Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Yes, it’s time to announce the winners of the Videogame Bob Awards, with me, your host, Goggle Bob. Are you ready to hear this year’s winners? You know you are!
First Videogame Bob Award: Bobby is Going Home
We start this ceremony the same way every year, by honoring the first Bob in videogames: Bobby of Bobby is Going Home! For those of you that have never experienced the perennial 1983 title, Bobby is Going Home tells the tale of Bobby, who, guess what, ladies and germs, is going home! He’s got to clear seven screens of random flora/fauna that is surprisingly murderous (whoever thought a butterfly could lead to so many dead Bobbys?), and then get into his house before time runs out. It’s kind of like Pitfall, if Pitfall didn’t allow for backtracking or feature any kind of area variety. But the one thing Bobby is Going Home has that Pitfall doesn’t is a starring Bob, and this isn’t the 34th Annual Videogame Harry Awards.
Keep dodging those murderous ducks, Bobby! You’ll always have a home in our hearts!
Most Promising Young Bob Award: Bobby Zilch
Hey, is this the Bob Awards or the Bobby Awards? Am I right, Bobs? We’ve got another partial Bob here, and he’s winning an award entirely because he’s a heel. Bobby Zilch of Psychonauts is the prime bully of Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp, and spends the majority of his time terrorizing the “real” hero of Psychonauts, Raz. But Raz ain’t no Robert, so it’s Bobby that has captured all of our hearts and minds. Did you know that lil’ Bobby Zilch is only twelve, but has burgeoning levitation powers? And that, despite being a bully in a coming of age story, he does not receive some dramatic, kharmatic comeuppance? That’s just like a proper Bob: dishing it out and never having to take it. Hope you hook up with that Chloe you’ve had your multi-colored eyes on, Bobby! We’re all rooting for you!
Most Forgettable Bob Award: Bob Charlie
Bob Charlie never made it out of his debut game, and he is sorely missed. Well, he would be, at least, if anyone could remember he ever existed. Look, Bob, you’re a good guy. You’re a Bob, which is already a plus, and you’ve got this whole Bob Marley thing going on, and that’s to be commended in a field where your contemporaries are gigantic Canadians and cracked Irishmen, but you’re also a head swap of Gabby Jay. Gabby Jay, man! He’s the worst! Literally, the worst! And sure, you might be difficult to dizzy, but you’re no Nick Bruiser. Heck, you’re barely even a Don Flamingo. It’s a shame, but this is another year you’re going to win the Most Forgettable Bob Award. We would have awarded it to you last year, but, sadly, we forget we had started this category. Sorry.
Biggest Bob Award: Bob Richards
Ah, the tale of Bob Richards, the formerly svelte and dreamy Bob of the Tekken franchise who decided that he needed to pack on a few pounds to conquer the heavyweight class, but… may have gone a little overboard. He’s still a great guy and an excellent martial artist, but, well, let’s say he’s not passing up any Hawaiian shirt sales anymore. Legends claim there’s still a “Slim Bob” somewhere out there, but it looks like this Big Bob is here to stay (and kick some ass). What’s important is that Tekken has its own big, fat American to tackle Street Fighter’s Rufus, and that comes in handy during crossover season. Akuma and Heihachi can have a muscle off, but it’s Bob ‘n Rufus showing us how the heavies handle things.
Most Frequent Bob Award: Final Fantasy (Series)
In conducting research for this, the Videogame Bob Awards, we noticed something odd. We booted up an old copy of Final Fantasy, and found that the hero was named Bob. Final Fantasy 2? Same thing. Final Fantasy 3? Four Bobs! And who can forget the legendary tale of Final Fantasy 4, staring the dark knight Bob venturing forth with Dragoon Vince. Final Fantasy 5 starred Bobz, and Final Fantasy 6 saw the thief with a heart of gold, Bob, rescuing Nicky the half-esper. Bob of Final Fantasy 7 fought bravely against Sephiroth, and the romance between Bob and Jenn of Final Fantasy 8 is legendary. Bob had a tail in Final Fantasy 9, and terrible pants in Final Fantasy 10. That’s ten solid games worth of Bobs! While Square-Enix seems to have gotten away from the tradition as of Final Fantasy 12, you could even spot a number of Bobs in Final Fantasy 11 & 14. So, this year, we’re awarding the brand new “Most Frequent Bob Award” to the Final Fantasy franchise. Keep on saving the world, Bobs!
Honorable mention goes to the Dragon Quest series, which also stars a number of Bobs, though loses points because its best characters are usually female secondary characters, and Alena ain’t no Bob.
Most Tolerable Bobot Award: B.O.B.
He’s not the best Bob around, and he kind of only makes it in on a technicality, but there are only so many Bob robots out there. Okay, that isn’t true. There are probably as many Bobots as Robots in the shiny, genocidal future of the mechanical uprising, but that’s perhaps why B.O.B. wins the Most Tolerable trophy this year. Does B.O.B. kill any humans? Does B.O.B. harm any flesh-based Bobs? Does B.O.B. do anything but get stuck in really poorly designed, irritating mazes? No on all accounts. B.O.B. follows the first rule of robotics (“Do no harm [to Bobs]”), so I guess that’s worthy of an award. Way to go, unit B.O.B.
Lifetime Bob Achievement Award: Bob-Omb
This year, the most prestigious Bob award goes to the explosive Bob-Omb. After humble origins in Super Mario Bros. 2, a game that is often dismissed as “not a real Mario game”, Bob-Omb went on to return in Super Mario Bros. 3, maybe the most Mario game to have ever existed. And Bob returned again and again for other adventures, gaining entire kingdoms (and portraits), and even migrating over to the Smash Bros. series. Want to know why dedicated players turn off all items? It’s because of this Bob right here, and all the chaos he can cause. And who can forget Bob-Omb’s turn as one of the stars of the Super Mario Bros. film? Mario Party, Mario Kart, Puzzles and Dragons, The Legend of Zelda: Bob-Omb has been all over the gaming world, and he’s stayed the same ol’ Bob we all know and love. Here’s to you, Bob-Omb, our most explosive Lifetime Bob Achievement Award winner yet!
And that’s it for the Videogame Bob Awards! Come back next year, when we will once again snub Bubble Bobble!
FGC #239 Bobby is Going Home
- System: Atari 2600. That’s it.
- Number of players: One? If it’s two player, it 2P Alternating, but… I don’t think so?
- Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: There’s not much to talk about here. You move from left to right, you jump, and… that’s it. Dodge a few ducks, try not to drown, and you’re good. There are pretty flowers in the foreground.
- So, did you beat it? The moving bridges are nearly impossible to time properly with Bobby’s anemic jump, but, if you can make it past those obstacles, there isn’t much else to fear. I’m already pretty good at dodging butterflies in reality, so that skill translates well to the digital world.
- Did you know? If you plug “Famous Bob” into Google, the first result seems to consistently be Bob Dylan. Given the current status of Google in the American consciousness, I’d say that makes Bob Dylan the most famous Bob in the world. The times, they are a Bobin’.
- Would I play again: And waste another eight minutes of my life? Nah.
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Mario and Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story for Nintendo DS! Looks like we’ll be going deep in our next entry. Please look forward to it!