Tag Archives: akira toriyama

FGC #382 Dragon Ball FighterZ

Rock the dragonIt is the rare licensed game that grants you greater insight into the source material.

And the greatest insight offered by Dragon Ball FighterZ? The exact mechanisms of why Krillin sucks.

First, let’s talk about the dragon in the room: Dragon Ball FighterZ is a good game. Not only that, but it’s a good Dragon Ball fighting game. And this might be a first! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I have played a lot of Dragon Ball (mostly Z) games. I am a DBZ nerd, and have been since approximately sixth grade. It’s like wrestling! Except everybody can fly and shoot lasers out of various appendages and orifices! I am all about that! So I’ve dutifully purchased practically every DBZ game that has come down Dragon Way, going all the way back to Dragon Ball GT Final Bout (a game that featured nearly the whole breadth of Dragon Ball history, but was released in America when Goku had barely reached Frieza. Who is this little chirping pink guy? And why is Vegeta a baby?). But one constant through the DBZ game pantheon is that, unfortunately, they’re not very good. Some of the RPG/adventure style DBZ games are pretty great, but the fighting games… not so much.

Slam 'emAnd Dragon Ball FighterZ seems to clearly elucidate why: DBZ games shouldn’t follow DBZ. Okay, yes, you need to have Goku and Cell and all kinds of crazy “he’s moving too fast for saiyan eyes” flurry punches, but you absolutely have to drop the many “this happens every episode so it should be in the game” quirks of the series. Flight? It sounds cool, but grant your fighters the ability to “stand” on different planes, and everything gets too… chase-y. Just let DBZ fighters feel like regular fighting game characters, and maybe add in a homing punch or two. And beam fights? It seems like every DBZ fighting game has had some desperate need to make big, dramatic moments out of two dudes grunting and shoving lasers while the player is expected to hammer buttons or rotate a joystick. And that has never been fun. Ever! DBFZ makes it clear that you could get an amazing DBZ fighting game out of a traditional fighter, and you can still include DBZ tropes. Just showing a little restraint for the sake of genre helps.

But this isn’t to say DBFZ is just Guilty Gear reskinned as Dragon Ball. While Goku and Vegeta seem to have a weird (appropriate) Ryu/Ken thing going on, the cast is unmistakably themselves, with Tien focusing on measured counters, and Yamcha whipping out ridiculous auto-combo moves. Frieza can summon planet-wrecking balls of energy, and Kid Buu is a whirling dervish of destruction. And even newcomers to the series firmly establish themselves with their movesets: Hit is cool and collected, and Goku Black’s ki scythes tell you this dude is bad news. Going back to Street Fighter 2, the most important thing a fighting game can do is ground its fighters with their moves and abilities (you know, the stuff you see every nanosecond when you’re actually playing the game), and DBFZ does that in an obvious and amazing manner. No two characters are exactly alike, and this is in stark contrast to previous DBZ fighting games containing seventy characters that all “punch a lot and shoot beams”. And that is why nobody likes you, Turles.

Sorry!So it’s only natural that all these fighters wind up in a pretty sprawling story mode. Arcade modes are the lifeblood of fighting games, but DBZ has always been two parts muscles dudes to its 98 parts soap opera. Of course we have to have a new villain and an excuse for why only two people can fight each other at one time (as opposed to how, in the series proper, only two people can fight at a time because… uhh… senzu beans?). The excuse du jour is that the previously unseen Android 21 has activated some random machine that Dr. Gero left behind, and now “a human soul” must bond with DBZ heroes and villains alike to grant the fighters access to their innate super destructive muscle powers. Nobody was expecting “the hero is the player” meta shenanigans from a DBZ game, but, hey, it works in this context. And it grants us an excuse for Goku to be “level 1” even though he has successfully fought his way through multiple realities at this point (and thus should be capable of punching Captain Ginyu straight through to the Sailor Moon universe).

But it’s this leveling system that is the most DBZ thing to have ever graced a videogame. Like many JRPGs, only “active” characters receive experience. And, also like most JRPGs, your party grows as time goes on. You start with you initial lil’ dudes, but it’s inevitable that you’ll wind up with new, more interesting party members as the game progresses. It’s only natural that Vegeta isn’t available in the first “dungeon”, because, come on, you’ve gotta earn a rude boy like that. And since the new characters are objectively better than the old characters, well, here’s a screenshot of my party from shortly before the final battle…

What?

Zoom in! Enhance!

Oh no

Yes, the rest of the party is Level 30-40, and Krillin is Level 3. Tien and Yamcha aren’t much better. Assuming I were to take any of these dudes out to challenge the final boss, a creature that is firmly level 50, my bald little hero would die. He would die immediately.

And that’s canon!

Way to go, dorkSure, we all say we want to see the return of the Dragon Ball OG characters. Yes, we all claim we want to see the humans take the spotlight again, and shake these damn saiyans off their high perch. But you know what? Krillin is cool, but Toriyama already told his story. You could even claim some of the latter DBZ characters have completed arcs, too (Gohan comes to mind here). But the story keeps going, and the main character keeps finding new worlds and universes. Bald Guy and Bald Guy with Three Eyes are neat, but there’s a God of Destruction on the table now, and he’s a kitty cat, so what’s his deal? Silent assassin from another universe? Sounds good, too. Goku, but genocidally evil? That’s a cool story! And… I already know Krillin’s story. He’s a guy that likes porn and is always going to be second banana to Goku. I don’t need him in my party right now. Even his wife tosses a better destructo disc.

Krillin, I love you, and you’re great… but you suck. And there’s a big, green science experiment that wants to be part of my party now. Please understand.

Dragon Ball FighterZ helps me to comprehend how it feels to be Goku. DBFZ helps me to recognize that, even if you care about some bald little buddy, sometimes you have to ditch him for the entire story, because, come on, who doesn’t want to team up with Nappa? He doesn’t have any hair and he’s taller. There’s really no choice at all here…

FGC #382 Dragon Ball FighterZ

  • System: Playstation 4, Xbox One, and PC. Also, Gameboy Advance if your PC’s power is subpar.
  • Number of players: Two players controlling six total fighters. But only one at a time! It’s pretty much Marvel vs. Capcom rules… and that’s just fine.
  • What’s in a name: The title is pronounced “Dragon Ball Fighters”. This is because the good people at Bandai Namco have no idea how letters work.
  • GET IT?!Story Similarities: For some reason, every time the party retreats to Bulma’s ship and chats about the next move, I am reminded of another franchise.
  • Other Story Issues: Look, I understand that it wouldn’t make “story sense” for there to be clones of the androids, or characters from other universes, or anyone that is already a corpse possessed by a god, or whatever, but the billions of fights against Clone Yamcha in story battles seem to necessitate using the entire roster for that mode. There aren’t even Clone Young Gohan or Clone Majin (Fat) Buus running around! A little variety is important when you’re fighting three a match.
  • Favorite Fighter (this game): I’m going to say Hit, but only because he kind of represents Champa, the Garfield of the Dragon Ball universe. Champa for DLC!
  • A Quick Word about Krillin: Krillin isn’t all bad. He is a great friend, an attentive father, and an excellent husband to a previously murderous cyborg. However, he is also the one guy in DBZ with the highest death count. To be clear, that is not a kill count, what that means is that Krillin has been killed the most times in the Dragon Ball franchise. He was once killed by a tambourine! Strongest human in the universe or not, Krillin knows his place in the world, and it’s in the Home For Infinite Suckers.
  • Did you know? Speaking of Hit, he is an assassin from another universe. In other words, he is a hitman. Hit the hitman. Someone should be in jail for DBZ naming schemes.
  • Would I play again: I’m still playing it! Story mode might be over forever, but maybe I’ll throw Krillin a bone for some online matches. Least I could do for the little guy.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg for Nintendo Gamecube! Now that’s an eggcelent choice! Please look forward to it!

Winner!

FGC #377 Dragon Warrior

Shiny!Dragon Warrior (sometimes Quest) is the game that is widely credited for launching the entire JRPG genre. As such, it must be considered one of the most influential titles in all of gaming, as, even today, there is still a new game every month that harkens back to the Dragon Warrior of old (even if said game stars rejected Sailor Moon characters in a magical high school, it still counts). Dragon Warrior is indisputably the beating heart of all JRPGs.

Which is kind of amazing when you consider how much Dragon Warrior sucks.

Unless some nimrod has managed to stick these words in a book somewhere, you’re reading this post on my website. You will note that this is FGC #377. This means that, with the exception of a few “theme weeks” and medically mandated breaks every fifty articles or so, I have played three videogames every week for the last two-going-on-three years. And nearly 400 games! When I was a child, I could nary imagine that there were 100 videogames in the world, left alone that I would one day play four times that many for a silly website. At this point, I want to say that I have a fairly good grasp on what is good or bad. Even if I once only played AAA, best of the best titles once; now I can safely say that I’ve played Ice Climbers, and lived to tell the tale. After all that, I know what I enjoy, what is fun, and what is… Dragon Warrior.

The basic elements are here! Akira Toriyama, even at this earliest point in the franchise, is knocking it out of the park with monster designs that are adorable (slimes, drackys), menacing (skeletons, wizards), and occasionally somewhere in between (aw, look at the sleepy widdle golem). The world is large (for an NES game), and the plot may be simple, but it’s charming fantasy to a T. The dragon has kidnapped the princess (and stuck her with a lesser dragon), and also stolen the anti-monster bug zapper that keeps the world clean and enchanted. GO TO SLEEPThe Dragon Warrior must now quest to stop the Dragon Lord, and acquire the treasures of his exalted ancestor along the way to eventually ride the rainbow bridge and score 120 stars or something. It’s all there, it’s all exactly what Dragon Quest was made for, and, by all accounts, this should be a fun, if primitive, DQ experience.

But it’s just so, so awful to actually play.

First of all, retro aesthetic aside, there is no way that selecting STAIRS to ascend or descend steps was ever a good idea. Someone managed to program borders into every town to transition between the overworld and a castle, so why the hell is there a dedicated command for activating “go up stairs now”? Hell, you could theoretically justify the TAKE or SEARCH commands with the many tiles that hide buried treasure around the DW world, but stairs are never hidden. They’re stairs. Actually, there is exactly one time stairs are hidden, and you use the SEARCH command, not STAIRS to find ‘em. You had one job, STAIRS! And talking is equally a pain in the ass, because Loto forbid you open a treasure chest when you’re trying to talk to a townsperson that is never anywhere near a damn treasure chest. Just performing basic tasks in this game is a lesson in misery.

But it gets worse! So much worse!

This suuuuucksThe Dragon Warrior world is huge, filled with monsters of varying shapes and sizes, and at least one town that is a secret dungeon. There are optional dungeons, optional towns, and even an optional princess. There’s a lot to do in DW!… Unfortunately absolutely none of it will prepare you for the rest of Dragon Warrior. EXP and Gold values are absurdly skewed against the player’s favor. A lowly copper sword costs 180 GP, and a local slime drops… 2 GP. In only 90 battles, you’ll be ready to go! And you might be level 3 by then! And this is decidedly not the kind of game that is meant to be played with a “low level” hero (without some superhuman RNG manipulation, at least), as later monsters will absolutely obliterate your hero inside of three turns as poor Son of Erdrick whiffs over and over again with his puny punches. There is simply not enough to do in the DW world to justify the kind of gold and experience it takes to so much as make it off the main continent, and mindless grinding has never been an entertaining compromise.

So, after discovering that Dragon Warrior is not just “primitive fun” like Final Fantasy, but more “never been fun” like Wizards and Warriors, I was forced to ask the obvious question: why? Not “why does this game suck” (that is already obvious), but why did DW spawn the JRPG genre? Was it some kind of cultural misunderstanding? Was it the monster designs? Was it an unmistakable love of carrying princesses through swamps? No, I want to say the entire reason Dragon Warrior spawned decades worth of sequels, spin-offs, and that one surprisingly sticky controller is this…

Goals!

This is the first thing you see when entering the overworld. Not coincidentally, it is also the first thing you see every time you die, as you respawn back at Castle Useless. Every time you turn on the game, every time you must restart, every single time, you see this same image. You’re at the starting castle, there’s a starting town nearby, and, there, across the humblest of rivers (maybe a fjord), is your final destination, The Dragon Lord’s Castle. This means that, from the absolute moment you grab your controller, you are always reminded of what you are fighting for, what you’re fighting towards, and, even though a Wolf Lord just kicked your ass back to square one, you have a goal, and you must save this poor world of magic key-obsessed people from the sinister clutches of evil.

And that is singularly brilliant.

Very shinyThis is how you get people hooked. This is how you create a genre. The designers of Dragon Warrior enjoy gambling? Yeah, these are the kind of people who know how to keep their audience salivating for that next jackpot. Your winnings are just over that river. You might get a few bad rolls between here and there, but you’re getting better. You’re getting better, and you’re going to get there. You’re so close! And you will be so close for the next few hours!

Dragon Warrior objectively sucks. I will stand by that statement. However, it is also a brilliant game, and an unmistakable classic. It might not be enjoyable for anyone that has experienced modern conveniences like “fast forward” or “a game being actually fun”, but there’s always that drive to save the world, and that counts for a lot. Dragon Warrior might be terrible at conveying your goals on a quest-by-quest basis, but you always know your ultimate objective, and that can carry you through 10,000 slime encounters.

You will make it across that river. You will slay the Dragon Lord. Why? Because thou must.

FGC #377 Dragon Warrior

  • System: Every.
  • Number of players: The Erdrick bloodline has withered down to one dude in a silly hat.
  • What’s in a name: I’m sticking to Dragon Warrior, because it says it right there on the cart. Dragon Quests are for later generations.
  • UghLand of the Rising Fun: Hey, guess what, the game is even worse for the original Japanese release! It has more primitive graphics, so the characters always face stock straight toward the player. That isn’t so bad, but since your character doesn’t turn, you have to manually select which direction you’d like to face every time you want to use a command like TALK. So, basically, it takes an already annoying system, and makes it more annoying. Hooray for localization improvements!
  • Favorite Monster: Forgive me if I’ve confused this dork for one of its cousins, but the Starwyvern looks like a pink duck-snake-eagle that is constantly taunting the player. And it knows midheal, so the odds of ever killing it are super low for anyone not swinging around the Erdrick Sword. It effectively is Dragon Warrior in one wiggly tube of hate.
  • Speaking of Erdrick: Hey, dude, where’s your shield? You had to have one of those, right?
  • Did you know? The Dragon Quest title screen contains a little silhouette of the Dragon Lord, and a sword for the letter T in Quest. The Dragon Warrior title screen retains the dragon shadow, but drops the sword from the (absent) T. Guess which flourish would go on to become a standard part of the logo for future titles.
  • Would I play again: Absolutely not under any circumstances. I don’t care if you take away my gamer card, you can’t make me trudge through those dragon swamps ever again. Erdrick can keep his damn token.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… MorphX for the Xbox 360! … Wait, what game? Isn’t that just a graphics card? Or something? Anyway, please look forward to it, I guess.

YAY

FGC #329 Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3

Let's get ready to rumbleBehold the agony that is caring for something.

I’ve always loved Dragon Ball Z. It was “precious anime” in a time when the only alternative available on a weekly basis was Sailor Moon (which I also loved… but it was for girls… right?), and, even as Pokémon blew the doors off the import market, I always followed Dragon Ball Z. Why do I like it? Because… I have no idea why. I suppose it’s the same reason I follow comic books: I like the characters, and, even though I know in my heart that there is absolutely no tension (do you think Goku is going to power up just in time to stop this overwhelming force?), I just… I just want to see how Krillin is doing, you know? Akira Toriyama designs some interesting/shallow characters (and I’ve got the tattoo to prove it), and, yes, I feel like I would like to know exactly how that android became a park ranger. Even when the plots spiral completely out of control (did… did everyone on Earth just die? Again?) and four characters combine into two characters and then one guy eats the other one and… Oh, never mind, you’ve seen the show, right? It’s DBZ. It’s crazy. Maybe that’s all it needs to be.

And, given the sheer scope of Dragon Ball Z, it’s easy for the average fan to get… shall we say “caught up” in the fiction. Goku’s battles may be technically straightforward, but there are also 291 episodes involving the minutiae of power levels, multiple warring factions, varying galactic civilizations, and an ever-present need to account for the four star dragon ball at all times. You could teach an entire class on the various forms of the average saiyan, and follow it up with a lecture on the socio-politico ramifications of the universal rule of Frieza. And is Vegeta the greatest hero ever, or just a huge asshole? Does deliberately exploding in the name of good absolve you of your sins of committing galactic genocides? And that’s all before you even get into the auxiliary materials, like trying to wedge the movies into a proper timeline, or debating whether or not GT is at all canon until the heat death of the universe (which may be caused by Goku). And the kick of it is that, until the fairly recent release of Dragon Ball Super, the DBZ series was done by the time it hit our shores. Even GT was pretty much out the door by the time we were fooling around with the Playstation, so this wasn’t even a “living” franchise, it was just nerds debating the particulars of a series that seemed to already bore its very creator.

Ginyu forever!It was likely this “Dragon Ball is dead” problem that led to a complete lack of decent DBZ games on our shores. Goku made his way to a number of systems in Japan, but, over on this side of the Pacific, all we had up through the Playstation was one Dragon Ball GT game that was… confusing. Released before the Frieza Saga had completed over here, attempting to decipher why Vegeta was now a monkey, a different color, and also known as “Baby” was… a little confusing. And that was before you even got to that chirping pink dude named Buu. Likely due to said confusion, Dragonball GT for the Playstation 1 didn’t exactly set the world on fire, and became a rare “forgotten gem” of the system. Or maybe it was only a gem for anyone that didn’t actually play the game, because it kinda sucked.

But we finally got a “real” Dragon Ball Z game in 2002, Dragon Ball Z Budokai. And it was good! Well… that might be a stretch… It was passable! It was not bad! Or it was not bad enough that I particularly noticed how bad it was! Hooray! Look, it was exactly what we wanted for years: an opportunity to play through the story of Dragon Ball Z with all our favorite characters, and then, when that got boring, an opportunity to see Cell fight Frieza and then kill Yamcha. It was canon and dream match all in one, and, while the gameplay wasn’t all the exciting, it was what it needed to be. You could fight as any one of many Gokus, and then conquer the universe through the amazing power of blondeness. And there was a vaguely JRPG-esque equipment system, too, so you could pretend like numbers go up was the point. Something for everyone!

Yeah yeah!So, naturally, DBZB got a sequel… and then another sequel… and then a whole new “rebooted” franchise with a new developer… and that got a sequel… and then we made it all the way to Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3. This would be 2007, and, if you’re paying attention (and I’m making sense), that means we had six Dragon Ball Z games in five years. From famine to feast! And, unfortunately, while some could likely tell you the exact differences between each title, to an outsider, this was basically five years of releasing new revisions for Street Fighter 2. Just replace Dee Jay with Android 8, and you have the basic idea. Yes, there was that “reboot” in there, but this was still the same characters and same plots and same “just keep hitting punch” gameplay, and, let’s be honest, DBZ was never Ibsen. Throw in all the what-if stories you want, it’s still just dudes punching each other until Goku shows up to really punch everybody.

As one might expect, I was kind of burned out by the release of DBZBT3. If memory serves, I didn’t even buy this game when it was remotely new, and simply fished it out of a clearance aisle somewhere in my travels. After years of other shallow DBZ games, I’m pretty sure I gave it a precursory play, enjoyed a few versus matches with the AI, and gave it up forever. I’m almost certain I didn’t play the game with another human even once, which, for a DBZ fighting game, is fairly damning. Sure, this title has more characters than any fighting game ever, but they’re all the same. And when you’ve got “Unnamed Frieza Henchman” on the roster, you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel (a barrel that, incidentally, once contained giant monkeys).

OuchSo when ROB rolled this game, I figured I’d just play a few rounds, write a few thousand words on silly DBZ facts, and go grab some ramen (DBZ has a tendency to make me hungry). And the plan was moving along swimmingly until I decided to check the Gamefaqs “cheats” page. May as well see if I’m missing anything, right? Well, considering I had unlocked nothing in this game previously, I stared at the list of the characters I could be using if I just put in a little more effort. General Blue of Dragon Ball! The Pilaf Machine! Evil King Piccolo! Vegeta’s dad from the planet Vegeta who is also named King Vegeta! Spike the Devil Man! All I have to do is put in a little effort, and I too could be playing as Spopovich (you know, that one muscular bald guy? Not Nappa)!

But… I know it’s a lie. I know that I’m not going to play this game again, and any “achievements” would retreat as soon as I removed that disc from my Playstation 3. I know there is inevitably going to be a better, more improved DBZ game in short order (note: I am not talking about any particular game at this moment, but they keep happening). And, most of all, I know that I’m not going to play this game with anyone else, so these unlocked characters are exclusively for my own masturbatory enjoyment. And it wouldn’t even be for that much satisfaction! All of these characters play practically the same, and, while I acknowledge there are differences and “unusual properties” involved in the creation of these fighters, I’m certainly not going to put in the time to learn the intricacies of 98 characters in 161 forms. I wasn’t going to do that when this was the latest n a deluge of DBZ games, and I’m not going to do it now that it’s a decade later and outdated as hfil.

But the drive is still there. There are fighters to unlock… and I want to unlock them. I need to unlock them. I’m a Dragon Ball Z fan! How could I turn down the chance to play as every stupid version of that stupid monkey man that won’t stop endangering all of his stupid offspring? How can I still call myself a man after ignoring the cast of OG Dragon Ball in favor of that spiky dragon from GT? What kind of monster have I become that I won’t unlock the Ox Princess!?

Who?Spoilers: I narrowly resisted wasting any more time with this franchise. And, in my heart of hearts, I know that’s only because there are some other games I want to play right now. Heck, I’d argue that the “three a week” format of the FGC is there entirely because… Well, because of this game. Sorry, Mercenary Tao in Cyborg Form, I’ve got places to be, no time to play with you now. Go save and/or destroy the planet on your own time.

So, anyway, if anyone knows a way to rewire my brain so I care about completing things that actually help people, please let me know.

FGC #329 Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3

  • System: Playstation 2 and the Nintendo Wii. Ah, those halcyon, awkward years.
  • Number of players: I want to say two. There might be some four player team nonsense in there, but it’s ultimately a two player game.
  • Favorite DBZ character (premiering in this game edition): Arale is in this! You know, the purple haired android from Dr. Slump! Who I’m convinced is somehow related to Lucca of Chrono Trigger. Though I’m not sure she actually counts as a DBZ character… Um…. Let’s say King Cold. He’s ridiculous.
  • The manHow about that roster: I love the little ridiculous distinctions between some characters. It makes sense that Gohan or Goku get different versions for different ages, but it seems a little odd when you’ve got Piccolo hanging around at different points in his (immortal) lifespan. And Trunks gets different “forms” for sword or no-sword with or without spiky hair. However, for better or worse, there is still only one Krillin. He’s a pretty stable dude.
  • Did you know? Zangya, that girl from Bojack Horseman Unbound, has a win quote that repeats “Don’t ya wish your girlfriend was tough like me? Don’t ya?” That… almost makes the entire game worth it.
  • Would I play again: Never. I like this game, I like what is happening, and I like Dragon Ball… but I know a better DBZ game is always around the corner, and I still haven’t even gotten to Xenoverse 2 at all.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Kirby & the Amazing Mirror for the Gameboy Advance! Eight angry eyes, all staring back at you! Please look forward to it!

That's gonna smart

FGC #310 Dragon Quest Heroes: The World Tree’s Woe and the Blight Below

Always plays that same music...Dragon Quest Heroes: The World Tree’s Woe and the Blight Below is a fun little game about defending towns, battling hordes, and causing unspeakable existential crises.

DQH:TWTWatBB is a Dynasty Warriors-esque game (wow, I haven’t reviewed any straight DW games in the last 300 entries? Weird) like Hyrule Warriors. In fact, this game was likely partially inspired by Hyrule Warriors, as, after toying with Gundams for a while, Dynasty Warriors now seems to be in the cross over business. The main appeal of Dragon Quest Heroes is that Dragon Quest part of the title, and that you can battle as all your favorite characters (and Kiryl) from the DQ games that actually featured memorable characters. And don’t underestimate how appealing this can be to fans of a JRPG series! There’s an indescribable joy at seeing characters previously confined to menus and text busting out of their battle screens to finally jump kick across continents as they were always meant to do. Even the less dynamic spell casters of the franchise come alive when they’re dashing around dungeons and actually participating in their kasizziles. And those high tension super moves? Nothing more exciting than seeing a real, screen-clearing giga slash. Take that, you blighting monsters!

And, of course, that’s the other fun part of DQH. While Dynasty Warriors or even Hyrule Warriors can only hope for an interesting boss/general after mowing down swarms of unnamed and uninteresting trash mobs, Dragon Quest has literally decades worth of additions to its bestiary. And many of those creatures were designed by Akira Toriyama, the master of transforming inanimate objects and heaps of ripped muscles into beings brimming with personality by adding only two eyes and a mouth (and occasionally some dangerously spiky hair). Why fight ten thousand generic goblins when slimes, dracies, and chimeras are available? Even the more common beasts (Living Armor comes immediately to mind) are more interesting than SLASH!“anonymous guy with a sword and shield”. And is there a more iconic recolor than the humble metal slime? You’ve lost your spot, Reptile. Nobody farms you for experience.

But those monsters are where we run into problems. While I know nobody shows up to the Warriors series for the plot, DQ is a JRPG franchise (and a charming one at that), so there has to be something of a overarching story to the proceedings, and it’s a little better than “angry king wants to rule the world”. Well, okay, it does contain that, but the inciting incident of the piece involves all the previously friendly monsters in the (this) DQ world going haywire at the behest of a dark tribe/dude/dragon. But for monsters to come unraveled, they must once have been raveled, right? Yes, apparently the monsters of this world were universally friendly before the events of the game, and the opening cinematic shows gigantic golems handing out balloons, and potentially malevolent magicians putting on happy elemental shows for kids. This… is confusing.

Come on get happy

Okay, let’s get the obvious out of the way: they’re called monsters. That is not a word with a good connotation, and it’s hard to believe there were centuries of DQ denizens telling their children, “Go out and play with the nice monsters, honey.” Let’s just assume that “monster” is something of a genus in this world, and be done with that line of thinking. Similarly, the more… monstrous of the monsters must have some greater, less-balloon based functions in this DQ’s society. We’ve already seen vicious saber cats used as mounts in other games, and one could argue that creatures literally called Killing Machines are maybe killing deer or cows or other living things that need killing for whatever reason. Slimes and Genie Sanguinis are likely just the hamsters of this universe, and a King Cure Slime or two probably assists in medical procedures. Trolls are just, ya know, trolls. Maybe they eat billy goats, but otherwise they’re just helpful sorts that assist in reaching that top shelf. Gigantes are there when you need to work on the roof.

But while I can forgive walking masonry and sentient puddles running around the place, there’s one monster that always makes me scratch my head.

Gargh

This is a Walking Corpse. It is clearly a zombie. It is a monster known for being part of the undead class, and traditionally uses “undead” style attacks, with darkness or poison style properties. It is a mobile, rotting cadaver. By all accounts, this is a person that used to be alive, is now dead, but is somehow still up and about. This is a living dead guy.

And what the hell does that mean!?

There are monsters and humans in this world. There is a clear line of distinction between the two. With the exception of Healix the Blessed Heal Slime, every last monster goes crazy at the start of the adventure. Every single one, from wee Man o’ Wars to Marquis de Léon. Conversely, there is not a solitary human that joins the dark brotherhood. It would really help the villainous Velasco to have a human, elf, or dwarf army on his side, but he proves that he’s only capable of controlling monsters and one Lightling (and that only lasts for a chapter or two). In short, there’s an easy way to tell if you’re a monster or human (or approximation thereof) in this world: if you started rampaging the minute a dark dragon said so, you’re a monster. If not, you got a human there, fella. Very simple distinction.

Whippy whippySo what does this mean to our friend the Walking Corpse? If there is a clear line between human and monster, how does a human become a monster? Is this a simple matter of eating a brain before death, and then being cursed to wander as a walking corpse for the rest of your days? But, wait, if monsters are usually friendly in this environment, then… how would that be a curse? Eternal life for the low, low cost of always being smelly and maybe losing an eyeball? Sign me up! But is it consensual? Is a Walking Corpse summoned by a necromancer, and it doesn’t matter if you were a saint or a sinner, your body is part of the undead army now? Or is it a matter of individual spirits possessing individual bodies, once again completely devoid of any consent? Is cremation popular in this universe for that very reason? And what of remaining family members? Do the little ones play with Grandpa Zombie? Are you expected to visit your parents decades after they’ve died just because they have undead mobility? And are we expected to buy birthday presents for creatures that cannot die?

Walking corpses raise way too many questions! And I killed thousands of them over the course of the game! This raises only further questions!

Luckily, they’re the only monster in the Dragon Quest Heroes that…

'Dem Bones

Oh Goddess dammit. I’m just going to let Bjørn the Behemoose stomp that world to paste and be done with it.

FGC #310 Dragon Quest Heroes: The World Tree’s Woe and the Blight Below

  • System: Playstation 4, Playstation 3, PC, and… Switch? Uh… are we ever getting that port? I’m pretty sure portable would work well with this game.
  • Number of players: One. This is a point of contention.
  • Longest title in the FGC? Maybe. It’s between that and that Adventure Time game.
  • Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: I’m starting to wonder if I really enjoy Warriors-like games. They’re fun for a few minutes at a time (and the levels here are blissfully much shorter than similar stages from Hyrule Warriors), but that quickly wears thin. What’s more, it seems like the only innovation the game can show for various levels is different kinds of escort missions, and whether you’re protecting a wall or a random village, it’s still a damn escort mission. All that said, I am all about controlling DQ Heroes in non-JRPG settings, and would also be down for Dragon Quest: Theatrhythm, Dragon Quest: The Platformer, and Dragon Quest: Ultra Chess. Dragon Quest: Minecraft is a maybe.
  • KICK!Favorite Character: Alena always needed a world where she could stretch her legs, and her wild combat style here does not disappoint. And her accent, like her ridiculous hat, is adorable. Contrariwise, Terry is so terrible that I never want to play Dragon Quest VI again. Shut up about your stupid sword, Terry!
  • Did you know? “Dragon Quest Heroes” seemed to just be the coverall moniker for spin-off Dragon Quest games, like the best DQ game ever, Rocket Slime. However, Dragon Quest Heroes: The World Tree’s Woe and the Blight Below and its sequel seems to have snatched that title for the Warriors-esque franchise, as any searches for “Dragon Quest Heroes” returns almost exclusively this title. So, long story short, Rocket Slime is again ignored forever.
  • Would I play again: Nope! What? I like this game well enough, but there’s a sequel with… Angelo instead of Yangus? Oh, bullocks, I might never play this franchise ever again.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Town & Country II: Thrilla’s Surfari for the NES! It’s the gorilla my dreams! Or something! Please look forward to it!

Do it!