Category Archives: Fiction

FGC #391 Star Fox 64 3D

Let us review how it only took one greedy pig to ruin the universe.

Here is Pigma Dengar.

Oink

First, we shall consider Pigma’s past. Pigma was a member of the original Star Fox team. This gang included not only Pigma, but also Peppy Hare and its leader, James McCloud. And, if you examine the infrastructure of the original Star Fox, you’ll find that being a mercenary space pilot was a pretty cushy gig. Sure, you were flying across the universe straight into danger on all fronts… but it certainly paid well. The Star Fox custom ships were all the latest in technological advancement, and, let’s be real here, that costs a pretty penny. And then there’s the Great Fox, a gigantic, airborne aircraft carrier that could quickly hop around the galaxy. James needed a 70 year loan to purchase that incredible ship… and I don’t care what planet you’re on, a bank isn’t going to hand out that kind of scratch without a flawless credit rating. Essentially, history shows that, prior to the Lylat Wars, Star Fox was making bank.

But Pigma wanted more.

WeeeeeeIt might be speciest, but Pigma was a pig through and through. Pigma was perfectly willing to sell out his companions and entire operation for, what, a few pieces of silver? The whole Star Fox operation was squashed in one day thanks entirely to Pigma’s greed. The cunning pig led James McCloud and Peppy Hare into a lethal trap, and only Peppy was able to escape with his life. James was gone, Peppy was wounded, and Pigma had indisputably switched sides. It was this event that would then inevitably lead to rise of Andross, and the Lylat Wars would occur shortly thereafter.

And consider Andross: he may have once been the most hated ape in the galaxy, but, one way or another, Andross’s tale is one of an underdog. Andross was singularly brilliant even as a child, and was focused on protecting his home planet of Corneria. However, his ambitions outstripped his abilities, and, in a fateful accident, a chunk of the capital was outright obliterated. General Pepper, seeing no other recourse, exiled Andross to Venom, a planet so inhospitable, it was literally named for poison. But Andross thrived in this environment, and, from the nothing that was a demon class planet, Andross had amassed an army. It was then that he was able to tempt Pigma to his side, and put an end to the original Star Fox team. Andross came from nothing, had all of his resources stripped away, and was still able to successfully launch a rebellion with the help of one greedy pig that already had more than his fair share of wealth. Andross was hated and reviled, but no one can say he merely inherited that title.

I hate everything!And, while we are speaking of privilege, we must consider Pigma’s lost quarry: Peppy Hare. Peppy escaped that fateful trap that finished James McCloud, and hopped on home to relay the news to Fox McCloud, son of James. Fox was an excellent pilot in his own right, but was he prepared to take up the Star Fox mantle? Was he at all qualified to lead a team of mercenaries on a blood quest to avenge his father? Or was Fox less fox, and more a lamb to the slaughter? Peppy never seemed like a vengeful hare, but he did immediately conscript his inexperienced “nephew” in a bloody war without a second thought. And, advanced or not, did anyone truly believe that four ships would succeed in stopping Andross where an entire army had failed? And who the hell thought it was a good idea to make the amphibious mechanic a pilot? Was this “team” thrown together with the same care as a middling salad? We now see Star Fox as a group of heroes that have saved the universe on multiple occasions, but, at the time, it was just a bloodthirsty rabbit and a kid that inherited his father’s empire. One might suppose we should be thankful was Fox McCloud was firmly on the side of the angels.

But Pigma certainly was not. Star Fox was assembled to destroy Andross, and Star Wolf was assembled to counter that vanguard. Or was it? Data on the Star Wolf team prior to the Lylat Wars is sketchy at best. What we do know is that Andross was responsible for the Wolfen craft that the team employs, and we’re all well aware that Andrew earned his seat at the table through being Andross’s nephew. But Pigma? It’s unclear how Pigma joined the gang. Was he with Star Wolf from the beginning, or did he join only when Andross offered a bounty? Are the rumors true, and Pigma is also the reason Fox and Wolf have an eternal rivalry? Whatever his origin, Pigma was certainly a member of Star Wolf exclusively for the paycheck, and, ace piloting skills or not, he was only interested in “finishing the job” for the money.

Which he didn’t. Star Wolf failed, Andross failed, and Star Fox brought peace to the galaxy. Pigma was out of a job.

SpicyBut greed doesn’t evaporate after a single setback. Pigma may have been financially and morally bankrupt, but it was still a big galaxy, and not being accepted by polite society never stopped this pig. Despite being targeted by the Cornerian Army, Star Fox, and Star Wolf (his former companions), Pigma was able to make a living as a pirate.

And then his greed nearly destroyed the universe. Again.

Aparoids, mechanical monsters from the furthest reaches of the galaxy, invaded the Lylat System. These insect-like creatures may have been merely a galactic annoyance, but Pigma thought he could make a quick buck by getting his hoggish hands on a Core Memory, and selling it to the highest bidder. His plan may have worked… except the core assimilated Pigma, and transformed him into a galactic engine of destruction. Mecha Pigma then severely damaged the climate control center of Fichina, and effectively killed an entire planet. Before he was finally destroyed by Star Fox, Pigma had left an indelible scar on the face of the galaxy, and all in the name of buying a bigger pig pen.

So is there a moral to Pigma’s story? He had it all, gave it away for more, but, in the end, died a penniless captive of his own avarice. “Don’t be greedy” seems like a pretty obvious lesson here, but maybe there’s something more. Maybe we’re supposed to realize what greed does: that, given the option, there are some people that would absolutely choose to endanger everyone and everything in the name of profit. Maybe the moral is not to avoid being this type of person, but to never enable someone that would even think of doing such a thing. Greed is bad, we know that, but perhaps it is more important to guard against the greedy than worry about the dominion of our own hearts.

Though, one would suppose, a coda is important here.

Right?There are some that say Pigma survived. Despite the destruction of the Aparoid hive, Pigma lived on, now fused with the core he stole long ago, and became some manner of… space box. This new creature is neither living nor dead, though seemingly possessed of Pigma’s repellant personality. Perhaps this is the ultimate fate for one so fueled by greed. Perhaps, trapped in a prison of his own making, screaming at the void and attempting to distract heroes from their real goals, perhaps that is where greed leads in the end.

But that kind of appropriate punishment will not bring back the lives lost.

Beware the pigs of this galaxy, citizens. Beware the pigs.

FGC #391 Star Fox 64 3D

  • System: Nintendo 3DS. If we’re talking about the original, which we’re not, then you’d have to hit the N64.
  • Number of players: Multiplayer is still possible, right? Let’s say four. Wait, they dropped the on-foot mode? Lame.
  • Hey, genius, none of this is canon anymore: Yes, Star Fox Zero apparently has rewritten the Star Fox timeline once again. And maybe Star Fox 2 is now partially canon, too, thanks to the SNES Mini? I don’t care. Star Fox 64 got the coolest strategy guide, so it’s the most canon.
  • Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: I’m not generally a fan of the Star Fox series, as I prefer my shoot ‘em ups to be 2-D, and the 3-D perspective somehow doesn’t work with my brain (I have a tendency to gauge distances wrong… and smash right into things. Sorry, Fox), but Star Fox 64 is my favorite of the franchise. Maybe I just like charging lasers? Or maybe it came out at just the right time to be the only game available on my only current system for a few months (thanks, N64!). Whatever the reason, this is the only Star Fox title that ever really clicked with me, and the 3DS version only makes it better. So time to pay, Andross!
  • Tanks a lot!Other Vehicles: This is also the first Star Fox game to get bored with Arwings, and introduce the tank and submarine. They’re both awful, and I hate them. I don’t understand how some videogames keep making tanks awful, but here we are.
  • For the ladies: Katt Monroe appears to be the only woman in this entire war. This would bother me more if I wasn’t dreadfully aware of what happens to women in the Star Fox fandom.
  • Did you know? If you battle Star Wolf more than once during an adventure, they will return with “battle damage” and cybernetic enhancements that presumably cover their many scars. And Wolf himself gets a pile of band-aids. Considering how furry that dude is, that has got to be painful.
  • Would I play again: Probably yes. Out of many Star Fox games, this one seems to be my one return engagement, and sticking it on a portable system doesn’t hurt. And I can punish a pig, which is always good.

What’s next? Random ROB… can be kind of funny sometimes. As you may be aware, I “roll” Random ROB pretty far in advance, and, by complete coincidence, it created its own theme week thanks to three sequential games that actually all work together well. So, next week we’ll start with Rocko’s Modern Life: Spunky’s Dangerous Day, and kick off TV Week, a week featuring games based on TV shows. Please look forward to it!

Off to the next adventure

FGC #370 Mighty Bomb Jack

Mighty!Jack? Mighty Bomb Jack? You want to know about good ol’ Jack? Ha! Okay, pull up a stool, I’ll tell you about Jack.

First thing you gotta understand about this whole thing is that it was the 80’s. You’re probably too young to remember this, but back then, we had kind of this… fad going. Not some stupid fidget spinner nonsense or pants around your ankles or whatever, no, back then we knew how to make a fad. Back then we had style. Back then, this circular fella, he had an eating disorder, and he decided to make that some kind of noble thing. He got his yellow ass chased by some ghosts, and suddenly, everybody was callin’ him a hero. A hero! For popping pills! But it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that everybody was worshipping this round boy, and then a couple of other guys get it in their heads that they want to be heroes, too. Before anybody realized what was happening, everybody was claiming to be a hero, and, for a whole quarter, you could hear their stories. And it might sound crazy, but some men got rich off those quarters.

Now, back when it all first happened, it was just random yokels running and jumping. I knew this guy, simple guy, had a simple name like Harvey or Harry or whatever, this guy decides he’s gonna run through some jungles, and get rich doing it. And he did! But you look for Henry on the street, even when he was at his most famous, and you’d never recognize him. Green shirt, green pants, he’s just some average schmoe. And a lot of the other “heroes” noticed that. Some people, they’re cool with not being recognized, but people who were trying to earn barrels full of quarters through their own “brand” alone? Those were not the kind of people that wanted anonymity. Those were the kind of people that want to be known, nay, lauded for their deeds and style. So the big costume craze hit next, and by ’84, Jack was getting ready to hit the scene.

WeeeeeNow, I mentioned that whole costume thing for a reason. A few years before Jack, there was this Italian fellow. Word was this kid was a carpenter or a plumber or something, but what was important was that he made the whole “blue collar” thing work. Personally, I never cared for it, because, come on, you got your first initial monogramed on your hat? What? You couldn’t afford to stick your whole name up there? Need to collect a few more coins, champ? But who cares, you’re not talking to me for my fashion advice, and neither was Jack. Jack comes to me, I remember this was April of ’83, and Jack says to me, “This new guy! They’re calling him Jump Man! I’m Jumpin’ Jack! What am I supposed to do?” And you know what? Jack had a point.

See, Jack had one amazing skill: he could jump good. You see your basketball players nowadays, and everybody says “they’ve got the ups”, but Jack? Jack could jump the entire height of a warehouse. Guy could jump up to the moon if he had to, and, believe me, he thought he might have to. Jack had always been good at jumping, and now, out of nowhere, there’s this other guy, and everybody is calling him Jump Man. And the kicker? He couldn’t even jump that well! He could vault a barrel, which, don’t get me wrong, is pretty hard in a stressful situation, but could he jump up to the top and jump on that giant monkey pal of his? No! Everybody is calling this schmuck “Jump Man”, but he can barely jump, and our expert jumper Jack here is going to come out, call himself a master jumper, and everybody is just going to say he’s ripping off the other guy. I tell ya, Jack was distraught.

So I says to him, I says, “Jack, look at this loser. He’s wearing overalls. Give it a couple years, nobody is going to remember this dingus. He’s a nobody, and you’re a somebody. You, you’re gonna bring class back to this whole operation. You’re not a ‘Jump Man’, you’re a Mighty Man! You’re gonna jump, you’re gonna jump the best out of all of ‘em, and they’re gonna call you Mighty Jumpin’ Jack! Totally different guy from that mustachioed loser. And you’re gonna let ‘em know it, too! You’re gonna wear a circus strongman getup, strap on a cape, and wear an awesome helmet with horns on the sides. Nobody is going to mess with you.”

Hey hot stuffJack was a good guy, and, while I know I might have gotten a little crazy with that hat idea at the end, he immediately went for it. He was excited, and you could see it in his eyes. He started talking about how he was going to go to Egypt, and beat back an army of mummies, and save everybody from the pyramids, and, God, I think back on it, and it was like watching a man get born all over again. Now he was a man with a mission, and Mighty Jumping Jack was going to be the world’s next biggest hero.

Of course, things got a little complicated for Jack along the way. Every hero needs a villain, and this scoundrel by the name of Belzebut stepped up to challenge our boy. Seems it wouldn’t be enough for Jack to collect treasures in the pyramids of yore, nope, he also had to collect the million or so bombs that Belzebut had strewn about the place. That Belzebut had this whole “if I can’t have it all, I’ll blow it all up” thing going on, and, yes, we all needed a hero to save our priceless Egyptian monuments. Jack collects the bombs with his jumping skills, saves the day, and we’re all set forever. You really think about it, the whole situation should have made our jumping pal an international star. But you see Mighty Jumping Jack on any t-shirts lately? No, no you do not.

I blame those stupid bombs.

I want to say this again, and I know I just said it, but you’ve gotta pay attention to this: Jack collected bombs. He dodged mummies, nabbed treasure, and gathered bombs so he could defuse them. Jack never, not even once, used those bombs. Bombs were Jack’s enemy. No like bombs. Very straightforward. Bombs bad.

What is even happening hereBut Jack saves a international monument, comes back to the states, and starts telling his tale to these blokes at Tecmo. Jack goes through the whole rigmarole, mentions the bomb thing like, once, and what do they call him? Mighty Jumping Jack dies, and Mighty Bomb Jack stands in his place. Mighty Bomb Jack! I tell you, nobody reads Bat Joker Man comics, and nobody is going to see the latest movie with Luke Deathstar Skywalker. You don’t put the enemy in the title! Everybody thinks the exact wrong thing! They expect a guy that is gonna use bombs, and they get a guy that is good at jumping! No bombing involved! What is the audience supposed to think, huh? I’ll tell you what they think: they think that they got ripped off! You want mighty bombs, you go deal with that bomber git, not our pal Jack. Jack is for the jumper in us all, and nobody remembers that thanks to those fat cats at Tecmo.

Well, you know the rest of the story. Mighty Bomb Jack saved a pyramid or two, rescued a royal family, and hung up his horned helmet shortly thereafter. People enjoyed Jack’s antics, but it was a crowded market back then, and Jack started off on far too wrong a foot to ever survive. In time, other trends started to take over, and, by about the time “rodents with attitude” started being a thing, ol’ Jack had been completely forgotten. Sunrise, sunset, I suppose.

But don’t worry about Jack. You know that royal family he rescued? Well, he married a princess, and I hear that they’ve got a grandkid coming any day now. Can that plumber fella say that? I don’t think so. And, while Jack might not be the best known American hero, Egypt hasn’t forgotten Jack’s contributions, and they got him a modest statue in one of their big cities. Cairo? I’m sorry, I’m not much for geography. Point is that Mighty Bomb Jack, terrible name and all, is remembered some places. Oh! And he donated most of that treasure stash to orphans! So there’s a lot of good in this world now thanks to a guy that just really, really knew how to jump.

What’s that the kids say nowadays? He’s the bomb? Yeah, maybe you were just ahead of your time, Jack. Jack, you were a mighty man, and the bomb.

… Ugh, that sounds terrible.

Now pour me another pint, and I’ll tell you what really happened to Alex Kidd.

FGC #370 Mighty Bomb Jack

  • Good biosphereSystem: Mighty Bomb Jack was originally a NES game, but then appeared on nonsense like the Atari ST, Commodore 64, and Gameboy. Only one of those things qualifies as a real system. Oh, and Wii Virtual Console, too.
  • Number of players: There was a Vs. version that had two players, but it’s single player on the NES, so we’re going with that.
  • Who put the Mighty in Mighty Bomb Jack: The original Bomb Jack was a single screen, hop around affair for the arcade. Mighty Bomb Jack added fully scrolling stages, and relegated the “single room” areas primarily to bonus rooms. … Or at least they felt like bonus rooms. Point being that this is basically the same difference between Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros., except Nintendo expanded that property into a gigantic, sprawling franchise, and Tecmo did not grant Bomb Jack the same boon.
  • Favorite Confusing Moment: Mummies are Jack’s primarily antagonists. Mummies are capable of transforming into parrots, skulls, and bugs. Life is like fighting a mummy, you never know what you’re going to get.
  • Did you know? If you collect too many powerups in Mighty Bomb Jack, you are sentenced to the Torture Room, where you must survive for a set amount of time before being granted an exit.

    What?

    Could you imagine if this feature was implemented in other videogames? Could you imagine if it was implemented in a Wario title? It would change the face of gaming. … For the worse.

  • Would I play again: Oh yeah, this game is really boring. And annoying. Sorry, Jack, you’re going back into retirement.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Taz-Mania for… Let’s make things interesting! All next week, we’ll be pitting SNES and Genesis titles against each other in a no-holds-barred battle for supremacy. So we’ll be kicking it off with Taz-Mania for the Sega Genesis vs. Taz-Mania for the Super Nintendo. And we’ll wash it all down with a refreshing glass of OJ. Please look forward to it!

FGC #327 Metroid 2: Return of Samus

This is some terrible musicMetroids are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, use for entertainment, or exterminate in any way.

As a proud citizen of the Galactic Federation, you’ve likely heard the smear campaign launched against the humble metroid. The rhetoric is always the same: the hated space pirates scooped up a bunch of metroids from their home on SR388, telepathically controlled the creatures with a gigantic sentient AI, and then threatened the entire galaxy with their army of “monsters”. We were all saved by the benevolent Galactic Federation and their ability to properly outsource, and the galaxy is now at peace. But the Metroid “scourge” remains! As long as SR388 is still populated by metroids, then any Tom, Dick, or Ridley could return, rustle up another army, and lay siege to our poor universe. What’s a Federation to do?

Well, if you’ve been following the latest on GFBC, you know that the Federation is currently attempting to pass legislation to exterminate all metroids. That’s right! Just because a few bad apples decided to kidnap a peaceful species and use them for evil, the Galactic Federation is going to commit genocide. We cannot let this happen! The metroid is a naturally peaceful species, and anyone that says otherwise is woefully uninformed.

We at the Metroid Preservation Association recently sent an expedition down to SR388, and here are some of the metroid fun facts they sent back.

Larval Metroid

HUGS!This is the “creature” most featured in Federation propaganda, mainly because they were the first vanguard of the Space Pirate threat. And you want to know the kick of it? This is a metroid baby. That’s right! You’re looking at the equivalent of a human toddler, or perhaps a feline kitten. Can a metroid be destructive? Of course! But no one demanded that all dogs be euthanized just because one puppy tore up the couch. Larval metroids have no concept of right or wrong, and just because they could potentially absorb the life force of a nearby organism doesn’t mean they should be eradicated.

And, speaking of which, have you ever seen a metroid feed? They don’t use mouths or teeth like many animals; no, metroids subsist entirely on hugs. Since metroids are incapable of communicating, we don’t even know if a metroid’s most threatening trait is deliberate. So many sentient creatures live their lives with a need to embrace a loving “mother”, and it is entirely possible that the shy child metroid is no different. Sure, this inevitably leads to the death of the hug recipient, but these metroids don’t know their own strength! They’re babies!

Metroid Fact: In rare situations, a larval metroid is capable of copying abilities from his or her hug buddy. Does this mean a metroid might be able “steal” the ability to talk? We’d sure like to hear about that!

Alpha Metroid

Look away!Now this is why you always observe God’s creatures in their natural habitat. Kept in captivity, a larval metroid will forever stay larval, and, at best, may use its energy to grow to absurd sizes; but leave that same metroid on SR388, and something magical happens. Through a biological process that can only be described as wondrous, a larval metroid will shed its soft shell, and grow into an alpha metroid, a creature with tiny legs, adorable tusks, and a protective shell. But don’t worry, metroid lovers, the alpha metroid still maintains a “jelly belly”, and, while those miniature appendages might not be the best for the task, they’re still hugging machines. An alpha metroid will approach its mark relentlessly, begging for hugs all the while.

Free hugs aside, think of the implication of the alpha metroid. Without observing metroids on their home world, we would have never known such a delightful being ever existed. What else are metroids capable of? We don’t know, but we do know that we’ll never find out if the Galactic Federation has their way.

Metroid Fact: If a metroid were capable of returning its absorbed energy to others, it could use said stored energy to power an entire city! Think of the glorious future where metroids and people may live happily together, freely sharing their energy and experiences. Can you envision a more idyllic paradise?

Gamma Metroid

ZapA metroid doesn’t just stop at the alpha form. It turns out that a metroid can develop even further. A gamma metroid seems to be the natural evolution of the alpha, with longer legs, bigger tusks, and even a “head horn” that looks like a charming little dunce cap. Silly gamma metroid, you’re still just a kid, you’ll learn how to get out of the corner soon enough.

The gamma metroid even learned a new trick: it can generate and distribute electricity! This is amazing, as metroid physiology previously only allowed for the absorption of energy, and it seemed that all the excess power was spent on the metroid’s strange floating ability. But the gamma metroid has extra power, and he/she knows how to use it! Lightning bolts fly from the gamma’s fangs, igniting the dark caverns of SR388 with every burst. Could gamma metroids be deliberately illuminating these passages for the benefit of their fellow SR388 inhabitants? That seems like the most apparent answer.

Metroid Fact: Metroids do not compete. In the event that multiple metroids have targeted one person for hugs, the metroids will work together, and never damage each other in pursuit of the hugee. Metroids are so polite!

Zeta Metroid

Toasty!Like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, the zeta metroid will emerge from the carapace of a gamma metroid. And this change means big things for our friend the metroid! The alpha/gamma’s “limbs” become “fingers”, and zeta now has full-fledged legs and arms. And a tail! How could any creature with a tail be worthy of extinction? And those lightning powers have evolved, too, because the zeta has the ability to spew fire and acid-like substances. These abilities are clearly there for the betterment of his or her friends, as who doesn’t like to warm up with some spicy fire breath? Why, with a zeta metroid in your kitchen, you might never need an oven ever again! And don’t forget about that acid spit for opening those hard-to-open jars!

Metroid Fact: Metroids hate the cold, which is probably why their entire planet is filled with lava. As a result, it’s not the easiest place to explore, but with a few decent barrier suits, you might find it’s a pretty nice planet with all sorts of exciting indigenous wildlife.

Omega Metroid

Look at the widdle tailAnd thus must the zeta inevitably become the omega, the final form of the humble metroid (usually). The omega metroid is basically a miniature tyrannosaurus. And that’s good! Who among us hasn’t ever desired a pet dinosaur? The omega metroid, not unlike a mastiff or a great dane, would be the perfect oversized companion for any schoolchild. Aw, look at that omega, it even looks like it’s wearing an pleasant little backpack. Wouldn’t you be happy to see Lil’ Timmy walking down the street with Lil’ ‘Meggy Metroid? Just be sure to clean up the sidewalk before that acidic drool seeps into the water supply.

Metroid Fact: If a metroid does happen to absorb all the life energy of an opponent (who was clearly asking for it), it will leave behind a stone or sand sculpture of the aggressor. Wicked people are transformed into pillars of salt in the first book of the Bible… Could metroids have visited Earth in our distant past?

Queen Metroid

QUEEN OF HUGSDid you know that metroids have a matriarchal society, and they all love their mama? It’s true! Queen Metroid is apparently the mother of all metroids on SR388, and lays eggs at an astronomical rate. While there appear to only be about forty living metroids on SR388 currently, there are a number of eggs lying around the queen’s chambers, so it looks like we’ll be seeing a population boom any minute now. And that’s great, because this galaxy could use more metroids!

The metroids are a humble, huggable race. To eliminate them and their planet would be an affront to the very precepts on which our Federation was founded. After all, if metroids were so terrible, then why didn’t our expedition team ever return? They clearly chose to stay and continue their lives on SR388, living in peace and harmony with our friends, the metroids. May the whole galaxy be as welcoming and serene as SR388.

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FGC #327 Metroid 2: Return of Samus

  • System: Nintendo Gameboy, and 3DS if you’re nasty. No, I’m not talking about the remake.
  • Number of players: There is only one metroid hunter in this galaxy.
  • Awesome new powerMaybe actually talk about the game for a second: This is such a weird game. It feels at once complete and whole, but also entirely unfinished. Samus spends what seems like forever gradually upgrading and fighting alphas and gammas, and then finally encounters her first Zeta. Then, one area full of three or so Zetas later, the mighty Omega rears its ugly head. Then you fight a couple more… and the game is basically over. You’re at the queen’s “final level”, and then all that’s left is to leave the planet in the calmest “escape sequence” ever. We were just getting going! I want more!
  • Favorite metroid form: That would be the zeta metroid. Omega is too powerful, alpha is too boring, and gamma’s stupid lightning artificially prolongs the fight with its missile blocking properties. Zeta is just right. Actually, my real favorite is the tried and true larval metroid, but they’re all over the place at this point (in, like, a whole five games).
  • So, did you beat it? Of course I did. I beat this puppy back in the day, and I did it again just now. See my AM2R review for more details on why wet paint always makes me think of SR388.
  • He’s too big: No Ridley in Metroid 2. How does something like this happen!?
  • Did you know? Shooting zeta and omega metroids in the back causes more damage… but since the Metroid series is averse to HP gauges, the average player has no hope of knowing this. Omega’s lil’ tail does twitch a little more on a back hit, I suppose.
  • Would I play again: Hopefully I won’t have to, because…

What’s next? Obviously, I’m going to spend this weekend playing the latest Metroid game, because of course I am. Will I also be ready to write about it? We’ll find out! Please look forward to it!

WINNER