My latest attempt to defeat Thomas and his blasted boy robot has failed. I knew from the beginning that coercing that incompetent Russian into my service would not be enough to defeat the bungling blue bomber, but I did not expect Proto Man to double kidnap my captive. I thought we were to be partners! I constructed a castle that looked like his face! It sits unused! I hate that guy. I am beset on all sides by do-gooding robots, so I have decided to increase Robot Master production. Once, six robots seemed enough. Then, I upgraded to eight. It has become obvious that ten will still fall short, so, at minimum, I am going to create 150 Robot Masters. That should be enough to conquer the planet.
Gravity Man is completed! To say the least, I am proud of this one’s ability to manipulate a fundamental force of the universe. One brilliant robot down, 149 to go.
There is a reason I’m the greatest scientific mind of the century.
Despite the logical contradiction, I’ve had good luck with water-based Robot Masters before, and, using some spare gravity parts, I created Wave Man. Then… nothing. I considered a Stone Man, but I wondered if that was too derivative of my own rival’s early Rock model. Then genius struck! I have been imitative before, when I cloned Mega Man back at my original castle (ah, I loved that place) and again at my third (I hardly knew ye). And I’ve used similar technology in the past to clone my own Robot Masters as a final vanguard to protect my own inner sanctum. So why make new robots when I can control an army of tried and true RMs? I’ll put Gravity and Wave on the backburner for now (Hm… “burner”? That could work), and turn each of my old bots into quintuplets.
Mega Man won’t know what hit him!
After finally finishing production on my army, I seem to have hit a snag. My traditional plan involves taking each Robot Master, putting him in his own base (or forcing him to conquer one), and then waiting for Mega Man to approach, and, one of these days, one of those Robot Masters is going to emerge victorious. The problem has now arisen that there is simply not enough real estate to accommodate 150 Robot Masters. In the world. What’s more, through no fault of my own, the majority of these robots have very… precise ideas for locations they will call home. I do not know how that infantile Cossack found a robot dinosaur dig site or unexplored ancient tomb for his inventions, but the odds of finding another five of those are fairly low.
Even some of my more agreeable creations (like that delightful Top Man ) that don’t care about their surroundings are having issues with a lack of support staff. Do you know how much it costs to build a gigantic robot cat with tiny robotic fleas and an unlimited supply of robotic yarn? I haven’t had a plan succeed since 200X, and the coffers have shrunk smaller than a Baby Met. I was going to build a robot completely out of crystal, but now I’m leaning toward a steam-powered bot entirely because air is cheap.
It pains me to admit this, but supporting 150 Robot Masters is just not possible. I realize I am the greater man, because Thomas only maintains one combat robot while I can back many, but I believe I shall return to my strategy of only deploying eight at a time.
I suppose these extra bots are headed to the scrap heap.
I am undone by my own sentimentality. While I was able to repurpose the extra Guts Men into another Guts Tank (I may not use this one for combat, but it will certainly be an interesting way to visit Whole Foods), I have found that I am unable to merely “scrap” the remaining Robot Masters. I look into Air Man’s absurdly large red eyes, and I am undone. I must find a purpose for these extra bots, even if it means reducing the Met R&D budget.
I’ve got the Heat Men lighting my cigars, so that’s one down.
Due to an incident that can only be described as… unfortunate, there are no longer any additional Metal Men. However, my genius intellect has produced an amazing idea from this tragedy. The Metal Men were attempting to “get a game of Ultimate Frisbee going”. While this proposal proved to be genocidal to the participants, I am now considering the idea of getting my Robot Masters into “sports”. Probably a good idea anyway, as the Hard Men are looking kind of pudgy.
It is Spring, so I decided to give Baseball a try. Issues made themselves apparent almost immediately. After explaining the basics to everyone, the Crash Men attempted to grab their bats… and exploded. I realize now that drill-bomb hands are not as useful for common functions as I once imagined. The rest of the Robot Masters, perhaps disheartened by the explosive failure of their comrades, refused to play. I will have to find a way to rectify this matter.
I have revived one of my Mega Man Killers, Enker, as I realized he was the only robot I ever designed that could naturally hold a bat. His Mirror Buster is ideal for returning pitches, and, thankfully, many of my Robot Masters are excellent at throwing. I also created an All-Star Man to further encourage my creations to take the field. It didn’t take. Enker is hitting a bunch of zingers, but no one else is participating.
I finally got the rest of the gang to try Baseball after creating a green Fan Man that hoots and hollers for anyone on the field. Also, I built a giant rotating fan into the guy, because why not? It turns out all it takes to encourage my Robot Masters is a gentle stroking of their collective egos. The narcissistic cretins. I can scarcely imagine how such a glitch made it into any creations of the great Dr. Albert Wily.
Tragedy has struck again. It appears that resisting their original programming is too hard for the average Robot Master, so a few innings were played with pitchers replacing baseballs with… other armaments. In an outcome I should have foreseen, Bomb Man detonated an end to any Ring Men. Shadow Man transformed multiple Quick Men into pieces smaller than their boomerangs, and, when Top Man attempted to “defend their honor”, the Shadow posse was no more. And in the ensuing chaos, the Flash Men broke all the Bright Men, shouting something about plagiarism. Really, I don’t blame them, as that Cossack does not have an original bone in his body. Oh, and the Elec Men destroyed the Spark Men. Just as well, they weren’t too handy, anyway.
After the melee subsided (the Dive Men were able to run off in the confusion), I realized that Baseball is not the sport for bots programmed to fire a variety of projectiles. I still like the idea of a sports team of Robot Masters, but… Hm.
Football! This will be amazing!
The Magnet Men, Hard Men, and Drill Men are dead. I… I don’t want to talk about it. Not now. Maybe not ever.
Soccer! Soccer shall be the game at which my Robot Masters excel!
Alright, all the Robot Masters are ready. Aside from a cantankerous Enker whining about missing his sword, the rest of the gang is on board and understands the rules. Each (surviving) Robot Master has been equipped with a sliding mechanism that I designed myself and is not something I stole from Thomas. Additionally, each “player” may utilize their brilliantly created by moi Robot Master Weapons during a match to enhance the power of a shot. Look out, goalie Wood Man, Fire Man has a red hot ball coming at you! Oh, this is going to be amazing!
Success! Unbridled success! The Robot Masters have formed their own teams and leagues and, oh, it is so wonderful when my plans come together! This is the greatest day of my life! I could watch the fruits of labor forever!
Ugh, soccer is boring. Even The Enkredible Enkers have lost their shine. I want to go back to conquering the world.
I shall conquer the world with Soccer! I have decided to encourage my Soccer Masters to take over a stadium. I’ll send in the newly created Napalm Man first, wreck up the place, and then replace the World Cup with my own Wily Cup. The world will bow before me and my mastery of the sport! Take that, Thomas! I’d like to see your bearded ass conquer any sport! I built myself an exo-suit so I can dominate on the field, too! Bwa ha ha ha! The world is mine!
Thomas has decided to send his contemptible Mega Man against my expertly trained Soccer Masters. Good luck, Dr. Light! Where did you get that doctorate? Chubby college? Haha, I am on fire today. Thomas is going to have to build some manner of Ointment Man to heal these sick burns.
Mega Man appears to be besting my Soccer Masters, and recruiting any sympathetic players. This does not bode well.
Proto Man has entered the fray. He duplicated himself and defeated The Naughty Needlers like it was nothing. I hate that guy.
Alright, there’s only one team left, The Fighting Flashers, and then Mega Man has defeated all of my Soccer Masters. That’s okay, I’m a genius. I’ve planned for this. I have my own skull-themed exosuit, and I’ll take the field with a team of robo-clones. Mega Man and Proto Man have only recruited a sliver of my army, so those still on Team Wily will wreck up the place if it looks like things are going poorly. Which they won’t. Because I am now a shining soccer god.
This did not go as planned. First of all, it turns out that I should have spent more time actually playing soccer, and not just building exosuits to win at soccer. I would be more mad at myself if I didn’t recall that soccer is a stupid game for losers, so it’s only natural that I would be no good at the sport. Speaking of losers, it turns out that soccer fans are… very dedicated to their hobby, and, when things got… heated, a riot broke-out. While Elec Man or Snake Man are perfectly suited to destroying the Blue Bomber, it turns out they’re not so great at quelling raging hooligan hordes, and… well, bright side is that I no longer have to worry about all those extra
Soccer Robot Masters. I think I’m still picking pieces of Wood Man out of my hair.
On my way out of the stadium (which, I should add, exploded for some reason), I thought I was able to kidnap Proto Man, but it turned out to be just one of his lousy duplicates. So, the end result of this whole venture is five wasted months, a handful of new robots like All-Star Man and Fan Man, a Proto Man dummy, and a reminder why I never made varsity in high school. Bah! This is all Thomas and his wretched robot’s fault! And Proto Man! I hate these do-gooding robots! I’m retiring!
New plan! World threatening board game!
Nah, screw this. I’m just going to kidnap Thomas and frame Proto Man. Stick to what you know.
FGC #112 Mega Man’s Soccer
- System: Super Nintendo. And I don’t think it has been rereleased anywhere, unlike every other Mega Man game. Even Battle & Chase was on that one collection!
- Number of Players: Two, and you can play head to head or co-op against the computer. Always nice to have options
- Just Two Players? According to data in the code, MMS was originally to support four players. Not quite certain how that would have worked. Also, where is the modern update of this game with online, full player team support?
- What’s in a name? It says “Mega Man Soccer” on the box/cartridge, but “Mega Man’s Soccer” on the title screen. I don’t know what to believe!
- Favorite Robot Master (this game): Wily, look at all your Robot Masters. Which would be great at soccer? Shadow Man? No. Quick Man? Nah. Toad Man? Yeah, that one, let’s watch him wobble around the field.
- An End: There’s no ending for this game. At least normally. There are complete endings for two different modes (both translated!) and credits, but they’re completely inaccessible without a cheating device. Actually, you can see the credits through inputting a complicated sequence of command, but that may as well be a game genie code.
- Did you know? Oddly, an episode of Captain N: The Game Master featured Mega Man playing football against Mega Man 2 Bosses. Season 2, Episode 5.
Them’s some good lookin’ Robot Masters.
- Would I play again? Soccer is so boring!
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Karnov for the NES! The other tubby, mustachioed hero of the Nintendo Entertainment System! Please look forward to it!