Castlevania Aria of Sorrow and Castlevania Dawn of Sorrow revealed something important about the Castlevania Mythos: Dracula rules a castle of eclectic monsters because he stole the souls of every one of those beasts. In retrospect, this makes perfect sense, because, what, you think Dracula was paying Frankenstein to be eternally whipped to death by some barbarian dude? No, of course not, Dracula sees what he wants and takes it, whether that be souls or delicious cherry pop. End of the day, Dracula populated his abode with monsters from all over the place pretty much because he could, and I can’t blame a dude with a fabulous cape for wanting a few ectoplasmic entities floating about to add to the décor.
But then you have to contemplate: how did Dracula get all these wonderful toys?
Consider the zombies and skeletons that infest any given castle of chaos. These guys are obvious, right? Right from the start, nitwits with weapons slightly less effective than whips attempted to raid Dracula’s castle, and, whether they got past the first hallway or not, their collective tales ended in failure. Maybe it was the random bats (they’re indigenous), the basement full of mermen, or poor architectural upkeep leading to a number of staircase incidents, but, one way or another, Dracula probably had a plethora of human souls to toy with by the first time Trevor showed up. And why let a soul go to waste. Still got your skin? Go skulk around the entryway, you zombie. Feeling a little more boney? Then toss your infinity ribs at any invading vampire hunters. And if you don’t feel like being on the front lines, why not make Drac some curry? Special positions are still available for any lady zombies that have flesh and karate skills (and maybe a bone-based vacuum). And if your raid on Dracula’s castle was somehow a couple’s event, then feel free the haunt one of our many luxurious ballrooms. You’ll never want to leave!
Then we start to get into the fun bits. Want to know why Dracula didn’t set up shop immediately after Legacy of Darkness (the game wherein Dracula rose to power through defeating the nefarious but generally nonthreatening Walter)? It’s because he went on a magnificent world tour! Whether you want a Medusa or just her head, you’ve gotta go to Greece. And while you’re there, why not grab a harpy or minotaur? Then it’s off to Mexico, because Quetzalcoatl ain’t gonna fly over to your castle just to hang out with fleamen. Balore and wargs love northern Europe, and Amalaric Snipers are really into the local goth scene. The Salem Witches probably come from somewhere, though I can’t immediately figure out where. Oh, and Mothman? There was an… incident involving a helpful peasant mishearing Dracula and providing directions to Pennsylvania. Got a random cryptid and an extra zombie soul out of that mistake.
A portion of Castlevania’s bestiary is clearly the result of Drac’s do-it-yourself, can-do attitude. Alura Une is the consequence of watering normal plants with blood? Great! Some of the walls of the castle have been bleeding lately, and it’s a shame to throw out good wall-blood. And while we’ve got the gardening equipment out, may as well get those skeletons to harvest screaming vegetables. And if some of the local slugs grow large enough to eat people, hey, bonus. Drac randomly stopping by a synagogue for a few weeks led to a few DIY golems, and any extra materials may be recycled into haunted tombstones. The haunted tables were just a happy accident. And that dang Quetzalcoatl seems to keep leaving his spare heads around the place, so let’s build those into chic pillars. An afternoon and a little superglue later, and you’ve got a lovely corner piece that incidentally is capable of incinerating your enemies. Hooray!
And then there are the more… interesting denizens of the castle. You know how Dracula always says he’ll return from the dead stronger than before? Well, he’s not talking about himself. Every trip to Hell is basically a scouting mission for our favorite vampire, and, despite the fact that he’s only there because he got his head whipped off (again!), the demons are dimly aware that Drac can get you a night or two off from eternal torment every century or so, so why not join up with the blood sucker? Giant pig monster with a cleaver? Come on down! Winged demons of all shapes and sizes? Get over here! We’re giving away free tridents, so if oversized metal forks are your thing, this is the castle for you! Cthulhu? Gas sha haftft u’a’ ha’a! And a locust summoning cricket destined to usher in the apocalypse? Man, what took you so long!?
And then Death just kinda brought Slogra and Gaibon to the party, and Dracula was like, “Yeah, sure, whatever. I didn’t know you had other friends, but it’s cool. It’s cool.”
And, before you know it, Drac’s got a fully stocked castle. Mermen are happily swimming downstairs, skeletons are practicing their boomerang tossing, and some manner of long-legged owl is dominating a hallway or too. Vlad doesn’t even remember when the werewolves started showing up, but they seem to get along with the minotaurs well enough. The only hiccup seems to be that one zombie that is worryingly fond of his dog, but as long as he stays way the hell downstairs, Dracula is a happy vampire. It’s great when a plan comes together.
So good luck, Celia Fortner. I know you’re trying to get a whole new “Dark Lord” going with your candidates, but it’s pretty clear that centuries of development went into the original Dark Lord’s plan, and you can barely manage two jerks with bad haircuts. Did you think you could just dig up a devil foregemaster and be done with it? It’s not Soma that is going to wreck this evil plan, it’s a lack of dedication to the details that need to go into such an endeavor. Celia, do you have any idea how difficult it is to train a skeleton to serve food? Go back to your bush league, wannabe, and wait until Soma wants to go on his own globe spanning cruise. Then we might see some results.
Castlevania Dawn of Sorrow: proving once again that it ain’t easy being Dracula.
FGC #225 Castlevania Dawn of Sorrow
- System: Nintendo DS and… is that it? I… think so?
- Number of players: Oh, this one is two player! Kinda! Like, you can design your own “dungeon”, and then a second player can challenge that dungeon. And there’s a soul trading option! This game is basically as two-player as Pokémon.
- Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: The entire reason I don’t “review” videogames is because of titles like this. I like Dawn of Sorrow, but not as much as Aria of Sorrow. Why? I can’t really tell you. Maybe it’s because a few of the areas (like the imprisoned tower, clocktower, and entire ending section) feel like “levels” and less like Metroid-y zones. That said, I still love this game, and some of its more… interesting residents have a certain edge over Tsuchinoko.
- The Holy Trinity: Julius mode is amazing in this game, and the ability to switch between three characters in a manner similar to Castlevania 3 is the bee’s knees. Though it’s a shame that restoring health is a bear, and most of the bosses require some very dedicated memorization. That said, I guess that does make it an old-school Castlevania experience.
- Favorite Soul: This time, I have to go with Gergoth and his palm-based laser. There’s just something pleasant about vaporizing Groot like it ain’t no thang.
- Favorite Boss: Puppet Master wins for being one of the most singularly creepy bosses in Castlevania, and possessing an interesting gimmick that seems insurmountable at first, but becomes manageable with a little observation. Or maybe that was just me? I just know that I wound up dying a lot to that creature the first… seventeen times I fought it.
- A moment for Dmitrii: The best part of this game is battling Dmitrii, the man with the mimic powers, and seeing just how badly he can screw up those abilities. Have you ever tried licking him? It works out well.
- Speaking of Bosses: Is there a way to beat Abadon, the lord of locusts, without abusing various souls? Is there a “naked” solution? I usually just use a combination of bats and lasers until the bugs are all gone, but that feels vaguely like cheating.
- Did you know? I believe the best way to beat the Iron Golems is utilizing the nunchakus. Nothing works better on a metal monster than a couple of chained pieces of wood.
- Would I play again: Inevitably. I even kind of like the glyph sketching! I’m weird!
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Super Monkey Ball for the Nintendo Gamecube! Break out the quarters, kiddies, it’s time to earn some vending machine monkeys! Please look forward to it!