I fear for the children.
So here was my plan: get some friends together, get a live stream of Akiba’s Trip: Undead and Undressed going, and close out the week publicly mocking another lame example of “anime tiddy games”. It was supposed to be a thing of beauty… But it was not to be.
Akiba’s Trip is powerfully boring. Despite teasing animated titillation in all promotional materials, Akiba’s Trip… goes nowhere. I played this nonsense for an hour and a half, and was thwarted by an attempt to buy a book for a random NPC. I think Digital Goggle Bob stripped like six people. For reference, an hour and a half into Senran Kagura, I’m pretty sure I had seen the entire cast naked. In Custer’s Revenge, everybody starts naked. If Akiba’s Trip is the future of “thirsty” anime games, there is no future in the genre at all.
But, then again, maybe that’s not a bad thing.
If you’d like to judge for yourself, feel free to watch a recording of the stream below. Please enjoy the commentary of BEAT, FanboyMaster, Morning Song, Kaptain Kibosh, Wicket, and myself. And, as always, I want to excessively thank everyone that participated, commentators and viewers.
Time Annotated Notes:
8:25 – So, apparently you can score a Game Over before the game properly starts by repeatedly choosing the geekiest option available. Considering this game tries to be humorous, punishing the player for choosing the funny option seems… ill-advised.
13:00 – The Playstation 4 version of Akiba’s Trip offers an “instant new game plus” option, and I’m going for it. It only seems fair, considering the game already killed me once for being a nerd. Also, it comes to our attention that there are five Akiba games. That’s terrible.
19:00 – Almost 20 minutes in, and I feel like this is the actual start of the game. Let’s get to strutting!
22:00 – Finally some clothing-based combat! And it’s all dudes! For a game that’s theoretically supposed to appeal to fifteen year old heterosexual boys, that’s an odd choice.
28:00 – Just about a half hour in, and the first “mission” has been cleared. Kenka Bancho: Badass Rumble is also discussed, and I’d rather be playing that for a myriad of reasons.
36:00 – After an indeterminable amount of dialogue, Digital Goggle Bob is finally allowed to explore the vast world of Akiba’s Trip. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing to do, and there’s a loading screen every twelve steps. At least we found Fanboy.
39:00 – Nearly forty minutes, and here’s our second chance at combat. I guess there is a lot of clothes ripping here, and, oh boy, there’s even a lady character model involved. Oddly, like Senran Kagura Bon Appétit!, when the visuals are the most titillating (and “most” isn’t “a lot” here), you’re expected to be hitting the most buttons. Fail.
41:30 – Kaptain Kibosh wonders who could be the target audience for this game, and… it’s hard to determine? Horny (male, heterosexual) teens is the obvious answer, but there is a lot of stupid, stupid dialogue between any remotely sexy situations. And there are a lot of half-naked dudes running around, which, given the average teen male’s overwhelming fear of being identified as gay (or having a favorite hobby identified as gay), you really have to wonder who they were aiming for here.
48:13 – A discussion regarding Reading Rainbow occurs while Digital Goggle Bob changes clothes on a city street. Apparently all of the clothing in this game has different stats, and, after a very poor showing against one random mob, I decided we should try on some better “armor”. Unfortunately, what’s good or bad is completely arbitrary, and headphones are apparently more defensive than an actual helmet. Who knew?
52:00 – Wicket is surprised by the sheer volume of dialogue in this nonsense, so BEAT explains how this is completely normal/terrible.
54:00 – Let it be known that this is the first mention of Egg Week, which will inevitably be revisited in 2019 or so.
58:00 – Hey, turns out you can assault random NPCs. It doesn’t end well.
1:04:00 – Because this game is terrible, we all discuss terrible games we played as a child. Taz the Tasmanian Devil and Looney Tunes solving crime through time is touched upon.
1:10:00 – So I started a sidequest like twenty minutes back, and it looks like it’s unwinnable. That is… exasperating.
1:19:00 – Which leads to me outright giving up somewhere around here. You can only attempt to win a stupid game so many times before you’re just done.
So, final conclusion: Akiba’s Trip is not sexy. Akiba’s Trip is boring as hell. Please seek wankery elsewhere.
WW #7 Akiba’s Trip: Undead and Undressed
- System: Playstation 3, Playstation 4, Vita, and Windows via Steam. For the purpose of this article, we hit the Playstation 4 version.
- Number of players: Unless you’ve got a group of friends watching it with you, it’s just one player.
- The best part: It goes without saying, but I should mention somewhere in this article that Digital Goggle Bob has a magnificent walk.
- Favorite Item: Yes, a Hyperdimension Neptunia body pillow is a valid weapon in this game. Akiba’s Trip keeps coming this close to being amusing… but then goes right back to being boring.
- Did you know? XSeed is responsible for the localization of this game, and one shining star in this black sky of misery is the term “Brotagonist”.
- Would I play again: I almost want to play it again just to see if that one stupid side quest is conquerable. Buuuut I don’t think that is going to happen. There are always other games to stream.
What’s next? That’s it for Wankery Week, folks! No moral given! Maybe we’ll see this theme return again next year (maybe!), but in the meanwhile, it’s back to the random robot. And Random ROB has chosen… Shadow Dancer The Secret of Shinobi for the Sega Genesis! Yay! Ninja! Please look forward to it!