Monthly Archives: November 2016

FGC #210 Time Gal

Let's go surfing nowIt’s not unusual for two games to have the same general plot. Mario and Link both rescue princesses. Kratos and C.J. both have problems with authority. Mega Man and Sonic both have doctor issues. But even when there are similarities between game plots, we’re still talking about videogames, which means you can have drastically different gameplay. Mario and Link are never going to be mistaken for each other, even if they both look a little chubby in their debut appearances. At this point, there are more gameplay styles under the sun than there ever have been, but even back in the day, Mega Man and Sonic starred in very different adventures, despite both being “2-D run and jump” heroes.

However, back in the distant past of the 80’s, there were LaserDisc games. Laserdisc games were “playable cartoons” that were always the same. And, yes, I mean they were “the same” as in they all played the same and the games were always the same every time you played ‘em. The appeal was that you were controlling a “playable cartoon”, but in practice, it was like watching a TV show, but every ten seconds, you had to press the right button, or the show ended (I think they actually tried that with the Dragon’s Lair cartoon series).

But there certainly was appeal to the LaserDiscs. If you could tolerate what passed for gameplay in these games, you were treated to some of the best animation and storytelling available to gaming at the time. This was the age of Final Fantasy starring four anonymous randos that lived in fear of being knocked down, the mere concept of “a playable movie” was charm enough to gobble up enough quarters to keep even Gamblor happy. These games might have all played the same, but, technically, every cartoon on Nickelodeon “plays” the same, and nobody is confusing Spongebob for Invader Zim.

Though it does seem a bit odd that, of the limited number of LaserDisc-style games that were released, three of them featured the exact same plot.

WeeeeeDragon’s Lair 2: Time Warp seems like the most popular example here. As you can guess from the name, the first and only sequel to Dragon’s Lair (the Bluth animated game that practically invented the LaserDisc genre) features Dirk the Daring traveling through time to rescue his beloved Daphne. Time travel is the main hook here, as the original Dragon’s Lair was just an adventure through a musty old castle, and we do hit a few epochs that aren’t usually popular, like the Renaissance and… Wonderland? We hit “Prehistoric” and “The Garden of Eden”? That seems… incongruous. No matter, what we have here is a hero diving through time to rescue his best gal from some random jerkass, and the time travel is an easy excuse for eclectic scenes and locales. You’re not going to fight a dinosaur any other way!

Released the same year is Hologram Time Traveler. I’ve discussed this game at length before, but to reiterate for anyone that can’t remember every precious word I’ve ever committed to pixels, Hologram Time Traveler is the story of… a hero traveling through time to save a woman. Oh… kay. The game uses the time portals as an excuse to visit famous epochs like prehistoric and medieval times, and there are a few levels that are less “time travel” and more “magical fantasy land”. This sound familiar? Hologram Time Traveler is technically a longer game than Dragon’s Lair 2, but the levels seem much shorter. Also, it’s all digitized live action (as opposed to gorgeous animation), so I hope you like watching some doof run around in a cowboy hat. Oddly, both games feature female leads that seem to exist exclusively for their sex appeal. Alright, that’s not odd at all, but it was at least uncommon in gaming back in 1991.

Or maybe I’m completely wrong about that.

Time Gal is our featured game today, and it first came stateside in 1993. This does not mean the game was actually created two years after the previous two LaserDisc time traveling adventures. No, Time Gal was released in Japanese arcades back in 1985, making Time Gal’s adventure roughly concurrent with Dragon’s Lair (1). We just never saw it stateside, because dubs are expensive, and PokéAkira hadn’t made anime cool yet. Heck, it’s probably a small wonder we got the Sega CD version at all, but I suppose that system needed all the Full Motion Video CD games it could get, because Kriss Kross could only be responsible for so many titles.

But don’t think that just because Time Gal was the first time traveling LaserDisc game that it’s completely original. Time Gal herself, featured here:

Looks a biiiit like Lum Invader, the star of Rumiko Takahashi’s Urusei Yatsura, a series that started in the 70’s.

But I’m sure it’s a coincidence that Time Gal bears a smidge of similarity to Japan’s Jessica Rabbit. Sure.

Time Gal is a pretty fun time (ha!) if you can ignore the obvious plagiarism, though. The whole game is elegantly animated by Toei, and it features that astonishing 80’s anime style (aka before the industry discovered the joy of animating panties… well, animating panties all the time, at least). Reika, the titular Time Gal, is clearly meant to be “sexy” in her bikini bottoms and vest, but 90% of her death animations (and it’s a LaserDisc game, you’re gonna see a lot of death animations) feature the heroine shrinking down to endearing chibi size. I realize that a modern day Time Gal would revel in figuratively and literally stripping the heroine, but the “cutesy” deaths of Time Gal… well… you might have just lost a quarter, but at least it was adorable.

WAGGLEAnd, ultimately, that’s the appeal of all these time travel-based LaserDisc games. They’re creative and fun, and, while they’re fleecing your coin collection right out of your pockets, at least they’re doing it in an entertaining way. In Final Fight or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, you lost because you sucked, and the game mocked and goaded you with a countdown timer and the promise of a dead hero that is all your fault. Time Gal and its brethren (sistren?) lived or died by their entertaining death animations that made you still enjoy every mistake. I’m glad all these LaserDisc games eventually got ported to the home consoles, because watching a “blooper reel” of Reika’s every death is practically more fun than playing the game itself (and that would be very expensive a quarter at a time).

But that doesn’t make Time Gal any less of a clone.

Yes, I suppose Time Gal started the “time traveling LaserDisc game” trend a decade before everybody else, but it came stateside two years late to the party, when we had already battled prehistory with Dirk and… whatever the dude from Hologram Time Traveler is named. Probably Steve. Time Gal just looked like that Dragon’s Lair 2 clone with the girl from that one anime in it. And, let’s be realistic here, “anime games” might have flourished on the Sega CD (see also: Lunar, Popful Mail), but “Sega CD owners that also liked anime and wanted more LaserDisc animated games” had to be a subset of a subset of people that probably numbered into the lower teens. DUCKReika is only known as “that girl in the bikini from a lot of Gamepro ads” to anyone that could ever recall the game.

But Time Gal did deserve better. Time Gal deserved a sequel… or at least a US Playstation version. Time Gal was published by Taito, so I guess it’s owned by Square Enix now, but I don’t think Reika is going to be guesting in Dissidia anytime soon. Yes, the whole game is a relic of a forgotten epoch, but someone decided to try to revive Brave Fencer Musashi at some point, so shouldn’t Time Gal get a chance?

She was good enough to copy for a couple of other really similar LaserDisc games. I’m sure there’s some place she could fit in today.

FGC #210 Time Gal

  • System: Sega CD and Arcade. Given the state of Sega CD games nowadays, good luck enjoying either option.
  • Number of players: Reika must save the whole of human existence alone, without pants.
  • OUCHFavorite Epoch: Time Gal has a number of “future” levels, but my favorite is the one that’s a year before the finale, and is basically a quick pastiche of Alien. Anime Alien is something I’m sure has been done elsewhere, but Reika sucks the creatures out the airlock with aplomb.
  • Modern Times: The “current” time period from the game (1991 AD!) looks like some variation on a Middle Eastern Warzone. The next time period, the far future of 2001, appears to be, basically, Mad Max. Were the designers of Time Gal just that pessimistic?
  • Did you know? Okay, so there is a little “fan service”. The original Japanese cut of Time Gal featured a few “deaths” where Reika’s top got shredded. She was always facing away from the camera, and it was always played for laughs, but there was that promise that the mostly naked heroine was getting slightly more naked. This was, naturally, cut from the American release, as we are a shining bastion of purity in all media.
  • Would I play again: I might watch a youtube run of the game again. In the meanwhile, though, I hope to not touch another LaserDisc game for a while.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Super Smash Bros Fo(u)r the Nintendo 3DS! Biggest roster, smallest screen. Please look forward to it!

WINNER

FGC #209 Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy 13

Here it comes!I want to start by plainly stating that I loved Lightning Returns. I played it through twice, and that’s an extreme rarity for me nowadays. I loved the combat, I loved the world (we’ll get into that), and it was still probably the most pure “fun” I’ve had with a JRPG in a while. That said, let’s look at the good and the bad of Lightning Returns.

BAD: The World is Stupid

The conceit of Lightning Returns is that all of time and space got totally fubared over the course of Final Fantasy 13-2: Serah’s Big Adventure. Thanks to a pair of nitwits and an army of monsters that are somehow the good guys, time got broken, because you can apparently only toss a moogle at a problem so many times before all of reality shatters. As a result, the world(s)(?) was reduced to a collection of easily segmented “areas”, and, with grandfather time out of the picture, people do not age. What brave new world is this!?

Except…

Only the tiniest bit of lip service is paid to the “everyone is an immortal” thing. Despite living for 500 years, the majority of Nova Chrysalia’s population is pretty indistinguishable from the average Final Fantasy population. They fritter about their days, provide sidequests, and occasionally fight monsters. Every single person is at least 500 years old, and the best anyone seems to be able to accomplish is opening a bakery. As an easy example of this nonsense, there’s a sidequest where you reunite an estranged father with his son. In 500 years, they apparently couldn’t get over their issues, but, yay, sidequest heroine Lightning is here to patch up any stormy relationships in a thirty second cutscene. I think the reward for that quest was unlimited meatballs or something. Centuries of life and potential progress, and all we got are new recipes for side dishes.

Seedy's!But the biggest issue here is the whole “end of humanity” thing. There’s supposed to be this overpowering feeling of melancholy to a world that is on the cusp of destruction. Lightning has thirteen or so days to save every soul she can find, and her first “case” is a serial killer in a grimy town filled with sorrow. It’s basically Final Fantasy meets Jack the Ripper (except ol’ Jack is hunting women with fluorescent pink hair), and every NPC you encounter is lamenting their sorry, immortal life and how nothing has any meaning anymore without procreation or aging. Boo-hoo. This contrasts poorly with…

GOOD: I want to live there

Seriously, if I could live in any Final Fantasy world, I’d pick Lightning Returns.

The first city, Luxerion, is a lame knockoff of Dickensian England, but the other big city, Yusnaan is a city dedicated to “we’re all immortal, so let’s have a damn party until the end of time”. It’s my kind of place. There are street merchants selling every kind of food you can imagine, monster battle arenas for entertainment, some kind of deadly version of Nickelodeon Guts, and fireworks every night. There are random musicians wandering around, so I assume the rad in-game music can be heard by the residents, and, added bonus, it’s very easy to avoid monsters in this area if you need a rest. The whole place seems like some kind of beautiful dream of an endless Mardi Gras, and the only drawback is that the drama club puts on the same stupid play every night. Get some new material, nerds!

FlappyAnd the rest of the world is just beautiful. I don’t mean from a “fancy HD graphics” perspective, I’m talking about how I’d genuinely want to enjoy the Wildlands if they were locally available. Probably a great place to play Pokémon Go. I figure that, sometime in the last 500 years, some immortal landscaper decided the rolling planes needed to have the lawn mowed every few days, so everything looks surprisingly hospitable for monster hunting grounds. And there is a lush and verdant ecosystem, with floating eyeball creatures and lizards the size of dogs and twelve chocobos for every chocobo eater. The concept of Nova Chrysalia is that what was salvageable from the “old world” all got recklessly smooshed together, but here it looks like such a move might improve a good deal of real estate. If anybody wants to destroy time and space in the real world to see how that works out, let me know, I’m game.

Oh, and the Dead Dunes sound like a place to avoid, but, should you own a fedora and whip, it’s totally the best place to grab ancient relics. And when you’ve got a timeline that somehow includes millennia of destroyed civilizations, that might be a fun way to while away the centuries.

GOOD: The world respects its heroes

Let’s run down what the cast of Final Fantasy 13s has been up to…

Best buds!Snow founded nonstop party town, and then retired to his private fortress to sulk for the rest of eternity. Thus, Snow has become the saddest boy in a town of happiness. This seems like an appropriate punishment for being Snow.

Vanille feels that she’s responsible for the current fate of the world because she made some poor life choices approximately a billion years before Final Fantasy 13, and turned into a colossal chaos demon, like, once. Despite being instrumental in then saving the world (twice!), she’s still down on herself, so she turned to religion. And that religion made her the new Blessed Mother. Of course, they’re going to sacrifice her on judgment day to appease some angry god or something, but she’s marginally aware of that, and seems to be okay with a few centuries of being worshipped as a living goddess. And she got a new hat, too! Score!

Fang is less than okay with the whole “my secret lover is going to sacrifice herself for the world” thing, so she’s decided to hunt around the dessert for relics that will save dear Vanille. While she was doing that, she kinda incidentally started an entire society of archeologists/bandits, so she maybe sorta rules a complete continent. Wasn’t really her intention, she did have other things on the agenda, but I think finding magical treasure is a little easier when you’ve got an army at your disposal. Also, as she points out, thanks to cryostasis and time traveling and more cryostasis, she’s 1,621 years old, but still looks to be physically in her 20s. Not bad.

Noel, the last hunter of 13-2, has somehow also become the leader of a death cult, though unwillingly. He tries to fight our main heroine thanks to a random misunderstanding involving fake oracles, and, upon seeing the error of his ways, decides to become a vigilante in a city of misery. This basically makes him Batman (albeit AzBats). Becoming Batman is what most people aspire to, so good for him.

Hope, Lightning, and Serah all become unwilling pawns in a mad god’s plan, but it could be worse, they could be…

BAD: Inadvertent Racism

Lightning and Hope might be pawns, but they’re also literally the most powerful people on the planet. Hope is a conduit for a literal god, and Lightning has been granted insane Valkyrie power to complete her task of killing literally every monster in existence. Every other main character is in a vaunted position in their respective faction (whether they like it or not), and, save the fact that Odin seems to have been demoted from “transformer” to “bird”, anybody that helped out in an earlier Final Fantasy 13 game is doing pretty well.

Except Sazh.

Sazh!Sazh is still worried about his son, who had his soul fragmented into random bits because who cares. Sazh decided to solve this problem by hiding in a broken airship in the middle of nowhere. After 500 years of sitting in a rocking chair and creepily muttering to himself, Sazh has become a legendary hermit, and his only interaction with the outside world is when those damn kids TP his hovel every Halloween. And this isn’t a Yoda situation, where he has ancient wisdom to impart to anyone that will listen; no, this is more along the lines of “if we had a bigger budget, his new model would be a naked man covered only by his beard and an afro that is hiding an entire family of bats”. When his son’s soul is finally recovered, Dajh is afraid to wake up, because Sazh has become that scary.

Couple this with his initial characterization being half totally awesome and half a lazy retread (gee, where have I seen a Final Fantasy character known for firearms and being extremely protective of his child before?), and his 13-2 role being “stuck in the neon claws of Gamblor”, I want to say that the African American community is not well represented in this Japanese RPG. Okay, maybe I’m seeing too much here, but when the entire rest of the (white) cast gets to become kings and queens, and the black guy becomes a crazy go nuts recluse… it kind of sticks out.

And, Christ, the bird that lives in his afro gets more of a role in the story than Sazh!

GOOD: Lightning kicks ass

WeeeAfter spending a few centuries in the timeout chamber, Lightning is back and kicking ass. Of all the Final Fantasy “main heroines”, Lightning indisputably is the most likely to slay an angry god. Granted, her only competition is Terra (whom Dissidia pigeonholed forever as “whiny mage”) and Yuna (“I’m sad my boyfriend is a ghost”), but, still, I can probably count the number of strong-in-the-real-way female characters coming out of Japan on one hand. Well, “strong” and also “doesn’t appear in a game featuring tear-away clothing or twelve year olds wearing butt floss”. Lightning is determined, powerful, and absolutely does not spend any of her time fawning over boys or worrying about her hair.

And, by virtue of the gameplay, she’s also kinda the most powerful character ever in a Final Fantasy game. Lightning is finally a true army of one, and is completely alone on her adventure to save the world. No party, no monster companions, no omniscient player dropping off magical abilities or whatever: it’s just Lightning against every monster left on the planet. And there’s never any “oh no you’re not man enough” nonsense, either. Right from the get go, Lightning is tasked with saving every last soul on this husk, and there’s no doubt she’s going to succeed. Lightning wholly and totally kicks ass, and doesn’t need so much as a moogle to help her.

BAD: Lightning is a robot

Unfortunately, “Unstoppable Lightning” comes at the expense of… ya know… Lightning.

I’ve mentioned this before, but all Final Fantasy main characters (and most of the supporting cast) are built exclusively for their one-and-done stories. This is a good thing! But it also means most Final Fantasy characters may be boiled down to a simple mad lib. Terra is magically unbeatable, but unloved. Squall is accomplished, but plays poorly with others. Tidus is an all-star, but can’t dress himself. The basic point of every Final Fantasy game is to save the world, but to also shade in whatever blank is afflicting the hero. Cloud is going to kill Sephiroth and stop Meteor, but along the way, he’ll learn the real meaning of freedom and, dare I say it, friendship. I believe it was Kurt Goldstein that first theorized that it would only be possible for a fully actualized person to summon a dragon that can shoot laser beams.

He's back!I mention this because Lightning had a pretty clear arc through Final Fantasy 13. Amongst… everything… happening in that labyrinthine plot, Lightning does pick up on the whole “letting people in” moral that is hiding somewhere behind the space pope. Consider that the inciting incident for 1,000 years of strife in the Final Fantasy 13 universe is the simple scuffle that Lightning won’t accept Snow as an invited member of the family. This problem quickly cascades to Macbethian proportions, and that thread kind of gets lost somewhere around Snow earning a motorcycle made out of subservient sisters, but, still, it’s there! Lightning changes and grows over the course of Final Fantasy 13, and, while she’s not some emotionally perfect being by the finale, Lightning does become a better person by the end of Final Fantasy 13.

So, naturally, they had to strip out that Lightning in time for her titular game.

This, of course, is not by accident. Like Cloud before her, Lightning had to be reduced back to her core components in order to be “recognizable” as the same badass from Final Fantasy 13 promotional materials. In this case, the story uses the bluntest tool in its arsenal (okay, second bluntest, an outright retcon would be worst), and basically says “a wizard did it” to the now overly stoic Lightning. Lightning had her emotional core/heart/Claire torn out by a vengeful god, and now she’s super sad about not having emotions anymore. But just because the story offers a reason for a character’s regression doesn’t make it forgivable. The Lightning that was capable of making good intentioned poor decisions (like, say, giving a knife to a vengeful teenager) is gone now, and all we’ve got is a mechanical war machine that occasionally comes around to “Hey, something seems off.”

So, basically, Lightning is turned up to eleven, but we lose Lightning in the process.

GOOD: Dress-up!

Here comes the wardrobe!

Xenosaga Episode III Part 17: URTVogears

Previously on Xenosaga: Yuriev played The Brews again, and the Durandal and nearly everyone on it was destroyed in an attempt to infiltrate Abel’s Ark, a gigantic gnosis that is the current home of The Zohar. Yuriev grabbed that Zohar and began to ascend to godhood, and Junior and pals got… I think they rescued a dog at some point?

Here we are, Bridge of the Elsa, same as it ever was. After everything that happened last time, we once again have a moment to breathe before heading into the latest danger zone. Breathing is overrated, let’s get out of here.

Upon starting this mission, a brief scene between chaos and Canaan plays. I guess we have to get into some character development for other characters, and we’re doing it alphabetically (Allen is, naturally, skipped).

Canaan is having an existential crisis, so why not talk to a buddy. Fun fact: Canaan and chaos have known each other for fifteen years… but I think this is the first they’re talking one-on-one in the present.

I can never tell if Canaan is supposed to be stoic or mopey, but I guess this clinches it. Canaan is a sad Realian.

And it turns out…