RESUME AND APPLICATION FOR DIRECTOR OF AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL PROJECT
- Nearly two decades of proactive forward momentum despite the handicap of a non-bipedal anthropological morphology
- An organized and dedicated worker with a firm grasp of a multitude of management skills over any number of colors or flavors
- Can turn into a ladder
- An excellent team player, very trusting of others, perfectly willing to eat anything thrown in general direction
While saving the world
- Traveled deep into the bowels of the Earth and ran screaming from a great many mutant caterpillars and falling rocks
- Transformed into a bubble so as to explore the underwater depths of the city, found further deadly creatures and the most unfair stalactites in the history of blobkind
- Successfully propelled a young boy through space without the use of a helmet, space suit, or other apparatus to prevent young boy-explosion
- Turned into a jack, twice
- Destroyed an entire evil candy factory through unique ability to transform into a vitablaster. You’re reading that right.
- Facilitated and implemented a brand new diet for the previously corpulent King of Blobolonia
After saving the world
- Separated from previously inseparable young boy, pursued solo career with own bag of jelly beans
- Solo career was unfortunately dismissed as it quickly became apparent that a simple task such as eating was difficult without appendages or way to hold bag
- Reunited with young boy, now known as Teenager, and began work on new and different jellybean flavors such as whiskey, dog hair, and catsup
- Ingested whiskey jellybean and immediately cleaned up small western town
- Acquired world record “most vomit produced by a creature with no clear gastric system”
- Successfully won defamation lawsuit against Nicolas Hourés
2005-2009 Aspiring Memoirist
1999-2005 Lawn Sprinkler
1994-1998 Circus Freak
1993-1994 Professor at Southern Vermont College
1989 Multiple World Savior
EDUCATION / PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT
M.B.A., Blobolonia Academy of the Arts
M.A. Florida State
B.A. Harry’s Hobo School for Hairy Hobos
Computer skills include: MS Word, Excel, Quickbooks Pro, Nesticle
A reimaging of my initial adventure with Boy to save Earth and Blobonia. Significant information regarding my original quest has been forever lost, and it’s time for a new generation to hear of my heroic exploits. Additionally, we may add some fresh details to get that youth demographic.
- Boy should be distinctly… boy-like. Little body, big head, whatever it is you humans call boy-shaped. Boy does not need particularly respectable acting skills, just the ability to whistle and sound happy or sad. Actually, maybe he could say my name a bunch of times? Want to keep the brand alive. Oh, and if it’s a sticking point, Boy’s safety is not a high priority.
- I understand I’m not as young as I used to be, so it would be alright if my part was played by a younger, up-and-coming Blobonian actor. I would be content with simply writing, plotting, and directing duties. I would not object to a cameo, though. The new blob should be dashing and flexible, like myself.
- Additional blobs may be cast in adversarial roles. Those giant centipedes never made any kind of sense, so let’s populate the caves and Blobonia with actual blobs. Just ask them to play “dark”. They’ll know what that means.
- Also, I have a blob friend who can turn into a wicked cobra. Please find a place for him.
- I just mentioned the cobra thing, but while I’m thinking about it, yes, cobra fight. I’ll talk to Jerry, maybe he can pull off a giant cobra, if that would be more dramatic.
- The original jellybean stock was pretty delicious, but a number of the forms seemed extraneous. Blowtorch morph to eliminate one spider web (that didn’t even contain a spider)? Stupid. We should limit the jellybeans to exclusively the most important transformations. I will remind you all that I saved the world by turning into a jack, so that one is a lock.
- I’d like to see myself turn into a shield. That seems appropriately heroic.
- Parachutes are more realistic than descent-slowing umbrellas. I still can’t believe that worked in the first place.
- I understand a lot can be done with computers nowadays. Would it be possible to make me appear to turn into a colossal, havoc-wreaking robot? I watched a Japanese cartoon the other day, and it looked like a lot of fun. I’ve spoken to a few friends about this, and they all think it would be a hoot to see Boy and I just stomp around the countryside.
- Speaking of the countryside, I first met Boy while he was out camping. Can we squeeze that in there?
- I understand the Blobonia Tourism Committee would be willing to contribute some support if we showcase some of the more scenic Blobonia locations. This seems well advised.
- Leave humans guessing exactly how Blobonian space travel works.
- Sub-Subway intricate cave systems are a real thing. I’ve been down there.
- Boy’s greed was always insatiable, and this is coming from a candy-based organism. Feel free to emphasize the treasure collecting.
- I don’t understand you humans and your concept of “sex appeal”, but if you must have a character with “capital knockers”, the King of Blobonia has always been well-endowed in that area.
I looked forward to your inevitable approval of this project.
FGC #33 A Boy and his Blob
- System: NES, and then a reimaging 20 years later on the Wii.
- Number of Players: Just one, and it is a great loss that there isn’t some two player boy/blob co-op.
- Maybe actually talk about the game for a second (NES Edition)? This is easily one of the weirdest games I’ve ever played. Like, you can see glimpses of the author’s intentions here, but nothing coalesced into a solid piece. The first half of the game is a randomly suicidal (“Let me put a hole here… and dead.”) puzzle/action exploration game, with a fairly focused emphasis on nonviolent problem solving. The second half of the game is like a low-key copy of Contra, where Blob is a weapon for 90% of the area, followed by a finale featuring what can best be described as “action jelly bean tossing”. And maybe there’s some sort of moral about healthy eating in there? I don’t even know.
- Maybe actually talk about the game for a second (Wii Edition)? And this game earns my favorite way to describe a video game: It’s fun right up until the very moment it isn’t. About 75% of A Boy and His Blob is a fun puzzle platformer, and the final 25% (from about mid-Blobonia on), is a gauntlet of death where you’re going to watch Boy die over and over again unless you immediately know each deadly puzzle’s solution. Respawning is generous, but some of the challenges seem more than a little stacked against the extremely fragile boy. Overall, A Boy and His Blob is a great experience, I just don’t see myself playing the final stages again.
- No touching: I am required by law to mention the “hug button”. There is a hug button. My obligation is now fulfilled.
- Favorite Jellybean: Punch Jellybean, which turns Blob into a hole, has been my favorite and greatest mystery since I was a child. How does that work? Blob can morph into the absence of matter? And then the ground reforms around him? Blobonian biology is a mystery.
- Did you know? There is also a Gameboy A Boy and his Blob sequel, and you can play the entire game in the time it takes to read this sentence. Then there was supposed to be a Gameboy Advance sequel… but it got canned. Then there was supposed to be a DS sequel… but it was also scrapped. The DS sequel was probably the most interesting, as it supposedly would have featured an older Boy, and who knows where the series was going to take that idea.
- Would I play again? The NES version, maybe as a curiosity to show someone, “Yes, this happened.” The whole game only really takes an hour. The Wii version I’d replay the first few worlds if I was feeling in the mood, but not the whole thing. I’ve done my time. Blob time.
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Contra Shattered Soldier. This is the story of a boy who unexpectedly encounters an alien culture and… has a very different reaction. Please look forward to it!