I’ve mentioned before that I will buy pretty much anything if it’s marked down to ten bucks. I’ve privately referred to it as the “quarter compulsion”, as, when I was child and had a quarter, I would immediately spend that quarter on whatever useless crap the supermarket foyer area was selling. And I’ve got a collection of bouncy balls to prove it! As a responsible adult (lie), I treat a Hamilton roughly in the same manner, and that couples poorly with my tendency to hang out in videogame stores. This is just a longwinded way of excusing myself for owning this…
That’s Record of Agarest War. It’s a TRPG that I played for maybe ten minutes before outright quitting forever. I’d love to write a full review or something, but… nah. TRPGs take way too long to do anything, and there doesn’t seem to be anything compelling about dialogue box after dialogue box relaying the War of the Who Cares.
However, despite purchasing this videogame ostensibly to not play it, I do not regret the ten bucks I blew on this purchase. Why? Because this is the box that caught my eye…
Yes, I purchased “The Really Naughty Limited Edition” of Record of Agarest War. How could I say no? I own so few games that are even remotely naughty, how could I resist something that is really naughty? And look at all the goodies included!
An original soundtrack! … Wait, that’s not naughty. Oh, there’s a mousepad! And it, like, has an armrest that is meant to simulate breasts! Boobs! And a God damn pillow case! I just remembered that I never throw anything out, so that’s probably sitting in my linen closet right now! I bet hijinks are going to occur when a potential mate finds my really naughty mousepad and pillowcase! Oh, the day that will be!
Unfortunately, it seems like the “cornucopia of debauchery” ends there. This game was released before DLC became as pervasive as it is today, so there are no “extra naughty” costumes available for the in-game models, nor is this “limited edition” of the game at all different from the normal, presumably less naughty version. Boo. A well-endowed mousepad doesn’t do anything for my Xbox 360.
But! There’s still hope! The game might be ignorable, but the really naughty box is still here. So, without further ado, let us review the relative naughtiness of The Really Naughty Limited Edition Record of Agaest War… Box.
Let’s start at the top! The top fold of the box features… a half-naked elf girl. Okay. I guess she’s in bed, but is clearly not completely naked. Yes, the bed thing kind of implies sex could be happening, but I’m a mature adult (still a lie), and I’ve seen women in bed before (surprising truth). Unfortunately that has killed the naughtiness of this image for me, because, elf or not, that expression doesn’t exactly say “beckoning”. That’s more, “Wow, did you get those boxers on sale? In 1985?” or “Oh, are you actually proud of that?” Look, “woman in bed” is naughty when you’re 14, but by about the time you’re old enough to go to lectures in your pajamas, it’s literally just as mundane as waking up. Be glad this elf isn’t inexplicably wearing your old hockey jersey.
Naughtiness Rating: 4/10
And now we’ve got the bottom. First of all, congratulations, box, you’ve got a gal kinda showcasing her butt on the bottom, and that’s punny enough to be praiseworthy. But that’s about all that’s laudable here, as, man, how many women randomly in bed are we going to get here? And this one might have some manner of brain problems. She looks cold, right? Like she’s shivering? I’m hoping it’s the temperature of her current photo shoot, and not that she’s terrified of the leering perverts gazing upon this box. Yes, she’s probably cold, and the blankets are right there, so cover yourself, probably-not-elf girl. Can you not figure this out? Oh, that bodes poorly for whatever purpose you’re supposed to serve in the actual game. Unless Record of Agaest War is some kind of bed arrangement simulator. Hm… might have to actually play this game.
Naughtiness Rating: 2/10
The sides of the box each feature four randomly chosen pics, so we’ll start at the top of the right side. And here we have… a busty blonde in a school swimsuit. Sorry, this is one of those cultural things, isn’t it? Like, a lot of Japanese boys first realized they liked girls (like… like-liked girls) during P.E. swim class, and now that image of a woman in a school swimsuit is forever associated with sexy. Right? It’s not that this is some national acceptance of “soft” pedophilia, right? Because overtly sexualizing schoolchildren is wrong. We’re all clear on that? Japan is yucky, what a bunch of weirdos? We’re all together on this? Good. Now I can get back to some cheerleader porn.
Naughtiness Rating: 3/10 (American standards)
Now for a bunny girl eating a banana. If you’re somehow reading this blog via braille, I feel I should note that while “bunny girl” may conjure images of the Playboy variety, here we have a woman that apparently has natural bunny ears. And… they’re kind of floppy? Like, this is more “hare” than “bunny”, I suppose. And she’s eating a banana. That’s our phallic substitute, right? So, uh, you know what else makes a decent, edible penis substitute? A carrot. You see where I’m going with this… even if the box couldn’t figure it out.
Naughtiness Rating: 1/10 (points deducted for lack of obvious association)
An elf, possibly the same one as the top of the box, getting a massage. Massages are… kind of “you have to be there” examples of sexiness. Like, this is just Silver Elf chilling. Actually, it kind of reminds me of those “candid” pictures of women at beaches sunbathing, and, ya know, incidentally they’re in bikinis. Silver Elf wants to relax, but, great, now she’s on the side of a supposedly extra naughty box. Thanks for reminding me that women can barely leave the house without being objectified, RoAW!
Naughtiness Rating: 5/10 (but not for sexy reasons)
Blowing a kiss, or eating something out of her palm? Maybe she’s licking her wrist. Checking out some cute bracelet she purchased? Wait, no, I shouldn’t assume things. Maybe she just equipped some rad, death metal charm (+3 against Black Sabbath), and this picture happened to capture a moment where she’s ironically giggling before throwing up the horns and kicking the bones out of some dude riding a spiked dragon. Or maybe she’s failing at a “beckoning cat” motion? Whatever. I can’t conceive of a situation where this is “naughty” either way.
Naughtiness Rating: 1/10
For completion’s sake, here’s that entire right side together. Moving on to the left side…
Now that’s the stuff! There is a woman eating something that is unmistakably phallic, and she has a sort of “I’ve bitten off more than I can chew” expression. That’s naughty! Yes! It’s like a dirty joke! Rock! You’re doing the pervert’s work here, Really Naughty Limited Edition. Bless you.
Naughtiness Rating: 8/10
And then… what the hell is happening here? Okay, I suppose the obvious implication is that Sweatband Elf has tripped, and a hand is extending to help her up. However, that is one gnarly looking hand. Those fingers do not look… helpful. Given this is the “really naughty” box, I’m inclined to believe something… lewd is about to happen. The way our featured heroine has clasped her knees together also gives me pause. I feel like we should not be seeing this… and maybe “naughty” isn’t the appropriate word for this box.
Naughtiness Rating: ??/10
This… is probably naughty? This (those are cat ears… right?) cat girl is being trust up by vines or something. And if it wasn’t for her (pink?) tail, you’d be able to see her lady parts. That’s naughty! Wow, left side of the box is really bringing the naughtiness and/or bondage.
Naughtiness Rating: 7/10
And, finally, we have… I want to say this one is peeing. Huh. Okay, whatever floats your boat, RoAW. Who am I to judge? Well, technically all I’m doing is judging. But still! I guess this image gets partial credit, as, while I don’t think it’s the “naughtiness” you usually advertise, sticking a urinating elf on the side of a box sold at Gamestop is pretty naughty.
Naughtiness Rating: 5/10
And… that’s it? That’s all the naughtiness we get here? That’s barely enough naughtiness to fill a teacup! I suppose this is more naughtiness than you normally get in, say, Bubble Bobble, but I don’t even think we’ve hit the naughtiness echelon you can reach with your average Final Fantasy optional costume. Poor form, The Really Naughty Limited Edition of Record of Agarest War. You’re barely naughty at best.
I was cheated. I want my ten bucks back.
WW #6 Record of Agarest War
- System: Xbox 360 and Playstation 3, apparently.
- Number of players: One. Only ever going to be one.
- Could you play this with someone else in the room: Man, I still feel dirty thanks to purchasing this game from another human being. I would hate to admit that… Oh God everyone can see the internet!
- Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: I seriously only played ten minutes of this thing to grab a screenshot or two. This is a powerfully boring TRPG, and I refuse to play any TRPG with “marriage mechanics” that isn’t at least remotely associated with Smash Bros.
- Did you know? Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover.
- Would I play again? I barely played it the first time!
What’s next? I’m gonna take a trip with some friends this Sunday. Please look forward to it!