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FGC #423 Super Smash Bros.

Please join special guest artist Pooch and myself in examining the deadly sins of the Smash Bros.

Lust, Sin of Donkey Kong

This is where it all started for the Nintendo empire: an ape that really, really wants to sling a random woman over his shoulder and carry her Arceus-knows-where. But there is little question what Donkey Kong is going to do when he gets there! He’s a big, naked ape, and she’s a beauty worthy of a Jump Man’s gaze… we already know what happens if you fail to climb that construction site. Donkey Kong Juniors don’t just pop out of eggs! Sure, one could claim this is all borrowed imagery from King Kong, but King Kong didn’t just stand next to Fay Wray beating his chest and smiling all day.

Of course, this interpretation is primarily based on DK’s maiden voyage, and not his later games. You know, the titles where he tries to save his bananas from being devoured by toothy crocodiles. Come to think of it, Freud might have a thing or two to say about that. And that’s even before you get to the part about him banging his bongos

Gluttony, Sin of Yoshi

Yoshi must consume.

He? She? It. It is an eating machine from the absolute moment it is hatched. Give or take a flutter jump, it seems the only way a Yoshi burns excess calories is by producing hollow, projectile eggs. Everything else is ingested, and the difference between delicious fruit and a screaming koopa troopa means nothing to this unrelenting lizard. All is sustenance to Yoshi, all must be consumed, and that never stops from cradle to an inevitably oversized grave. There’s a reason a certain plumber recently seems to leave his “noble” steed at a stage’s goal post; if a Yoshi were to traverse the entire Mushroom Kingdom, the nation would become nothing more than a reptile’s pizza topping.

Envy, Sin of Kirby

Yoshi is an animal. Kirby is unappeasable desire.

Kirby started as yet another 2-D platforming hero at a time when such a mascot character was produced roughly every seventeen seconds. However, Kirby was very different from his brethren, as he had amazing skills right from the moment he awakened. Projectiles? Just a matter of sucking in literally anything that is readily available, including plain air. Extra health? Pep bottles and Maxim Tomatoes grow on trees. Even flight, the most coveted of all platformer powerups? Well, ya don’t need any raccoon tails for this cream puff.

But it wasn’t enough for Kirby. Kirby needed more.

As of Kirby’s Adventure, Kirby gained the ability to copy the skills and powers of his opponents. Later adventures granted Kirby the talent to use multiple skills at once, combine them, or even convert his stolen skills into living assistants. Whom… he could devour again later. Why would he do that? Because Kirby can only have so many abilities at one time, and what is this ability compared to that ability right over there. Who cares if that power is attached to an ally?

And “must have it all” is such an integral part of Kirby that it followed him to Smash Bros. It has shadowed him straight through the series, and, as of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, Kirby is capable of gaining nearly 75 different abilities from every last fighter.

But, of all those abilities, Kirby can only use one at a time…

And Luigi is standing right over there…

Is he even using that fireball? I bet Kirby could use it better…

Greed, Sin of Link

Link is often portrayed as a simple boy who claims the sword of a hero, heroically challenges a malevolent despot, and eventually saves an entire kingdom from an awful, certainly pork-scented fate. Link has gone by many names, but often earns a title such as “Hero of Time” or “Hero of the Wilds”.

He also earns literally more rupees than he can carry.

And enough food to feed the kingdom.

And treasure from literally every tomb, crypt, well, dungeon, and castle for miles.

And, in the end, the entire royal family owes him a debt.

And then he reclaims a magical wishing triangle that will gratefully grant him anything he wants.

And to think, he was already looking greedy when he decided he needed two hookshots

Sloth, Sin of Pikachu

Now we shall consult the Pokedex, Book of Oak, Chapter 25:

25:1 When several of these Pokémon gather, their electricity could build and cause lightning storms. … 25:8 This intelligent Pokémon roasts hard Berries with electricity to make them tender enough to eat. .. 25:11 It stores electricity in the electric sacs on its cheeks. When it releases pent-up energy in a burst, the electric power is equal to a lightning bolt.

So, to summarize, Pikachu is smart, generates electricity, can summon lightning storms, and can readily expel the power of a lightning bolt. Assuming a lightning bolt’s one billion joules of energy can be properly converted and utilized, that’s enough juice to power a lightbulb for six months. Assuming Pikachu only has a charge that powerful once day (and can’t be infinitely restored in seconds at a local Pokémon Center), a single one of those shock rats could power a city with approximately one minute’s worth of effort a day.

But what does Pikachu do?

Well, let’s just say that the coming energy shortage and associated apocalypse isn’t bothering the yellow mouse one iota. Pikachu has a party hat, and he’s going to use it, dammit.

Pride, Sin of Fox McCloud

James McCloud lost his life to the betrayal of Pigma Dengar, and failed to stop Andross, a mad scientist that sought to conquer the entire Lylat System. Fox McCloud thus inherited a gigantic starship, and the massive debt incurred by the production of such a craft. Fox, strapped for cash and perhaps anxious for a little vengeance, decided to fight back against Andross’s forces, and gathered the Star Fox team to save the galaxy.

And he did!

By himself!

Yes, Fox McCloud may have flown with Peppy, Falco, and Slippy, but who was the one that saved their Arwing’s asses every time they got into a scrape? Fox even piloted an experimental submarine just to show some random marine biology who’s boss. And did the whole team battle the giant floating brain of Andross? Nope. Just Fox. So is it any wonder that when Dinosaur Planet was threatened eight years later, Fox was alone in a rotting ship with a rusted out robot? Of course not. Why would Fox ever ask for help? He saved the damn universe! All by himself!

Team Star Fox has reassembled on occasion, but history has proven it will always be undone by the pride of Fox McCloud. Yes, he’s an ace pilot, but what is the cost of being “the best”? Fox could never maintain a permanent relationship with his closest friends. Fox could never maintain a real relationship with the princess that once left her planet for him. If ROB wasn’t bolted to the Great Fox, Fox would be completely alone in the very universe he saved.

No friends, no items, just Fox, alone, at his final destination.

Wrath, Sin of Samus Aran

Samus Aran is murder incarnate. She has committed genocide at least once, and, in the event said genocide doesn’t take, she gets the call to commit some good ol’ fashioned clone genocide. She has also eliminated fellow bounty hunters that were infected by phazon, and took no time waiting to see if a vaccine for such a condition was even possible. Oh, and there’s the little matter of how she was duplicated by her prey twice, and both times the “evil twin” was exactly as destructive as OG Samus. The “Dark” Samuses were just pointed in an inconvenient direction…

And then there’s the matter of Ridley. Ridley is a space pirate that has committed his share of sins, up to and including killing (and maybe devouring) Samus’s parents. Obviously, he should be punished for such an act. In retribution, should he be killed? That’s a question for the philosophers. But should he be killed over and over, at least four times, by the same person? That seems a bit excessive. And then cloned, reborn as an infant, and forced to desperately survive on the same space station as the hunter that killed him in the first place? That’s not a punishment, that’s a horror movie. And Samus is the pure, unstoppable vision of wrath they put on the poster.

Mario… who… uh…

Um… Mario is pretty alright. Hrm. Guess not everybody is a bad smash brother…

FGC #423 Super Smash Bros.

  • Here come the brosSystem: We’re technically just profiling the original N64 release here… so that one. It was the N64! This might be the most important Nintendo franchise to come out of that system. Or the only franchise to start on that system…
  • Number of players: Super Smash Bros. completely justifies all four N64 controller ports. Mario Kart and Goldeneye are pretenders to the throne.
  • Special Thanks/Credit: Once again, the venerable Pooch is responsible for the art of this article. All of it! Except the screenshots! Duh! Hit Pooch up for some commissioned art when you have a chance. Mention this article and get a resounding, “What? Really?”
  • Speaking of Art: Check out that box art.

    Poor lighting

    Link looks so confused!

  • Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: It is rather amazing how much of “Smash Bros.” was right here at the beginning. They might not be distinct modes, but the start of things like Smash Run or Endless Smash is obvious in the single player campaign, and every bit of the presentation seems like a prototype for the eventual celebration of gaming that Smash Bros. would become. Even the intro seems overtly cinematic… for an N64 game, at least.
  • Favorite Character: It’s Samus Aran. It’s always Samus Aran.
  • Follow your Dreams: According to an interview from 2008 (Brawl time) Sakurai initially just wanted to make a new, four-player fighting game with original characters (apparently it would be called… Dragon King? Isn’t that already a JRPG?). Unfortunately, he knew that new fighting games had a rough time attracting an audience, so he “borrowed” a few Nintendo heavies to put together a demo. Nintendo didn’t approve the project (or the characters being tossed into smash world) until a demo featuring Mario, Samus, Donkey Kong, and Star Fox was presented. And the rest is videogame history.
  • FINISHCome to think of it…: That means “out of his Arwing Star Fox” was created for the demo, and Sakurai didn’t go for an already more established 2-D character (like Yoshi). Of course, it’s not like he was going to throw Ness in there, and Kirby wasn’t exactly meant for polygons…
  • Ridley is too big: Ridley appears in the background of the Zebes stage. With his appearance in the opening of Melee, and his status as a boss in Brawl and 4, it’s pretty clear that his turn as a starring character in Ultimate was an inevitability.
  • Did you know? According to the credits and my ears, the Pokémon of this title all use the original 4Kids English voices. That is why Jigglypuff sounds so… right.
  • Would I play again: That’s a good question! It’s weird how Super Smash Bros. feels simultaneously like every other Smash title, and also its own thing. Each character seems to have at least one overpowered move (thank you, Pikachu lightning), and the balance is completely insane as a result. Why play with this old, broken man when there’s a better boy right there on the Switch? On the other hand, the nostalgia here is strong, and it’s always fun to PK Lightning smash a piranha plant. So hard to decide!

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Brain Dead 13 for the Playstation! From famous franchises to… not so much. Please look forward to it!

Poor petey

FGC #362 The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild: Champion’s Ballad

Note: This article contains spoilers for the Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild Champion’s Ballad DLC. And regular Breath of the Wild, too. Please be aware.

Zelda!“DLC” has become something of a dirty word of late. Actually, that’s a lie. DLC has always been a dirty word. The mere concept that a videogame producer would choose to “double dip” and charge the poor player for further experiences when sixty buckaroos have already been spent is repulsive to a certain vocal subset of the population. And, honestly, that kind of thinking could be understandable. After all, gaming went through a solid couple of decades before a game ever requested a little more scratch to keep the lights on, and it’s not like Super Metroid ever needed a season pass to be more of a masterpiece. DLC, almost at its core, sounds like a scam, and people are right to be resistant to any profit model that asks for more and more from the consumer.

That said? The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild’s Champion’s Ballad DLC is exactly why DLC is great.

For anyone curious about Champion’s Ballad, but either unable or uninterested in downloading the DLC, here’s a complete run down of what happens…

FGC #278 Bronkie the Bronchiasaurus

Bronkie the Bronchiasaurus is an abysmal platforming game for the SNES. It has floaty controls, terrible stage design, and, despite having the entire prehistoric period to draw upon, populates its lousy levels with the least interesting group of sad little wannabe mascots this side of the last Sunsoft release. BtB is an awful game, but I can’t completely fault it, because it’s trying to help kids with asthma. Mind you, it’s not doing a very good job at that either, but sometimes it’s enough to see your malady, disability, or just plain “otherness” normalized. Superman and Batman don’t have asthma, but Bronkie does, and he manages to (ineptly) save his planet. It’s okay to have asthma! You can still do anything! Videogames told me so!

Which brings us to the sad, true topic of today’s post. Gentle readers, I think it’s time you knew the truth. I, Goggle Bob, have a disability.

I am left-handed.

It’s very difficult to be left-handed. The world is made for the right-handed, and even the most basic of tools are often aimed at the more dominant majority. Everyone knows about the trials of using the “wrong” kind of scissors, but have you ever had the pleasure of using a right-handed gravy ladle in your left hand? It makes properly pouring sauces impossible, and, as someone that subsists almost entirely on gravy, there is something distinctly dehumanizing about being denied even the most basic of (animal fat-soaked) meals. And then there’s the whole mentor thing: want to learn how to properly hit the ball or play guitar? Sorry, you’re going to spend the next couple of years trying to find just one experienced lefty for tutoring, and by the time that quest is complete, you won’t even remember why you started in the first place (reminder to self: it was to pick up chicks). Being left-handed is hard!

ArghBut there is hope. There are many famous and successful left-handed people. Oprah? Left-handed. Bill Gates? Left-handed. Clinton, Bush, Obama? Lefty, lefty, lefty. There are even some excellent, unexpected left-handed idols throughout history; we’ve got Hendrix, Van Gough, Curie, and Aristotle. Nietzsche slayed God with his left hand, and Napoleon changed European road safety forever with his left paw. And there are great fictional lefties in entertainment, too, like John McClane, Rocky, Arya Stark, Fluttershy, and half the Simpsons cast. They might not be local, but it’s not hard to find a lefty to look up to somewhere in the world, whether it be reality or fiction.

Well, except maybe in videogames.

The first videogame I really remember noting a character’s dominant hand is Final Fantasy 4. Most of the characters in that adventure are right-handed, but one of the earliest introduced warriors is Kain Highwind, a left-handed dragoon. That’s cool! He can jump and fly and wears awesome armor and… oh, wait, he’s a traitor. Twice. He’s endangering the world exclusively so he can make out with his best friend’s girlfriend, and, incidentally, he’s left-handed. FEARSo we’re back to lefty equals evil? Wow, how progressive, Square. How about Final Fantasy 4: The After Years? That game introduced about 10,000 new, original, useless characters whom we must pilfer, anybody new to the playable cast a lefty? Yep! We’ve got… Golbez. The other guy that spent all of Final Fantasy 4 trying to destroy the world. Boo, Final Fantasy 4. Boo.

Of course, there are some of you that are likely champing at the bit to smack that comment button and inform this lefty that I’ve missed the most prominent left-handed videogame character of all time: Link of The Legend of Zelda. And, a few years ago, I would have been right there with you: Shigeru Miyamoto, creator of Mario, Zelda, and Olimar, is left-handed, and, presumably in a bout of narcissism, made Link, the hero of Hyrule, a lefty as well. And that tradition continued with aplomb until Twilight Princess, when the “sword hand” matched the player’s right wiimote, and Link was transformed into a righty. However, this switch also caused all of Hyrule to become mirrored for the length of Link’s adventure, so it was kind of forgiven. This is just bizarro Hyrule, nothing unusual about that, of course Link is a righty in this world. But then it happened again in Skyward Sword, and the world didn’t even flip that time. First Link in Hyrule recorded history, and he’s a righty for some reason. And then we got Breath of the Wild, and now he’s right-handed again, and there’s not a wiimote/motion control excuse, he’s just, ya know, right-handed, like normal people. But don’t worry, lefties! Hyrule Warriors introduced an all-new left-handed character to compensate: Cia, the evil twin that is trying to take over the world so she can get laid! Yay! Another shining example of the menacing left!

BAMThough it’s interesting that Hyrule Warriors, with a properly left-handed Link and Cia, allows for an actual lefty vs. lefty battle. That hardly ever happens, as, if you’ve got one (likely evil) left-handed character on the roster, you don’t need any more diversity hires. As an easy example, Soda Popinski is the one southpaw boxer in Punch-Out, so we don’t need another one (even though Little Mac is clearly based on lefty Rocky). And that one lefty is usually meant to be an evil twin of the more virtuous, right-handed hero. A right hand grips the Buster Sword, but the Masamune is firmly grasped only in the left (thanks again, Final Fantasy!). But there is one franchise that occasionally allows two lefties to be seen on the same stage: Soulcalibur. Here, we have both the villainous Nightmare and the villainous Raphael using their left… Wait, dammit… There are like sixty heroes and seven bad guys in that series, and our only two left-handed characters are both evil? Argh…

There are heroic lefties, of course. We’ve got sometimes Link. We’ve got box-art Crono. We’ve got Dunban of Xenoblade… who is only using his left hand because his right arm has been effectively destroyed through right-handed heroism. Um… huh. So you’re either evil, or it’s a handicap? Wonderful. Being left-handed is wonderful.

We got any other left-handed heroes lying around here?

Nero, the bastard of the franchise

You bastard! You destroyed the franchise and made me play the same stupid game twice!

So ya know what? You got asthma? That sucks, and I feel for ya. But at least you got a pair of platforming dinosaurs to make you feel better. The best us lefties ever got was an elf that got promoted to right-handedness when he got popular.

Hey, gaming, I’m saluting you with my left hand right now, but I’m only using one finger.

FGC #278 Bronkie the Bronchiasaurus

  • System: Super Nintendo. Maybe we can put together a petition to get this one on the Virtual Console. I’m sure we’d be able to get a whole six signatures.
  • Number of players: The headlining dinosaur is actually part of a duo. You have the choice between Bronkie and Trakie the Triceratops. I’m assuming Trakie is supposed to be female, but I’m dinosaur-racist, so I can’t really tell the difference between a boy lizard and a girl lizard.
  • Wanna get high? Seriously, there’s no other explanation for what is happening here:

    Dude

    Is this what the cool kids call vaping?

  • Pedantry Corner: Yes, I am aware Palom of Final Fantasy 4 is also left-handed. However, I’m not exactly aware which one of the twins, Palom or Porom, is actually Palom. And that’s the problem.
  • Back to Bronkie: Every stage contains at least two trivia questions about asthma. I’m pretty sure some of the “wrong” answers could lead to dead kids… and those wrong answers might wind up sticking in young minds… so maybe this game isn’t the best thing for children.
  • Did you know? Wavequest produced this game for children with asthma, but it also created Packy and Marlon, a game for kids with diabetes. And the stars of that game are elephants. I… feel like that is maybe a subtle insult.
  • Would I play again? Absolutely not. Reread the first paragraph for more details, but this game is so boring, it’s sinister.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… The Walking Dead by Telltale Games! Time for decisions, zombies, and decisions about zombies. Please look forward to it!

NOOOOO

FGC #272 Nintendo Land

Looks like a chess piece...The WiiU is dead. Time for a post mortem.

Nintendo Land had some big shoes to fill. Wii Sports, the game that launched the phenomenal Wii, was maybe the most successful launch game of all time (eat it, Duck Hunt). It was an amazing introduction to the system… and… uh… it was also a complete failure. Wii Sports is good! Unfortunately, it was so good, that many people bought the Wii exclusively for Wii Sports, and never purchased another game. This would simply be kind of annoying for Microsoft or Sony, but Nintendo actually makes software for their hardware, and if someone is buying the hardware but none of the following five years of software… that ain’t no good. And Wii Sports was an excellent showcase for everyone’s favorite Miis, but it didn’t include so much as a Mario cameo, left alone the obvious Punch-Out tie-in over in Wii Boxing. In short, Wii Sports was a marvelous system seller, but a terrible Nintendo seller.

So the course was clear for the WiiU: Nintendo needed a new killer app to sell its system with all those exciting new WiiU features, and it needed a game that featured all the new (old) friends you’d make on the WiiU, like Mario and Olimar. Nintendo has been making videogames for twelve billion years, so this should be a walk in the (Nintendo Land) park, right? Heck, let’s throw in a new mascot character that is a talking TV screen for some damn reason! Nothing is more exciting than a literally two dimensional rectangle with an annoying voice!

Of course, I am writing this article from a dystopian future where the WiiU is done. The Switch is now king, and Miiverse is a sad shell of its former glory (though still talking about Splatoon, for some reason). Nintendo apparently has no plans to release first party games on the WiiU ever again, and the only thing on the WiiU release schedule is… Cars 3: Driven to Win. I don’t think that’s going to push any systems. Whether the WiiU was a success or not, what’s important is that it is now dead. Sweet dreams, WiiU, may paratroopas lead you in.

But we’ve still got Nintendo Land sitting here, so let’s see if any of the various minigames involved were at all relevant to the WiiU and its general trajectory.

Yoshi’s Fruit Cart

CHOMPThe Game: It’s everyone’s favorite thing! A game that deliberately hobbles your view so as to create a challenge out of nothing! Hooray!

WiiU Relevance: In a way, this is the prototype for Kirby and the Rainbow Curse… a few years after Kirby Canvas Curse. And instead of enjoying the innovative momentum system that makes either of those games a blast, now you can only see half the game at any given time on either screen. The fruit is on the top screen, and your drawn line is on the pad, so the challenge lies in spatial relations. Unfortunately, there’s a hole in my bathroom that tells you everything you need to know about my depth perception (to elaborate, that hole was supposed to be a cable jack a room over…. I am bad at measuring).

Nintendo-ness: It’s Yoshi! In cart form! Yoshi eating fruit is Yoshi to a T… though the whole “is a mechanical cart” thing is a little weird. Also, if you’re going to go with a Nintendo protagonist that rolls along and eats everything in his path, how about, ya know, Kirby? Was HAL sick that day?

Overall Rating: I’m sure there are some people out there that enjoy this kind of thing, but I’m not one of them. I can’t freehand to save my life, and I can’t guide a Yoshi to save his. You know what killed the dinosaurs? Me.

Donkey Kong’s Crash Course

OookThe Game: Navigate a little cart thing through an obstacle course themed after the original Donkey Kong construction “maze”.

WiiU Relevance: This one uses the WiiU pad’s gyroscope “leaning” powers. This seems to be the feature that got reused the most in later WiiU games, and even worked its way into the final WiiU game, Breath of the Wild. Come to think of it, this means that this game is partially responsible for those damn “labyrinth” shrine puzzles. Zero out of five stars.

Nintendo-ness: Donkey Kong is about as Nintendo as it gets, but this game recalls the original Donkey Kong, and not the more iconic Donkey Kong that would return for Tropical Freeze. Also, every time Nintendo references original DK, it reminds us all that we still have yet to see a perfect arcade port of DK, and that’s horrible.

Overall Rating: Oh, did I mention this game is impossible? Because it is. I’m just glad this nonsense only ever reappeared as a minigame distraction, and not, like, Super Mario Tilt ‘n Tumble.

Captain Falcon’s Twister Race

VrooomThe Game: It’s racing! With F-Zero cars! It’s kinda F-Zero!

WiiU Relevance: As the Switch release of Mario Kart has reminded all of us, when it came time for racing to hit the WiiU, Nintendo had already abandoned the whole “use your controller like a steering wheel” thing. Oh well. The control scheme here is as smooth as silk, so good on Nintendo at least making this seem like a viable option, even if it wasn’t really used outside of the WiiOG.

Nintendo-ness: Nintendo loves Captain “Show me your moves” Falcon. This is F-Zero through and through, with futuristic venues and the good ol’ Blue Falcon (no Dynomutt, unfortunately). On the other hand, this game serves to remind us that we haven’t seen a decent F-Zero game since the friggen Gamecube, and we wouldn’t see another on the WiiU. Way to be a tease, Nintendo!

Overall Rating: It’s no Falcon Punch, but it’s pretty close to being a Falcon Slap. I do appreciate how the game offers two different (and viable!) views of the same action on two different screens. That could have reappeared on the WiiU at least once.

Balloon Trip Breeze

FloatyThe Game: It’s basically Balloon Trip Advance with a stylus-based control scheme. This gives me very little to complain about.

WiiU Relevance: This game controls by blowing a breeze to move around your Balloon Tripper via stylus motions. This is… actually kind of fun. It’s frantic in a good way, and it’s always enjoyable to have a complete freak out attempting to keep your lil’ balloon buddy out of the maw of a giant fish. Unfortunately, I can literally hear these swiping motions doing permanent damage to my WiiU screen, so I can see why this didn’t become a popular control scheme.

Nintendo-ness: Billy “Balloon Man” Balloonguy is popular with the old-school crew, but he still has yet to get his own game in the modern era. That said, the Balloon Trip theme has somehow infiltrated my brain to an intense degree (likely thanks to Smash Bros), so it is synonymous with Nintendo in its own way.

Overall Rating: Honestly, of the one player games on this collection, this one saw the most play. It’s probably the only game I’d buy a la carte… but that’s mostly because Balloon Trip is my Tetris. It’s hard to get this wrong…

Takamaru’s Ninja Castle

I have no idea what is going on hereThe Game: It’s basically a shooting game ala Time Crisis or Link’s Crossbow Training. Turn the WiiU gamepad sideways, and hurl shuriken at an endless army of ninja. The ninja vaguely look like characters from South Park, so let’s consider it a crossover.

WiiU Relevance: Wow, I had totally forgotten the WiiU pad had “aiming” functionality like the Wiimote. You mean there could have been shooting games like House of the Dead for the WiiU, but nobody ever bothered? That kind of makes me sad.

Nintendo-ness: This game is based on a Japan-only game, Nazo no Murasame Jō, that is vaguely Zelda-esque. The star of Nazo no Murasame Jō, Takamaru, has cameoed here and there in various Nintendo games since… but you probably thought he was a random Kid Icarus character, didn’t you? Sorry, Tak, you’re not exactly Mario.

Overall rating: Middling. Fun game, but ninja seem out of place next to Donkey Kong and Yoshi.

Octopus Dance

Just danceThe Game: Somebody at Nintendo played Just Dance, and now you have to, too.

WiiU Relevance: Despite the myriad of ways this could be more interesting, this is just Simon Says with the occasional “flip” between the screens so you will confuse your left and right and feel like a damn kindergartener again. I guess this reminds you that there are two analog sticks on the WiiU Pad? Has anyone ever “missed a button” on a videogame controller? I usually try every damn thing I can find about two seconds into any given game…

Nintendo-ness: Mr. Game and Watch has become the hipster of the Nintendo pantheon. Oh, you never played Octopus, a game likely older than 80% of the people reading this article and only available on severely outdated hardware? Oh, that’s cool, I mean, I have, but you wouldn’t understand. As such, given Mr. Game and Watch never actually existed and was basically a homunculus created for Smash Bros, anytime you see ol’ G&W, it’s because Nintendo is trying to be cool with the retro crowd. … Though I can’t say that’s a bad thing.

Overall Rating: The moral is never purchase a Just Dance game for WiiU.

The Legend of Zelda: Battle Quest

SLASHThe Game: Link, he comes to a town, he comes to kill like a billion bokoblins.

WiiU Relevance: This is a fine demo for 1-to-1 sword slashing ala The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword. Unfortunately, Skyward Sword apparently put Nintendo off ever doing the whole “motion control sword” thing ever again, so this is basically the last hurrah for the concept.

Nintendo-ness: Link is literally a system seller, so it’s only natural that he’d appear here. Come to think of it, is Zelda in this one? Or Ganon? Is he a piggy or a pile of smoke?

Overall Rating: I mean, it’s fun to show off what the Wii could do, but that’s old news, Nintendo. Move on, you’ve got a new system to promote. Maybe you should be thinking about what Link could do with a magical ipad, like, I don’t know, control mammoth mechanical elephants or something.

Pikmin Adventure

Pew?The Game: It’s co-op, “simple” Pikmin.

WiiU Relevance: Was there actually a Pikmin game released for the WiiU? There was? Awesome. Mission accomplished.

Nintendo-ness: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s Pikmin!

Overall Rating: When Nintendo Land had been released, we’d gone an entire console generation without a Pikmin game. This was a delightful little way to be reminded the franchise existed before moving on to any other game in the compilation. What was that thing with Yoshi again?

Metroid Blast

Pew pewThe Game: You are heroic bounty hunter Samus Aran, and you’ve got a hell of a lot of bounties to collect. Is that thing supposed to be Ridley? Eh, better kill it to be sure.

WiiU Relevance: Aside from the WiiU Pad owner getting a gunship while the rest of the nerds have to run around in their spacesuits, this is probably the most straightforward, least gimmicky game on the collection. Likely as a result, it’s also probably one of the most fun single-player experiences in Nintendo Land. Go fig. Hey, which games on the WiiU wound up becoming the most popular, anyway?

Nintendo-ness: As ever, Nintendo has no idea what to do with Samus Aran. She’s basically reprising her role from Metroid Prime Hunters here as Nintendo’s resident character most likely to wind up in a death match, and… I guess that’s where Federation Force originated, too as well. Hey, Nintendo? You know that the word “metroidvania” doesn’t refer to just shooting stuff, right?

Overall Rating: This is fun! It also has nothing to do with anything! Maybe that’s good! This might be more fun if Samus was a squid, though.

Mario Chase, Luigi’s Ghost Mansion, and Animal Crossing: Sweet Day

The Game: These are three different multiplayer experiences where, one way or another, the dude with the WiiU Pad gets to mess with the poor schmoes that are stuck with the Wiimotes.

WiiU Relevance: This was always the promise of the WiiU, right? That we could have wonderful, creative asymmetric multiplayer games that aren’t possible on other platforms? Oh what games we’ll play with… oh, the system is already dead? Dammit.

Nintendo-ness: I’m probably not the only person that thought asymmetric multiplayer would take off, as Mario and Luigi, the biggest horses in the Nintendo stable, headline two out of three of these attractions. Animal Crosser has been trying to achieve some moderate level of fame since the Gamecube, and it’s important that we keep ignoring that dude. Should Animal Crossing ever become as popular as Mario, Nintendo will find a way to monetize the AC model for mobile devices, and then we will not have enough money to afford food.

Overall Rating: This is super fun and… it was released opposite a four player Mario game? Oh, screw this noise, give me my real Mario.

Post Mortem

What was your name again?Well, that was more telling than I expected. The best game in the compilation was the one that employed the least random WiiU BS, and, the further we got from “it’s a videogame” to more “it’s a gimmick given form”, the less fun was had. This is pretty much how the WiiU worked, as Breath of Wild is the most amazing thing that has ever happened, and it didn’t even need to be on the WiiU. Meanwhile, Kirby and the Rainbow Curse is a game I have to continually look up to make sure I’m not confusing the title with its DS incarnation. The WiiU was a noble experiment, but its greatest strengths didn’t exactly lend themselves to what the public seemed to actually want, so, at best, we got games like Mario Maker and Splatoon that kinda sorta remembered we had a stylus at hand.

The Nintendo WiiU. Cause of death: Trying.

FGC #272 Nintendo Land

  • System: Well shucks, I totally forgot what system this game is for. N64?
  • Number of players: As many as you can imagine. Or four. It’s probably four.
  • Favorite Attraction: Metroid is pretty much always going to be the answer.
  • Just play the gig man: The faux retro themes that permeate this game are right up my alley, so it almost feels like cheating to note that I really like this soundtrack. In other news, I also enjoy games that feature Mario.
  • Did you know? I’m assuming this will be the last disc-based pack-in game I ever see in my lifetime. Even the WiiU learned pretty quick that it’s a lot cheaper to just include a download code in the box than a disc that is totally for resale.
  • Would I play again: Nope! It’s surprising that, even though there is so much content available on this game, all of it feels completely perfunctory, and I would rather play practically anything else that provides a more full experience. So, sorry… uh… television guy… I’m going to go play something else now.


What’s next?
Random ROB is insulted he was not in this game and has chosen… Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves for the NES! Huh, not the game featuring well-meaning thieves I would have expected from this blog, but whatever. Time to rob from the rich and give to the Nintendo kids. Please look forward to it!