But is there any fun to be had…
Metroids are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, use for entertainment, or exterminate in any way.
As a proud citizen of the Galactic Federation, you’ve likely heard the smear campaign launched against the humble metroid. The rhetoric is always the same: the hated space pirates scooped up a bunch of metroids from their home on SR388, telepathically controlled the creatures with a gigantic sentient AI, and then threatened the entire galaxy with their army of “monsters”. We were all saved by the benevolent Galactic Federation and their ability to properly outsource, and the galaxy is now at peace. But the Metroid “scourge” remains! As long as SR388 is still populated by metroids, then any Tom, Dick, or Ridley could return, rustle up another army, and lay siege to our poor universe. What’s a Federation to do?
Well, if you’ve been following the latest on GFBC, you know that the Federation is currently attempting to pass legislation to exterminate all metroids. That’s right! Just because a few bad apples decided to kidnap a peaceful species and use them for evil, the Galactic Federation is going to commit genocide. We cannot let this happen! The metroid is a naturally peaceful species, and anyone that says otherwise is woefully uninformed.
We at the Metroid Preservation Association recently sent an expedition down to SR388, and here are some of the metroid fun facts they sent back.
This is the “creature” most featured in Federation propaganda, mainly because they were the first vanguard of the Space Pirate threat. And you want to know the kick of it? This is a metroid baby. That’s right! You’re looking at the equivalent of a human toddler, or perhaps a feline kitten. Can a metroid be destructive? Of course! But no one demanded that all dogs be euthanized just because one puppy tore up the couch. Larval metroids have no concept of right or wrong, and just because they could potentially absorb the life force of a nearby organism doesn’t mean they should be eradicated.
And, speaking of which, have you ever seen a metroid feed? They don’t use mouths or teeth like many animals; no, metroids subsist entirely on hugs. Since metroids are incapable of communicating, we don’t even know if a metroid’s most threatening trait is deliberate. So many sentient creatures live their lives with a need to embrace a loving “mother”, and it is entirely possible that the shy child metroid is no different. Sure, this inevitably leads to the death of the hug recipient, but these metroids don’t know their own strength! They’re babies!
Metroid Fact: In rare situations, a larval metroid is capable of copying abilities from his or her hug buddy. Does this mean a metroid might be able “steal” the ability to talk? We’d sure like to hear about that!
Now this is why you always observe God’s creatures in their natural habitat. Kept in captivity, a larval metroid will forever stay larval, and, at best, may use its energy to grow to absurd sizes; but leave that same metroid on SR388, and something magical happens. Through a biological process that can only be described as wondrous, a larval metroid will shed its soft shell, and grow into an alpha metroid, a creature with tiny legs, adorable tusks, and a protective shell. But don’t worry, metroid lovers, the alpha metroid still maintains a “jelly belly”, and, while those miniature appendages might not be the best for the task, they’re still hugging machines. An alpha metroid will approach its mark relentlessly, begging for hugs all the while.
Free hugs aside, think of the implication of the alpha metroid. Without observing metroids on their home world, we would have never known such a delightful being ever existed. What else are metroids capable of? We don’t know, but we do know that we’ll never find out if the Galactic Federation has their way.
Metroid Fact: If a metroid were capable of returning its absorbed energy to others, it could use said stored energy to power an entire city! Think of the glorious future where metroids and people may live happily together, freely sharing their energy and experiences. Can you envision a more idyllic paradise?
A metroid doesn’t just stop at the alpha form. It turns out that a metroid can develop even further. A gamma metroid seems to be the natural evolution of the alpha, with longer legs, bigger tusks, and even a “head horn” that looks like a charming little dunce cap. Silly gamma metroid, you’re still just a kid, you’ll learn how to get out of the corner soon enough.
The gamma metroid even learned a new trick: it can generate and distribute electricity! This is amazing, as metroid physiology previously only allowed for the absorption of energy, and it seemed that all the excess power was spent on the metroid’s strange floating ability. But the gamma metroid has extra power, and he/she knows how to use it! Lightning bolts fly from the gamma’s fangs, igniting the dark caverns of SR388 with every burst. Could gamma metroids be deliberately illuminating these passages for the benefit of their fellow SR388 inhabitants? That seems like the most apparent answer.
Metroid Fact: Metroids do not compete. In the event that multiple metroids have targeted one person for hugs, the metroids will work together, and never damage each other in pursuit of the hugee. Metroids are so polite!
Like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, the zeta metroid will emerge from the carapace of a gamma metroid. And this change means big things for our friend the metroid! The alpha/gamma’s “limbs” become “fingers”, and zeta now has full-fledged legs and arms. And a tail! How could any creature with a tail be worthy of extinction? And those lightning powers have evolved, too, because the zeta has the ability to spew fire and acid-like substances. These abilities are clearly there for the betterment of his or her friends, as who doesn’t like to warm up with some spicy fire breath? Why, with a zeta metroid in your kitchen, you might never need an oven ever again! And don’t forget about that acid spit for opening those hard-to-open jars!
Metroid Fact: Metroids hate the cold, which is probably why their entire planet is filled with lava. As a result, it’s not the easiest place to explore, but with a few decent barrier suits, you might find it’s a pretty nice planet with all sorts of exciting indigenous wildlife.
And thus must the zeta inevitably become the omega, the final form of the humble metroid (usually). The omega metroid is basically a miniature tyrannosaurus. And that’s good! Who among us hasn’t ever desired a pet dinosaur? The omega metroid, not unlike a mastiff or a great dane, would be the perfect oversized companion for any schoolchild. Aw, look at that omega, it even looks like it’s wearing an pleasant little backpack. Wouldn’t you be happy to see Lil’ Timmy walking down the street with Lil’ ‘Meggy Metroid? Just be sure to clean up the sidewalk before that acidic drool seeps into the water supply.
Metroid Fact: If a metroid does happen to absorb all the life energy of an opponent (who was clearly asking for it), it will leave behind a stone or sand sculpture of the aggressor. Wicked people are transformed into pillars of salt in the first book of the Bible… Could metroids have visited Earth in our distant past?
Did you know that metroids have a matriarchal society, and they all love their mama? It’s true! Queen Metroid is apparently the mother of all metroids on SR388, and lays eggs at an astronomical rate. While there appear to only be about forty living metroids on SR388 currently, there are a number of eggs lying around the queen’s chambers, so it looks like we’ll be seeing a population boom any minute now. And that’s great, because this galaxy could use more metroids!
The metroids are a humble, huggable race. To eliminate them and their planet would be an affront to the very precepts on which our Federation was founded. After all, if metroids were so terrible, then why didn’t our expedition team ever return? They clearly chose to stay and continue their lives on SR388, living in peace and harmony with our friends, the metroids. May the whole galaxy be as welcoming and serene as SR388.
FGC #327 Metroid 2: Return of Samus
- System: Nintendo Gameboy, and 3DS if you’re nasty. No, I’m not talking about the remake.
- Number of players: There is only one metroid hunter in this galaxy.
- Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: This is such a weird game. It feels at once complete and whole, but also entirely unfinished. Samus spends what seems like forever gradually upgrading and fighting alphas and gammas, and then finally encounters her first Zeta. Then, one area full of three or so Zetas later, the mighty Omega rears its ugly head. Then you fight a couple more… and the game is basically over. You’re at the queen’s “final level”, and then all that’s left is to leave the planet in the calmest “escape sequence” ever. We were just getting going! I want more!
- Favorite metroid form: That would be the zeta metroid. Omega is too powerful, alpha is too boring, and gamma’s stupid lightning artificially prolongs the fight with its missile blocking properties. Zeta is just right. Actually, my real favorite is the tried and true larval metroid, but they’re all over the place at this point (in, like, a whole five games).
- So, did you beat it? Of course I did. I beat this puppy back in the day, and I did it again just now. See my AM2R review for more details on why wet paint always makes me think of SR388.
- He’s too big: No Ridley in Metroid 2. How does something like this happen!?
- Did you know? Shooting zeta and omega metroids in the back causes more damage… but since the Metroid series is averse to HP gauges, the average player has no hope of knowing this. Omega’s lil’ tail does twitch a little more on a back hit, I suppose.
- Would I play again: Hopefully I won’t have to, because…
What’s next? Obviously, I’m going to spend this weekend playing the latest Metroid game, because of course I am. Will I also be ready to write about it? We’ll find out! Please look forward to it!
When I was a young boy, my father forced me to get a job. There weren’t many places that would hire a child, so I became a paperboy. Thus, for two years, I had to wake up at the crack of dawn, bike down to the newspaper office, pick up a stack of papers (that was easily heavier than I was), and deliver papers all through the neighborhood. There was no way to enjoy this. If I failed to deliver to the right house on time, I was punished. If I delivered to the wrong house, I was punished. And, of course, if I was late to school because of some stupid dog or a particularly chatty old lady, I was punished there, too. Every morning, in the scorching heat or the freezing cold, I was out there delivering papers, while my contemporaries slept, cozy and unemployed in their beds. “Surely,” I thought to myself for two endless years, “This job must be Hell.”
In time, I grew older, and finally graduated to a job that could at least be done inside and at a reasonable hour. And, while I may have cursed his name for a number of reasons over the years, I suppose my father’s lesson did pay off, as I learned I never, ever wanted to have another job outside performing manual labor ever again. I went to college. I got degrees. I became a white collar professional, and, while I may have had to step over a few broken bodies to attain excellence, I eventually found myself quite content with my station in life. And, if I may say so, watching print media slowly die did offer me some small amount of schadenfreude, even if it meant I couldn’t push my own children into the same “cycle” my father started. I suppose that may have been a good thing.
Though I guess I didn’t do enough good things, as, upon my death, I found myself in Hell.
And, with no explanation whatsoever, I found myself back on that same bicycle, back in that same neighborhood, back with those same papers. I was a boy on his paper route, again, and damned to be one for all of eternity.
At first, everything was pretty straightforward: I pedaled down familiar streets, delivered papers to expectant subscribers, and then, when I was done, I was forced back to the newspaper office to start the process all over again. Sometimes the weather would change, sometimes I would be told different homes were my targets, but, more or less, it was what I remembered. Then… things started to change. The first major switch-up was that the newspaper office outright disappeared. I suppose some infernal demon realized I could actually take a whole five minute break while I was picking up fresh papers, so, nope, I’m stuck pedaling forever, my calves growing more swollen by the day. Now I have to pick up new bundles of papers from the streets themselves, and, should I run out, I’m chastised just the same as when I miss a house (or damage a window or pedestrian… I admit I may have initially tried to… rattle the chains of my captors). What’s more, the “hazards” of my childhood have all come to revisit me continually, so I am faced with marauding dogs and vicious neighbors. I am nearly mowed down by an errant car every other minute. What’s more, I am beset by dangers I only imagined in my mundane childhood, like statues that spew flames, or the specter of Death himself. I know… in my rational mind… I know that I am already dead… but still… that pale, ghastly visage continues to haunt me.
But this… even this I could get used to. The punishments, the monsters… it did become what was simply my life (or my afterlife, as the case may be). I’d bike down the same streets, deliver the same papers, and that was it. It was Hell, but it was my Hell, and I expect that could be enough.
But this is Hell. They found a way to make it worse. After fifteen years, I was inflicted with the greatest punishment they could imagine: freedom.
My route had always been a straight line. I would pedal down endless streets and deliver endless papers. It was distressing, but, after a while, I learned that it required very little thinking. I’d keep my eye out for my targets, and if I missed, that was that. I did everything I could, after all.
But now… now they decided to grant me autonomy. Horrible, mind-destroying free-will.
I realized the change almost immediately: I could now pedal in any direction. I could turn around. I could visit the other side of the street. I could… jump. At first, I was elated. “Finally,” I thought, “Someone thinks I’ve paid my dues. I might still be stuck down here, but I’m not stuck in that awful, robotic rut. I can do whatever I want!” But, no, the reality of my unreality quickly caught up with me. I still had to deliver papers. I still had to dodge homicidal dogs. I still had to do everything I did before, but now I was granted the teeniest, tiniest taste of independence… only to be doomed to never enjoy it. I still had a strict, condemning time limit. I could leap my bike over ramps, feel the wind in my hair, and enjoy my existence for once… but if I did that… If I spent too long on pleasure… then the pain… the punishments would be even worse. And then I would have to start the whole route over again, knowing full well that the “fun stuff” was there and available, but experiencing it again would mean… I don’t want to think about it.
Hell… Hell had become more hellish.
And they taunted me even more! Where once I was constrained to my old, familiar neighborhood, now I was forced to deliver papers in more exotic locales. A trailer park might not seem like anyone’s idea of a vacation, but the smell of barbecue and kids playing outside while you’re stuck pedaling and pedaling is… cruel. And then I was forced to deliver at a camp ground! And the beach! When I eventually found myself in a dark, monster-infested town, complete with Frankenstein’s Monster and a vampire or two, I thought someone was just plain running out of ideas. But I didn’t have time to think that for long, as now I was being chased by dogs with three heads. And then I was back to my old neighborhood again, forced to relive the loop of changing neighborhoods until I delivered enough papers.
But it’s never enough. I can never satisfy the quotas. I can never escape this Hell. I will be here… I will be here forever.
I am the paperboy now, and that’s all I will ever be.
FGC #283 Paperboy (N64)
- System: Probably N64. Let me check here… Yep! N64.
- Number of players: There can be only one paperboy.
- Or Papergirl: Oh, yes, the game does offer you the option of being a papergirl. It’s kind of weird that most of the Papergirl’s canned voice clips compare herself to Paperboy, though. Eat your heart out, Paperboy, indeed.
- Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: It’s an attempt to make the original Paperboy more of a “modern” (circa 1999) game, but… it doesn’t really work so well. The original Paperboy is basically a shoot ‘em up with an unusual premise and perspective, and attempting to add collectibles and “free roaming” is about as effective as making a Gradius game that plays like Mario 64. This actually may have been an impressive concept back in the bygone past of the 20th Century; but nowadays, it’s right up there with Atari revivals like Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure. Oh, also, it’s ugly as hell.
- And there are bosses: Yes, there are bosses in a game about delivering papers. Yes, the bosses are simple “throw papers at the weak point” affairs. Yes, it is completely boring and flimsy.
- Favorite Neighborhood: Pelican Beach has friendly dolphins! Or it should!
- Did you know? Neither Paperboy nor Papergirl wear a helmet while delivering papers. This is dangerously unsafe.
- Would I play again: I compared the game to an eternal hell. What do you think?
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Drakengard 3 for the Playstation 3! Let’s drag this dragoon into fun times! Please look forward to it!
Ogre Battle aka Ogre Battle: The March of the Black Queen is a TRPG from way back in the early nineties. I never played the title on its original SNES cartridge, but I did quickly pick up the Playstation edition (ironically due to extensive Nintendo Power coverage). According to this memory card I have here, I apparently beat the game. That… kind of makes sense? This would have still been the “early Playstation” era, the tail end of my “childhood” years when I didn’t have enough (or, really, any) disposable income to buy new games. If I’m being honest, nowadays I would never have completed this TRPG, as, come on, TRPGs are boring. But back in ’97 or so, yeah, I’d be all over finding every secret and recruiting every available character.
Except… I kinda forgot how I did that. I know I beat this game. I know I played it for hours… but I don’t really remember that much of it. I know my heroine used her ice blast so much, Disney based a musical on her, and I know vampires are rad, but that’s about it. I think there may have been a demon in there somewhere? I think?
So, in the interest of this not happening again, I’ve referenced a few wiki pages, replayed some of the game, and slapped together a brief synopsis of the plot of Ogre Battle. This is for the benefit of future generations (or just my failing memory).
Ogre Battle starts with an unnamed hero… but it’s our duty to name him… so let’s call him Mike. Mike is just chilling in Zeltenia, minding his own business, not doing a damn thing, when he is accosted by some of the Black Queen’s soldiers. This seriously harshes Mike’s buzz, and he’s a cranky sort, so he decides to put together a little rebellion and toss the Black Queen out on her duff. However, he’s up against an entire army, and you can only repel huge masses of people alone in JRPGs, not TRPGs. So Mike begins to amass an army, and immediately picks up a goofy sidekick, Warren. Warren is a fast –talking wizard that “can see the future”, but, in reality, he’s pretty much just a judgmental ass. First thing this guy does is claim he knows Mike better than anybody because of some stupid tarot card reading. Shut-up, Warren, nobody is buying that Princess Cleo crap.
So the obvious answer to the problem here is to march right up to Queen Endora’s castle and demand that these damn soldiers stop mucking all over the place, but she’s still got a bigger army than everybody and the throne. So what’s Mike going to do? He decides it’s best to fight through a few stupid fetch quests. So he picks up… let’s see here… The Star of Heroes, the Key of Destiny, and, oh yeah, Tristan, the adorable scamp that is the real heir to the throne. That’s handy to have!
Mike also met Norn along the way. Norn had previously lived the sheltered life of a priestess, and she was forever cursed to be separated from those she cared about. Initially, she is irritable towards Mike, but she eventually softens and seems to develop a sense of comradery with the rebel leader. Also, despite being “just a priestess”, she kind of kicks ass, so that’s a plus.
But not everything is friendship and magic! Queen Endora had the short and short-tempered Sage Rashidi on the payroll, and he wanted to own the whole of the land just as badly as the next guy. And it turns out he got his chance when Mike wiped the floor with Endora and her generals, and Rashidi was free to summon an unspeakable, ancient evil. You know, as you do. So the Black Queen was a feint all along, and Rashidi was the real enemy. And he’s got a dragon! Three of ‘em! Okay, technically he just controls the guys that control the dragons, but still, that’s basically like having your own dragon(s).
So, once again, Mike fetch quests all over the place, and I think Warren fell in love with one of the dragons somewhere along the way. Mike never played Saga Frontier, so he didn’t know you’re not supposed to mix tarot and rune magic, so he gathered up the twelve zodiac stones to banish Rashidi once and for all. And… then he did. What, did you think this game would have an unhappy ending? Well, okay, it often does have a calamitous ending, because it is next to impossible to understand exactly how the whole alignment/fame system works, but let’s just claim that defeating Rashidi was all Mike ever had to do.
Rashidi is devoured by a dragon, Mike gets the girl (let’s say… Norn) and everybody dances around like an idiot to a Smash Mouth cover. There. Ogre battle is ogre.
FGC #249 Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen: Love is Ogre Edition
- System: Super Nintendo initially, but only in extremely limited quantities. Playstation (1) saw a rerelease, and it was named the “limited edition” despite being more bountiful than the SNES version. And there was a Japanese Saturn version, too. Incidentally, if you want the SNES version, just check the Virtual Console.
- Number of players: I want to claim that there should be a market for multi-player TRPGs, as, ya know, chess has been a thing for eons. And I’m going to keep saying this until it changes!
- Feelies: For whatever reason, the Playstation “limited edition” came with memory card stickers. So, for the rest of time, I have a green memory card with an Ogre Battle sticker as its label. Oddly, my actual Ogre Battle game save is on a different memory card…
- How does this game work? I have no earthly idea. I’ve read the FAQs. I’ve poured over Nintendo Power’s tips straight from the pros. I even checked the wiki once or twice. I’m pretty sure I know how to play this game while maintaining good, friendly stats… but it never works out. And I can’t even recruit the bad guys for some quixotic reason! I wanted a demon on my team, dammit!
- Favorite Character: Deneb is the Pumpkin Queen!
- Favorite Unit: And, similarly, I gravitate toward the bad boys with all werewolf/vampire teams. I like day/night cycles in games typically, but I like them even more when my soldiers transform into wolf monsters and tow around coffins.
- Did you know? On Queen’s second album, the indolently named Queen II, the sixth track is titled “Ogre Battle”, and the ninth, “The March of the Black Queen”. I’m going to assume “The Fairy Feller’s Master Stroke” had an impact on the proceedings as well.
- Would I play again: I barely remember playing it in the first place… but I don’t think I’ll play it again. This is almost a wholly unique game in my collection, but it’s also kind of a drag. I respect Ogre Battle, and that’s why I’m not going to play it again.
What’s next? It’s number 250! And for our big round number du jour, Random ROB has chosen… Kid Icarus for the NES! Oh, that’s a good one! We come in threes here on the FGC, so let’s make a week of it. Get ready for more Kid Icarus than you can handle! Please look forward to it!