of points in the negative column.
  • Would I play again: Nope! Mario Kart 64 is right there! It is slightly more technical, and it has a gorilla. Clear winner.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Mega Man X8! It’s a Megamas miracle! Please look forward to it!

FGC #351 Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards

Hashi no kahbi!Nintendo’s worst videogame system proves one simple truth: you can be yourself, or you can be something else, but you can’t be both.

The Nintendo 64 was Nintendo’s third console system. The Nintendo Entertainment System was synonymous with videogames, brought the entire industry back from the brink, and managed to turn Nintendo into an uncontested juggernaut of the industry. The Super Nintendo had to deal with the upstart Sega Genesis, but it was still home to some of the best games of the era, and a number of releases that, even to this day, unequivocally are the greatest hits of the medium. The Nintendo 64, though… the N64 got problems. It started with a rocky, anemic launch. It bled third-party support almost instantly. It never hosted a worthwhile JRPG when that genre defined the epoch. Its final first-party game was a scaled-up Gameboy title (I’ll save you some googling, it was Dr. Mario). There were some great games for the N64, but Ocarina of Time had to share shelf space with Turok: Rage Wars. The N64 made it hard to be a Nintendo fan.

But let’s take a step back and consider what being a “Nintendo fan” really meant at the time. We take it for granted nowadays, but the very concept of a “console war” didn’t seem to exist before the 16-bit era. The Atari didn’t seem to have any significant competitors, and the NES was videogames for the 80s. It wasn’t until the Sega Genesis decided it needed a chunk of that market share that the flames of “us vs. them” had to be fanned. Did you ever read Nintendo Power from that time? Or Sega Visions? What were already basically propaganda magazines decided to go all in on the most important battle of our time (hedgehogs vs. plumbers), and every other month you’d get new information on how blast processing isn’t even a real thing, riding a dinosaur is for babies, or the essential truth that so much as demoing a second videogame console is infidelity of the highest order. You cannot serve two masters, little gamer, and you should inflict this vital fact upon everyone on the playground.

ROCKYSo, by the time we hit the Playstation vs. N64 years, don’t worry, Nintendo Power, we got this. We know those vipers at Sony are trying to eat our lunch again with their Final Fantasies and Mega Mans and other franchises we used to enjoy on Nintendo systems, and we’ll defend you! We’re forever in debt to the Mushroom Kingdom, Hyrule, and Castlevania. Wait… they got a new Castlevania? And the N64 just has some dork with a chainsaw? Dude. Dude. Look, guys, I’ll keep playing Pokémon, but, uh, I gotta get going. Tekken is waiting, and it’s got a panda fighting a dinosaur.

And Nintendo noticed. Before the N64 was even released, it became clear that CD based systems were finally going to be the wave of the future (after a rocky bump in the road compliments of INXS), and the cartridge was to quickly go the way of Caveman Games. But Nintendo didn’t like the looks of load times, so we were forced to read the phrase “expensive cartridges” for the next five years. And then the Nintendo 64 launched with dopey Mario and frivolous Pilotwings. Wrong! We needed more big boy games for big boys, so we quickly received Cruisin’ USA, Mortal Kombat Trilogy, and Killer Instinct. Ah, yes, that’s the stuff. Mature games for a mature gaming community. And 2-D games are out of style, so we need all 3-D, all the time. It worked for Mario, so how about we get Donkey Kong into the 3rd dimension. And keep churning out those violent fighting games and grown-up shooters. It’s what the people want!

RAINBOW RIDEIt’s clear what happened here: Nintendo had a solid vision for the future of their console… and then “course corrected” to please the masses ten minutes before the system even launched. The controller with camera buttons and an analog stick wound up chasing the system that could be operated with one hand (say what you will about JRPGs, but they only require all of two buttons), and all those polygons decided to stumble over full motion video instead. What developers remained on the N64 were scrambling to match the cinematic experiences available on the Playstation, and the whole library became a mess of neither fish nor fowl nonsense. Look, I love Jet Force Gemini as much as the next guy, but you have to admit that, even that late in the N64’s lifespan, it comes off as pretty patchwork.

Which is a shame, because first party Nintendo games that followed the “Nintendo way” from the start are pretty amazing. Mario 64 feels like a natural progression of the franchise, and Ocarina of Time is right there with it. Mario Kart 64 refined (SNES) Mario Kart into solid gold, and Star Fox 64 truly used the new technology to turn a bunch of random shapes into a thrilling story of fox versus wolf. And Donkey Kong 64 isn’t responsible for any homicides (as far as we know)! And then we’ve got Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards

Kirby 64 is a 2-D platforming game not unlike many other Kirby adventures. It’s (incredibly disappointingly) much slower and less frantic than Kirby Super Star, but it is right about at normal Dreamland speed. Basically, if you liked any Kirby game featuring helpful hamsters, this adventure is about what you’d expect. There are doodads to acquire (a staple of both the N64 and slower Kirby titles), but, by and large, this is a very straightforward platformer. Move from left to right, occasionally climb a ladder, and have a ball utilizing Kirby’s eclectic moveset. Maybe you’ll eat a hedgehog? That’ll show those Sega dorks.

And, side note? This game is beautiful.

WeeeeeOkay, granted, it’s Playstation/N64 style beautiful, but it is still beautiful nonetheless. The pastels of Pop Star really pop, and everything moves just right. In spite of Kirby’s N64 Smash model, Kirby is actually spherical, and not a pile of edged polygons. Special effects from special powers may seem basic, but in the same manner that a Kirby Krackle can sell a comic book (uhhh… different Kirby), Kirby makes self-immolation look perfect across every system. Everything combines wonderfully, and, without a doubt, this is a game that is undeniably a gorgeous experience.

And this stands in stark contrast to every other N64 game.

N64 games are terrible looking. They contain some of the worst draw distances and fog warnings outside of H.P. Lovecraft. Their protagonists almost always look like they were carved out of some particularly unpleasant rocks by a partially blind sculptor (who maybe is missing a few fingers). Nobody ever moves right. Let’s face it, Majora’s Mask was a success because it identified that every last character populating N64 Hyrule was horrifying. And this happened to third and first party games alike: in an effort to ape the most popular games of the day, polygons and Vaseline were smeared everywhere, and suddenly our greatest heroes started resembling Tobor: The Refrigerator That Walks Like a Man.

Let's chillBut here’s Kirby, just doing the thing he’s always done. There is no attempt to force 3-D gameplay. There is no byzantine story mode. There is no desire to go full angry eyes. It’s just Kirby, a character that premiered on a system without so much as the possibility of color, scaled up to modern technology. It’s fun. It’s pretty. And it’s one of the best games on the N64.

And game reviewers of the time derided the game for being “too kiddy” and “a throwback”. One of the best games on the system, but “too easy”. It generally got great scores, but the expression “no Goldeneye” was thrown around a bit.

So… uh… I guess maybe don’t be yourself? Let’s stick to the blocky bitmaps. Gotta be popular.

FGC #351 Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards

  • System: N64. It also resurfaced on the Wii and WiiU, but I want to say it wasn’t on the super awesome Kirby collection released at the end of the Wii’s lifespan. … It was? Dammit! I turned on my N64 for nothing!
  • Number of players: One for the main gameplay, four for the inevitable minigame sections. Which reminds me…
  • What may have been: Early screenshots of this title seemed to indicate that it would have been four players, with Dedede, Waddle Dee, and Adeleine (the painter dude) filling the other playable slots. This would have been very consistent with N64’s emphasis on four player titles, and an excellent “upgrade” from the two player modes of Kirby Super Star. Alas, it was not to be, and was likely lost with the 64DD. And then we wouldn’t see a similar four player Kirby experience for eleven years.
  • Away we goFavorite Power: All this talk of Pretty Soldier Kirby and I didn’t even mention the main hook for the title: combining powers. Mix cutter and fire to build a flaming sword! Ice and needle to make a deadly snowflake! And rock and spark to make a… lightbulb? Whatever. What’s important is that bomb plus needle will transform Kirby into an invincible Gordo monster, and that’s been a dream since Kirby’s first adventure. Show those jerks who’s the spikiest, Kirby!
  • So, did you beat it? This is one of the rare N64 games that I didn’t finish while the system was fresh (because, admittedly, I was playing those more “mature” JRPGs at the time), but 100%’ed well past its initial release. It’s that good! Or Kirby is that good! Or I have OCD! It’s one of those!
  • Turn the lights off: You ever notice that Kirby seems to see a release toward the end of the system’s lifespan? Kirby 3, Kirby 64, and even Kirby’s Dream Collection were all practically the last boats out of their respective systems. Weird. Anyway, look forward to Kirby Battle Royale for the 3DS!
  • Did you know? The familiar “Kirby dance” does not appear at any point in this game, as worlds end with Kirby waving to the screen instead of dancing. Maybe he just noticed the player, and got self conscious?
  • Would I play again: It’s on the short list of N64 games I enjoy playing, so that’s a yes. I… I think all the rest are all Nintendo games, too. What a weird little system.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Bloody Roar 3 for the Playstation 2! Roar! And… Blood! Please look forward to it!

We've got a runner

FGC #335 Rayman 2: The Great Escape

And now a comprehensive list of videogame consoles that support Rayman 2, and whether or not they ever needed Rayman 2.

Nintendo 64 (11/6/99)

DONT DO ITIt all started here… Rayman 2: The Great Escape is a 3-D platforming collectathon that premiered on the N64. This is appropriate, as the N64 was home to some of the most collecty collectathons that ever collected. Remember Donkey Kong 64? Jet Force Gemini? … Probably other Rare games? The N64 was made for either 3-D collectathons or racing games (and Diddy Kong Racing, the first racing collectathon), so one might assume this would be a good place for Rayman’s collectathon. Rayman was basically a 16-bit platforming mascot on the previous system, so aping Mario 64 on the next gen seemed only natural.

Of course, the downside to this is that Rayman 2 had to compete with the previously mentioned Mario 64. Good luck with that! Don’t worry, Rayman, it’s not your fault. Pretty much no one could compete with the raw joy of Mario skipping and hopping around a perfect wonderland built perfectly for his stubby little plumber legs, and no amount of quirky British humor was going to change that. And it probably doesn’t help that Mario’s robust moveset is right there from the moment Lakitu clicks on his camera, while Rayman feels sluggish and woefully underequipped for most of his journey. It’s a poor first impression, and that’s not so great when Mario 64 is inevitably right there. Never compete with the launch title, kiddies!

Did the N64 need Rayman 2? This is a firm “maybe”. On one hand, the N64 needed more games, as it was Nintendo’s first foray into the fun and frightening world of supporting a console almost exclusively with first and second party releases. On the other hand, Mario 64 is arguably the greatest 3-D platforming game of the generation, and no gang of mechanical pirates is ever going to change that. So I guess Rayman 2 is good for the N64 if you want a decent platforming game, but don’t want to make eye contact with Jolly Roger Bay.

Dreamcast (3/21/00)

Here we go!Okay, now we’re talking. The N64’s release list was anemic, but it looked like a bloodbath next to Dreamcast’s “twelve fighting games, and, I don’t know, that one game with the mice” output. And the Dreamcast controller! Do you see that analogue stick there? You know that is meant to assist with rad analogue movement, right? Did that come in handy in Street Fighter 3? SoulCalibur? A third Dreamcast game I haven’t already mentioned? No, it was there for Sonic Adventure, and then ignored for the rest of forever. The Dreamcast was practically made for at least one sweet 3-D platformer! And here’s one sweet 3-D platformer! Yay!

Did the Dreamcast need Rayman 2? Absolutely. The Dreamcast version of Rayman 2 is improved in every way (particular in the camera way), and it’s a great match for the system. With no Mario to compete with, Rayman shines (but does not collect Shines), and the emphasis on strafing/shooting is a lot more tolerable when you can see what you’re doing. The visuals are much improved, too. Rayman N64 is a clunky mishmash of 2-D and 3-D, but Rayman 2 DC feels 100% 3-D all the way. Couple this with a dearth of options on the Dreamcast, and it seems like these two failures were made for each other.

Playstation (8/31/00)

SPEAK!You gotta recoup your losses somehow. Rayman 2 was never meant for the tiny discs of the Playstation, and it shows. The graphics took a hit falling from the grace of the Dreamcast, 200 collectible whatsits are entirely missing, and a handful of levels are just gone. But on the plus side, there’s voice acting! So now you can sit around and wait for the damn tutorial… thing to finish its speech about properly pressing the R1 button. Progress! Has any game ever been enhanced by characters suddenly gaining the ability to talk? I love you all, Sonic, Samus, and Rayman, but I’m pretty sure you’d all be better off in the silent protagonist camp. Or at least just speaking Sims.

Did the Playstation need Rayman 2? I guess that if this was your only console, this would have been your only route to Rayman. I suppose there’s something noble about that. However, it seems that this is more a case of Ubisoft needing the Playstation, as both the N64 and Dreamcast were not well received consoles, while the Playstation had an install base of every cool kid on Earth. This is a severely compromised port, but it was likely more than worth it to get a few bucks off the Tony Hawk crowd (I assume that if you love being radical, you love Rayman). Of course, it would have probably all made a lot more sense if Ubisoft just waited for…

Playstation 2 (1/30/01)

Move alongOh, I get it. They had to get a Rayman out in the US before Christmas. Five months after the Playstation release, the Playstation 2 got Rayman 2. Wait, no, not Rayman 2, now it’s Rayman: Revolution, so as to properly trip up anyone with the kind of brain disease that encourages buying every last Rayman title. At least this seems to be the apex of Rayman 2 upgrades, as now we have voice acting, all the levels, all new levels, one extra Lum, and a hub world to replace the “world map” of previous versions. Your mileage may vary on whether or not any of these upgrades actually improve the game, but more is always better… right?

Did the Playstation 2 need Rayman 2? This is a better fit than the Playstation 1 version, and all of the new bells and whistles are certainly nice. On the other disembodied hand, though, this game was released almost a full year after the launch of the PS2, and that’s about a full year past when a system should be supporting ports from the previous generation. This is still a game that isn’t quite at Banjo Kazooie levels of playability, and it should be completely ignored in favor of other big Playstation 2 releases, like The Bouncer.

Gameboy Color (1/1/02)

This one barely counts, but I suppose it should be noted for posterity. This is a 2-D platforming game, and is an entirely new experience. An entirely new experience that has the exact same plot, but gameplay is king here on Gogglebob.com, so we’re sticking to our assessment. What’s important is that this is not a Gameboy Advance title, but a Gameboy Color release. Remember the Gameboy Color? It could barely support Super Mario Bros. I wouldn’t hold out much hope for… Oh my God, this thing looks like it was made in MS Paint.

NO!

Did the Gameboy Color need Rayman 2? I don’t even understand why this game is Rayman 2. Couldn’t they have just made this its own thing? Rayman and The Pirate’s Curse? I don’t know, something like that. Was it really worth preserving (and sullying) the Rayman 2 extended universe? And does this game do absolutely anything for the Gameboy Color? Not on your life. Let those Lums die.

Nintendo DS (3/25/05)

Up we goWe thought we were safe, but three years later, Rayman 2 returned. After somehow skipping the Gameboy Advance, Rayman followed Mario 64 back down to the DS. This is a port of the N64 game, so can anyone confirm if the DS was somehow running on N64 parts? Seems like we got a lot of N64 ports on that little system, and it can’t just be because the world wanted to see a version of Star Fox 64 that wasn’t slathered in the N64 fog. Regardless, this is N64 Rayman 2 all over again, so most of the improvements seen on the intervening systems are nowhere to be found. Like Mario 64 DS, touch controls where implemented to compensate for the lack of an analogue nub. … Which was just another way to copy Mario…

Did the Nintendo DS need Rayman 2? Same N64 game, same N64 problem. Just play Mario 64! It’s right there! Available right from the launch! Or play that damn Yoshi game! Don’t play Rayman 2! You’re encouraging the wrong kind of behavior!

iOS (3/1/10)

It’s the Dreamcast game! But with touch controls! UGGGGGGGGGH.

Did iOS need Rayman 2? UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Nintendo 3DS (3/22/11)

So hot!How does this keep happening!? It’s been twelve years! You already had a Nintendo portable system, Rayman 2, you didn’t need another one! Couldn’t Ubisoft have pinched out a Rabbids title? Maybe upscale the GBC release for a little variety? No, this is the Dreamcast release, again, but now with minor 3-D features. Is Rayman 2 somehow this beloved? It has to launch with another damn system? Another damn system that already plays better games? Why does Rayman 2 keep coming back? Are robot pirates eating things they should not eat that perennial? WHY?!

Did the 3DS need need Rayman 2? Are people still buying Firefly Blu-Rays? Like, they were already discounted down to $10 two decades ago, and the show got cancelled after a season, and, like, it’s cool that you still support the series, but… we’ve moved on. The franchise has moved on. Everyone has moved on. It’s over. Let it go. Let it rest. Some things are best just… done. Go collect 999 Lums somewhere else.

FGC #335 Rayman 2: The Great Escape

  • System: Did you read the article? Note that all images are from either the N64 or PS2 version (and one GBC shot). I ain’t playin’ anymore Rayman 2 than that.
  • Did I miss anybody? I guess the PS2 version is available on PS3. Also, the PSX version is available on PS3. Huh. I wonder if that’s just for Rayman purists.
  • Number of players: Just one Rayman.
  • Yay!Say something nice: No matter the version, I do enjoy Rayman interacting with the weird little denizens of his world. This is clearly the company that would eventually give us a gaggle of Rabbids.
  • Sexual Dimorphism is a Scourge: I’m not even going to touch the difference between the traditional (male) Rayman, Globox, or Pirate vs. your average fairy. Actually, is there a female Rayman-looking creature anywhere in the series? Nothing immediately comes to mind.
  • Did you know? Apparently the 3DS (and hopefully final) version of Rayman 2 includes at least one glitch that makes collecting all of the Lums completely impossible. This is important, because it indicates that not even the producers of Rayman 2 are playing through these ports anymore.
  • Would I play again: Did I mention that this game was outclassed when it was first released two decades ago? Rayman 2’s time was over before it began, and I’m not going to waste any more of my time on it.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… World Heroes Anthology! Let’s gather up all the heroes of time… and make ‘em fight! Please look forward to it!

FGC #283 Paperboy (N64)

Welcome to HellWhen I was a young boy, my father forced me to get a job. There weren’t many places that would hire a child, so I became a paperboy. Thus, for two years, I had to wake up at the crack of dawn, bike down to the newspaper office, pick up a stack of papers (that was easily heavier than I was), and deliver papers all through the neighborhood. There was no way to enjoy this. If I failed to deliver to the right house on time, I was punished. If I delivered to the wrong house, I was punished. And, of course, if I was late to school because of some stupid dog or a particularly chatty old lady, I was punished there, too. Every morning, in the scorching heat or the freezing cold, I was out there delivering papers, while my contemporaries slept, cozy and unemployed in their beds. “Surely,” I thought to myself for two endless years, “This job must be Hell.”

In time, I grew older, and finally graduated to a job that could at least be done inside and at a reasonable hour. And, while I may have cursed his name for a number of reasons over the years, I suppose my father’s lesson did pay off, as I learned I never, ever wanted to have another job outside performing manual labor ever again. I went to college. I got degrees. I became a white collar professional, and, while I may have had to step over a few broken bodies to attain excellence, I eventually found myself quite content with my station in life. And, if I may say so, watching print media slowly die did offer me some small amount of schadenfreude, even if it meant I couldn’t push my own children into the same “cycle” my father started. I suppose that may have been a good thing.

Though I guess I didn’t do enough good things, as, upon my death, I found myself in Hell.

And, with no explanation whatsoever, I found myself back on that same bicycle, back in that same neighborhood, back with those same papers. I was a boy on his paper route, again, and damned to be one for all of eternity.

WIN!At first, everything was pretty straightforward: I pedaled down familiar streets, delivered papers to expectant subscribers, and then, when I was done, I was forced back to the newspaper office to start the process all over again. Sometimes the weather would change, sometimes I would be told different homes were my targets, but, more or less, it was what I remembered. Then… things started to change. The first major switch-up was that the newspaper office outright disappeared. I suppose some infernal demon realized I could actually take a whole five minute break while I was picking up fresh papers, so, nope, I’m stuck pedaling forever, my calves growing more swollen by the day. Now I have to pick up new bundles of papers from the streets themselves, and, should I run out, I’m chastised just the same as when I miss a house (or damage a window or pedestrian… I admit I may have initially tried to… rattle the chains of my captors). What’s more, the “hazards” of my childhood have all come to revisit me continually, so I am faced with marauding dogs and vicious neighbors. I am nearly mowed down by an errant car every other minute. What’s more, I am beset by dangers I only imagined in my mundane childhood, like statues that spew flames, or the specter of Death himself. I know… in my rational mind… I know that I am already dead… but still… that pale, ghastly visage continues to haunt me.

But this… even this I could get used to. The punishments, the monsters… it did become what was simply my life (or my afterlife, as the case may be). I’d bike down the same streets, deliver the same papers, and that was it. It was Hell, but it was my Hell, and I expect that could be enough.

But this is Hell. They found a way to make it worse. After fifteen years, I was inflicted with the greatest punishment they could imagine: freedom.

OwieMy route had always been a straight line. I would pedal down endless streets and deliver endless papers. It was distressing, but, after a while, I learned that it required very little thinking. I’d keep my eye out for my targets, and if I missed, that was that. I did everything I could, after all.

But now… now they decided to grant me autonomy. Horrible, mind-destroying free-will.

I realized the change almost immediately: I could now pedal in any direction. I could turn around. I could visit the other side of the street. I could… jump. At first, I was elated. “Finally,” I thought, “Someone thinks I’ve paid my dues. I might still be stuck down here, but I’m not stuck in that awful, robotic rut. I can do whatever I want!” But, no, the reality of my unreality quickly caught up with me. I still had to deliver papers. I still had to dodge homicidal dogs. I still had to do everything I did before, but now I was granted the teeniest, tiniest taste of independence… only to be doomed to never enjoy it. I still had a strict, condemning time limit. I could leap my bike over ramps, feel the wind in my hair, and enjoy my existence for once… but if I did that… If I spent too long on pleasure… then the pain… the punishments would be even worse. And then I would have to start the whole route over again, knowing full well that the “fun stuff” was there and available, but experiencing it again would mean… I don’t want to think about it.

Hell… Hell had become more hellish.

Might as wellAnd they taunted me even more! Where once I was constrained to my old, familiar neighborhood, now I was forced to deliver papers in more exotic locales. A trailer park might not seem like anyone’s idea of a vacation, but the smell of barbecue and kids playing outside while you’re stuck pedaling and pedaling is… cruel. And then I was forced to deliver at a camp ground! And the beach! When I eventually found myself in a dark, monster-infested town, complete with Frankenstein’s Monster and a vampire or two, I thought someone was just plain running out of ideas. But I didn’t have time to think that for long, as now I was being chased by dogs with three heads. And then I was back to my old neighborhood again, forced to relive the loop of changing neighborhoods until I delivered enough papers.

But it’s never enough. I can never satisfy the quotas. I can never escape this Hell. I will be here… I will be here forever.

I am the paperboy now, and that’s all I will ever be.

FGC #283 Paperboy (N64)

  • System: Probably N64. Let me check here… Yep! N64.
  • Number of players: There can be only one paperboy.
  • Or Papergirl: Oh, yes, the game does offer you the option of being a papergirl. It’s kind of weird that most of the Papergirl’s canned voice clips compare herself to Paperboy, though. Eat your heart out, Paperboy, indeed.
  • LaboratoryMaybe actually talk about the game for a second: It’s an attempt to make the original Paperboy more of a “modern” (circa 1999) game, but… it doesn’t really work so well. The original Paperboy is basically a shoot ‘em up with an unusual premise and perspective, and attempting to add collectibles and “free roaming” is about as effective as making a Gradius game that plays like Mario 64. This actually may have been an impressive concept back in the bygone past of the 20th Century; but nowadays, it’s right up there with Atari revivals like Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure. Oh, also, it’s ugly as hell.
  • And there are bosses: Yes, there are bosses in a game about delivering papers. Yes, the bosses are simple “throw papers at the weak point” affairs. Yes, it is completely boring and flimsy.
  • Favorite Neighborhood: Pelican Beach has friendly dolphins! Or it should!
  • Did you know? Neither Paperboy nor Papergirl wear a helmet while delivering papers. This is dangerously unsafe.
  • Would I play again: I compared the game to an eternal hell. What do you think?

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Drakengard 3 for the Playstation 3! Let’s drag this dragoon into fun times! Please look forward to it!